Princesses On Parade
Characters: Snow White (1937), Cinderella (1950), Aurora (1959), Ariel (1989), Belle (1991), Jasmine (1992)
Scene: A comfy, old-world like parlor. There are a few over-decorated benches with wardrobe racks full of poofy dresses.
Narrator: Welcome all to the back halls of where Disney classics are created. The masters of magic have decided to name one of their many famously adored heroines Miss Disney Princess, the ideal princess for all to follow. Picture perfect ladies under the poised crown have been roll models for young girls in their timeless tales for as long as we all can remember. Now, they all meet again to try and earn the title of Miss Disney Princess—the most beautiful princess of all.
[enter Cinderella]
Cinderella: Well, is not this just cozy! Oh, I hope I am not late! This letter says auditions begin at three…where is everyone?
[enter Snow]
Snow: Oh, I do hope I have not lost myself again…
Cinder: Snow! Is that you?
Snow: Cinderella! How are you?
Cinder: Oh, it has been too long. Things at the castle are wonderful!
Snow: Yes, all seven of the dwarves came to visit yesterday; it was most splendid to have everyone together again. I do believe that—
[Aurora enters]
Aurora: Hello? Hello, is anyone here?
Snow: Aurora!
Cinder: I have not seen you since the convention! Have you let your hair grown?
Aurora: Well…no…it is quite the same as it has always been.
Snow: I adore your dress. Did your fairy godmother cook that up for you?
Cinder: Silly Snow White, fairy godmothers are not seamstresses and cooks!
Aurora: Actually, Cinderella, dear, this one was created by my three little angels.
Cinderella: [not as sweet] Your 'three little angels'? I haven't seen my fairy godmother since she left me at that ball with nothing but a mismatched shoe and a spoiled pumpkin!
Snow White: Cinderella-Sweet! Do not dwell on things you do not have, but things you have now!
Cinderella: [smiling again] Of course; I have a beautiful castle, a handsome husband, and of course, I am a princess!
[singing offstage: Ariel]
Aurora: Do you hear something?
Snow White: Have auditions already started?
[Ariel enters]
Ariel: [sings a line, stops, clears her throat, and sings another line] No, that's not right either.
Snow White: Oh…don't tell me…I know who she is…
Cinderella: I have not the slightest idea!
Ariel: Oh, hello! I hope I am not mistaken…is this the Miss Princess auditions?
Snow White: Yes, why it is. [realizing] Oh, Ariel! Of course! How are you!
Ariel: [shyly] Hi, Snow White, Aurora, Cinderella. It's a pleasure to see you.
Aurora: Oh, the pleasure's all mine. We missed you at the convention, dear, all the princesses were there.
Ariel: I was sorry I couldn't attend…how's Prince Charming.
Cinder/Snow/Aurora: Fine!
[They stop, look at each other, slightly angered]
Aurora: How are you and…erm…the prince doing?
Ariel: Well, with Melody growing up and what not…
Cinder: I'm sorry, Melody?
Ariel: My daughter; she's growing like a weed.
Aurora: [to Snow] A seaweed
Cinder: You…have a daughter…?
Ariel: [surprised] Yes; didn't you all get the baby pictures?
Aurora: Why, that's fantastic! Congratulations!
Cinder: I don't even get a lame wedding present from my so-called fairy godmother, and she gets her own daughter?
Ariel: Thank you, Aurora.
Cinder: It took me fifty years to get my own parking space and she gets her own daughter…
[Belle and Jasmine enter. Jasmine pulls out a mirror to check her outrageous hair while Belle takes a seat and reads a book. Ariel sits next to Jasmine. Jasmine is obnoxiously chewing gum.]
Jasmine: [to Ariel] Be honest—does this look alright?
Ariel: [nods meekly and smiles] Just fine. [waits] Are you trying out, too?
Jasmine: [nods and cracks gum] Yeah, I guess so. Things are a bit drab at the palace and I could use the travel.
Aurora: Excuse me, are you the one with the flying carpet?
Jasmine: That lazy thing? Honey, it only flies when I pull out the broom.
Cinder: [to Snow] What is she wearing? I…I can see her stomach!
Ariel: What are you going to do for the audition?
All but Belle: Sing.
Jasmine: [looks over to Belle] Hey, hey you—what's in that book that's so darn interesting?
Belle: [looks up] Hmm? Oh, it's my favorite.
Ariel: Favorite what?
Belle: My favorite story, I love reading it.
Cinder: And what is your name, dear?
Belle: Belle. [replies happily but continuously goes back to reading]
Snow: Belle…what?
Belle: There's no what, just Belle. It's French.
Jasmine: [chuckles] I'm sorry, sweetie.
Aurora: Are you a princess?
Belle: [nods slowly] I married the Beast…the prince…
Cinder: What Beast?
Snow: I don't remember a Beast being prince of anything!
Ariel: You're talking about the lion, right?
Belle: [dumbfound] No, I'm talking about the Beast! Didn't you see the movie? [no reply] It's been nominated four times for an Academy Award…it won twice… [no reply]
Aurora: Are you sure he was the Prince of Beasts?
Belle: [shouting] Two Grammies! How could you miss the movie? It's a Disney classic!
Jasmine: Don't worry about it, sugar, some of the best aren't the most popular.
Belle: Aren't the most popular? I happen to be on Broadway, DVD, and a Christmas special. Every little girl in America wants to be me! I'm smart, independent, caring, I just don't go for the guy on the white horse! I have an amazing voice…
Ariel: Amazing? Try singing underwater, and matching pitch with fish; heck, try singing with no voice at all!
Cinder: [to Aurora and Snow] The later these movies get, the more unorthodox, I tell you, back when princes were princes, not these silly animal characters…
Ariel: [suddenly loud] Oh shut up! You old birds don't know what you're talking about. You're as old as sliced bread and you can't take it that Disney has simply moved on from dragons and witches.
Aurora: Pardon me! Where exactly is your crown, miss?
Ariel: I'm more than a princess, I'm a mother and a spokesperson for a mythological breed. I don't need to be flaunting around my tiara as if it's all I live for.
Jasmine: You tell her, sista.
Snow: Which tiara would that be, the one for people or the one for overgrown fish?
Ariel: At least my husband has a real name.
Jasmine: Ain't that the truth. You keep talkin' girl, 'cause I like what I'm hearing.
Belle: Pardon the interruption, but are auditions going to start soon, or did I come to hear you all bicker.
Aurora: What exactly are you going to audition for, Miss Beast, the milkmaid?
Belle: I like this dress, and unlike you, I made it with my own hands.
Aurora: I'm going to tell you right now there's only room for one Beauty in this Classics Collection!
Cinder: Lay off the dress; we all weren't born with golden spoons in our mouths. From what I hear, it seems like everyone in the whole darn fairty tale book has had it better than me. I grow up with three horrible sisters and a mother who hates me. I have three nasty mice for friends! I only get a few hours at a ball where I only meet one, count it, one guy, and then I'm left there in rags to try and pull it all together with out getting my back whipped. As for my fairy godmother, I don't hear a word from her until she wants to be in the next flick!
Snow: I will agree to that.
Aurora: Whoa! Who was born a princess? Was it…oh yeah, Snow White!
Snow: Hey, I might have been a princess, but I worked like a horse. I surely didn't spend my afternoons singing with birds and dancing with mysterious horsemen. I scrubbed stoops and washed clothes like any other hard-working girl! Sure didn't have time to poke around in caves stealing other peoples junk!
Ariel: How would you like a Nose Red, you dwarf-ette! Hard work is raising a half-human, half-mermaid through diapers and puberty!
Jasmine: Talk about hard living! You wouldn't believe what sand does to the cuticles…it's outrageous.
Belle: Hey, why don't you go put some clothes on? You look as skanky as your homeless boyfriend.
Jasmine: We got married in the second sequel!
Cinder: But will you make it to the third!
[All break out into arguing and beginning to pull at each others' hair and clothes.]
Narrator: So all have met most difficultly. When things are explored beyond the fairy tale, it is easy to see that life is not as it may seem at 'Happily Ever After'. Between our old favorites and new fantasies, we must come to realize that fairy tales will just be fairy tales, meant to simply stop at… THE END.