Author's Notes: This idea for this one-shot was inspired by the song "For You" by Keith Urban. It takes place at the end of Keep The Peace Part 2 but before the One Year Later scene. I realize some of the conversations in this one are similar to what I did with "Hand On My Back" but I hope it's different enough to be interesting. I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and the networks that air the episodes. Since the show has ended, our only way of getting new Flashpoint is through fan fiction. This story is my attempt to help fill the void, and the only profit I make is the warm fuzzy feeling reviews give me. Anything that does not come directly from the show is my own creation and should not be used without my permission.
For Them, For You
Breathing hard, Sam opened his eyes but stopped short of shooting up in bed. He stared at the ceiling, trying to catch his breath and trying to expel the remnants of the nightmare from his mind. The fact that he'd had a nightmare after the hellacious day that erupted from what should have been the most perfect day of his life didn't surprise him. He'd figured his dreams would be plagued with alternate scenarios of events that had already been too horrible to be real, but the intensity of the dream had caught him off guard.
He reached to pull Jules closer, needing the reassuring feel of her warm body pressed against his. They weren't spending their wedding night they way they'd both planned to spend it just that morning when they'd said their vows but at least they were spending it together. As his arms came up empty reaching for her, he had to rethink that last statement. Jules wasn't in bed with him.
Sam sat up but didn't reach for the light just yet. His eyes were already pretty well adjusted to the dark. Scanning the room, he saw his new bride sitting in the overstuffed chair near the window. Her back was to him as she stared out into the night. Her arms were hugging her body; and she looked so small and lost sitting there.
"Jules? Baby? Are you okay?" Had dreams invaded her sleep like they had his? Was her leg bothering her? Was she still worried about Sarge? Was the baby upset by all the stress and physical exertion Jules had been through during the long shift?
He expected Jules to nod her head; when did Jules Callaghan now Braddock ever admit to not being okay? When he saw the side to side movement indicating that she wasn't okay, his heart jumped to his throat. He threw the covers off and reached for a pair of sweatpants that he'd abandoned once they'd gone to bed. Turning his back to the window, he knelt down beside the chair and thumbed away a couple of fat tears that were making silent tracks down her cheeks.
She sniffled but didn't look at him. Her lower lip quivered slightly. "I tried to sleep but I can't. It's like I'm afraid that if I fall asleep, everything is going to fall apart and I'm going to wake up with nothing."
Her words pierced his heart and he felt his own tears threaten to fall. Scooping her up in his arms, he rose with her and took her place in the chair, cradling her in his arms. Her arms went around his neck and for a moment she buried her face in his bare chest and gave in to the tears that had already started. With one hand he rubbed what he hoped were soothing circles against her back. The other trailed down her body to rest on her stomach to make contact with his son or daughter who was still too small to be felt.
The day was supposed to have been so different. After they'd said their vows at a simple service surrounded by family and friends, they were supposed to spend what should have been a normal, hopefully quiet shift before everyone reconvened on the party boat for their wedding reception. Those plans had changed when they'd gotten the call from the 911 call center about a suspicious box found in their server room. By the end of the day four out of ten bombs planted around the city had detonated killing so many that Sam hadn't even heard the official count. Bombs that had taken the lives of two of their own and had almost taken more. They'd taken down the psychopath who had planted the bombs but not before he'd almost succeeded in killing Greg Parker in the process.
"Jules, it's…" He'd been on the verge of saying okay but stopped himself. It wasn't okay. None of what had happened was okay and he wouldn't lie to her. He sighed. "You heard the doctor; Sarge is stable. We never would have left the hospital tonight if there was a question about that." It had been almost midnight before the surgeon had assured them that he felt that Greg was out of immediate danger. It had been even later before Ed had convinced everyone that it was okay to go home and get some real rest. Rest that didn't seem to be coming easy for either Sam or Jules.
She nodded. "I know, but what about the rest of his life? The injuries the doctor described, how does he recover from that? I don't see how he'll ever be able to return to Team One. Last year, when he was doubting himself so much, he almost walked away, convinced that he couldn't do the job anymore. I was so relieved when he changed his mind and stayed but I don't know that we're going to be that lucky this time. I don't think he knows how not to do the job anymore than the rest of us does. It's going to kill him."
Sam kissed away a few of her tears, hating to see her in so much pain. She could handle her own physical injuries better than she could anyone else's. Her compassion as well as her strength made her the woman he could love so completely. Sometimes, though, her fierce devotion scared him just as much. "We'll be there for him. And you know Sarge, he's not going to let this get him down. Even if he can't do the job anymore, he'll find some way to help keep the peace."
He allowed a few minutes for that to sink in. He had to let her process things for herself. She'd never been the type just to accept things on face value alone. During that time, he just continued to hold her. The tension in her body didn't really ease and he knew something was bothering her besides Sarge's injuries. He moved his hand from her stomach and used it to lift her chin so that she was looking at him. Remembering what she said about being scared to go to sleep, he sought to further reassure her.
"You aren't going to wake up with nothing, Jules. No matter what else happens, I'm going to be here and so is our baby. Even if you think you've got nothing else, you'll always have us."
Something shifted in her eyes, the misery turning to anger. When she started to struggle against him, he released his hold on her immediately. As ungracefully as he'd ever seen her move, she was out of his lap and standing in front of the window. Her back was to him and her weight was fully on her uninjured leg. Once again her arms were crossed over her chest. "But that almost wasn't the case, was it? I almost became a wife and a widow on the same day. For a few minutes I thought I had lost you, and as glad as I am that you survived, I can't just forget that feeling. It was like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and nothing else mattered."
Sam lowered his head. He'd known this conversation was coming, but he hated that they were having to have it. "I'm sorry I scared you. It wasn't my intention. I was just doing my job."
"Jimmy was just doing his job today too. So was Donna. You think that's making Hank feel any better tonight? His wife is dead; he's got no one to hold when he goes to bed, and it's all suppose to be okay because she was doing her job? That just doesn't sound fair to me."
Sam wanted to hold her, wanted to kiss away her fear and pain, wanted to make up for causing her a moment's fear. He didn't move from his spot in the chair though. She wouldn't appreciate the embrace at the moment. "It's not fair and it doesn't make it right. Nothing is going to make Hank feel better about losing Donna, not even time. Just like nothing is going to make the families of all those other people who died today feel better about losing someone. Days like today shouldn't happen in the first place."
Jules turned back to face him, shaking her head. "Why? Why did you stay? Spike, Ed, me, everyone was telling you to get out but you wouldn't listen. Why not?"
Again Sam sighed, his blue eyes full of question and pain meeting hers that were equally stormy. "Why did you? You insisted on crawling through that rubble at the daycare knowing it would put you and our baby in danger. Ed and I were telling you it was too dangerous but you insisted. Why?"
Jules bristled. "So you stayed to get back at me for earlier? Is that what you're saying?"
Sam shook his head. "No, not at all. I'm just trying to figure things out just like you are. Why were you so insistent on going in?"
She shrugged. She didn't really want to have this discussion anymore but knew she couldn't get out of it totally. "There were kids trapped and injured. We had to do something."
Sam nodded. "And we would have. We would have figured out a way to get to them that didn't involve you risking your life. You wouldn't even give us a chance to consider the possibilities though. Why not? It was like you were making rescuing those kids a personal mission."
Jules hobbled back to the chair and once more sat in his lap. If she was going to tell him the whole story, she wanted to do so within the comfort of his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder. "Out on the sidewalk, Leah and I were checking victims, using the triage tags. There was a little boy; I knelt beside him to check his injuries but it was too late. He was gone."
Her voice sounded so haunted it was painful to hear. Sam wasn't sure if she was still aware that he was in the room, let alone holding her as she continued. "He was so small, so innocent. He had his entire life left before him and he wasn't going to get the chance to live it. He was lying there alone and helpless. I couldn't do anything but cover him up with a little blanket that was lying on the ground next to him. I'm supposed to save lives but I couldn't save him. I felt so useless."
Sam tightened his hold on her. If he could turn back the hands of time and change anything that had happened, he'd spare her that pain. Having to black tag a child would have been difficult for any of them but for Jules, her hormones in a state of constant flux due to her pregnancy, it had to have been even more so. He kissed her, hoping the affection would at least soften her pain a little.
She sniffled. "At the same time, I couldn't help but think about his mother. Did she know her son was dead? Was she lying nearby dead or injured as well? Was the woman who pointed him out just someone who had seen him on the street or was she his caretaker? All these questions were running through my mind. I was thinking of his mother and then I thought about our baby. Could I handle it if something about to our baby? I don't think I could, Sam. When my mom died, I remembered thinking as they lowered the casket into the grave that it was totally wrong. I shouldn't have to bury my mother. I thought that for years, but today something changed in me. As much as I wish she hadn't died, especially not when she did, it was the way it was supposed to be. Children are supposed to bury their parents not the other way around."
Sam knew what she meant. He'd overheard his mother say something similar after his sister had died. He felt bad; he hadn't meant to upset her more when he'd asked her to explain. Still, he was glad that she was letting it out, letting him in. That kind of pain was too much to keep bottled up inside. He didn't say anything, knowing she needed to explain without interruption. Besides, he didn't think there were words strong enough to wash away that kind of memory.
Jules hiccupped as the emotions pouring out of her made it hard to breathe properly. "I was just sitting there wishing I could do more and then Leah screamed at me that there was a daycare inside, more kids in danger. All I could think of was that I couldn't let them die too. I had to do something. Then I was listening through the parabolic mike and heard the woman say that Howie was injured and that they would have to leave him. I didn't know who Howie was but I figured he was one of the kids. Something in me just snapped. I couldn't let that happen. I had to get to him; I had to save him. I couldn't let anything or anyone stand in my way - not even you. That's why I insisted."
"And you saved him." Sam reminded her, lest she was so caught up in the memory of the one she couldn't save that she'd forgotten about the ones she had. His hand slipped under her oversized t-shirt to lightly rub her stomach, needing the contact with her and their child. "When you cried out in pain I think my heart stopped beating. I was so scared I was going to lose you and the baby. I don't think it started beating properly again until you crawled back out of that hole and wrapped your arms around my neck. I didn't want to let you go ever again. I wouldn't have released you when I did, but I knew we still had a job to do."
Jules listened to his heart beating beneath her ear. She was angry with him, more so now than she had been when he had refused to listen to their pleas that he leave the building while there was time. She felt guilty as well, guilty for being mad, guilty for worrying him, guilty that she hadn't been able to do more. Throwing in with the anger and guilt was lingering fear over Sarge, grief over the losses they'd suffered, and frustration that all she seemed to be able to do at the moment was cry. She wondered how much of the emotional overload had to do with the stress of the day and how much of it was pregnancy hormones. If it was the latter, she wasn't sure how she was going to get through the next six months until the baby was born.
She sniffled again unable to release the anger now that she'd started. "I was on my way back from interviewing one of the kids Anson Holt had tortured and Sarge kept interrupting me. Finally he told me to change channels and that it was you. I didn't know what was going on but I knew it was bad. Listening to Spike screaming at you I could hear the danger. But you didn't leave. Why didn't you just get out? You could have been killed. This wasn't some scene from a movie where the hero is defusing a bomb and the timer stops with one second left but you knew it was going it was going to be okay. This was real life and a real bomb and real danger. Did you even think about me and the baby? Didn't we matter?"
Sam knew she was still venting but hearing her question his feelings for her and their unborn child was too much after everything else that had happened. He felt his own anger rising. "Did you matter? Of course you mattered. Nothing and no one matters as much as you and our baby. Do you think I went into that building wanting to hurt you? That I wanted to die? A lot of things went through my mind, including thoughts of you and this baby, when I saw how much time was on that timer but I can guarantee you that hurting you wasn't among them."
Jules twisted in his arms so that she could look at him. "Then what was? Please, Sam. I was honest with you; I need you to do the same. I need to know what you were thinking."
Sam reached out and ran his thumb against her cheek. "When I first joined SRU, I know exactly what I would have been thinking. I would have thought, 'here's my chance to be the hero. I'll show them how good I am. I'll defuse this bomb when no one else thinks it's possible.' I wouldn't have been thinking about the consequences because I wouldn't have thought I could fail. I'm not that same guy anymore though. I've changed. My priorities have changed and I don't just mean getting married and becoming a father. I'm part of a team and I know what that means, or at least now I do, but not then. As many times as I heard the old saying that 'there's no I in Team' I don't think I really believed it. Not until Lew died."
Jules shook her head. "Sam, I don't…"
He cut her off before she could finish. "You would think after losing Matt I would know that the job is dangerous, even if was slightly different jobs. But I think I still thought I was invincible. I'm sure Lew never thought he was going to die when he agreed to defuse that bomb. I know Spike wasn't prepared for it. I know Lew didn't want to die that day but he stepped off that mine anyway. He did it because he couldn't risk Spike getting hurt. He did what he had to do to protect the team. He didn't ask for it; he just did what he thought was the right thing. He was defending his own- his friends and teammates. It was hard on all of us losing him but if he hadn't stepped off that mine, who knows what else could have happened?"
And just as he hadn't interrupted her when she was explaining, Jules realized she had to let him tell his story at his own pace. Sam stared off into space, his own pain evident. "It was supposed to be so easy. We knew the locations of the bombs and Spike had the knowledge of how to defuse them. Game over for Faber. It should have been that simple, but then I looked at that timer and realized I didn't have that much time. I dismissed the rest of the search team but I knew the whole building hadn't been cleared. People were in jeopardy. If I didn't defuse that bomb, people were going to die. People who had left their homes that morning thinking there would be nothing to prevent them from returning home tonight were in danger. I did it for them, not because I wanted to die but because I didn't want them to."
Now it was his voice that sounded haunted. "I saw some of the desks of the workers when we were searching for the bomb. Desks that held pictures of family members, these smiling, happy children and spouses that were expecting the owner of that desk to come home for supper. It weighed on my mind the whole time I was searching. I looked at that timer and started to neutralize the motion switch and heard you, Spike and, the others telling me to get out. I couldn't think about what was right or what was wrong, only what was. And what was was telling me that if I didn't succeed then people were going to die. I didn't think twice."
The tears that had flowed so easily down her cheeks were now drying. She stared into his face. "So what changed? What made you leave?"
"You." Now his eyes did meet hers. His blue eyes were pools of liquid. "I heard the anguish in your voice; you were begging me to get to safety so we didn't lose each other today. For them, I would do everything in my power to give everyone enough time to get away; for you, I would admit that I wasn't going to succeed. The bomb went off as I was running and suddenly there was smoke and noise and it was like I could feel myself flying. I thought about you and I thought about our unborn child and realized I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm sorry for scaring you, Jules. I really am."
Once more the tears that had stopped were flowing down her cheeks. She wiped them away impatiently and blew out a frustrated breath. "I've always known our job is dangerous. I accepted the risks. Now, I'm not so sure I can keep doing that. There's more at stake now."
Sam cupped her face in his hands and kissed her again. "Yeah, there are risks in our job but even if we were teachers or doctors or anything else, there's no guarantee we'll make it home at the end of the day. Today was further proof of that. Think about all those people who died in the explosions. They probably never saw it coming. In some ways I think we're luckier because we do know the risks. That's another lesson I learned with Lew's death."
"What do you mean?" Jules probed gently, her voice barely audible.
"Before Lew died, I probably talked to my mom maybe once a week at the most, probably not even that often. Once I realized that I - none of us - was as invincible as I thought, I realized that had to change. I started calling her once a day, just for a few minutes, just to let her know that I love her. That way if something happened to me during a shift, she wouldn't have to wonder how I felt."
Jules's eyes widened in understanding. "That's why you insist on kissing me just before we go into the building every shift. Not just a peck on the cheek but a toe-curling-we-should-get-a-room kind of kiss."
Sam nodded. "Yeah, I know we have to be teammates only while on duty so while we're still allowed to be a couple, I want to make sure you know that I love you. A year ago when you were injured in that lab explosion, we were still having to keep things secret. When we got to work that morning, Ed was coming in at the same time, and I didn't get a chance to kiss you like I wanted to. Then you were hurt and as I stared into that lab urging you to take sniper breaths and worried we wouldn't be able to get to you in time, I thought about missing out on that kiss. I know me not kissing you didn't cause you to get hurt but I felt bad all the same."
Reaching out to touch his cheek, Jules felt her lower lip begin to tremble again. "That's why you were so quick to tell me you loved me when they put me on the gurney."
Sam nodded. He'd never really been sure if she'd been coherent enough to hear him or register what he was saying to her. He was glad that she had. "We can't always control what happens on the job. As much as I would like to protect you from anything bad happening or as much as you want to do the same for me, we don't always get a say in it. I would take a bullet for you without a second thought and as much as I hate to think about it, I know you would do the same for me. If the worst should ever happen to me, I just don't want there to be any question in your mind about how much I love you. And if God forbid something should happen to you, I don't want to have any regrets that I might not have shown you how much I love you at every opportunity."
Jules put her hands around his neck, much the same way she had at the wedding earlier in the day. She pulled his head down so that his forehead rested against hers. "If something happened to you or if I was lying there dying because a call went wrong, I would never for a second doubt that you loved me as much as I love you. But if I had to live the rest of my life without you, trust me there would be regrets. I would regret every minute I never got to spend with you either in the past or in the future. I would regret that you didn't get to see our child grow up to be just like you. I just wouldn't regret a moment of the time we spent together. You wouldn't have anything to regret either."
Not moving his head from its perch, Sam let his hand travel down her arm until he had her left hand in his. His thumb rubbed against the ring he'd placed on her finger just that morning. "I love you so much. I wish I could change things so I hadn't scared you. I do regret that."
"I wish you could change things so that everything that happened while we were on shift today hadn't happened." She closed her eyes and willed back the tears. "Sam, a year from now, five years, ten, what will we remember about this day? Will what Faber did overshadow everything else?"
He kissed her lips and waited until she opened her eyes. "I don't know about you, but here's what I'm going to take from today. I'm going to remember that my day started off standing in front of our families and friends with the most beautiful woman in the world as she agreed to share the rest of her life with me. I'm going to remember how you kissed me as a vow of how much you love me, because it was so much more eloquent than words. I'm going to grin every time I remember the look on everyone's face when you told them that we are going to be parents. I'm going to cherish the fact that when the world offered its worst, I faced it knowing that I wasn't alone in the world any more. I'm going to remember that I ended the day the same way I want to end every day for the rest of our lives - in the arms of my wife."
A fresh wave of tears cascaded past her eyelids. She decided it had to be the pregnancy hormones causing her to be especially teary, or at least that was what she'd blame it on if questioned about it. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?" Sam asked, his voice sounding husky with a mixture of emotion and exhaustion.
"Always know exactly what to say in order to heal what's wrong with me?" Her own voice was strained with emotion.
Sam stood, cradling her in his arms, and carried her to the bed. Once he had her settled against the pillows and was once more lying beside her drawing her near, Sam kissed her again. "I'm pretty sure it's a part of the marriage contract. I know just having you in my arms does the same for me."
The anguish she'd been feeling most of the day didn't completely disappear but at least it felt more manageable. "Good thing there's no place else I would rather be."
"A very good thing." Sam could tell her own exhaustion was catching up with her. He kissed her again. Remembering her earlier statement about why she couldn't sleep, he lightly caressed her arms. "Go to sleep, Sweetheart. I promise you that as much as it is in my power to do so, I'll be here, always and forever."
She didn't reply and when he glanced down he smiled. She'd drifted off in his arms. Holding her close, he did the same.