This is my first Frerard so please, NO HATE.
SUMMARY: Thanks to Miles, Frank finds his old I-pod and one of the songs bring back the memories. Frank explains how the song was written and about who...
DISCLAIMER: I do not know how the song was really written! This is only my imagination. I do not own the lyrics or the characters used in the story, sadly. ALL THE RIGHT OF THE SONG GO TO THEIR RIGHTFULL OWNERS.
I hope you enjoy the story and ignore all the mistakes I did. I tried to correct everything but after all, I'm only human.
I was sitting on the couch in my living room, kids and Jamia were already asleep upstairs. I was incredibly bored and my insomnia was kicking back in. I could use this time productively but as lazy as I am, all I did was laying on these comfy cushions, blasting music through my old I-pod.
I was seconds away from going off into sweet slumber when suddenly one song came up...
It was one of My Chem's unreleased songs and I've not heard it in few years. A little smile crept on my lips. I remember the reason I wrote the song. My reason was now 35 years old and lived just across the street. My smile faded away into expression full of pain as the memories flashed through my head.
I wrote the song back in 2007 when one of the famous Frerard kisses happened. For me it was something more than just a way of saying 'fuck you' to homophobes. I loved Gerard, and the moment our lips joined together my hands would automatically run up his back. I remember the crowd falling completely silent, they were shocked to see Gerard starting to kiss me -just as much as I was- but then they started to cheer happily, however not everybody was as happy as we were. After the show a lot of rumours about me and Gerard having a homosexual relationship. A lot of our fans turned away from the band and there was so much hate spread about us around the internet. Gerard decided to put an end to it and said that he will never kiss me again...
But as I said, for me, this kiss, meant a lot. It meant everything to me. Gerard Way was my everything and he knew it.
For next couple of shows Gee would jump around the stage and tease me, like he always did, although, after the kiss I didn't treat it like friendly jokes or anything. It started to have an effect on me, thanks God I was a guitar player,otherwise guys would have noticed my boner and I'd have to deal with some uncomfortable comments and stupid jokes.
Every time Gerard would run up to me, I felt this sexual tension raising. I was convinced that he could feel it too. One day, when it was almost the end of our summer tour and we were just finishing our last song when I've heard him sing ''…and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard...''. I could hear my self forgetting few chords but I don't think anyone noticed, what distracted me was how Gerard looked at me when he sung that line...
His eyes were full of lust. And don't tell me it was just my imagination. He wanted me and if he could, he'd fuck me right on the stage.
I tried to shake that feeling off and finish the song. After we were done I did my best to act naturally and I realized that it was so much easier for Gerard than me.
'How can he act like nothing happened?' I kept asking my self when I was alone in the tour bus. The guys were out in the pub after believing in my poor excuse of being tired. I lay in my bunk asking the same question over and over again. I couldn't get rid off those beautiful eyes out of my head.
Maybe I was seeing things after all? Tears started to run down my face and disappear in the collar of my sweaty shirt. I was turning from side to side, screaming and crying into my pillow so no one could hear.
'What the hell are you doing?' I heard a voice in my head. I told him to shut up but he continued to tease me:
'You're pathetic Frank' after that I screamed in my pillow even more, it was now covering my whole face and I had a difficulty breathing. Suddenly I felt something heavy falling next to me on the mattress and my pillow being lifted up.
My face dropped.
Gerard was staring at me with his stupid grin and black bangs hanging on his forehead. 'You look like you just saw a ghost!' HE WAS LAUGHING! I was so fucking embarrassed. More tears started to run down my face. I realized that the voice that was teasing me wasn't in my head. It was Gerard's. He never saw me cry before... He's right, I am pathetic. The crying turned into a panic attack. I couldn't control my self anymore. Gerard's grins disappeared. 'Frank?' his voice changed dramatically. From mocking in a soft caring tone. 'Frank, I'm sorry for laughing, I didn't know you'll react like that... Did something happened to Jamia?' He had no idea how wrong he was. It had nothing to do with her. She didn't care about the kiss, she really believed in this 'homophobia is gay' thing. 'Nnn, no, she's fine' it was all I could say since I was still having a panic attack. 'Then what is it? I never saw you in a state like that' even though he looked relieved that everything's ok with my girlfriend he still sounded worried. I didn't answer him though. We stayed silent for around 20 minutes. I calmed down a little but my cheeks we were still wet. I kept my eyes shut for all this time. I just wasn't able to look at him.
I felt warm finger on my face...
He was drying my tears! I held my breath. His skin was so soft and so gentle. I leaned into the touch. 'What the fuck Frank?' I opened my eyes just to see Gerard sitting up, almost hitting the ceiling of my bunk, he was confused. 'Oh com'on Gerard! Don't act like you don't know that I have feeling for you!' I literally spat in his face. 'I just never thought that they were that strong...' I could tell it was difficult for him and he was carefully choosing words that wouldn't hurt me '...Frank, it's not right, I mean, we both have girlfriends... It won't work out.' he put a hand on my shoulder since I was already sitting up as well. 'Fine. Just look at me and say that you don't feel the same and I'll never bring the topic up again.' I said with straight face however my read eyes and shaky voice did not make me look serious enough. 'Frank...' he started looking straight into my eyes 'I don't feel the same as you do... I'm sorry, I really am but... for me you're just like a brother. I'm sorry.' he took his hand off of my shoulder as he finished talking, waiting for my reaction. Right then I was pissed off. I wanted to slap him and trust me, the idea was tempting but I know it would make thing worse. 'Leave' I said through mu teeth, Gerard looked at me shocked 'leAVE!' I turned my face away from him and clenched my fists. I felt the mattress lifting up. He was gone.
Next week was a torture. I avoided Gerard as much as I could but every time our eyes locked he was looking worried. He even tried to talk to me few time after that but I would have always waved him off. Other guys in the band didn't really worried about it but they sure noticed something happened between us.
The summer tour ended and we were going home for 2 weeks to spend some time with our families, before we head back on the road. It was the middle of the night and I was sitting at the table in the living area of our little bus. I had a pen in my hand and a new blank page of my notebook in front of my. I wanted, no, I needed to write a song, otherwise my head was going to explode. I tried to write about anything but all I had in my head was Gerard. His stupid grin and raven black hair. This annoying but sexy voice. He was everywhere. I know I promised not to let my feeling take the lead but it was late, everyone was asleep and let's be real, one song can't harm anyone, right?
The pen started to dance across the page and all the feelings I had for the older Way, were turned into ink. I remembered when we first kissed. It was like lighting up a fire that was meant to burn bright. I also remembered what I read on internet after the kiss. People were saying that 'you never get to heaven with a love like yours' I got pissed off every time I saw these comments but then Gerard would shut the computer off and sing this stupid son that went something like this: ''well if you're lost little boy, they'll give us both a ride back down'' fuck knows where he got that from but I decided to put it down on paper.
'And when you see your face. Well, you'll never be the same again' a soft voice whispered in my ear, reading what I just wrote. A pair of hands hugged me from behind. 'I like it' was all he said before he started to slowly kiss my neck. 'Gerard what are you doing and why?' I asked, our breaths were getting faster with every kiss. 'Reading the lyrics?' he tried to be smart but as I started to pull away from him he spoke again 'Because I love you Frank, that's why' he cupped my face forcing me to look at him. His eyes were sad. It was clear that this week was harder for him than it was for me. He pressed his lips against mine. And like the last time, my hands run up his back. He let out a sight in my mouth and a smile of satisfaction crept on my lips. We continued kissing passively until I was on my back and Gee took my t-shirt off while I was till struggling with buttons of his black shirt. He noticed and sat right on my crotch. I have to say that I've been in more comfortable positions in my life but Gerard didn't seem to care about my erection growing under him, instead he slowly started to unbutton his shirt. That bastard was teasing me! He was so fucking slow. But when his chest was finally bare -which seemed to take hours- he started to kiss me again, although, this time he was also moving. Our hips started grinding against each other. I've let out a moan, Gerard followed. He was about to take my jeans off when we hear a loud 'ouch' coming out form one of the bunks. We pulled away immediately and stared to put our clothes back on.
'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck' Bob clumsily crawled out of his bunk whit his hand on his head. He walked up to the cupboards without noticing me and Gerard sitting at the table across. Thank Lord for that because we still couldn't breath normally.
'Bob is everything ok?'
'uh, what?' he turned around confused 'um, yeah, I guess?' we looked at him questioningly and I pointed with my finger at his hand which he was still holding pressed against his temple. 'oh that? It's nothing. I dreamt I was falling and you know how dreams like that end. You get this weird spasm and in my case the ceiling was a bit to low' he finished his little story but as Gerard snickered beside me, Bob changed the topic 'what you two are doing here? It's like 2 am' I knew it was just a normal question anybody would ask but my face went all red and if it wasn't late at night it would probably give it all away. Thankfully Gerard had a ready explanation 'We were inspired and decided to write a song' he said waving the paper in front of Bob's face. He looked satisfied and after taking few painkillers, went back to sleep.
'That was a close one' Gerard said pulling me closer so I was now sitting on his knees. ' You know it's just for tonight Frank, right?' I did, and that was what hurt me the most. I nodded 'If we chosen to be be together we'd be just a hopeless cause, Frank, there is no future for this relationship' he whispered and kissed me again and this time, it was our last kiss.
It's been months later when I found a single piece of paper laying on one of the shelves. I picked it and started reading.
''So give me all you've got,
I can take it
We walked alone in your city lights
Did you make it?
We lit the fire and it's burning bright
Did you take it?
Kissed all the boys in your city lights
Did you make it?
Left all the stars in your city nights
Can you fake it?
I lost my way in your city lights
Count your men
We stole the fire
And it's burning bright
So give me all you've got,
I can take it
We walked around in your city lights
'Cause it makes me who I am
We lit the fire
And it's burning bright
Not ashamed of what I am
I took the pills
for these empty nights
'Cause it makes me who I am
They always told me that
"You never get to heaven
With a love like yours''
Well if you're lost little boy,
The cameras pull you right back down, yeah
It's like a chemical burn,
I'm peeling off your skin, yeah
And when you see your face
Well you'll never be the same again, yeah
Cause if you just stop breathing,
All stop, stop my heart
I'll stop breathing too
So give me all you've got,
I can take it
We walked around in your city lights
'Cause it makes me who I am
We lit the fire,
And it's burning bright
Not ashamed of what I am,
I'd trade the world for your city nights
'Cause it makes me who I am
And it makes me who I am
And it makes me who I am
And though I missed the chance for this,
I confess that I can't wait,
Until it's gone
No I mean this every single day
So go when you can't burn inside
'Cause the world don't need
Another hopeless cause
Though it makes me who I am
'Cause it makes me who I am
And you made me who I am
And you made me who I am
Be afraid of what I am
I can take it
We walked around in your city lights,
'Cause it makes me who I am
I burned it all and I'll do it right
'Cause I'll never burn away,
I'll steal the blood from your city nights
'Cause it makes me who I am
Who I am''
After reading I called the guys and we recorded the song. Afterwards I refused to let it be used on any of our future albums. I just needed it to be recorded. So it's complete. Something more than just ink on a piece of paper. Gerard's voice suited the song perfectly and I still can't imagine anyone else singing it. I didn't want the song because it brought all these feeling back and I was determined to keep the promise that I made to Gerard during that summer, that I'll never bring the topic of us being together ever again. Everyone loved the song and as we were leaving the studio - for God knows how long this time- the older way stopped me and pulled into a big hug. Before he stepped back he said something just for me to hear: 'I like it' and just like that summer night, I could not help but smile.
I transferred the song on my I-pod but after the twins were born I did not really had the time to listen to it, until Miles found it this morning while he was playing with Cherry and Lily. The I-pod was tucked under one of the cribs, between the toys. No wonder I never noticed it. And now, after 5 years, I had a chance to bring back the memories.
I wont lie. And I was laying on the couch late at night and that song started playing, I cried. Not as much as I did back then, when Gerard rejected me but enough to realise that my love for him will always 'Burn Bright'.