Title: 22
Author: Freewrite
Summary: It's been 6 months since Emily escaped from Ian Doyle's Greenfield compound and she's stuck. She can't go back to the life she had before and she can't seem to move forward either. A follow up to 'The Heroine' story 4 "Sixteen".
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any recognisable characters. They all belong to CBS and I am making no money from this venture.
AN: Before going any further please go and read chapter 4 of 'The Heroine' chapter title 'Sixteen' as this is a direct follow up... done, good… I've been playing with this for a while now but never actually sat down to write it. Then 'ThisBadge' PM'd me and asked if I'd considered expanding any of the other 1 shots out like I had with 'An Unexpected Life'. At the time I had considered this but never sat down to write it. I had just started posting 'A Stone is thrown' and was working on my next big project and instead turned to this.
I've referenced 'Hocus Pocus' by Kurt Vonnegut several times throughout this story. I've also mimicked 1 of the quirks of that book throughout the story which is to never expand numbers out into their literary form. To truly understand this you need to read the book.
It is 6 chapters long plus alternate ending and complete.
Part 1 - The Shove
January 15th 2013
Hotch sighed as he hung up the phone and went back to the crime scene reports from the 2nd dump site.
Kidnapped, raped, tortured, killed and dumped all in pairs. They suspected the Unsub played the women off against each other. Got off on the power trip of watching 1 women beg for the life of another or perhaps 1 giving in to save herself at the cost of the other.
5 young women dead. 1 traumatised and in hospital and another 2 missing.
The only way they would know for sure is if the survivor started talking.
"You know..." Rossi was uncharacteristically hesitant to make his suggestion "there is someone who could do the interview. Marnie refused to talk to Reid cause he's a man and shot JJ down cause she doesn't think she'd understand..." the older agent didn't take his eyes of the murder board in the cramped conference room of the Annapolis police station.
"No" Hotch knew exactly who Rossi was suggesting.
"No she won't do it or no you won't ask her?"
"Oh she'll do it, which is why I'm not going to ask her." Hotch paused to gather his thoughts "Emily has only just started taking on written consults for us. She hasn't yet done any work outside of Quantico or her condo, she had knee replacement surgery a week ago, she has a teething 9 month old that she doesn't trust anyone else to take care of and we both know if I invite her in to do Marnie's interview she's going to want to stay and see the rest of the case through with the team which we all know she is nowhere near ready for."
Not to mention how the rest of the team would react to Emily being outside the safety of Quantico or her new high security condo.
He knew Garcia, and Morgan had gone over the Alexandria condo with a fine tooth comb at Emily's request. Motion sensors and cameras on all windows and doors, back to base alarm system that alerted not just the security company but the rest of the team if it went off. Emily rarely left the condo alone, her mother was paying for the physical therapist to go to her and groceries were delivered. The few times Emily went to Quantico she was picked up by 1 of the team and Keira was never out of her sight. Keira was never left with someone outside the team and even that was incredibly rare.
In some ways Emily wasn't even trying to move forward... she was free to come and go and do what she pleased but something was stopping her from stepping outside those comfort zones.
"We've been waiting for her to be ready to take on more... every single 1 of us is aware she's hiding, protecting herself and that's ok right now." Hotch ran a hand through his hair "She probably does need a shove back into the world. I just worry this is too much too soon."
"Or... this is the exact shove she needs." finally turning to face Hotch, Dave pushes on "Think about it. We tell victims all the time that talking about their experiences helps them take back control. By telling us everything they can remember they're playing a big role in banishing the monster. Now, Emily's monster is banished, he's dead and never coming back and so is the life she had. Emily is never going to be physically fit for field duty again, her sense of self and safety was brutally stripped away so she's been trying to find a new normal and she's struggling. We can all see it. Maybe by helping Marnie Emily will finally be able to take that next step... whatever direction it may be."
Hotch considered Rossi's words. The team had been going out of their way to shield Emily from the real world, worse still Emily was letting them.
Emily's Bureau assigned psychologist had been the one to suggest bringing her back into the BAU to help with written consults and case vetting. Emily could log in from home and grab a case from the teams share drive do the research and write up on it or send it to Hotch for the team to take. It was also the psychologists idea for Emily to only be able to work on cases pre-vetted by Hotch or Rossi.
Don't let her fly through on easy stuff any of you could do while asleep. Give her complex cases and get her brain working again, her value didn't just lie in her ability to run, to pound the pavement so to speak. Help her remember that her true value is in that brain and heart of hers.
"If we ever want to see that stubborn, self assured, take on the world and win woman back we need to stop letting her hide behind us."
"I know..." Hotch reluctantly picked up his cell and scrolled through the contacts until Emily's name came up. "Let's not tell the rest of the team just yet. If this goes badly..." he doesn't finish the sentence before picking up his keys and heading out to the car.
As expected Emily hesitantly agrees to Hotch's request and promises to be ready to go within the hour.
1 of the pitfalls of the damage to her knee and resulting replacement is she's stuck on crutches. When she opens her condo door to Hotch Keira is fast asleep against Emily's chest in her baby carrier, the safety seat is sitting waiting, along with a backpack for all the paraphernalia going out with a 9 month old requires.
She's gnawing on her bottom lip nervously as Hotch picks up the seat and the backpack and hauls it back down to the Tahoe. This more than anything drives home Rossi's point, 2 years ago Emily would have found a way to carry a baby, her backpack and the safety seat while on crutches and anyone that dared try to help her would be bitched out at gunpoint. They all want that Emily back. The team doesn't care if she never travels with them for a case or comes back to the Bureau full time. They want their friend.
Once they're settled in the car and fighting through DC traffic to get back to Annapolis Hotch starts to fill her in on what happened when JJ and Reid attempted to interview Marnie Loughlin.
"She threw a bedpan at Reid and called JJ a... well... let's just say it traumatised Reid more than the flying pan."
"Ouch..." Emily winced at the visual.
"I'm hoping you'll have better luck with her." Hotch doesn't push any further and lets the car drop into silence.
"It's been a long time since I've worked with a victim..." Emily comments quietly unsure if she wants a response or not.
"Yes it has" Hotch agreed.
"I'm thinking that going in there and kicking off with my story isn't going to work..." Emily was hesitant to voice her thoughts. She'd been in survival mode for so long now she hadn't been able to move out of it yet. She was home and safe yet she couldn't shake the vestiges of captivity off.
"She'll think it's a manipulation..." her mind was slowly kicking into profiler mode... rusty as it was. Written consults were easy, she could take her time and do the research. She didn't need to trust in her own instincts and knowledge. Emily was well aware that every consult she had done in the last few weeks was being double checked by Hotch and Rossi. They were a damn good safety net. Hotch didn't dare interrupt her.
"She might not even be willing to do a cognitive yet, it will have to be in her time and on her terms." pieces were slotting into place "I can't be the first to speak..." she reaches down into the backpack at her feet and rummages through for a moment before sitting back up with a huff "damnit.."
"You forgot diapers?" Hotch smirks hoping she'd respond with a snarky comment or roll of the eyes but she does neither.
"No, I was hoping to have a book in there..."
It takes him a moment to work out why she would suddenly have the burning need for a book to read.
"Morgan left a copy of Hocus Pocus* in the glove compartment." Emily's eyes light up as she hits the release and finds a well worn copy of the book. Running light fingers over the title a small smile graced her face "The 2 prime movers in the universe are time and luck" she quoted.
The last 20 minutes of the drive were done in silence. As they pulled into Anne Arundel Hospital Emily looked over at Hotch.
"You'll stay outside with Keira?"
"The whole time" he promised.
Still unable to balance and get Keira situated in the carrier Emily hauled herself up into the back seat and expertly released her and settled the now awake baby facing outwards. Her physical therapist said hauling Keira around like this was doing wonders for her core muscles and upper body strength but putting a lot of strain on her good knee and hip. The doctors were confident that by the time it would really become an issue Emily could graduate back to a cane and start using the stroller again.
Once they were upstairs Emily finally let Hotch take Keira and nervously gave him final instructions he didn't need.
"There are bottles in the backpack along with some snacks, diapers, clothes, a blanket and Harriet."
3 days after she'd escaped Doyles compound she was still living in Hotch's office while their next move was decided. She hadn't known that Hotch had sent Doyle's coordinates to Easter and was waiting for the Brit to confirm if they had managed to take Doyle into custody or not. Their confirmation was a video of Doyle being killed by a sniper's bullet. It wouldn't surprise Emily if Clyde took the shot himself.
Reid had shyly knocked on the door and presented her with a gift bag covered in sparkly pink balloons proclaiming 'it's a girl'. Inside was a soft knitted doll Emily suspected was supposed to be Queen Victoria but Reid was adamant the dolls name was Harriet after sociologist Harriet Martineau.
Emily had watched wide eyed as Spencer sat with her tiny daughter cradled in his arms and expounded on her life and theories.
'It's ok to be a woman before your time. You are going to be strong and smart and loved.'
Somehow Harriet had become Keira's favourite cuddle toy and Emily could not go anywhere without it if she wanted to get Keira to sleep. She'd actually made Reid go out and find another 3 of the exact same doll. JJ and Hotch had both told nightmare stories about meltdowns when a favourite toy couldn't be found.
Leaving the carrier with Hotch Emily shoved the book into her back pocket and made for Marnie's room.
It said something about the young woman's mental state when even her mother had been banished from the room. She had been watching the 2 of them juggle the baby and her gear silently.
"Mrs Loughlin..." Hotch didn't look nearly as imposing when he had a baby in his arms.
"Agent Hotchner, I'm sorry but Marnie still isn't ready to talk."
"We're actually going to try a different approach. This is Emily, she's..." Hotch paused as he struggled to explain Emily without breaching her privacy.
"I've been there" Emily interjected quietly "where she is right now." she swallows deeply "I can... I understand."
Studying the younger woman, Karen Loughlin saw the same darkness in her eyes that Marnie now had.
She nodded slowly accepting their plan and stepped aside to allow Emily through the door.
Pulling it mostly closed behind her Emily made her way over to the chairs by the window settling herself in 1 and pulled her left leg up to rest on the other. Reaching into her back pocket Emily pulled out Hocus Pocus opened it to a random page and started to read.
She really wished she had been a little more circumspect in where she opened the book when her eyes drifted down to page 36.
What my children most dislike me for, though, is my reproducing in conjunction with their mother. They live in constant dread of suddenly going as batty as Mildred and Margaret. Unfortunately, there is a good chance of that.
What would she tell Keira about her father? The section for fathers details on the birth certificate was blank, Emily owned nothing that would indicate a relationship at the time of Keira's conception.
Could she maintain the fiction of a 1 night stand that resulted in a baby? Should she make up a story about wanting a baby badly enough to go to a sperm bank?
Should she tell a version of the truth? Would Keira 1 day ask why there were no photos of Emily's pregnancy or the first few months of her life? Should she tell the whole truth and hope for the best. How much of her father was really in the baby? Would she have Ian's temper, love of cooking and dogs, love of guns... penchant for killing.
Banishing those thoughts... it wasn't something she could deal with right now, she'd been successfully not dealing with it for 6 months. She continued reading.
Heredity is obviously much on my mind these days, and should be. So I have been reading up on it some in a book that also deals with embryology
Emily can feel Marnie's eyes on her. Burning in curiosity as to who this strange woman is and why she wandered into her hospital room without permission.
This was Emily's aim, get Marnie curious enough about her to strike up a conversation. The longer they sat in silence the more likely they were to connect.
She was 3 pages in when Marnie finally spoke.
"Can I help you?" there was a hard distrustful edge to the question that was completely expected.
"Nope" Emily didn't bother looking up. She could feel the confusion radiating from the other occupant of the room.
There's another couple of minutes of silence before Marnie speaks again.
"What's wrong with your leg?"
"I had a knee replacement last week." Emily finally looks at Marnie "The hyaline and fibrous cartilage had disintegrated along with the meniscus. All of the ligaments were torn and there were stress fractures in the patella along with the fibia and tibula at the knee and they were starting to spread so they also put in supporting rods to reinforce the bones."
Marnie's mouth dropped open as she comprehended the extent of the damage and Emily's bluntness about it.
For Emily it was a calculated move. She had answered Marnie's question exactly and in its entirety and without any unasked for information.
"How... how does that much damage happen?"
Emily studied the younger woman, telling the truth now could get her kicked out of the room and they would be back to square 1. Not telling the truth would cause problems later when it came to getting her official statement.
"Many years ago I was working for Interpol..." Emily took a deep breath, this would be the 1st time she'd actually had to tell her story to someone that didn't already know some part of it. "I helped put an arms dealer in jail and when he escaped he came after the team that took him down. He killed 14 people before coming for me. He didn't kill me... I had something he wanted and wouldn't tell him where it was so he tried to force it out of me. I lost count of the number of times he wrenched my knee out of the socket and then kicked it back in."
"You're an FBI agent..." Marnie's face immediately closed and anger started to boil up.
"Not right now..." Emily stated quietly "Technically I'm on extended medical leave. I occasionally consult for the team from home. Agent Hotchner thought it might help to talk to someone who's been there… Now I can't pretend to understand how you're feeling or know what you went through. I wasn't there... I didn't suffer at the hands of the same monster who held you, tortured you... stripped you of yourself and humanity bit by bit. I have my own monster who did that to me... 1 of the Agents who was here earlier… his monster beat him, drugged him, made him choose the next victim and made him dig his own grave... My old bosses monster broke into his house, stabbed him 9 times, killed his wife and attempted to kill his 4 year old son... my monster held me for 16 months, I'll never walk without a cane again… I'll need plastic surgery to remove some of the physical scars he left me with and I'm still wondering if it wouldn't be better for me to give his daughter up for adoption. Let her grow up without me and my monster." Emily let her head drop back against the chair and stared at the ceiling for a moment.
"You ever read Kurt Vonnegut?" Emily looked over at Marnie as it occurs to her she's just told secrets that aren't hers to tell. She briefly wonders what happened to her filter and compartments.
The young woman shakes her head.
"Hocus Pocus…" Emily holds up the book so Marnie can see the cover "Not 1 of his better known books. Not my favourite of his either, but it's a good read." she paused "I can start at the beginning and read it to you…"
"You're not going to force me to tell you what happened?" Marnie was still suspicious of this woman.
"When you're ready, you'll tell your story to the right person" Emily assured her and started to read aloud.
"My name is Eugene Debs Hartke, and I was born in 1940. I was named at the behest of my maternal grandfather, Benjamin Wills, who was a Socialist and an Atheist, and nothing but a groundskeeper at Butler University, in Indianapolis, Indiana, in honor of Eugene Debs of Terre Haute, Indiana."
They were part way through chapter 3 when Marnie finally spoke again.
"He made me choose between being raped and watching the other girl being hurt… He took a knife and made these long shallow cuts across her stomach… I don't think I'll ever forget the sight of her blood trickling slowly down her body."
Emily stared at her for a long moment… waiting to see if she'd continue before going back to the book.
"To me, and I passed this on to my students, the restored devices demonstrated not only how quickly anything on Earth runs down without steady infusions of energy. They reminded us, too, of the craftsmanship no longer practiced in the town below. Nobody down there in our time could make things that cunning and beautiful."
Outside the room Hotch pulled out his phone and sent a text to Rossi, they were right. The Unsub was playing the victims off against each other.
He still wasn't sure if this was a good idea. It was certainly successful as Emily had managed to get further with Marnie than anyone else. Whether it would be good for Emily remained to be seen. After that 1st day in his office when she reassured him that Doyle hadn't turned her Emily had been reticent to speak about her time in the compound with the arms dealer.
"I wasn't the worst young scientist Sam Wakefield persuaded to come to West Point. 1 classmate of mine, from a little high school in Wyoming, had shown early promise by making an electric chair for rats, with little straps and a little black hood and all."
"He doesn't like electricity" Marnie interrupted again her gaze fixed on something only she could see out the window. "He said it was too unpredictable… knives were better because he has absolute control."
Once again Emily didn't push or comment but continued to read.
By the time she reached chapter 9 Emily's voice was hoarse. Whether it was this or the solid and non-judgemental presence she had made herself or perhaps it had nothing to do with her and was all Kurt.
"So what indeed! The lesson I myself learned over and over again when teaching at the college and then the prison was the uselessness of information to most people, except as entertainment. If facts weren't funny or scary, or couldn't make you rich, the heck with them"
"I was walking to my car…" Marnie starts quietly while Emily was sipping at her water bottle "I love 'Mary Poppins'… I love anything with Julie Andrews in it… I wanted to see 'Saving Mr Banks'. None of my friends were interested so I went by myself to a late showing... " They already knew all this, 2 days after christmas Marnie's car had been found abandoned in the parking lot of Bow Tie cinema "I heard a little kid calling for Daddy… and I thought what's a kid doing out here alone at this time of night."
Emily wondered if the normalcy of reading a book had given Marnie enough distance from the trauma to tell her story.
Outside in the corridor Keira started to whine, a quick check revealed a diaper full of solids and despite the years since Jack was in the diaper stage there are somethings that remain with you. Hotch shouldered the backpack and headed down to the baby change room, as he lay her on the change table it struck him just how much like Emily she was becoming.
The first time he had ever laid eyes on 11 week old Keira her paternity was clear. Her face was rounder, nose not as long or pointed and ears a slightly different shape to her mothers. The first time her eyes had blinked open the bright cerulean blue surrounded by long dark lashes had taken his breath away. Their shape all Emily along with the dark brows, high cheekbones and thick brown hair.
Now 6 months later her face had elongated slightly to match the same oval as Emily and the once blue eyes had steadily been darkening so they now resembled the night sky. Given enough time Hotch believed they would be the same dark coffee colour as Emily's.
Responding to his low and gentle speaking the baby smiled wide revealing the same beautiful dimples that graced Emily's face too seldom these days. Hotch considered what he'd heard Emily say about giving Keira up for adoption. It was clear she loved her daughter, loved her enough to give her up if it came to that. Keira's existence had forced Emily to stop fighting for her freedom. By their estimate Emily had been trapped in the sleeper section of a long haul truck for around 6 months. Doyle used the truck to transport his old stock hidden in Boston to sell around the country, they never managed to pin down his location as he was always on the move while constantly trying to break the unbreakable Emily Prentiss.
Hotch was the only member of the team to see the medical reports, the MRI of her destroyed knee, the pictures of the brands, the scars on her ankles and wrists from the chains she'd worn for so long.
Keira was a living breathing representation of that time, of the helplessness of the situation. Hotch could understand why Emily was feeling so trapped by the baby and maybe the only way she could ever move on would be to give Keira up to parents who didn't have that dark past. Who would never look at her and see their worst nightmare. Then again Hotch had seen Emily with her daughter, seen the love from both sides. He'd watched the 2 of them sleep on his office couch in those first few days.
He'd noticed that these days the only person Emily smiled for was Keira.
Emily needed time and space to make her decision and come to terms with everything she had lost and gained at the hands of Ian Doyle. The Ambassador wouldn't be any help in that regard unless money was required so it was up to the team.
Now clean, dry and dressed Hotch propped the 9 month old against his hip and made his way to the nurses station where they happily gave him directions to the kitchenette to heat up a bottle.
Settling in the seat next to Mrs Loughlin he let Keira get comfortable and take the teat of the bottle eagerly. Within minutes the bottle was empty and the baby fast asleep.
Inside the room Marnie's quiet voice continued to echo through as she haltingly told her story. He wasn't worried about missing any of it, Emily had slipped a digital recorder into her pocket before going into the room. He'd need to make sure no one heard the first parts of the conversation. The team didn't need to know Emily's innermost thoughts and turmoil.
An hour passed of Marnie haltingly telling her story to a silent Emily who didn't interrupt to ask questions or make comment. He wondered if she had become a ghost in the room… a barely visible presence for Marnie to bear her soul to.
Slowly the speaking petered out until there was silence in the room, after several beats Emily's clear voice came through waking Keira from her nap.
"Do you want me to come back tomorrow and keep reading?"
"Yes please." Marnie's sleepy voice responded.
For several minutes there was nothing but silence and sad baby sounds as Keira looked for her mother whose voice she could hear but couldn't see.
Inside the room Emily waited until she was sure Marnie was deeply asleep before pushing herself up right and making her way out of the room with the soft click of her crutches.
As she exited the hospital room and pulled the door shut behind her Keira let out a happy squeal.
"Hey gorgeous girl" Emily cooed at Keira as she took the baby from Hotch and listened carefully to the stream of happy babble that erupted. "Really… Hotch promised to buy you a pony? He never promised me a pony…" another burst of babble "Oh… Hotch promised that Rossi would buy you the pony… that makes more sense. Rossi's a pushover" a rare genuine smile crossed her face as Keira's little hands patted Emily's face and she leaned forward and planted a sloppy opened mouth kiss on her mothers chin.
Hotch smiled as well at the flash of the old Emily coming through.
"Marnie's asleep" she informed Hotch and as Keira settled against Emily's chest with a happy sigh "I told her I'd come back tomorrow"
"I sent JJ back to your place to get you 2 an overnight bag, I think she put the stroller in as well. It took some finagaling but I managed to get you a 2 room suite at the same hotel as us." he wondered if Emily would actually sleep outside the safety of her condo. As expected she immediately caught on to what he was doing. Hotch was giving her the space to say no she didn't want company… she was fine staying in a Hotel room alone with Keira.
She wasn't and they both knew it.
"Who's staying in the other room?" Emily wouldn't even look him in the eye, she hated being this… needy…
"That's up to you…" Emily nodded and pushed the decision away for now. Lowering herself gingerly into a chair she shrugged back into the carrier and secured Keira to her chest and slung the backpack over her shoulders before pushing herself back up to standing.
"Dinner?" she asked Hotch as they made their way slowly to the lifts.
"We're meeting the team at the hotel dining room" he confirmed "And Emily… you did really well today. Some things… can't be taken from you." She swallows hard and accepts his words and praise.
End Part 1