Cool story, bro
This story was commissioned for buffaloman, blame him.
After his face was burned, the Pyro had plastic surgery perfomed by Saxton Hale. All who view his glorious features now explode, which is why he has the gas mask on all the time.
Gordon Freeman's crowbar was synthesized by Saxton Hale himself, WITH HIS DAMN BARE HANDS!
One of Saxton Hale's teammates once complained about his computer's performance issues. Saxton Hale gave him an Alienware doused in Jarate. We now know this computer as GLaDOS
Saxton Hale can Sentry-Jump while wearing Gunboats. As a Spy. While playing a TF2 Dodgeball Mod. On a Linux. WITH HIS BARE DAMN HANDS.
Saxton Hale's mighty chest hairs rippled in the breeze as he hanglided an eagle with one hand and ate two jumbo breakfast steaks with the other. The wind did not dare to whip his hat off his head for fear of what Saxton Hale might do to it, so it sat perfectly still like a good bitch. The mere contact between his manliness and the wind was already causing devastating tornadoes in kansas that sent little girls to a land of burly tall men that looked like pussy munchkins because of the Saxton Hale infested wind doused in jarate.
The blonde alighted upon the street-rather, the sidewalk gently rose up to meet him after feeling his mere presence. He handed the eagle to the nearest maid and said: "here, have an eagle". The overpowering nature of his words knocked her out and he kept going. In 2012 she would overcome her trauma and birth a virgin mexican baby named jésus hernandéz VII.2. The babe's first cry would then destroy everything in the world, except Saxton Hale, who would bitch slap the child with a single glance causing it to blow up as well.
Just as he was about to sell a fifty thousand dollar useless virtual hat to bill gates, his manly senses started tingling. He fuckyeahteleported while still making the transaction and arrived at the scene of the disturbance. The effect was sickening to his bare-chested manliness. Two hippies were smoking pot in the middle of a meadow on a bright sunny day, white daisies were in their shaggy long hippie hair and flower prints on their loose hippie clothes. Hippies. Fucking hippies.
"heyyyyy, starshine~. Guess what?" the first blonde one said swaying from side to side clutching a hippie guitar.
The second blew out a hippie ring of hippie pot smoke and smiled like a fucking hippie. "what, he-who-dances-with-trannies?" she asked back toying with the peace sign around her hippie neck.
He-who-dances-with-trannies let out a stoned laugh. "Chuck Norris went to the virgin islands. When he left they were, like, called the islands. Instead of virgin islands, you know, 'cuz Chuck Norris was there."
"duuuuude. Peace, love, and happiness"
"peace, love, and happiness, duuuuuude"
"did you know that when god said that 'let there be light' thing, Chuck Norris told him to say please. Like, duuuuuude." starshine laughed her hippie laugh.
Instantly both of their faces melted off under the weight of Saxton Hale's inadvertant glare of anger. Hippies AND some other amazing man. There was no one greater than Saxton Hale. Who was this Chuck Norris those filthy hippies spoke of?
Saxton Hale grabbed the nearest airplane and rode it back to his manor to stare at the computer until it hid behind wikipedia. "As a result of his "tough guy" image, an Internet phenomenon began in 2005 known as Chuck Norris facts, ascribing various implausible or even impossible feats to Norris.." the australian man read aloud causing an earth quake in haiti as a result of the unbearable connotations. Saxton Hale willed the computer to show him the website and his anger caused twenty european hippies to drop dead. "butler!" he shouted causing the second earth quake in haiti.
The butler promptly manifested in the room and handed him the phone on speaker and dissapated into nowhere almost as soon as he had come. The phone rang four, FOUR, times before it picked up. "hello?"
"is this Chuck Norris? Walker, texas ranger?" he asked causing the phone to quake in fear.
There was a silence. "do i know you?" Chuck Norris boldly asked.
Not know him? "i am Saxton Hale of mann co.!" he exclaimed in a very manly way.
"a telemarketer, eh? You cant make me buy anything so dont waste your time." he sighed almost ending the transcontinent call.
"i can sell you anything. What is the thing you want the least?" The austrian defended trying to keep him on the frightened phone.
Chuck Norris sighed. "you are the thing i want the least. Now, goodbye"
"how would you like me on my knees in front of you, begging you to let me suck you off?" the fast but sexily spoken words froze the martial artist as he fingered the end call button. "my eyes are slightly closed before your length and my hat is shadowing my blushing face. İ want to please you so badly. İ want you to cum all over my face over and over."
İnstantly, a continent of hippies fatally orgasmed whereas Chuck Norris got an extremely uncomfortable hard on. "you want to what..?" he asked a bit huskily.
The australian took a deep breath before continuing. "i want to run my hands over your bare skin and feel every curve and muscle of that well-toned body of yours. That beautiful vessel of sex. İ want to tongue your massive dick and have you cum down my throat and all over my face. Then i want you to take me... İ want you to-" he informed the actor with his manly alluring voice. On the other side of the phone he could hear Chuck Norris moaning as he jerked off to his words. There was a click on the phone but the salesman ignored it, writing it off as the connection climaxing already. "i want you to go easy on me since its my first time. Only whip me twenty times and put at least two fingers up my ass before entering me. İll moan for you so loudly.. Just touch me all over and dont stop doing those things to me, please. İ need it so badly from you. İ need your cock in me. İ need your tongue rubbing mine. I want all of you" he grunted out.
"ah, xenu!" Tom Cruise cried on the third party line As both the atlantic ocean and baltic sea flooded from the force of their collective orgasms.
"TIME LORD TECHNOLOGY!" screamed a captain as he shot out of Saxton Hale's dick and hit a hippie across the world.
Tom Cruise can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land. Saxton Hale can climb air.
Tom Cruise is my Saviour