A/N: Twin1: Sasuke's short. Naruto's speechless. Kakashi's off limits. Minato's hot. It's a funny old world, isn't it?
---
Bad Timing
Twin2 opened the door to the bedroom she shared with her sister, Twin1, and said without preamble, "Bed time. Test tomorrow. No more sugar."
Twin1 didn't reply, or even look up. This in itself was so unusual that Twin2 blinked.
A closer examination revealed that Twin1 was listening to her iPod, mouthing the words to the song blasting away her hearing and eating a bag of mixed sweets, squirming on her bed in a kind of happy, dilapidated dance. Twin2, after rolling her eyes and grumbling to herself, leaned over and yanked one headphone free of her sister's ear, and when she whipped around to complain, used her distraction to confiscate the lollies. "Now that I have your attention," she drawled, "bedtime. No. More. Sweets."
Twin1's dismay was comical.
"What?!" she wailed, distraught, "No fair! Gimmie that back! Twin2, come on! I'll tell Mu-um!"
"Oh. Mum. Your ultimate threat. I'm shivering." The strength of Twin2's sarcasm made the plant growing on the desk wilt a little. Twin1 pouted.
"You're not nice," she announced as her sister took her iPod and switched it off before pulling back the blanket of the bed and pushing her down into it, covering her with the blanket and tucking her in matter-of-factly.
"I have a test tomorrow!" Twin2 groused. "Just because you don't care if I pass Physics or not doesn't mean I don't. Now, stop squirming!" She pressed her sister back down onto the mattress when Twin1 made a bid for freedom. "Do I need to get the stapler?"
Twin1 pouted more, but stopped her frantic wriggling. "Fine," she grumbled. "But I won't get to sleep! I'll just lie here all awake and think real hard about how mean you are!"
"Good night." Twin2 slid into her own bed across the room and flicked the lights off, shooting her father an evil glare when he poked his head into the room to check what the commotion had been about.
"G'night, Twi…"
And the idiot was asleep. So much for 'I'm not tired I won't go to sleep you can't make me'. Sighing over the idiocy she was forced to live with every day, Twin2 snuggled into her blankets, mouthing 'pressure is force over area' and 'dee-one-ay-one equals dee-two-ay-two'. Two meters away, Twin1 cooed softly in her sleep – no doubt dreaming – and Twin2 glanced over to see her curl herself around a Pakkun plushie – a relic from her favourite anime. The poor animal looked rather horrified as Twin1 buried her face in its belly and promptly squashed it under her weight.
Twin2 grinned in the dark. She was annoying and a ditz, but Twin2 loved her sister. She was a welcome change from a world that took itself too seriously.
Plus, Twin2 was just as imperfect as her sister, and Twin1 certainly put up with Twin2's grouchiness…
…If she was even bright enough to recognize it…
Shaking her head at the strangely endearing thought, Twin2 shut her mind down for sleep.
Force over area, she reminded herself, and fell asleep.
There was a whisper, then a click, then a cold draught, then a thump, and Twin2 realised she was standing up. She opened her eyes to see she was standing in the middle of a grassy green field, obviously some kind of training arena or sports oval. The sun was shining happily. The birds were singing. The trees' branches waved cheerfully in the gentle, warm breeze.
Twin2 sighed. "Ah, damn. I am so flunking that test," she grumbled. The she took a deep breath. "TWIN1!!"
"Yehlow?"
Twin2 turned to see her sister half-sitting up from where she had obviously just been lying flat on her back staring at the clouds. The other twin's expression was confused.
"You? What are you doing here, sis? You don't usually turn up in my dreams. Well, unless my dreams are nightmares I hope this doesn't turn into a nightmare if you turn this into a nightmare I'll never forgive you!!"
Twin2 sighed again, heavier. "Well, you're real. In my dreams you normally make a lot more sense…"
She trailed off, because that was the exact moment she saw them.
Standing a little way off to the right, two of the shorter ones – blonde and… pinkette? – hiding behind the tall one, the only adult, while the dark-haired kid stood closer – though no less apprehensive than his age-mates.
Though the lot of them were pale and staring at the twins with dumb looks on their faces, Twin2 didn't need the theme song Twin1 started humming dreamily to place them.
She took a moment to cuss. Her chances of passing that test were shrinking by the second.
The sheer impossibility of the situation crashed over her and she looked down into the twelve-ish year old eyes of Uchiha Sasuke and said the first thing her brain supplied.
"You're short."
There was a pause.
"We are fighting dreamers," sang Twin1 in the background. "Something, something, something, something, fighting dreamers, more Japanese goes here, fighting dreamers-"
"Twin1, shut up." Twin2's eyes snapped between the Sasuke before her (hey, for a kid he really was kinda cute…) and his teammates – or, more notably, his ex-ANBU assassination expert teacher.
"What'd you say to me?" Sasuke said dangerously. He was a rude little bugger, Twin2 remembered from the anime her sister played at deafening volume frequently.
"I said you were short," she replied casually, deliberately turning away from him, as if he wasn't worth her time. "A shrimp. Scrawny. Undersized. Puny, small, stunted. Little. Petite. Vertically challenged. Or, in layman's terms," here she turned and pinned him squarely with her gaze. "A brat."
When it came to kids – and Sasuke was only the age of a seventh-grader, the worst of all high school-goers – Twin2 knew it was better to assert dominance immediately. Before they got all snooty. Or grew.
She glanced at her sister to see how the other girl was holding up. Twin1 looked to be fitting silently, twitching and shaking, staring wide-eyed at the silver-haired man who had yet to say anything and was looking rather resigned as he stood between two cowering children and the weirdoes.
"Uh… can we help you? Miss?" he addressed Twin1, who happened to be the closer of the two. Instead of answering, Twin1 gave a strangled sort of squeak and began to convulse, odd noises escaping her.
"Is she… okay?" the girl – Sakura, right? – said nervously. Kakashi looked concerned, and the blonde – Naruto, okay, this was really weird… – took a step forwards and said, "She looks like she's real scared of you, Sensei. Like that chuunin from Iwa last mission, remember?"
"Oh, it's not fear," Twin2 said dryly. Inwardly, Kakashi had to agree. It looked disturbingly like a debilitating amount of hero-worship, more than fright.
Deciding not to dwell too much on that scary thought, the jounin turned to the apparently lucid one of the identical pair.
"Are you lost? This training field isn't normally open to civilians…" he said gently. He knew civilian women tended to cry rather easily, and he hated being the one to cause it to start. People always glared at him when he did. Anyway, the point was he was always careful whatever he said.
"You could say that. Actually, we're fucked. Well, I am, anyway," Twin2 said dourly. "I'm so screwed for that test tomorrow. Stupid complex difficult…"
"In my last test, I got one question asking my opinion of a source they gave us to read. It was kinda boring," Twin1 offered.
There was a pause, before Twin2 began hitting herself repeatedly on the forehead. "Why? Why didn't I do her subject? Why did I choose Advanced-bloody-Physics rather than nice, easy bloody Ancient History!?"
"I warned ya," Twin1 said promptly. Twin2 shot her the darkest glare Kakashi had ever seen on a civilian, along with a respectable amount of killer intent (for a civilian, who shouldn't be able to produce any). Twin1 backed away. "Eep. Sorry, I'm sorry!"
"Advanced Physics?" Kakashi repeated, vaguely interested. "What topic are you studying?"
Twin2 scowled, although the killer intent had (mostly) died away. "We're only doing pressure this term – Archimedes' Principle and so on – and buoyancy. Damn, I never thought it could be possible to actually hate a word… 'flotation'… what the hell is with that, anyway?! Stupid subject…"
"Really? What are you having trouble with?"
"Well, mostly flotation – pressure's pretty easy, even the stuff that's oil-based or water-based, because I can calculate their compression factors – but working out the exact specific gravity of a particular substance in an oil that has a particle-per-metre count of half as much as balsa and a molecular weight equal to a hydrocarbonate hydrate, that's beyond me," Twin2 complained, as if she was discussing a simple multiplication question instead of a high-level physics theory. "There's just too many damn variables, and too much chemistry. WHY won't the periodic table stay in chemistry, where it belongs?!"
"Oh. Yes, I see your problem. Ten… uh, a friend of mine had the same problem when we were learning it, back when I was about your age," Kakashi responded easily to the girl in her late teens. "What you need to think about is – specific gravity equals…"
"Yeah, this is going straight over my head," Twin1 announced to the kids, seeming to recover as her idol helpfully reminded her of his overwhelming and offputting smartness. "So. Tell me what it's like being you," she said, hunkering down on the grass and hugging her knees, the other three joining her hesitantly.
"Um… fairly normal…" Sakura said haltingly. Twin1 grinned.
"Oh, I doubt that," she chortled. "Naw, where I come from, you're all, like, legends."
"We're legends?!" Naruto shot to his feet and pumped his fists in the air: Twin1 watched interestedly. "AWESOME!! I ROCK!! Just wait, you're looking at the next Hokage!"
"I believe in you!" Twin1 said enthusiastically. Naruto wobbled.
"Wait – you do?" he said hesitantly. Twin1 nodded, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Che. You do?" Sasuke sneered. Again, Twin1 nodded, totally missing (or maybe just not minding) the derision in his tone. "Where do you come from, anyway?" he demanded, miffed.
Twin1 considered. "Australia," she said eventually.
"Where's Australia?" Sakura asked, interested. Twin1 shrugged again.
"Dunno."
"What direction?" Sakura tried. Twin1 shrugged a third time and made a helplessly lost noise.
"See, this is why you failed geography," Twin2 put in from where she was conversing with Kakashi. The other twin lurched violently.
"How do you do that?!" Twin1 screeched. Twin2 smiled.
"I'm omniscient," she said simply. Twin1's face flickered, and she backed down uncertainly. Twin2 turned back to Kakashi.
"She doesn't know what that word means," she said smugly. "Go on."
"Well, that's the gist of it," Kakashi said. "Did that make sense?"
"Oh, yes," Twin2 said lightly. "I didn't know you were good at physics. Hmm. I might actually watch that show now…"
"Sensei," Sasuke broke in, "You are supposed to be training us, not flirting with some idiot civilian girl who can't do her homework."
"Excuse me, you little brat," Twin2 spat back, all venom. "Your tiny brain cannot possibly comprehend how difficult physics is, and I am incredibly grateful for your teacher's help!" She paused, then said, "Hey, wait 'till I tell Sami about this!"
"Yeah!" Twin1 piped up. "Hah! She'll kill you when she hears that you got physics tutoring from the great Kakashi-senpai!"
"Great?" Sasuke repeated.
"Tutoring?" Kakashi echoed.
"Senpai?!" Twin2 spat.
"Yes, senpai," Twin1 said stubbornly. Twin2 sighed.
"Fine. I guess 'senpai' I'll allow. But 'great' has got to go."
"Deal," Twin1 said sunnily, and they shook on it. "Now, I think we should discuss how we came to be here. Me, I think this is a dream, in which case, it's bloody brilliant!"
"I think this is reality, because it being a dream is both cliché and way too simple for 'Naruto'," Twin2 growled and glared at the heavens.
"What do I have to do with-" Naruto began, but was cut off.
"Small children should not speak unless spoken to. Seeing as how that will be impossible for people like you and my sister, small children should not bother older people if they do not understand something said older people are discussing if that topic has nothing to do with them."
"Ooh, harsh, Twin2. Go for your life, sweetie," Twin1 said to Naruto. Then, after a moment, "No, on second thoughts, you stay quiet. You're really loud and I don't control volume when I'm not watching TV. Um, Twin2, if this is a dream, maybe this can all be solved by just waking up?"
"Maybe," Twin2 said neutrally.
…
"Damn. Didn't work," she grumbled. "If this is reality, I'm totally going to flunk that test."
"If this is reality, you won't have to do the test anyway," Twin1 said absently. There was a pause.
"Touché," Twin2 conceded. "I think we need help." It was obviously a hard sentence for her to get out.
"We have help. Right ther – woah…" Twin1's eyes had recovered their dazed, star-struck look as she gazed at Kakashi, who shifted under the scrutiny. Twin2 groaned and slapped her hand to her forehead.
"Aw, crap. Here we go again. Hey, fangirl! Yes, you! Snap out of it, will you?" She tugged sharply on Twin1's hair, and the girl jumped.
"I'm not a fangirl!" she retorted, outraged. Twin2 raised a single eyebrow.
"Really?" she said slowly. Then her manner changed as she began an impression of Twin1 made all the more realistic by their identical features. "Oh-em-eff-gee!! Kaka-kun and Naru-chan are so kawaii! Ah! Squee! Soo cute!! I want to huggles them!"
She dropped the act and looked pointedly at Twin1, who blushed soundly.
"Yeah, well… shut up!" she said. "You're a fangirl too!"
"I am a female fan of certain individuals," Twin2 said composedly. "Not a fangirl. There is a difference the size of several planets."
"Okay, seriously, who the hell are you guys?" Sakura demanded.
"That is Twin1. I am Twin2. No originality, our parents," Twin2 said seriously.
"You seem kind of… you know… crazy," Naruto said, awed to an acceptable volume.
"We have the insanity level of Maito Gai and his little clone," Twin1 said brightly. "But the awesomeness level of Obito! We loves Obito! He was the most awesome of all awesome people who ever dared be awesome! Awesome!"
"Yes, he was," Twin2 said seriously. "Now, enough awesomeness. Do not say it again within twenty-four hours."
Twin1 looked disappointed, as if a favourite toy had been taken away from her. "But what if I talk about Obito again?" she asked. Twin2 considered.
"You may refer to him as awesome," she agreed. Twin1 cheered.
"Yay! Because he was awesome! We are so sad he died!"
Both twins nodded sadly, and Twin2 patted her sister's shoulder, afraid Twin1 might start to cry.
Then, just like that, the sadness evaporated. "But 'Bito did show us the way to liking Kakashi!" Twin1 pointed out happily. Twin2 nodded.
"You two knew Obito?" Kakashi asked in a low voice. The identical nutjobs blinked up at him – they had obviously forgotten he was there.
"Yeah. Could say that," Twin2 said lightly. Then her gaze sharpened. "Man, look at your hair! Are you telling me that Konoha's super-genius best-ninja-there-is super-bad-ass always-gets-the-job-done Hatake 'Copycat' Kakashi can't master the use of a comb? Konoha is doomed."
Kakashi was beginning to grow a little concerned. There was eccentric, and there was ridiculous. These two were approaching barking mad.
"Speaking of combs…" Twin2 continued, glaring, her fingers tapping out a staccato beat on her elbow. Abruptly, she pointed at Sasuke. "Hold him down, I'm gonna comb that mess."
"What's wrong with my hair?" Sasuke demanded, affronted, while Sakura yelled an order to leave her crush's hair alone that was summarily ignored.
Answering Sasuke's question, Twin1 informed him, "Listen, it looks like you just got out of bed."
"Have you ever seen your hair from the back?" Twin2 snapped. "You look like a goddamn parrot."
"Parrot? I'd have to say duckbutt," Twin1 said, sounding surprised.
"I was trying to be nice."
"You were? Seriously? Wow."
"He is only twelve," Twin2 pointed out, turning back to her sister and seeming to abandon the idea of combing Sasuke's hair, at least temporarily.
"He's a ninja!"
Twin2 rolled her eyes. "Rolls eyes."
"Did you just say 'rolls eyes'?!" Naruto demanded, stifling laughter and doing very poorly at it.
"My sister occasionally needs me to narrate my more subtle body language, as she is too DENSE to notice it. Oh God." Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Twin2 looked utterly horrified. Her expression couldn't have been more horrified if a puppy had just been run over in front of her.
"Weh?" Twin1 asked, looking around for a stick to poke her sister with.
"Do you realise what this is?"
Twin1 shrugged.
"This is a self-insert!"
"And?" Twin1 shrugged again, unconcerned.
"All self-inserts have romance! Aaargh!" Twin2 covered her head with her hands and dropped into the grass of the training field, trembling and muttering to herself. Then, with a sharp glance up, "If you fall in love with anybody, Twin1, I will lynch you."
For some reason finding this idea amusing, Twin1 snorted. "As if! There's no one here I'd ever date!"
Twin2 wordlessly pointed at Kakashi, who was looking increasingly weirded out.
"Twin2, he's twenty six. He's old enough to be my… okay, not my dad, maybe my cousin or something, but, seriously! I would never get involved with someone who had that much emotional baggage! Nuh-uh, no way, not for all the Skittles in the world." The teenage girl waved a hand at the genin. "And these guys are all twelve. Nope, way wrong. Many things I may be, but a paedophile I am not. There's no one around here my age."
"What about Kankuro?" Twin2 asked, picking herself up from the grass and dusting herself off. "He's only a year younger than us."
"…Y'mean…" Twin1 shuddered suddenly. "The creepy puppet guy?"
"That's the one."
"Ew! Hell no! And then there's the fact that this is KONOHA. He lives in Suna. God, Twin2, and you scold me about geography."
Ignoring the jab, the other girl turned back to the ninja team. "What date is it?"
"June twenty third," Kakashi replied.
"There, you see? It's nearly time for the chuunin exams, so he'll probably turn up then," Twin2 said smugly.
"…I hate you. I am not dating Kankuro. Not least because of his psychotic younger brother!"
"Hey, I like Gaara!"
"So do I," Twin1 agreed. "From a distance. A long distance. Where he cannot reach me and crush me to death with his sand."
"Okay, fair point. What about Itachi? He's exactly the right age!"
Twin1 looked shocked, eyeing Sasuke. "When he's got that for a little brother?! Man, what is with the characters here for having intolerable siblings…"
"But then if you married him you'd be related to Obito," Twin2 pointed out.
"…Okay, that's really tempting," Twin1 admitted, "but why would I want to date or marry someone who went crazy and murdered his entire family,including his girlfriend? I may be an adrenaline junkie, but that's a little too much risk for my daily life, thankyou. Besides, he's an Uchiha, and Uchiha only date interfamily."
"But then, how is Sasuke going to replenish his clan?" Twin2 asked blankly, waving a hand at the boy.
Twin1 grinned. "Sasuke is asexual. One day he is simply going to split in two and then go about his emo business. Hey, but if this is a self-insert, then what about all that other crap that happens? Y'know, when we get super-special-awesome powers and go out and kill a buncha bad guys and save Itachi?"
Twin2 snorted, almost choking with the force of it. "Yeah, me against Orochimaru? He'd laugh himself to death!"
Tapping her chin thoughtfully, Twin1 grinned. "Now there's an idea…"
"We are not going to try it!" Twin2 barked.
"Aw, but what if it works? I mean, you remember the dimension-jumping thing, right? There's no telling what could happen! This could be so cool!"
"How much time do you spend on ?"
"Well, I spend six hours at school, about ten hours sleeping, maybe two hours travelling, and all other time is spent on , soo… about six hours a day? Maybe five and a half, factoring in time taken to prepare food?"
…
"…You need help. Lots of it."
"What do you know about Itachi?" the grey-haired adult intervened, eyes narrowed.
"Oh, we know everything," Twin1 said enthusiastically. "We know all about how he randomly went psycho one day and killed his entire family, and he tortured you for no discernible reason," she indicated Sasuke, "and we know that he organised the so-called suicide of Uchiha Shisui, and –"
The gossiping was paused by Twin2 interjecting a growled, "Twin1, shut up."
All she got was a stuck out tongue, but Twin1 did seem to condense what she'd been planning to say. "And we know all about how he ran away and joined an organisation that's planning to end the world by torturing various children to death… wait, that's kind of a weird way to do it, isn't it?"
"Better than playing a children's card game," Twin2 grumbled.
"That is true. 'Naruto' intrinsically makes more sense than 'Yu-Gi-Oh'. But not much."
"Hey, at least some of the rules of physics aren't broken to smithereens here," Twin2 pointed out lazily.
"Twin2," Twin1 said slowly, her voice rapidly rising in volume, "we have paper exploding and things sealed inside other things and SUMMONING giant orange TALKING frogs from other dimensions!"
"Trading cards ending the world!"
"…Touché."
"And anyway, even if the 'matter' laws are totally smooshed, the energy laws still hang around. Somewhat. Chakra pills and blah. And gravity. Heh heh. Good ol' gravity…" Twin2 was grinning demonically, making the genin wince. They had been struggling to follow the conversation, and Twin2's vicious facial expression only made them more nervous.
"Your sister's kind of scary…" Naruto hissed to Twin1, edging closer as if hoping she was a safe zone.
"She and Sasuke act kind of the same," Twin1 explained. "See, Sasuke acts all mean and stuff, but although he's a bastard on the outside, he really has a creamy centre, just like everybody! Everybody has a creamy centre, though sometimes they hide it reeeally well!"
"Twin1! People are not chocolates!" Twin2 barked, sounding shockingly furious for something relatively harmless. It sounded like a previous argument. "Mostly, they're just bastards with a bastardly bastard coating and a hard bastard centre! But you know what I hate more than bastards? Naïve, bubble-headed morons who walk around vomiting sunshine!" It was obvious exactly who she was referring to. Said naïve bubble-headed moron appeared unconcerned.
In fact, Twin1 grinned and leant towards Naruto, pointing directly at Twin2. "Creamy centre," she stage-whispered. Twin2's fists were clenched so tightly her knuckles were snow-white.
"I'm so angry I'm going to kill something just to prove her wrong," she gritted out. Kakashi dropped a hand on her shoulder.
"Calm down."
Twin2 took a deep breath and managed to release most of her irritation. Twin1 and Naruto were now staring contemplatively at a glaring Sasuke.
"You see, I know how cute he was, and someone that adorable just can't be bastard all the way through," Twin1 was explaining. "There has to be some kawaii left in him…"
Twin2 gritted her teeth again.
Suddenly, Twin1 stopped mid-giggle and sucked in a sharp breath. A moment later, Twin2 realised the cause of this reaction and echoed it. Both twins took a step back, flocking together as a red sort of energy began to shroud Naruto.
"If that's who I think it is, I'm walking out of this fanfic," Twin2 threatened. Naruto's eyes flickered shut, his hair whipping dramatically in some kind of nonexistent wind. Sasuke grabbed Sakura and hauled her away, pulling her behind him – he may not know what was going on, but he was smart enough to know that glowy red lights plus Naruto suddenly unresponsive plus freaked out Kakashi-sensei equalled a good time to retreat.
Then Naruto's eyes opened again, but they were not the baby blue genetics had graced him with. No, instead they were boiling red. His other features had become more feral, his whisker-marks more pronounced and almost three-dimensional, and he now had fangs. Twin1 looked on in envy.
"Wow," she stage-whispered. "Add a monkey tail, and that's exactly what I want to look like!"
"Ah, shit," sighed Twin2, "It is him. Kyuubi. Well, that settles it. We are now defying logic in all shapes and forms, even the illogical fabricated logic of the original author. Seriously, how the fuck are you even on the surface, oh great fuzzball? You can talk, right?"
'Naruto' snarled. "Of course I can speak, insignificant gnat!" he growled. Twin1 smiled.
"Great! That puts you ahead of most other foxes! And teenagers…"
"Don't patronise me, puny mortals," 'Naruto' snarled. "I am the Kyuubi no Kitsune, king of the demons and-"
"Blah, blah, blah. Yes, we got that. Why are you out? No, more importantly, how did you get out? That makes no rational sense whatsoever."
Kyuubi scoffed. "How I am here is not truly your concern. I've pushed Naruto's consciousness aside because I know how you came to be here, and how you may return home."
"Impossible! All of it!" Twin2 exploded. "Kishimoto specifically stated that-"
"Silence, mortal filth!" roared Kyuubi. "Be still and listen! You have a series of tasks you must first complete before you may return to your pathetic plane of existence."
Twin1 shot her sister a pleading look, and Twin2 sighed before crumbling. "Fine," she groused. "Hit us with your best shot."
Kyuubi grinned, the action sly and disconcerting. "You can only return home if you find a way to rescue the first-through-fourth Hokage from the Shinigami and resurrect at least the blonde one – Namikaze Minato-"
Here he was cut off (predictably) by ADD Twin1. "Now him I would date! He's hot, man!!" she declared. Twin2 looked at her incredulously.
"Twin1, he's Naruto's father," she pointed out. "He raised Kakashi. If Kakashi is too old for you, Minato-"
"-Died when he was twenty-two-ish, not too old at all, and did I mention he is hot?" Twin1 asked. She turned to Kakashi and added, "No offence Kashi: you're hot too, but I just love the blondes."
"But still," Twin2 tried to argue, "In a practical sense, how is twenty-two better than twenty-six?"
Twin1 gave an exaggerated sigh and rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. Why did I have to get such a boy for a twin sister? Haven't you ever heard of the age rule?"
Dead silence. Twin1 turned to the genin for support.
"Sakura! Help me explain to my dense sister what the age rule for dating is."
Predictably, the fangirl knew exactly what the older girl was talking about, and instantly launched into a lecture. "Oh, that! Yes, it's a general rule for the acceptable age to date. Half your age, plus seven."
"What?" came at the girl from every male and Twin2 at once. Twin1 grinned.
"Jinx. It's the rule – half age, plus seven for younger; minus seven, double age for older. So, look, I'm seventeen, right? Round it up to eighteen – the next even number – and halve it, you get nine. Plus seven – the youngest person I can date is a sixteen year old. The oldest person I can date is my age minus seven – eleven – times two – twenty-two. See? Minato would be right on the upper cusp of date-ability, but Kakashi at twenty-six is off-limits."
"Urgh. I have a headache," Twin2 grumbled. Kyuubi coughed into his hand.
"Um, hello? Can we get back to this?" he asked irritably. Twin2 looked up at him.
"Huh? Oh, sure," she said lazily, waving for him to continue.
"You must also kill off the snake summoner Sannin and reconcile the Uchiha whelp with his littermate," Kyuubi reeled off. Twin2 rolled her eyes, but once again Twin1 beat her to speaking (not unusual).
"I am offended!" she declared. "Why isn't Obito a required save, if we're raising people from the dead?!"
"Or we could just, you know, stab ourselves in the eyes with forks… More entertaining, and much less a chance of screwing up the timeline royally, causing unforseen problems and probably, knowing this world, the apocalypse," Twin2 drawled dryly.
"No it wouldn't!" Kyuubi snorted derisively.
"Oh, come on," Twin2 appealed to the world in general. "Do you honestly think that everything will be all fine and dandy if Minato comes back to life and Sasuke and his brother huggles and make up? Puh-lease. And what the hell are you doing, Kyuubi? Totally ignoring the fact that you should know jack shit about this whole affair, why are you rooting for the return of the man who single-handedly destroyed your whole world, shortened your life by several thousand millennia and lowered your demon king ass to a miserable half-existence as a scary shadow in a child's head and an endless chakra bank for him to steal from?"
"…Because! Shut up!" Kyuubi scowled, "It's not like I really hate him. I mean, I understand why he did it and all, and I'm fond of his kid, so I'll forgive him that whole 'damn me for all time' thing. It was ages ago, after all," he finished, nodding philosophically.
…
"Fuck, now we're dabbling in OOC," Twin2 sighed. Kyuubi opened his mouth, but Twin2 just put up her hand, signalling for silence. "No. Just – don't. Leave, before you further emotionally scar me. I really want to go home and fail that test now…"
"Sensei, I'm beginning to think that these two have escaped from the psych ward in the hospital," grumbled Sasuke, still trying to pat his hair back into its pre-twin mess. Kakashi silently agreed, and made his way quietly to stand near Twin1.
She looked back and up at him, expression open and friendly. "Hello. Oh – where are we going?" Kakashi had taken her arm and was leading her to stand next to her twin. With a quick motion, he bonked the pair on the head, sending them quickly into unconsciousness, catching both their bodies before they hit the ground.
Twin2 had been vaguely expecting the swat, and sighed as she swam back to the waking world, headache waggling its stupid little tongue at her and slamming up against the inside of her head with a vengeance. After a moment of concentration, Twin2 managed to send her muse to grab the headache and drag it, kicking and screaming, out of her skull. When it was gone, she gave a little grunt of triumph.
A little way away, she heard Twin1 give a little moan, and opened her eyes to look to her sister.
They were back in their bedroom.
Well, that was weird, Twin2 commented internally, before turning to her muse. Fall? Was that your fault?
The muse gave her a wide-eyed, innocent look, so she banished the useless creature and settled deeper into her blankets.
On the other side of the room, Twin1 shot upwards on her bed, looking around wildly. "Wha? How did… whe? What the…?" Twin2 patiently waited, making certain her face was perfectly blank as did so. "Hey, Twin2? Did you… I just… we were… do you…?"
Twin2 allowed her eyes to slide open and fix her sister with a serious look. "Twin1. Go to sleep," she ordered sternly.
…
"NOW!"
"Meep!" Twin1 ducked down at her twin's bellow, cringing down on the bed and pulling the blankets up over her head.
"Yes'm, sorry'm!"
Twin2 snickered quietly, settling in to sleep and mentally swearing to whatever deity was screwing with them that if he or she tried anything else before the morning, somehow she'd make them regret it.
"Force over area," she whispered. And fell asleep.
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A/N: Don't worry, guys, we haven't been bitten by the dreadful self-insert bug. This was just crack.