A/N: Okay so this is a rewrite of my original. It's basically the same except for the end. The original version can still be seen in chapter two.
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or anything associated with Avatar, nor do I own the song Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano it belongs to well him…And Avatar of course belongs to the brilliant Mike and Bryan.
Watching You Die
When we started out from the Fire Nation, Zuko was but a boy, barely fourteen. I remember the medics climbing up the stairs into the ship, the stretcher that held the young Fire Nation Prince suspended between them. Both medics were young and clumsy, still being trained so they could go assist our troops in the Earth Kingdom; the first one stumbled as his foot caught on one of the iron steps and nearly dropped his end of the stretcher. Zuko's head was jostled and his burns brushed the fabric under his head. His scream of agony sent chills up the crew's spines.
Every
night
You wrote another line
With a bloody, broken, bottle
He was taken immediately to the infirmary in the depths of the small steam powered ship where the ships doctor would monitor his face as the burns healed as best they could.
The ship groaned as we pushed off from the pier and set sail out toward Earth Kingdom waters. I watched the launch from the command deck and didn't look back. For behind me lay my homeland, the land that had betrayed our crown Prince in every way imaginable.
As we made our way into open water I strode down to the main deck of the ship and looked around. Supplies had been hastily brought on board and left on deck stacked and strewn in inconvenient places as some things shifted with the rolling of the waves.
The crew busied themselves around me all while sparing worried and curious glances toward the ships crew quarters and infirmary where our Prince lay recovering from the burns that his own father had inflicted mere hours before.
"Captain!" I barked out, "I want the ship in unclaimed waters by tomorrow morning!" I said this knowing full well that it would be impossible to reach them before noon and that the relative safety of the Earth Kingdom waters was still days away.
"Yes Sir!" The activity around me intensified as the sailors hurried about securing everything on deck that we hadn't bothered to secure in our hurry to leave as well as moving crates of supplies to the galley.
I strode from the command deck in the direction of the infirmary and toward the young prince.
I entered the infirmary and was greeted with a salute from the doctor. "Sir, Prince Zuko's burns will heal as long as I can keep infection from setting in however the burn originated almost directly over his eye…I am afraid that he may have lost the sight in it."
"Is it just a possibility, or a fact Doctor?"
"I am almost positive he will not be able to see from that eye anymore sir, but I won't know for sure until the Prince wakes up."
"How long will he be infirmed here?"
"As long as the burns are open and he remains asleep sir."
I nodded in understanding as I gazed down at my young nephew, "Leave us."
"Yes sir." The doctor bowed respectfully as he left me alone with Zuko.
"Oh Zuko…" I whispered as a stroked my hand over his head, for a brief instant I was ten years younger and Zuko was my precious Lu Ten, it soon passed however and Zuko was once more my beloved nephew, "What will happen to you now?"
And
every day
You wish it away
Why don't you pull the pin
On
that grenade
You coddle
Zuko remained in the doctor's care for two weeks before stumbling out of bed and onto deck. I smiled when I saw him squint across the deck and towards the sea.
The crew, whom had all visited our prince while he was asleep, didn't linger on white linen bandages that covered the bright angry red scar that now covered almost half of his face.
"Zuko! It is good to see you out of bed!" I greeted him as happily as I could.
"Uncle? Where are we going?"
"Where ever you lead us Prince Zuko, this ship is yours to command. Your father has left the task of finding the Avatar to you. When you find him your father will welcome you home back to the Fire Nation and restore your honor." I couldn't help but wince as I told Zuko the fool's errand that his father had sent him on.
Zuko looked at me and I could see the depression and anguish in his young eyes but I saw something else, hope. I only hoped that this would be enough to show him through the hard times that I knew where nipping our heels.
"I will find him uncle. And I will regain my honor."
I
wanted to believe
Bodies swinging from trees
Struggling to
stand
With your head in your hands
A stoic last stand
Of a
dying man
While at sea I resumed Zuko's fire bending training. It was then that I noticed the strange turn in his behavior. Zuko, who had always been a kind boy, now had a temper like that which I had never seen. His fire bending that had once been tame and predictable was fierce and wild with no control. For the first time in my life, I feared him, and I saw what a powerful Fire Lord he could one day be, if given the chance.
Each day Zuko seemed to grow more and more frustrated with no leads on the Avatar's location. He was determined not to let his growing despair show but it was obvious to us all. He trained more often and for longer, using any free time to spar with the steadily dwindling crew volunteers.
Looking back on it now I should have paid more attention when he started covering his wrists with wrappings during training, something that was not uncommon but still something that Zuko had once claimed to be useless. However it wasn't long after Zuko had started wrapping his wrists that we spotted the Avatar's light. Zuko stopped wrapping his wrists for a while after that, however some evidence of the reason remained.
"Uncle! Today is the day I will capture the Avatar and regain my honor."
I
wanted to believe
As I watched your world
Crumble in your
hands
I wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your
last stand
Unfortunately Zuko's plans didn't go as he had hoped and the Avatar escaped with the two young water tribe members. This was, unfortunately, the first of many escapes by the Avatar. I watched, helpless, as each escape, each failure caused Zuko to plunge further into depression.
He came so close at the North Pole, he had the Avatar in his clutches, but at the finish line he stumbled and lost.
The betrayal of Azula came next.
When Azula showed her self, claiming that Ozai had missed Zuko and that he wanted us home, I couldn't help but be skeptical. I had never known my brother to regret anything and it hurt to see Zuko so quickly denounce me in the name of his sire.
And
I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That
I did not understand
That I did not understand
Azula quickly showed her true intent, or her soldiers did.
Zuko was heart broken. His father had labeled him a traitor and an enemy of the Fire Nation. Cutting off our topknots was probably one of the hardest things that we have ever had to do.
My nephew has been through much in his few short years on this earth. The death of his mother, the betrayal if his sister, the neglect and abuse of his father, I couldn't claim to be surprised when I started noticing cuts and scabs on the underside of his wrists.
Soon after this we were forced to enter a small Earth Kingdom village and met the lovely young healer Song. Such a kind spirited girl, I hoped that maybe some of her happiness would rub off on Zuko who had been growing paler and thinner.
"When I was a little girl, the Fire Nation attacked my village. They took all the men away; that was the last time I saw my father."
Zuko paused before he answered, "I haven't seen my father in many years."
Every
night
The questions poured out
Of your wounded eyes
Damn
dark things
Every day
You used to pray
Listen to the black
raven sing
Song piped back up innocently and asked a question that couldn't have been anymore difficult to answer. "Is he fighting in the war?"
I almost choked on the food I was chewing and glanced over to my nephew who was clinging to his utensil with unnecessary force. His face tightened as he debated what his answer should be.
'No, he's to busy running the damn thing to fight in it.'
'He's been to busy sending my sister after me to kill me to bother fighting himself.'
I could see all these thoughts run over my Prince's face before he finally spoke.
"Yeah." With that he set his bowl back on the table and excused himself.
I think it might have been that night that Zuko finally understood that the Fire Nation wasn't just hurting the solders or the 'bad people'. They were hurting and killing innocent people, people with families, with responsibilities. People that were now helping the son of the Fire Lord and me.
After dinner I helped clean the dishes and watched from the corner of my eye as Song slipped out the door that Zuko had made his exit through not too long before.
"You have a very nice young boy there Mr. Mushi."
"Just Mushi is fine," I smiled charmingly at Song's mother. "And yes my nephew is a good boy. He still needs to figure a few things out, but he has done well so far. Thank you very much for dinner." I bowed in thanks before I moved toward the door.
"It was a pleasure to have such pleasant company."
I bowed in respect and opened the door to step outside. "Zu- Lee, are you ready to leave?"
Zuko looked up from where he was on the ground and nodded.
He slowly pulled himself to his feet while his gaze remained on Song who was moving to stand up as well.
"It was very nice to meet you Lee." She bowed and Zuko nodded in response and moved to leave.
"Junior," I called after him jokingly, "Where are your manners? Thank these kind people."
Zuko turned back to face the two women and bowed, "Thank you." He once again turned to leave and I followed suit.
Suddenly Song called out from behind us, "I know it doesn't seem like there's much hope left, but there is; the Avatar has returned."
I winced and wondered if there was anything else worse to say to the Fire Nation Prince who had been in charge of the capture of said Avatar.
Zuko paused for a split second, "I know…" and with that he continued up the path without turning back.
You
wanted to believe
As you were falling to your knees
Struggling
to stand
With your life in your hand
The sad last stand
Of a
broken man
As we left on the stolen beast of burden that we had acquired from our hosts I thought I head the door to the house slide shut and turned to look, but saw nothing.
As we traveled Zuko and I experienced harsh realities, many of which I had encountered similarly during my long life or during the siege of Ba Sing Se, however Zuko found them all new and all incredibly frustrating and depressing.
We were staying in a cave near an Earth Kingdom village when Zuko suddenly started to 'buy' things. Many things, things that he thought, that we as royalty no doubt deserved.
I entered the cave slowly and took my time looking around at the many things Zuko had acquired for our use, the most extravagant being a golden tea set.
"Looks like you did some serious shopping." I commented as I examined the tea pot. "But where did you get the money?"
"Do you like your new tea pot?"
"To be honest with you, the best tea tastes delicious when it comes in a porcelain pot or a tin cup." The dejected look on Zuko's face as I said this was enough for me to want to snatch my words back and tell him that yes, I loved my new tea pot and that I already had six teas in mind to brew in it. However I could not take what I had said back and so instead I stood and walked to the other side of the cave to sit next to him. "I know that we had some difficult times lately. We've had to struggle just to get by, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. There is a simple honor in poverty."
Zuko looked at me coldly, "There's no honor for me without the Avatar."
I lowered my head, was my nephew really naive enough to think that capturing the Avatar would return things to the way he wanted them to be? "Zuko," I sighed, "Even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve out problems, not now."
Zuko closed his eyes and for a moment I thought that he would break down but he replied steadily, "Then there is no hope at all."
I was sure that I physically reeled back along with my mind. It had happened. It had finally happened. Zuko had lost hope.
"No Zuko!" I told him possibly a bit too harshly as I grabbed his retreating shoulders and widened my eyes, "You must never give into despair! Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts!" I let my voice soften and my love for my nephew to leak through my words, "In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
I
wanted to believe
As I watch your world
Crumble in your hands
I
wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
Zuko froze and turned to look at me as if to say something, but pulled away from my grasp and walked out of the cave.
It wasn't until much later that night that Zuko returned to the cave. I stood with my back to him as I mixed what was to be our dinner.
"Uncle, I thought a lot about what you said."
"You did?" I smiled, maybe this time I will have finally gotten the right message through to him, "Good, good."
"It's helped me realize something. We no longer have anything to gain by traveling together. I need to find my own way."
My heart stopped for a few seconds during that time I think and I tried to look for a different meaning behind Zuko's words, but found none. He was leaving.
I heard him move and pick up his bag and begin to walk away.
"Wait!" I called out after him and hurried to catch up with him while holding on the ostrich horse. Zuko turned back to me and I handed the animal off to him.
Zuko hesitated for only a split second before grabbing the animal and hoisting himself onto it. No doubt he thought I was giving it to him out of concern and while he would have been partly right, the true reason I gave it to him was much pettier. The large animal would be much easier to track at a distance then Zuko.
And
I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That
I did not understand
That I did not understand
After he left I couldn't say I was shocked, the signs of his growing unease and frustration had been steadily growing and while I didn't think it was the best thing for him, I could see why Zuko wanted to be on his own.
At least for a little while.
During my travels alone I met a young blind earth bender. It had been a very long time since I was given good advice that I had not already know.
"About your Nephew, maybe you should tell him you need him too."
Wiser words were very rarely ever spoken.
It was later that day that I finally caught up with Zuko when he needed me, however as it turned out I was little more then a liability that allowed Azula to get away when she should have been killed.
While I was teetering on the edge of consciousness I heard the young water bender offer her help and I could only pray that Zuko would have the common sense not to push away the woman that could not only heal me, but him to, or so I believed.
When I woke I found that my prayer had not been answered but I had my nephew back with me and I only hoped that would be enough.
During my recovery time I watched Zuko train and showed him new battle sequences as well as a very unique technique that I had invented. During this time I almost drove him from myself again, but he returned soon after the end of the storm and seemed somehow calmer.
I
wanted to believe
As I watch your world
Crumble in your hands
I
wanted to believe
As you raised your glass
To your last stand
Soon after this Zuko and I decided it wasn't safe to stay still any longer, it was only a matter of time before Azula tracked us back down and then, with me out of commission, it would be a short battle. So we packed up our things and once again started out for places unknown.
When we arrived in Ba Sing Se Zuko was in the worst shape I'd ever seen him.
"I don't want to make a life here Uncle," the rest of the sentence hung between us in the silence of our voices and the steady thump of activity that surrounded us in the great walled Earth Kingdom city.
'I don't want to make a life anywhere.'
And
I wanted to believe
You would win
The war in your head
That
I did not understand
That I did not understand
"Life happens where ever you are Zuko, whether you wish to make it or not."
Zuko looked out at me from under the straw hat that was pulled down to help cover up the puckered pink skin around his left eye. His eyes seemed to search me for any form of betrayal and when he was satisfied that he could find none he smiled ever so slightly. For the first time, since Azula's betrayal, I could see hope glittering behind Zuko's golden eyes. I smiled.
Even though at first Zuko didn't like the Impenetrable City; Ba Sing Se seemed to agree with Zuko. His obsession with the Avatar seemed to wane and his temper started to diminish into something not nearly so consuming. I was also very pleased when he managed to catch the eye of the lovely young Earth Kingdom girl, Jin. In all honesty though, I wasn't surprised when he returned home that night and claimed that she was not for him. Jin, while nice, didn't hold enough fire to keep Zuko entertained and in his place for long.
"Uncle I think I'm going to go shopping today… I'm in need of a new robe..." Zuko wrinkled his nose as he admitted this to himself and I couldn't help but chuckle, Zuko seemed to be making progress in becoming more then a shell of a human and becoming happier with himself as well, especially after his metamorphosis.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea Prince Zuko, I only wish that I could accompany you, but as it is," I wheezed and let out a barking cough, "I am feeling a bit under the weather and think that I am going to have a hot cup of tea and go back to bed."
Zuko nodded and smiled at me, "That sounds good Uncle; I hope that you feel better."
"Thank you Zuko." I smiled at my nephew, "Have a good time."
"Yes Uncle," he bowed respectively toward me.
Shortly after Zuko left I finished my tea and lay down in bed falling into a peaceful slumber.
When I awoke it was much later, well past noon and I groaned at the prospect of getting out of the comfortable bed that I had missed during mine and Zuko's travels. I heard the sound of something falling in the main room and decided that I should see what had happened.
I entered the main room of our humble apartment and stopped dead. Zuko was standing in the main room between me and the front door.
Zuko stood trembling in front of me, his bare chest revealed his nervousness and fear with the sweat that trailed down his body. Tears rolled down from his good eye, and for the first time since he was burned I realized that Zuko could not cry…his father had burnt out his left tear duct, and that seemed to make this just that more frightening. His broadsword's edge was pressed into his skin biting and pinching the sensitive skin of his neck.
I think I may have heard part of my own mind snap as I saw the pain my nephew was in. How had this happened? How had we gotten to this point? Could I have stopped it? Why didn't I make the pain stop for him? Why didn't I help him? WHY?
And
the questions pour out
And the questions pour out
I did not
understand
I did not understand
I did not understand
I did
not understand
"I've blown our cover Uncle. The Avatar's water bending girl, Katara, saw me. She is going to arrest us, and kill us."
I could hear the sound of many thumping of feet on the stairs below us and looked at Zuko. "It's okay Zuko, we'll be fine," I took a step toward him. I had been wrong, Zuko hadn't been getting better, he had just gotten better at hiding it from me, and now this one last event was ready to push him off the cliff he had been walking along for many months.
The sound of you falling
"NO!" Zuko screamed, and pressed the sword to his throat harder causing a small trail of blood to leak down the side of his throat and over his collar bone. "I won't see you locked away because of me, and it's too late to run now."
"Please Zuko, we will find a way out of this!" I begged and tried to move closer to him once again.
Zuko looked at me with sorrow filled eyes. "Goodbye Uncle. Thank you." With that Zuko swiftly brought the sword across his neck slicing clean through his major arteries. Blood bubbled from the wound for less then a second before Zuko's body folded in upon itself and oozed down to the floor with a sickening thump.
I did not understand
"ZUKO!" I screamed and rushed to his side. I pulled the sword from his loose fingertips and pulled his body into my lap. Blood still pumped out of the wound, the heart trying extra hard to get blood to the starving brain before giving up as the signal to pump slowly faded into oblivion.
As the trembling heart of a dying man
The footsteps grew louder and I didn't look up when I heard a single pair stop in the door frame and the owner inhale sharply.
I heard the rest of the guard storm in but didn't look up.
I heard a voice speak and it took me a moment to realize I knew the owner of that voice and looked up to see Katara talking to the guards.
She sounded terrible, like she had been the one to loose a nephew, no a son, to his own hand right in front of her eyes.
"I walked right into his trap." She told the guard shakily while glancing back between Zuko, myself and the guard, "This man," she pointed to me, "Saved my life."
The guard nodded his acceptance of this lie and signaled the rest of the guard to remove the body from the room. I was only vaguely aware of a guard guiding me away to Katara's side who then took me out into the hall.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't know, I didn't mean…I'm sorry." She patted my shoulder and ran.
I returned to my apartment, still bloody with the life source of my only family. I let of a mournful wail and didn't stop.
Did not understand
When Azula finally tracked me down, I didn't fight.
The sound, of your trembling heart
A/N: Wow, long time no write and my god did this turn out longer then I expected it to! Anyways this is my first fanfic in this section and I am aware that it probably really sucks but something about this song just screamed Zuko at me and so I just wrote. Now I'm sure that most of you noticed the huge time gap in the story from where Azula burnt Iroh to when they entered Ba Sing Se but those parts of the story just didn't seem to fit into the mood of the story I was trying to create with Zuko. As most of those parts seemed to center more around Iroh or Zuko alone and not together and it's kind of hard to tell something through Iroh's point of view when they are separated so it just sort of came about that they ended up in Ba Sing Se a bit faster.