Kate hesitated before ringing the bell. Suddenly it was all so stupid, going there just because of a pen. Why would that matter? Judging by the way he had treated her the last few weeks before he decided to leave the precinct, this meeting would probably last less than a minute. But somehow, that was enough for her. Less than a minute would be more than nothing.

She took a deep breath, and rang the bell. No one answered. She rang it twice. Nothing. She deduced no one was home, but instead of walking away, she rang the bell again. Somewhere in her mind, he was there, he knew it was her and didn't want to answer.

She instantly regretted her attitude when she heard Martha Rodgers coming to the door.

"All right! All right! Hold on! I'm coming!" said the actress, while she opened the door. She was kindly surprised it was Beckett, and greeted her with enthusiasm.

"Beckett! Darling, come on in! It's been a while"

"Yes, it has, Martha. How are you?"

"Ah, fine. Fine. What about you?"

"Doing ok. Catching killers. Same old." She tried to hide the anxiety, but it seemed impossible to hide something from Martha. That was something she had learned a long time ago. Somehow, she was glad she didn't have to ask for him.

"He's not home. " said Martha. "He's at a meeting with his publishers."

"Oh!" she said, mixing relief with disappointment. "That's ok. I just came to…" and she picked the pen from her pocket, and that silly thing remembered her how silly this situation was "he forgot a pen."

"A pen, hun?" Martha picked the pen from Beckett's hand, analyzing it and reaching the conclusion that Richard probably had a box full of those in his study. "You came all this way to bring a writer a pen." Beckett shrugged, trying to hide her shame with a silly smile.

"Oh, I can't stand you two." Martha said, surprising Kate with her tone of voice and the flick of her arms. "I mean, here he is, walking around the house all day, every day for the past two weeks, checking his phone every two seconds. And now you, with this pen".

"I'm sorry, Martha, I…"

"Oh, you didn't do anything, dear. I mean, that's probably the problem. Neither of you did anything. This is so pathetic. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about".

Kate couldn't say anything, but Martha didn't seem to give her any space also. She just kept saying things and waving her arms nervously, walking around. Kate decided just to follow her.

When Martha started talking about the pen, and how silly that was, and how Kate wanted Rick to open the door, and maybe that should've happened because then they would solve this silly thing, she entered Castle's study, and Kate followed her. Still paying attention to Martha, Kate didn't see the box full of books on the floor, or even the other boxes already packed. She just got distracted by a light, coming from the cabinet behind the table. A light, and what seemed to be a picture of hers.

"And then he… Kate?" said Martha, when Beckett completely ignored her and went straight to the light, only to reveal an electronic board, filled with information. Information on her, her mother, her mother's murder.

A mix of shock and rage could be seen on Beckett's face, and Martha stepped aside when she turned her back from the board, a tear rebelliously falling from her left eye. Silence took over. Her hands were clenched into a fist, punching slowly the tip of the table. Martha rushed to hold her hands, caressing them until they were flat again. Kate just looked at the old woman, stunned, silenced by the surprise.

"He was just trying to help, dear. All he did, he did because…"

"I know" she said, in a whisper, reaching out for the chair in front of them. Martha kneeled next to her, still caressing her hand. "I just thought…"

"That he had given up on it?"

"Yeah, after Montgomery, or even… I mean, he just left the precinct, said he was done researching, that he was moving, creating another character. I didn't think…"

"Well, to be honest, all he did these weeks was look at this board. All the things he discovered, with or without you, all the things yet to be found. He was wondering if he should give it all up or pass it on."

"He was going to stop?" Asked Beckett, the tears now flowing freely on her face. Martha gave her an honest look.

"It was too hard on him. Beckett, after what you did…"

"What I did? But what did I do?"

Beckett seemed so honestly puzzled that the acting instincts of Martha Rodgers knew she was genuinely surprised by that revelation. It seemed it was her job to come clean for both of them.

"That bombing case, at Wall Street. You questioned a suspect, who said he was in shock and couldn't remember what had happened."

"I know but…"

"He was there, Kate. He was behind the glass when you told the suspect you remembered everything from your trauma. He knows you know."

Kate just couldn't believe! So that's why he had been acting so weird! And that's why he had quit. She could only cover her mouth with her hands before the sobbing took over her emotions.
"What did he think?" she asked, desperate.

"That you didn't tell him out of embarrassment. You didn't know how to tell him you didn't feel the same".

Everything came into Kate's mind with those few words. Embarrassment. Didn't feel the same. All her decisions after she woke up from that bullet, her decisions about him. What had she done?

Martha could only comfort Beckett. Inside she was screaming! She could see clearly that her son had made a mistake. And could only hope he wouldn't come back from his meeting with Gina again.

Kate took a sip from the tea Martha had offered her. It was too hot. She decided to let it get cold for a bit. She looked up at the woman's face. They shared honest smiles.

"So. You and my son are two stupid teenagers, is that so?"

"I suppose so." Said Kate, trying again her tea. Still too hot. "But now it's too late."

"Kate, dear. It's never too late."

"What are those boxes in the study?" she had noticed them but was too afraid to ask.

"He decided to move to Chicago after Alexis went to college." Kate sighed. "But I'm sure he can go back on his decision. It's not set in stone! And if there's anyone who can convince him to stay in NY, that's you."

"Me? The woman who lied to him all this time, who crushed his heart and didn't even seem to care? I'm sure that's not the case, Martha."

"Oh dear. It was a misunderstanding. I'm sure…"

"You know what's so funny? Those words were probably the reason I survived. There I was, lying on the ground. Screams, people running everywhere. All of a sudden, everything went silent, and all I could see was Castle. All I could feel was his hands holding me, all I could hear was his voice, saying 'I love you, Kate'. And I wanted to speak, but I couldn't, I wanted to reach out to him, but I couldn't. Then darkness took over. Took him away from me. I felt like… I had to go back! I have to wake up. To tell him. I couldn't go without telling him."

"Telling him what?" Castle came from behind the post that separated his entry hall from his living room. Kate was so frightened she spilled all her tea on her lap. It wasn't too hot anymore. Martha rushed to get a paper tower to help her clean, but she ignored her and got up, going straight to Castle.

"What are you doing here, Kate?"

"She came over to bring back a pen you forgot at the precinct" interrupted Martha, and instantly regretting it, went back to cleaning the sofa and the floor.

"I came to see you, Castle." Kate couldn't see reason for lying anymore. Here he is, probably your last chance. Don't blow it!

"I found your board." As if that wouldn't blow it! "you lied to me, Castle. You said you stopped searching".

"lie?" he couldn't hold it any longer, filled with fear and rage and sadness. " I didn't lie, Kate. I just didn't tell you I was still looking. A lie is something much worse than that. "A lie, Kate, hurts. It's cruel. It's telling something when it's something else."

"I know." She said. "Your mother told me. Your heard me."

"Yeah, I did."

"So that's why you've been acting like this, hun? Why you went back to your playboy lifestyle. That's why you quit the precinct, said you were through with Nikki Heat."

"All I did was try to get over it. Forget about it so I wouldn't feel like I had to forgive you, because I didn't want to. Making me wonder how you'd remember, and what would happen. Thousands of images of that moment in my imagination. Would you come to me at the precinct? Would it happen in a crime scene? Would you call me, desperate, and i'd run to your house, a cheesy 80's song as soundtrack as i rush into your arms? Or simply waiting for you to come at my door, late at night, telling me you had remembered. Telling me you felt the same." his voice faded as he said it, tears falling from his eyes. "not one is going to happen. Because you already know. And you decided to ignore it."

"I didn't ignore it, I Just..."

"Hid it. Forgot about it. It wasn't important, never mind that."

"Don't do this. Don't put it this way."

"And what way should I put it, Beckett? You crushed me. I say I love you and you decide to forget it. That's cruel!"

"I was afraid I'd lose you" she said, sheer honesty.

"oh Kate. I'm not a love struck 16 year old boy. Wouldn't it be easier to just come clean? Tell me that you remember, and you don't feel it. It's fine!"

"It's not fine, Rick! Look at us! Look what I've done! All this time, I was afraid, and now all my fears have come true. It's over. All my life, that's what's been done to me. I lose everything I care about. All I love is gone from me. Everyone. My mother, Montgomery. You!

She said, and the hope in his eyes came as of a 16 year old boy. As serious as the moment was, she couldn't help feeling happy for this natural reaction of his, but held her laugh. He could be so innocent sometimes! 'Because he loves you.' she heard the words in her mind, coming from the look in his eyes, and remembered the first time she heard them. The bullet, the pain, the screams. His arms, his eyes, his lips saying them. The darkness taking him away from her. She had to listen to it again. And again. What did she want, keeping it a secret? Pulling it off? She wanted to hear it again. And all she had to do was ask.

"Why did you keep investigating my mother's case, Rick?" He started telling everything she already knew.

"You said you needed to break the wall it had built in you. I had to do something. I had to break in. and I'm not sorry for that."

"Why did you do it, Rick?" she insisted, completely ignoring his words, and he understood. He came closer, as she closed her eyes. His hands delicately wiped her tears from her face, caressing her cheeks. Her hands reached out for him and she pulled him closer.

"Tell me, Rick" she eagerly insisted.

"I did it because I love you, Kate"

She opened her eyes, looking straight into his. And time froze.

"Good. Because I love you too"