First day of school. It's always amazing and indulging to hear all of the fawning over everyone's new looks and clothes, who they share classes with, and rejoice with friends. For me, however, it isn't the same anymore. Not this year. I'm not so worried about appearence or my schedule. Well, I am, but not in the same way that my peers were engrossed with it. Sure, that was always the fun part of a fresh start, but people saw me in a new limelight than they had in previous years. If I could make it through this one day, and everything for the past was indeed done and over with, I would surive this entire ordeal.
My mistakes last year had given me the reputation of the year. I remember the moment in time when Rick leveled the gun in his hand towards me like it was yesterday. Apparently, so did everyone else. Well, they at least remember what they heard; Emma Nelson, nearly shot, but miraciously saved by hero Sean Cameron. I was the talk of the school at that point, and so was Sean. He was the one person I could really talk to about the shooting. He had been there; even defended me against the barriers of life and death. Sean left that first Monday back at school, for Wasaga. For his parents. It was clearly understandable. I should have been elated that he had finally buried the hatchet between he and his parents, but I wasn't. Maybe it was just me being selfish, only thinking of my needs, not anyone else. I should have even seen it coming. Of course his parents would come to play in his life; they had to eventually. It was just that one of the few times I needed to talk to someone, that someone was gone. I had always considered seeking out Toby, but he never had really struck me as someone who I could open up to. I mean, he was just Toby. He was the only one who come close to a friendship with the "psycho", so close it was almost tangible. And I? Well, the relationship I had with Rick was...nothing. Perhaps that's why I never saw an immediate connection with my friend. I guess because he was always so closed up on the situation just made me want to turn away from him.
Things had settled down after a bit. Until, of couse, Jay came along. He hadn't meant anything to me. I mean, just because I went in to the the accoutred van with him didn't change a thing. A person like Jay didn't have the capacity for emotion in his heart. It was all imprecation and abuse. I always had wondered whether he had grown up in an inflictive environment or not. With the way he treated others though, I saw that as the only explanation for his tirading. Why he gave attention to me though, "Greenpeace", the person not a year ago he couldn't stand, was mind boggling. As much as I may hate to say it, I enjoyed the engrossment he had for me, if one could call it that. It was so diverse compared to the stares and silent accusations I got everyday, just walking through the Degrassi hallways. He didn't care about any of that. I liked that in him. The fact that he, bad-boy Jay Hogart, wanted to be with me was liberating, and in a way, I wanted to prove I wasn't everything that I now hated. Ms. Save the World. I was so childish back then, promoting environmentally-safe toilet seats, when I was completely ignorant to the larger happenings in the world. I guess being faced with a life-or-death situation is all it took to open my eyes. Gee, nothing to it.
But once I found out I was sick, I knew I couldn't continue doing what I was doing. I couldn't possibly want someone that much, even if that one guy was exactly what I needed.
Don't get me wrong though. For the standpoint that everyone saw it at, it all sounds so sudden. I guess no one ever really considers that Wasaga had been the first juncture between us, and that all of it wasn't always about Sean. When we arrived, Sean had first driven us to his parents house. Jay and I hung around by his Civic, just talking. Small-talk only, really; anything else would have just been inconceivable. Even when Sean was talking to Ellie before hopping on the jet-ski, we just sat in the grainy sand, not saying much, but it was something. We had achieved the impossible, a tolerance of each other. I just never thought that tolerance would escalade into what it had.
This year I wanted to avoid all of the rumors. I didn't want to be the Manny replica again. I could only hope that I would be old news, something that had happened, but no one really cared about anymore. With the exception of Chris' routine insinuations, my hopes were coming true. Everyone seemed to be so preoccupied in their own new tidbits from the summer that didn't give me the same belitting attention like last year. For the first time in awhile, I actually walked in to school with a smile on my face. Dad would be proud if he saw me right now. And my mom would actually be able to think about something other than my drastic changes. Things couldn't be that bad afterall.
I had to go see the principle for something or other. I wasn't told what exactly, just directed by Snake to see her promptly. It was probably just to inquire me on the S.I.T.E. program, something that I had pretty much omitted from my worries. The hallways were packed as usual, and getting to the office proved to be difficult with the line of students protruding out of main office. It was nice not having to be alone with my thoughts all of the time now. This was school, and I would just concentrate on that. None of the other crap that would typically occupy my time, like worrying. Lately, that seemed all I had been capable of. There were moments when I was laughing at was happy, and I tried to focus on those times and those times only, but it was hard.
My thoughts of relief could only stand for so long though.
When I locked eyes with that special someone, everything came at a torrent again. Toby had told me that he and Spinner would be returning this year after their expulsion, and would be in our graduating class. Everyone had heard about the expulsion, and what had really happened behind the scenes. No one had ever confirmed the rumors though; apparently the two "convicts" had refused to talk about whatever is was that had happened. That one point in time last year was probably the only one when the school still wasn't chastising me for my misguided exploits. Now, however, they could talk about our special reunion. Great.
To be truthfully honest, I was surprised that Degrassi had let them come back. Sure, I'd known that the rest of the people who were in anyway connected to Jimmy, or just plain ol' cared, would give them more hell then ever. Which, in a way didn't make me feel alone in my hostile feelings towards them; mostly towards Jay. In way, it just gave me more of a reason to hate him even more.
He was sitting outside the principle's office, body slumped down in the wooden-backed chair, with his partner in crime in the seat next to him. I froze in mid-step watching him, and he too seemed to be transfixed on me. I didn't expect it to be this hard. Maybe it was the same attire that he had worn for the past two years that had caught my attention in the first place, and reminded me of the past. I noticed as my breathing became more intense, but dismissed that thought. Casually looking the other way, I focused my attention on getting to homeroom, skipping my meeting with Ms. Hatzilakos entirely, and kept walking. Why was this suddenly so hard? At the end of the year during my sophmore year, I had finally gotten over my "inexcusable demeanor," as Snake had so eloquently put it, and so did everyone else. At the time, I'd just been relieved to have the attention off of me. I simply figured it was about time after having to endure theperiod of guilt and cruelty. By then, it was too late since the school year was practically over. Now, I got to start the school year off on a bad foot, with the spotlight redirected towards me once more, with the reunion of Jay and Spinner sure to be the new catergory on the Wheel of Gossip.
I just had to stay positive. I would hardly ever see him, and when I did, it would be nothing.
Absolutely nothing.