Jayne stared at the screen. He knew a lot about death, the places to hit to make dying easy, and more to make it hard, the way blood flew when a throat was cut just so, how a bullet through lungs bubbled … all this and more. He could've written a book on it. But this, looking at what happened, the sheer physical improbability of it …
"What're you looking at?" Hank asked, stepping down into the galley.
"Huh?" Jayne was so engrossed in the portable Cortex link that he didn't even try to hide it as the pilot looked over his shoulder.
"Everything a father needs to know about pregnancy …" he read out loud.
The big mercenary belatedly put his arm across the screen. "Hey. Bug off. Private."
"Not no more." Hank grinned and strolled to the counter for a coffee. "'Sides, you're glaring at a father here. There ain't one Cortex site you can think of I haven't looked at."
"Yeah?" Jayne was intrigued, despite himself.
"Sure. And I ain't the only one." Hank dropped into the chair opposite, his mug in his hand. "I could show you the logs. Prove it."
"Even the Cap?"
"He was worst of all!"
It had been a week since River had gone to see Simon, Jayne tagging along reluctantly.
"Only reason I'm going is to see the look on his face," the big man avowed.
"I'll keep him away from scalpels. Come on." She took hold of his hand and pulled him into the infirmary. "Simon."
Her brother looked up from some test results. "At last," he said, smiling at Jayne.
"What?" Jayne muttered.
"You've got her to let me check her over."
"I don't need checking over," River said, letting go of Jayne's hand and hopping up onto the medbed.
"You don't?" Simon looked confused. "Then this is a social call?"
"No." She took his hand and placed it on her stomach. "Run the test."
"Test? Test what?" Realisation came slowly, dawning like sunlight, only it turned into shock. "Are you saying … you're … you and Jayne?" He couldn't say anything else, his jaw working but no words, just eyes wide staring at the pair of them. If anything he'd gone paler than usual. His free hand gripped the edge of the examining couch.
She patted his hand. "I know I am. So you'd better get your little medical doodad and check."
"How … how far along …" Simon knew he was sounding like the worst of the most incompetent medical students ever, but he couldn't help it. His sister. Pregnant. His little sister. With … with him.
"Simon." She was looking at him, and it was the look he knew all too well.
"If you didn't read me you wouldn't see things like that!"
Jayne stared from one to the other, then sighed. "Figure it's me you're talking about."
River held out her free hand to him. "Simon's a boob."
"I am not a boob!" the man in question snapped.
"Doc …" Jayne warned.
Simon took a deep breath. "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry." He turned to his equipment. "I don't know if I can tell yet, but I can do a blood test."
"You'll tell."
He turned back. "It will only take a moment."
She smiled. "No, Simon. Eight months."
No-one spoke for the next couple of minutes, as Simon kept his eyes glued firmly to the machine, waiting for the reading to appear, not sure what response he was praying for. Jayne started to smirk slightly, and River hit him lightly on the pad of his arm.
There was a beep, and Simon took a sharp breath.
"See?" River said to no-one in particular.
"You're … you're pregnant. Just." He turned back, trying to pull his professional pride together.
"Didn't think moonbrain was lying, did ya?" Jayne asked, leaning forward.
"No, no, of course not. I just …"
"Just what?"
"Don't see how it happened."
Jayne guffawed. "Doc, if I have to draw you pictures, Kaylee's got some real trouble."
"I didn't mean that." A blush worked its way up Simon's porcelain skin. "I meant, River was being medicated."
"Things happen, Simon," River said airily. "And I was due another shot a few weeks ago, but things were happening. I forgot."
"Forgot?"
She shook her head. "Been thinking about it. Knew I needed to come along, should use something else … but I wanted to feel all of Jayne, and I –"
"River!"
"Sometimes you're more of a prude than the captain," she said pointedly. "But I don't know why I didn't."
"I think that sort of psychological analysis would be better for another day," Simon said, wishing the heat he could feel in his cheeks would go. "So what happened, Cerberus, everything … this was why?"
"Yes." She gazed at him, her dark eyes calm. Suspiciously so.
He looked seriously at his sister. "Mei-mei, we have to … I have to keep a close eye on you. Monitor your hormone levels. If it looks like they're peaking –"
"Doc, figure that's why we're here," Jayne growled. "You're gonna help keep her healthy. Sane. Well, much as she can be."
Simon drew himself up. "I am her brother, Jayne. Of course I will. As well as being her doctor." He looked back at her. "I want to do a blood test every morning."
River's nose wrinkled. "I don't have enough."
"You have to. And if you don't turn up I'll just tell Mal and he'll order you."
"Just disobey."
"Don't worry none, doc," the father-to-be put in. "I'll make sure she's here. Even if I have to carry her."
"Thank you, Jayne."
"And ya took it real well," Jayne said, slapping the younger man on the back. "Thought maybe you'd faint or something, knowing I'm the pa of your niece or nephew."
Simon couldn't go any paler. "Right."
That night Jayne called for silence at the dinner table. "Got something to tell you."
"What's up, big guy?" Hank asked, then turned, startled, as Bethany giggled.
"Hey, you weren't supposed to be peekin'!" Jayne admonished.
"Auntie Frey did," the little girl pointed out, still sounding congested but with a grin so wide on her face that all her small white teeth were visible.
"That don't mean you can, Bethie," Mal said, his arm around Ethan as the boy sat on his thigh. "I asked her to."
Freya, Jesse asleep in her arms, smiled. "Lessons tomorrow, Bethie."
The grin faltered a little, but only for a moment. "Don't care," she said, her light coming back on. "And I didn't tell Momma when she asked."
Everyone looked at Kaylee, who glanced up from wiping Hope's nose. "S'right," she confirmed. "Not a word. And chicken soup was involved, too."
"Bribery and corruption?" Mal asked, smiling.
"Course. Had me good teachers."
"The best."
Jayne became aware that River was tapping her foot agitatedly. He took her hand and squeezed gently as he said over the other voices, "We're pregnant!"
Silence fell, along with three jaws.
"You and him?" Hank finally managed to get out, staring at River. "Or are we looking at a miracle here?"
"I am with child," River agreed formally. "And Jayne's the father."
"So no jokes," the mercenary said, glaring at Hank.
"Wasn't about to. Not yet, anyway." A grin to rival Bethany's appeared. "Congratulations!"
Zoe got up from her chair and came around the table to hug the expectant mother. "And that's from me too. Anything you need, you just ask."
"I will."
Kaylee was glaring at Simon. "How come I'm always the last to know?" she demanded.
"Bao bei, I only found out myself this morning," her husband insisted.
"Took it real well, too," Jayne added. "Didn't faint nor nothing."
"Thank you," Simon said. "I think."
"Auntie River's gonna have a baby?" Ethan asked, his eyes huge.
"That's right, big feller," Mal said. "Kinda your cousin."
"Like Ben and Hope?"
"Exactly."
"And Bethany."
"That's it."
"More smelly diapers?"
"Pooh," Bethany put in, and the little boy laughed.
River was watching Kaylee. "Aren't you happy for us?" she asked her sister-in-law, her tone somewhat fretful.
The young mechanic realised she was the only one who hadn't appeared pleased. "Oh, mei-mei, of course I am." She handed Hope to Simon and hugged the girl. "Course I'm happy! I'm just stupid, as usual."
"Not stupid," River said, smiling in the tight embrace. "Much."
"Hey!"
"I'd say congratulations, 'cept I knew already," Mal said smugly. "So all I'm gonna say is … when's the wedding?"
Freya glared at him, and from the wince he gave also kicked him under the table.
"No wedding," River said.
"Could be a double," Hank put in, earning his own glare and kick from Zoe. "Just saying."
"Don't want to get married."
"I already asked," Jayne admitted, grumbling a little. "She turned me down."
"I'm not ready yet."
"Honey, don't let them try to brow beat you into anything," Zoe said, tossing another glare at Mal.
"I won't," River promised.
"What is it about the women on this boat?" Mal asked. "What makes 'em all so loathe to get married?"
"Must be something in the water," Jayne said, sighing.
"Got that right," Hank agreed.
Now, though, a week later, the pilot was all smiles.
"It's a great Christmas present for everyone." He sipped his coffee. "And any advice I can give –"
"Christmas?" Jayne's brow furrowed.
"Yeah. You know, twinkly lights on a tree, trimmings, turkey …"
"Soon?"
"Pretty much." Hank grinned. "Jayne, you really have no idea what date it is?"
Jayne didn't respond, just checked the Cortex screen. "Cao," he muttered.
"What? Is there a problem?"
"How far're we from Jangyin?" Jayne asked suddenly.
Hank shook his head. "'Bout a week. Why?"
"A week."
"But getting further every second. We're heading in the other direction. And I ask again … why?"
"It's the fourteenth."
"So? Jayne, you're making less sense than … whoa, wait a minute," Hank said, putting his hand on the old table top. "What was that?"
"What?"
"We changed course."
"What? You can feel that?"
Hank was on his feet and heading for the bridge. "I know this ship like the back of my hand. Better. We changed course," he threw over his shoulder.
Jayne followed him, an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't surprised to see the pilot's chair occupied.
"River, what's going on?" Hank asked as he climbed the steps. "Did you just –"
"Got to pick up your mother first," the young psychic said to Jayne, tucking her feet underneath her. "And Inara. But it will only take an extra day. Still be on Jiangyin in time."
"Time?" Hank leaned over her, studying the controls. "Time for what?"
"The wedding."