Diary of a Leader
I'm so tired…it's been a long day. Met up with Heechul today at Silver Dreams Coffee Shop. Donghae and Eunhyuk had been bugging me about meeting up with him since last month, so I brought them along too. We've been away for some time now for our Super Show concerts and haven't seen him for the longest time. It seemed he really missed us, seeing the way he greeted the kids. I can't remember the last time he gave our members such giant fluffy bear hugs. The only person he used to bear-hug frequently was Hankyung…
We went in, ordered our drinks, and had a leisurely chat, mostly updating each other on recent events. Hae, Hyukjae and I told him about our most recent Super Show, about the sapphire-pearl blue ocean that flooded the arenas, the cheers and fanchants, the familiar sweet exhilaration, the beautiful, absolutely overwhelming love we felt on stage, and the sincere happiness we all shared. The three of us could tell Heechul really missed it. We made a promise to all return to the stage together in the near future. He told us how well he was doing the army, but also how lonely it was sometimes.
"Things aren't as they used to be, are they…"
Although he said this nonchalantly, the table fell silent for a moment. We thought about the changes Suju had gone through, the times when the burden felt so heavy it threatened to crush and consume us.
"Ahh, I wonder how Hankyung's doing…" He leaned back in his seat and gazed out the window into the distance. I bet he wished he could see all the way to China.
The three of us watched him. Somehow, we weren't surprised at this comment. It was obvious Hankyung's departure hit Heechul the hardest. I still remember his silent tears on our first stage after Hannie left. Donghae put an arm around him.
"We're still here, hyung. And we're gonna be here for a loooong time. So long that when you get sick of us, you still wouldn't be able to kick us out."
Heechul turned and glared at him severely, but not before I noticed the transient glint of happiness in his eyes. "Yah, where'd you learn to be so mushy! I have goosebumps!"
Hae laughed his bubbly 5 year-old laugh and relentlessly gave Heechul his cutest puppy eyes.
"Sharanghae :3"
"Gaah-ack-" Heechul half laughed, half gagged while clutching at his chest and lowered his head onto the table.
"Hyung, you seem a tad preoccupied, so I'm just gonna help you drink your ice-latte…"Eunhyuk reached for the glass.
"YAH! Don't you dare!" Heechul popped up again instantly, thoroughly protective of his drink. We all laughed. The rest of the gathering was filled with light-hearted chatter.
Although our time together was overall pleasant and refreshing, Heechul's comment on how things have changed stuck with me all the way home. It got me thinking of how far we've come, but also of the uncertain future we all faced. We, as Super Junior, were 13 people, but of one heart. All our members, Hyukjae, Donghae, Kangin, Ryeowook, Yesung, Sungmin, Kyuhyun, Siwon, Hankyung, Heechul, Shindong, and Kibum, I love them all. We are the closest of brothers, united by one dream. And yet, our group could not remain whole. Hankyung left. That incident left a hole in my heart, in all our hearts. There will always be that irreplaceable emptiness on stage where he once stood. Kangin and Heechul are in the army, and more members, including myself, will also have to temporarily leave for the same reason. I guess I can't say we didn't see that coming, and all we can do is stay strong, through our own strength and with the love and support of our beloved ELFs.
Just the other night, Hyukjae approached me looking utterly distressed and lost. I knew whatever the trouble was, it was serious. I asked him what was wrong.
"Hyung…I just got off the phone with Junsu…" He paused.
I pat the bed, motioning for him to sit beside me. He slowly sat down and almost seemed to be holding his breath. I waited until he was ready to speak.
"Yoochun's father… just passed away."
My mind blanked. I didn't know what to say, but I was sure my shock was clearly etched on my face. "Does Yoochun know yet?" I asked.
"Not yet…"
"Did Junsu say anything else?"
"Jaejoong hyung took the news really hard. He hasn't been out of his room the entire day. Junsu's worried sick. He had no one to talk to so he called me. He sounded on the verge of tears." He looked down at his hands. "Teukie hyung, I'm so worried. These few years have been so difficult for them. The lawsuits, their separation from TVXQ…their saesang fans controversies, and now Yoochun's fathers' passing. Jaejoong hyung carries all the burden by himself! And when he shuts himself away like that, and Yoochun's away, Junsu's all alone and has to contain the pain by himself and I can't do anything at all to help him and I don't want them to drown in their troubles and fall into depression and do something stupid—"
At this point, Hyukjae's voice had risen considerably and sounded almost frantic.
"Hyukjae!" I grabbed his arm, not hard, but enough for him to snap out of his rant. I couldn't watch him talk himself into the darkness of his deepest fears. He fell silent again.
"Hyukie, Junsu's lucky to have a good friend like you there for him. I know you just talking with him would already have helped him a great deal."
Eunhyuk looked up at me.
"All we can do now is be there for them through their hard times. They're strong enough to pull through, and they will." I tried to look reassuring and hopeful. He let out a sigh and slowly spoke.
"I've never gotten over the fact that they went their separate ways. I mean…they were so close! I can't count how many times they've said they couldn't imagine life without one another. Now look at them. How could this have happened! The bond they'd formed since their trainee days, how could it be severed like that?"
I had no answer for him.
"I can't help but compare their situation with ours. What does our future hold for us? We were family, but Hankyung left us! What's the meaning behind our claims of being brothers? These claims sound so weak and fragile when placed against the lawsuits and controversies. How can we protect our group from being torn apart in the face of that kind of pressure?"
He was looking me square in the face. When my eyes met his, I saw his searching mine for some kind of answer, some kind of solution to this impossible question. His gaze made me uncomfortable because once again, I had no answer. What kind of leader was I? I felt I had failed him because I couldn't provide reassurance, couldn't help ease his mind when he most needed it. I couldn't make a big promise like saying Super Junior would never face that kind of situation, that we would never separate, because I didn't know that. No one would know. So, I told him my honest thoughts. It was all I could do.
"Eunhyuk-ah, hyung doesn't know…But, what I do know is that we are brothers, we are family. We stick together, we face whatever comes our way." I stopped and thought for a second, trying to put a form to the multitude of thoughts swarming in my head.
"And, you know, even when a group name ceases to exist, it doesn't mean the friendship between its members ends as well. One day, 'Super Junior' may no longer be around, but you, Donghae, Heechul, Kangin, all of us will still be here and we'll always support and lean on each other like we always have."
Eunhyuk pondered that for a bit, then began to nod slowly, still looking straight down.
I continued, "And I'm sure all the Dong Bang Shin Ki members have felt the same way and still do. They did not willingly go their own ways. Their circumstances did that. But I believe even as JYJ and TVXQ, they haven't forgotten their feelings for each other and the memories they all share. Should their circumstances change, I'll bet they would want nothing more than to be together again. That's what Cassiopeia yearns for, and what we all hope for. Until then, they will continue to fight and so will we."
Hyukjae was once again directly meeting my gaze, but this time, I saw the loss and uncertainty was temporarily dispelled. He had found an answer, perhaps not exactly what he was searching for, but it was an answer nonetheless. His hands, which had been clenched tightly together, had finally let go. He smiled his normal dorky smile and simply said, "Teukteukie hyung…you're the best."
After all that tension and worry, that smile and those words shone through like the first golden beams of sunlight after a dark and heavy thunderstorm. I smiled back and clapped him on the back.
"Yah Anchovy! How could you be such a worry-wart? Your supposed to be the silly, dorky dance machine!"
He laughed, "Speaking of dance machine, this anchovy's gonna go spend some quality time with the dance studio. Laters!"
He flashed me a grateful smile and cooly twirl-spun his way out of my room.
"But it's 1am!" I called after him.
"Only 1?" Was his laughing response from the hallway. The front door slammed and I sat alone in my room with a stupid grin.
I realized Hyukjae's concerns had been my own too, bottling up for quite some time, and silently eating at me all the while. Now I feel more at ease and all the more confident in facing our future along with all the members. Our career isn't easy, but we made a decision to pursue it all those years ago. We can't possibly just give up now, can we? SUJUDONGBANGJYJ화이팅!
Teukteukie out!3