Lose Control
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing having to with Harry Potter or anything else similar to it. So please don't sue me. Ohh and also the one line towards the line that is "It was he who broke the spell that kept her from loving anybody" was loosely taken from the song by the band Waking Ashland called "Let Go".
It didn't make sense.
He was the one that she never wanted.
He was the one that she strived to forget.
He was the one reason why she was happy about leaving Hogwarts.
Or so she thought...
She couldn't believe so much could change in the past year.
Just at the beginning, she had such distaste when it came to subjects involving him.
Yet now, all she could do was think about him.
She knew there was something wrong with her. Seriously wrong.
Every time she heard his name, she got goose bumps.
Every time, she heard his voice, making jokes with his friends, she felt a shiver go down her spine.
She sat anxiously on her bed, contemplating the possible reasons why she felt this way for him now.
After all these years of avoiding him and pretending he was just the annoying arrogant prick that always bothered her, she realized that she actually cared for him. Cared more for him than she would like to.
He wasn't the same as he was in past years.
But he still kept that carefree and loving personality he had before. Even though she never publicly admitted to it, she always admired him for being able to conquer any problems with his playful spirit. She always wanted to be like that.
She still could hear his words in her head.
"I don't just want you, I need you."
No one had ever said anything as remotely perfect to her before.
It was as if at that moment, she could die and be happy.
Butterflies were still dancing in her stomach.
He looked her straight in the eyes and asked her out for the first time in months.
And yet, she couldn't say yes.
She didn't know why. She really liked him now… possibly could love him.
And she knew that he liked her…. Possibly more.
She knew she was on such a high pedestal that the fall off of it would be deadly. She was afraid. What it she wasn't what he thought she was?
What if she wasn't perfect?
She couldn't risk it. She never did anything that she couldn't control.
Even with all of her past boyfriends she had been able to control those relationships.
They would date for a few months, snog a bit, and then after Lily felt as if it was getting out of her control, she would dump them, advising them that it was for the best because she was way too busy with her life right now to have a boyfriend.
Everyone had always believed her.
Who wouldn't? She was the head girl. She had some of the top scores in every class. She got eleven OWLs. Even her own friends believed that she was too busy for relationships.
But Lily knew it was all one big lie.
Getting close and losing control meant only one thing… getting hurt.
And when she was with James, she always lost control.
She didn't understand how she became so fearful of getting hurt. She had loving parents who cared and loved her enormously. She had an annoying sister, who, although a jerk to her, did care about Lily in one way or another.
She never had anything horrible happen to her.
Yet she had this innate fear of being hurt so horribly that she wouldn't be able to recover.
She had always been perfect to everyone.
She grew up with people telling her that she was perfect.
She knew never to believe it because, to her, she had everything in the world wrong with her.
She was ugly; she was stupid; she was fat; she was this; she was that.
She would never be perfect, no matter how hard she tried.
But at least she tried.
She envied people who embraced their mistakes while she hid them under the many layers she put up.
She wasn't depressed.
She had many things to be thankful for.
She just felt as if an important thing was missing from her.
That was until this year.
With her improved relationship with James, she, for the first time in her life, felt so complete and so satisfied with herself. She was walking around Hogwarts like she actually belonged. She didn't need to prove to others that she was magical enough for them. She was there because she deserved it, even if she failed every exam.
But when James asked her out for probably the last time, she froze.
Why couldn't she just have said yes?
She hated herself. She had so many regrets and this was just another one on her long list.
But this wasn't just an ordinary regret.
It was one that could shape her life.
Suddenly Lily realized what was becoming of her life. She was going to wake up one day in ten, twenty, thirty years and realize that she had never experienced what true perfection would be.
She sat up and ran towards to the Head boy's room.
She had so many thoughts spinning in her head.
"Go back," screamed one, trying to coax her back to safety and predictability.
But there was a much louder one screaming desperately at her to step outside her compact box she built for herself. She needed James more than she ever needed anyone right now.
It was he who broke the spell that kept her from loving anybody.
He was the one that taught her that perfection wasn't just perfect grades and the perfect looks.
Perfection was with him…..
Losing control was what she wanted. Because losing control with him had been the most wonderful feeling she had ever felt before…
She ran to him and glared at his surprise eyes.
"I need you, too"
A/N: Hey, I hoped everyone liked it. Please review. Don't be too mean. It's my first fanfiction in about a year...