Rating: Teen for language (I think)
Summary: Darcy's breasts are instruments of alien same-gender marriage relations. No seriously, this is a thing that happened, she swears. Honestly, it's just another day at the SHIELD/Avengers offices. Part Ten of my Stop All the Clocks series and Hogun/Fandral, Darcy's POV. Because some alien warrior dudes marry other alien warrior dudes. Get over it.
Disclaimer: Nope. But don't I wish…
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
"Nay, I hope, as I have temperance to forbear drink, so have I patience to endure drink: Ile do as company dooth; for when a man doth to Rome come, he must do as there is done." -Henry Porter, The pleasant history of the two angry women of Abington, 1599.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
When Darcy is filling out the paperwork for this incident-and there will be paperwork, because Coulson is a ninja but so freaking anal retentive-she will note that it all starts because she felt someone eying her boobs on what just happened to be laundry day.
It will not even be the weirdest report she fills out that day.
It will be the one, however, that makes her Tumblr account crash the internet-and she means the whole damn internet-because of the sheer volume of traffic.
The paperwork for that incident sucked moth-balls as well, but frankly, it was all worth it.
It goes like this.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
Someone is staring at Darcy's boobs.
This, Darcy will freely admit, is not a feeling that she is unaccustomed to. Darcy's no skank, but she's aware that her girls are frankly pretty mag, and after a few uptight years of glaring the douchebags off, she's mellowed into her new 'looking is fine but touch without my permission and the Taser is getting introduced to the balls' policy.
It works pretty well, all things considered.
That established, the fact that someone is staring at Darcy's girls normally wouldn't even be worth lifting her attention out of her Facebook creeping, but this time, there are two factors that manage to catch her interest.
The first is her shirt; normally, when guys-or girls, Darcy's an equal opportunity kind of gal-stare at the goodies for so long, it's because she's wearing something low cut. It's not a perfect rule-courtesy of one Halloween costume/drunken dare Darcy knows that teenage boys will stare at the girls in a burlap sack-but it's a pretty good one, and it's of note because today Darcy woke up and found she had literally no clean clothes, and so she's wearing a t-shirt she stole from Bucky-red with a big pink symbol on it-which naturally, she makes look mag, but it's hardly designed to show the ladies off.
The second is that the person whose doing said staring is Hogun the Grim.
And frankly, it's that last one that really lifts Darcy out of Farmville and a half-hearted conversation she'd been having with her mother about grandchildren and biological clocks and sets her eyes on the prize because she loves the Warriors Three, she really does, but it's essentially SHIELD's worst kept secret-beyond perhaps Clint and Natasha and Coulson and Sif and her and Bucky and frankly SHIELD has a lot of badly kept secrets-that Hogun and Fandral have a thing, and have had a thing for several more centuries than she's even been alive-and yes, she checked, there aren't any pictures, which is seriously a tragedy because damn that would be hot.
But more to the point, it makes the boob-staring a little out of character.
Hogun, it seems realizes that as well, as he returns his eyes to her face without embarrassment-Hogun, she will admit, does basically everything without embarrassment, like Thor but without the loudness, which is both enviable and BAMF-though his next utterance dispels any need for it in the first place.
"My sincerest apologies Lady Darcy, if I caused any offence, " he starts, and Darcy's always liked the way he speaks; it's without the flourish of his other-half, but lacks none of the nobility, "I only meant to inquire what the symbol on your tunic represented. I have seen many similar tunics on the people of this city, but have yet to ascertain their meaning."
At that Darcy can't help but flash him a smile, not only because only Hogun could so diplomatically inquire about the meaning of her-let's say borrowed-marriage equality shirt, but also because it means she gets to explain it to him, and the last time someone asked her that question it was Steve, and boy, was that ever a good time. It had actually been the time she bought this shirt for Bucky, red with the big pink equals sign on it, and then she'd had to buy one for Steve too, because taking them to central park for a rally wearing them had been too much for a girl like her to resist, and oh my Tom Cruise watching Fox News try to fight back against Captain America passionately supporting gay marriage had been better than Christmas.
Even Fury had been a little amused at that one.
Still, Hogun's asked her a question and she hasn't answered him yet, so remedies that, telling him, "It's an equals sign-people wear them to show their support for marriage equality." And then, because she can see that he's still not quite there yet, "You know, gay and lesbian marriage, and how it should be legal."
"Pardon me, Lady Darcy, but perhaps I misunderstood you." Hogun asks slowly in response, voice ever-level, eyes guarded, "Are you saying that men may wed men here on Mirgard?"
"Well," Darcy says, slipping back into the lefty political science major stance that she never really grew out of, "Not everywhere, because there are a lot of close minded assholes in politics-religious freedoms aside-but yeah, it's legal here in New York, and like ten other states and you know, Canada."
And then, because she's always been curious about the social nuances of Asgardian society-because there's sort of a latent sexism thing that she's caught on to, and it is a bit medieval, "Not a thing that happens in Asgard?"
"No," Hogun replies, elaborating without her having to ask, "the bond between shield-brothers or hearth-sisters is acknowledged and honored, but not as such." And then, as cautious as Darcy has ever heard him, "Can anyone who resides in this city take advantage of this law?"
"Yeah," Darcy says, biting back that smile you give people in love and like, babies and puppies, "All you need is a pair of rings, a marriage license and an official. And a few witness I guess."
"Thank you for your assistance my Lady, you have given me much to consider," Hogun says after she's finished, and he tops off his sentence with a gallant little bow that warms Darcy's heart because she knows it's a genuine gesture of respect.
"Anytime," Darcy says to his retreating back, and means it, and then she has to viscerally beat down the urge that fills her too post this to every social networking site ever, because that would be the greatest thing ever in the history of everything, but at the end of the day, it's not her thing to tell.
Still, when Bucky swings by to pick her up for a date after work she's beaming so much that he spends a good five minutes trying to get it out of her before she manages to distract him with said t-shirt covered cleavage, and Bucky, being a man whose got his priorities in the right order abandons his questions in favor of the girls, and Darcy's hands on his seriously grab-able ass.
And so, on the subject of alien same-gender marriage relations, Darcy figures that'll be it.
She's wrong.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
Three days later, when both Fandral and Hogun turn up in her office-which is seriously so much bigger than she needs, given that her job basically has her running between all the science nerds labs, but she wasn't about to turn down a corner office with windows; Mama Lewis didn't raise no fools-it doesn't set off her radar, but that's mostly because she's half preoccupied with a requisition of Tony's-those are always either hilarious or terrifying, there is no middle ground. However once she puts the form away-chuckling all the while because this one was the former-and gives them her full attention, the fact that something is up in the state of Asgard becomes readily apparent.
Mostly because they're both wearing their full Asgardian battle dress uniform, and damn that's a pretty picture. Still, unless they're currently being invaded by something and Darcy is unaware-and it's possible, freaking Norway and astrophysics conventions and their terrible wifi-something ceremonial is about to go down.
"Lady Darcy," Fandral entreats, and even though it's not without his usual flourish, it's also truly sincere, "we would ask that you do us the honor of standing as a witness to our martial union," confirming that it's door number two that they're going through-and thank Tom Cruise because she is so not dressed for an invasion today in her yellow sundress and chucks.
A wedding though…yeah, that'll work.
"I," she says, and yeah, there's that babies and puppy smile, "would be honored." And then, because she just can't help it, she takes both of their arms in hers and, the smile dips, turns just the littlest bit wicked as she drawls, "But screw City Hall; we're doing this Avengers Style."
Both men are wise enough to look a little wary.
However this time it's for naught, because once they get to the roof-the designated Avengers on the fly wedding spot and don't think she doesn't know about that Clint and Natasha-everyone, from Volstagg, Thor-Jane at his side-and Sif, also in full battle dress regalia to Tony in a grease stained wife beater with Pepper in Armani and five inch heels, their daughter in her arms, to Coulson and the SHIELD gang-Hill and Natasha and Clint and Fury, standing again as the minister-to Bucky and the Rogers family and even Bruce and Mrs. Hulk are already there waiting for them.
Her text; Roof, now, Avengers shot-gun alien gay wedding for reals :) definitely got the job done.
"My father and lady mother wished to be here," Thor booms, clapping Fandral on the shoulder so hard the immortal warrior stumbles a step forward before he is steadied by Hogun, who's looking out at the crowd of friends like he's a little overwhelmed at their sheer number, "but time did not permit it. So I deliver their congratulations along with mine. Honored friends, it gives me no greater joy than to stand with you on this day to celebrate your union. May it always be as strong as dwarfish steel," Thor finishes, and although Darcy admits that he has a bit of a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time he's certainly got it right here, because Fandral's eyes are suspiciously wet at the corners, and Hogun's no longer got that lost look in his eyes, so Darcy chalks it up as a win.
"Enough sweet-talk; we getting on with this or what?" Fury grouches, but his eye reveals his good humor and his sense of timing, which is subtle and excellent and earns him a grateful wink from Darcy, before she turns to Hogun and Fandral and hooks her arms once more into theirs before she enquires, "How about it gents, you ready to do this?"
"Always," Hogun says, quiet and heartfelt, and Fandral's eyes shine in response and even Darcy's eyes are a little wet as she smiles in response, "Then let's do this thing."
And so they do.
The wedding goes off without a hitch, although Clint does snicker audibly at Fury having to say "dearly beloved," which probably means that he's going to spend the next month in Siberia monitoring penguins or something, but Hogun and Fandral exchange their rings and even kiss at Fury's incredibly not-gentle prompting of, "what are you two idiots waiting for, get on with it already!" but it's Fury so no one takes offence.
And yes, Darcy does get pictures.
But the Tumblr thing is another story entirely.
And then there's dancing, and because this is Tony Stark's building the speakers are built right into the roof, and so Darcy makes the most of, pulling Bucky to her so he can whirl her around the impromptu dance floor.
"How about you," Bucky asks, the twinkle in his eye making it only a half serious question as he spins her around, "you lookin' to get hitched any time soon?"
"Someday," Darcy allows, because it's part of her plan, even in this nebulous, ever-shifting existence she's found herself in, "but not anytime soon. I am however looking for someone to ravish after this thing is over-know anyone who'd be interested?"
"I can think of a guy," Bucky says, leering playfully, and Darcy smirks at his before shooing him off with a playful smack to his ass so she can talk to Peggy, who's cutting her way across the crowd towards her.
"You did good," Peggy Rogers says with affection as she draws alongside Darcy, and Darcy can't help but beam with pride, because Peggy is seriously her hero and the most BAMF person here and if she could grow-up to be her she'd die happy.
But Darcy's also Darcy, and so she can't help but correct her, as she says, "We did good," gesturing to her girls and Peggy throws her head back and laughs, loud and boisterous and Darcy joins in, smiling as she watches these people, these wonderful, special people who make up her unconventional family be happy.
They've all done good.
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
FIN
AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAV
A/N: Hey guys, so I'm not dead! I got hit up with some health problems, and then my laptop decided to crap out so I've been without my computer for about a month. Add that to the fact that my muse is mostly a fickle bitch, and you get no fic for a while. But fear not, I've got some new ideas in the works including a prequel to my POI AU fic In Another Life (for any of my POI fans; also the Dollhouse/POI one is still rattling around-I need motivation) and for my Avengers readers who were hoping for Bucky/Darcy smut fear not, this isn't actually the Bucky/Darcy fic I keep promising, this was mostly just one that snuck up on me and since I really wanted to practice my Darcy voice this fic was born, so eventually the other actual Bucky/Darcy one will show up. Also, just as a technical point I know a lot of people didn't like my previous dividers, so let me know if this makes it easier/harder to read please and let's hope doesn't eat them like they usually do.
That said, yes, I am aware that Hogun and Fandral are not canon, not even in the comics. AU fanfiction guys! Also, I love Darcy; seriously she better have a decent role in Thor 2, because she is so much fun. Also, marriage equality; human rights are human rights people. I'm from Canada, so let's get this shit done USA. Everyone deserves the right to be happy (or miserable) in marriage! Alright, I'm off my soapbox, so as always, enjoy, and reviews and constructive criticism are welcome.