A/N: My take on the emotional state of the characters after Chuck vs. The Break-Up. Thanks so much as always, to my amazing beta WinterBaby19!
Disclaimer: Don't own Chuck, though I wish I did.
The White Dress
Bridesmaid dresses.
Sarah wasn't completely sure she wanted to look at them. They were just one step short of being wedding dresses. And she did not want to think about that. After the conversation she'd just had with Chuck, any reminder of wedding dresses seemed cruel.
But Ellie was so excited and Sarah couldn't very well say that she didn't want to look at the dresses.
Ellie took her by the hand and dragged her over to the table where she picked up a magazine and starting rifling through to find the pages she'd marked. Sarah felt Chuck's presence fall behind her. It was strange how aware of him she'd become. She didn't think she had even been so connected to someone before.
Awesome and Ellie pointed excitedly to the pictures in the magazine. They were almost delirious in their happiness. Sarah chanced a glance behind her.
He was there. Casually leaning against a pillar. So…perfect. She looked at him and he smiled painfully back at her. She felt the sudden urge to cry, but quelled the feeling and turned back to the magazine.
Ellie was pointing at the dress that she was planning on getting. It was gorgeous. Sarah nodded and gushed about how beautiful it was. But all the dress succeeded in doing was making Sarah sad. She'd never have this. She'd never have the white dress and the red roses.
As Chuck had said, she just wasn't normal.
ooooo
Chuck walked out of his room and back out to the living room.
"Where'd you go Chuck?" Awesome asked him.
"Just putting something away…" Chuck replied vaguely. He needed to tell Sarah about the Intersect update Bryce had given her. But the way she kept secrets, she probably already knew about it.
"Come on Chuck, let's eat," Ellie said.
He nodded and stole a glance at Sarah. She was chatting amicably with Awesome. He loved how comfortable she was with his family. That was high on his list of requirements in a relationship. She even tolerated Morgan pretty well. Better than Ellie anyways. Maybe that was just part of the cover though. Instinct told Chuck that that wasn't the case. She seemed to be genuinely at ease with his loved ones. It crushed him to think that she could never actually be a part of his family. She'd never be one of them. She'd never be his.
Chuck moved to sit down at the table next to Sarah. As he sat, his hand brushed against her arm. She looked at him. He softly whispered sorry. She shook her head slightly. Her eyes still held the same sadness they had when they had come inside. Chuck wished with all his heart for ther sadness to evaporate. He wanted Sarah to be happy.
Was he right in thinking that for her to be happy, truly and incandescently happy, they had to be together? Sarah had never actually told him the way she felt about him. From her tears out in the courtyard could he assume that that she too, felt the way he felt about her? He thought so, and the thought comforted him slightly. At the same time it made him a little sad. It would have been easier for her if she hadn't felt anything. He wanted it to be easier for her. Isn't that what love meant?
ooooo
Throughout dinner Sarah's mind wandered from the conversation at hand to the conversation she had just had with Chuck in the courtyard. He had voiced every doubt she had in her mind in that conversation. She hadn't wanted for any of what he had said to be said out loud. She wanted for them to try something after the Intersect was out of his head, whenever that was. But she knew, deep down, that Chuck deserved so much more than what she could ever give him. He had been right when he had said that his life with her would be stunted. Their relationship would be even worse than their current façade.
That didn't change the fact that she was hopelessly in love with him.
His declaration that they could never be together had been devastating. But Sarah knew that Chuck was no idiot. He had seen the way that her feelings had affected the mission. Now that he was beginning to fully understand the way spies needed to work, he saw what a cost her feelings could have. And he had acted on it. She wouldn't have said anything, but he had. It was another reason she loved him: he always did the right thing, even if it was difficult.
In the end it was a battle between her duty and her love. That had never happened before. With Bryce, the love, or the lust, had been there but it hadn't overwhelmed her. Now her love for Chuck overpowered her duty. Her duty however, was to protect Chuck and Sarah was glad to do that. Right now, she did not have to make any choice between work and love. Her work was to protect her love. She could not quit. What if some incompetent fool came to take her position? What if Chuck got hurt as a result? It was a notion she was unwilling to entertain. So she stayed in her torturous position as Chuck's protector. She just wished she could protect him without having to bar herself from him as well.
The question hung in the air though. What about when this mission was over? What then? Could she quit the CIA at that point and just be with Chuck? The idea seemed absurd. Chuck would have moved on by then.
Right?
Sarah knew that it must have been difficult for him to have Bryce around. Having the man who got him expelled from Stanford and who stole his girlfriend obviously wasn't easy for him. But for someone who had been hurt as many times as he had, Chuck handled it spectacularly.
When Chuck had said that he'd always be second to Bryce, she had wanted to hug him. Except she had been confined to that damn hospital bed. He wasn't second to Bryce in any way. Chuck was sweeter and smarter. He was innocent and passionate. Chuck was unassuming and charming. He was everything that Bryce Larkin was not. He was perfect for her.
As Awesome finished explaining exactly what BASE-jumping was, Sarah thought that at least while under cover, she could be close to Chuck. This was all she would get. There was nothing more, nor could there be.
She'd never have that white dress.
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