Author's Note: This story was first written for Love in Panem's anthology: "A Candle for the Caribbean" which raised $4,285 for hurricane relief after Hurricane Maria tore through the Caribbean. I would like to thank titaniasfics for putting A Candle For Panem all together. Once she sets her mind to a task, I don't know if there is anything in the world that could get in her way. She saw a need, and did what she could. I am amazed at her dedication. She pulled together a small army of Beta Readers, some of whom worked on this piece. I thank you all for reading my story, and getting rid of all of my extra commas, as well as fixing my punctuation. And a quick shoutout to my friend louezem for her read through. It certainly does take a village to raise a child, and a story.
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She sits alone in the sand overlooking the bay. After pulling the overnight shift at the hospital, this is her favorite place to be. The sounds of the waves crashing and the gulls calling to each other gives her a sense of calm that she cannot seem to find anywhere else. The breeze softly blowing her hair soothes her. She's glad it's high tide though, sometimes the smells at low tide are a bit overpowering. She sits there, contemplating the past few days, contemplating her life, contemplating what brought her here to 4. And why she stayed.
Lila Everdeen knows what it's like to run away, she's done it often enough in her life.
The first time she ran away, she was five. Her father said she couldn't go play with Maysilee and her sister Maybelle. She ran off to the big rock behind the apothecary. She hid behind it, sure her father couldn't see her. She got over that injustice soon enough, as five year olds do. It was dinner time and Mama was making meatloaf with bread from the bakery, she couldn't miss that!
When she was twelve, that horrible Haymitch Abernathy kept teasing her in school. He made fun of her new dress and her pretty hair. She ran to the field behind the school, in the back. She sat there, alone, through third and fourth periods. Her friends finally found her and convinced her to come inside before the principal found out where she was. She'd be in big trouble if he did. Maysilee and Maybelle told her he was just jealous. She knew he was right, though, her dress was a bit too much for a school day. But she so wanted to impress that Levi Everdeen. He'd been hanging around her locker a lot more than usual. Haymitch told her no man in 12 would want her for a girl, that her dress proved she was too high maintenance for anyone she knew. Lila had a sneaking suspicion that Haymitch was more right about things than most people in 12 wanted to give him credit for. That proved to be true a few years later when he became the Victor of the 50th Annual Hunger Games, the one where Maysilee died.
Maysilee's death affected Lila more than anyone understood at the time. Except for Levi Everdeen, the handsome boy from the Seam who could sing so beautifully that even the mockingjays stopped to listen. He would sometimes come into the apothecary with some herbs that he found during his illegal excursions into the woods. There was an air about him that no town boy, even Frank Mellark, the sweet and gentle heir to the town bakery, could compete against. For two years Levi came into the shop to trade, and to flirt. But he also knew how to listen. He listened to Lila when she spoke of her friend who died. No one else wanted to hear the stories, but Lila felt that if she didn't tell them, she'd burst. Maybelle, who lost her twin sister, was no help. It's as if she wanted to pretend Maysilee never existed, that she was a made up friend. But Maybelle also spent as much time locked behind her bedroom door as she did in school, so maybe Maybelle wasn't coping as well as others thought.
When they were eighteen, and safe from the reaping for the rest of their lives, Maybelle announced she was marrying a new official who moved to the District. He was stationed there by President Snow himself, and was set to become the newest mayor. It was a quiet ceremony at the Justice Building, and only a select handful of people were invited to the new couple's home to sing to them and watch the toasting. Lila wasn't invited. No one from their class was. Maybelle had successfully cut herself off from the rest of the District. In a way, Maybelle was another to run away, just like Maysilee, just like Lila. Once Maysilee died, there was no one left for Lila but Levi.
The third time Lila ran away, it was into the waiting arms of the man who could sing her cares away. Her family may disown her and her friends may ignore her, but Levi was always there. He made her see the beauty in the everyday. He took her into his beloved woods and showed her sights she'd never seen before. They had some blissful years, just the two of them. She never once thought about Frank Mellark, or about the hurt look he gave her that last day he saw her, running off with that boy from the Seam. She had Levi, and all would be well with her world.
A few years later, their first daughter, Katniss, was born. She was a tiny thing, with a shock of black hair, grey eyes, and olive skin. She looked just like her daddy, and Lila couldn't have been more proud. She loved this little being with everything she had. Katniss was a good baby, she slept through the night quite soon after she was born. She never really asked for much. As long as Katniss was with her family she was happy. And so was Lila.
Some years after Katniss was born, little Primrose came into the world. Blonde hair and blue eyed, just like her momma. Neither one of them ever fit into the Seam. Primrose wasn't really a demanding baby, but she wasn't as easy as Katniss. Of course, when Katniss wasn't with her father, she spent most of her days pampering the littlest Everdeen. Prim learned early on that all she had to do was look to Katniss, and Katniss would be there for her. Lila was so glad the girls were close. Not like she and her brother, who to this day, never spoke. The bond between the younger Everdeen girls was solid and strong. No one could break it, and for that both Lila and Levi were happy.
When Levi was killed in the mining accident, Lila ran away again. Only this time, she ran away into her mind, not caring that she'd left two young girls. What would Levi think? Thoughts like this only seemed to push her further away. She wasn't worthy of Levi, of Katniss, of Prim. Lila ignored the nudges in her brain that told her she needed to take care of her girls, that she was all they had left. She turned her back to Katniss's pleas for help, to wake up. Sweet Prim though, would brush her hair and tell her it was alright, that she'd come back when she could. When she did come back, Prim welcomed her with open arms, telling Katniss, "I told you so!" But Katniss gave her a cold eye, and turned her back on her mother. Things between them were never the same.
Lila wanted to run away then, with Prim. They never did fit into the Seam, and they could have made it in Town. Lila was sure she could convince her brother to take her back. Except there was Katniss, who was Seam all the way through. Lila and Prim were destined to be Seam because of Katniss. She tried not to think thoughts like that, but grief can do terrible things to a person.
The last time Lila ran away, it was to District 4. She told herself, and anyone who would listen, that they needed help that she could provide. They were setting up a whole new Panem, and she wanted to be a part of the rebuilding. Annie was unstable, and she was having a baby. She needed someone who could take care of her. Lila said it often enough that she almost believed it herself. The reality was, and still is, that Lila was running away from not only District 12 and its rebuilding, but more importantly, she was running away from Katniss. Katniss, who looked just like her father, but was proving to be more like her mother in many ways. As strong as her love for Katniss was, it wasn't strong enough. Every time she looked at a picture of Katniss she thought of Levi, of better days, when their little family was happy. Lila couldn't go back to 12 and face that. And, if Lila was honest with herself, which she was in small moments, she'd have to admit that she blamed Katniss for much of her loss.
It was Katniss who left first, she would reason. Even though it was Lila who escaped into her own mind first, all of those years ago. Katniss didn't need her, she hadn't since she was eleven. Katniss had Haymitch, that awful man who actually saved Katniss's life more than once. If it weren't for Katniss, there never would have been a war, Prim would still be alive. It was all Katniss's fault. And Lila tried really hard to believe that. But she knew it was a lie. She knew Katniss was just as much an innocent in all of this as anyone else, probably more than anyone else. More than anyone but Peeta that is.
"Lila!"
She startles at her name, broken from her morose reverie. It's Garret. Sweet Garret, who knows who she is, knows what she's done, and still accepts her. They've grown closer lately, shared kisses, held hands. Lila wonders what Katniss would think. It's been years since Levi died, and he will always be her one, big love. Garret knows this, and he still accepts her, "We can't have what we lost, Lila,but we can enjoy what we have," he says tenderly. He lost his wife in the war. She can accept this, and she knows she needs to talk to Katniss about it all.
"Lila!" He calls to her again as he moves closer to her. "I just got back from the hospital. Have you heard? There's a big storm brewing in the ocean, they aren't sure what kind of damage it will do, but it's sure to be something."
"I heard, that's why I needed to get away," she tells him sadly. "They were calling it a 'Mockingjay' storm- because "just like Katniss Everdeen, it's one that will leave a path of destruction in its wake". I couldn't stay there and listen to that."
"Now you know they don't…" he tries to soothe.
"I know they don't know Garret, but it doesn't change anything. How can they talk about her like that? She was just a kid! She's the reason they're all safe today!"
"I know that Lila. I do," he rubs her arm, comforting her. "Don't you think it's time they knew? It might clear up a lot of misunderstanding?"
Although Lila knows what he says is true, she isn't ready to hear it, let alone act on it. "But if I tell them, then what? They'll know I left her. They'll know that I would rather live in 4, helping everyone here, including Annie, than help my own daughter. They'll know what I'm really like."
"True, they will. But they already know who you are. That you are tough as nails when you are working. That you are one of the best healers around, and you understand more than just modern medicine. I think you downplay the sympathy they might give you.
"When will you forgive yourself?" He asks, not for the first time. "Katniss is trying, I can read that in the words of her letters. You even say the tone of her voice is different, stronger than it used to be. It seems that time, Dr. Aurelius, and Peeta are doing wonders for her. When will you give yourself that chance?" he pleads.
Lila scoffs at Garret's words. "What have I done to deserve it? To deserve any forgiveness from Katniss? I left her when she was 11, forced her to take on too much, too soon…"
"That may be true," Garret interrupts, reaching for her hand. "But she never would have won the Hunger Games if that didn't happen. It's not good to have to grow up too soon, but the one bright spot is- it taught her the skills that she's needed for these past years."
"Stop trying to rationalize my behaviour. I was depressed, I know that. So does she. But it doesn't change what happened to her. And now I've left her again. What a woman I am…" she shakes her head sadly. "Some mother, too."
"OK, maybe it isn't forgiveness you need." he tells her complacently. "That's for Katniss to give anyway. Maybe it's redemption. Maybe it's time you redeemed yourself, FOR yourself?"
"I don't know what I could do. I'm a horrible excuse for a mother…" she looks away at the waves. Her voice fading off, drowned by the sound of the surf and the wind.
LELELELELELELELELELE
As the days go by, true to prediction, the hurricane comes, and leaves a wake of destruction in its place. Just like they said, it was a "Mockingjay" of a storm.
Lila can't barely stand to go to work. Not because of the responsibilities or the massive destruction, not because of the conditions- she's worked in much worse than that. But because of the conversation. She can't bear to hear this storm called a 'Mockingjay" one more time. All she can wonder is, "Does Katniss know what they are calling it? How does she cope?"
Walking into the hospital for her shift, she hears that term again, and this time it's one too many.
"Stop! Just stop!" She accosts the speakers. "She was just a girl! She didn't do anything wrong! Please leave her out of this!"
"Lila! What's gotten into you?" a co-worker, Irma, asks, shocked by the outburst. She looks to the others, Dominica and Martin, who all have the same expression.
"I can't bear to hear that term Mockingjay referring to this storm one more time! Katniss is just a girl! Leave her alone!" Lila is almost frantic at this time. Her co-workers try to comfort her, not really understanding what it's all truly about, but knowing that something has set off one of their best healers and friends.
"I'll go call Garret. Tell him he's needed out front," Dominica says as the other two attempt to calm an irrational Lila. It's only a few moments before Garret gets there.
"Hey! Shhh" he soothes as he hurries to her, wrapping her up in his arms. "It's OK. Let's go in, alright?"
"But she's just a girl! She shouldn't have this follow her all over again!" she says, over again, crying into his shoulder.
"No. It's true, she shouldn't. But let's take this inside, ok?" It takes a few moments, but soon, Lila is ready to go in.
Lila sits in the director's office. "Mind telling me what this is all about?"
And it all comes spilling out. How she left 12 to help out in 4. How she deserted her daughter when she needed her the most. And, worse, how she hid herself so no one would know.
After she finishes, her director takes a moment to think. Then he tells her, "Maybe now's your chance? Maybe now you can let them know about the real Katniss Everdeen. The girl you know."
LELELELELELELELELELELE
She's made up, a microphone attached to her lapel. She's asked if she's comfortable, if she needs anything, "Water? Coffee?"
"No," she says quietly. She wishes they could offer her courage. Or bravery, or so many other things she's afraid to think, let alone mention.
"So, Lila. I'm happy to sit down with you today," Plutarch asks. "I'm thankful you were willing to do this interview live. I think what you have to say might be long overdue." He tells her almost placatingly.
She told him she would only sit down with him, and only if she has final say on the interview and questions. Shes smart enough to only trust the head gamemaker within limits. "I'm curious though, after five years. Why now?"
"As you know, Plutarch, the war was hard on everyone. But no one has suffered more than my daughter. Katniss Everdeen." she tacks on the end. Each word giving her the courage she needs to speak. To do what she can to make this right. To redeem herself as Garret once told her.
"So, what has Katniss been up to lately? We never hear of her. Or Peeta for that matter."
He asks smoothly. A bit too smoothly really.
"She's still confined to 12 if that's what you're asking. And that's why I'm here today. My daughter is trying to move on, to live her life as quietly as possible. But how can she when every time she picks up the phone it's someone demanding something from her? Or every time she turns on the TV she's reminded of the destruction of the country?" each word causing Lila's frustration to grow. "This whole idea of calling that storm a Mockingjay storm. Whose was that Plutarch? How fair is that? Not only to pin the war on her, a war she never wanted and a role she never asked for? But also to now blame natural disasters on her? Who is responsible for that Plutarch? You?"
"Well Lila. I don't know how to respond. I mean, no one blames Katniss for the war. I for one place that blame on…"
"You forced her into a role she never wanted! You left Peeta in that arena to die all because you were determined to make Katniss your so-called Mockingjay! You Plutarch! You and Alma Coin! Who gave you that right?"
It seems all the pent up anger Lila has carried most of her life is coming out, directed at Plutarch. Because, really, he was a Gamemaker, he was Coin's right hand man, and now he controls communications in Panem. How do men like him still prosper? How do they sleep at night? She's so furious right now she might just do some real harm if she doesn't calm down or leave.
"Might I remind you Mrs. Everdeen," Plutarch responds, quite calmly, "That this interview is being conducted in District 4? Where YOU live? Not your daughter? Your daughter, who I saved from imprisonment I might add."
"Don't you dare claim to have saved her!" she points at him, upset. However, his words hit hard. She's in 4. She hasn't seen her daughter in 5 years because she's weak. She wasn't there for her daughter. Not once when Katniss has needed her. She's a failure and she knows it.
She stands, takes off the mic they put on her earlier, gathers up her things and walks out. She doesn't look to the right or to the left, just straight ahead and out the door. She walks and walks, dropping a scarf here, a shoe there. She walks until she cannot walk anymore- not because she is tired, but because the land has ended, giving way to the sea.
She sits alone, overlooking the bay. She's not sure how she got here, but she knows she is done. She is done walking away. Done running away. She stands, and with one last look at the sea, she takes a breath. A breath to give her courage, the courage of a thousand waves. She turns and heads home, as certain of what she is going to do as she was when she told Levi, "I do."
As she opens her front door, before she can even pick up the phone to dial, it rings. Awash with newfound bravery, she picks it up, not sure what to expect on the other end.
"Mom…" she's hears her daughter's voice on the phone, laced with emotions that can only be felt, not said.
"Oh Katniss…" she begins.
And in that moment she gets what she's been running from, and yet searching for, these last ten years. Redemption.