--Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad--
Chapter 1- Shells
I grew up and i moved away. That's all they know, only the shell of the actual story, nothing that the shell contains none of the contents of my long jounrey. Maybe it's better they don't know...they might judge me, or blame themselfs for some of the things that happened in my time away. I know Sora already blames herself for me droping high school, which is of course ridiculous, but you can't talk any scense into that girl, you never could.
Maybe that's why we got along so well, i was falling off the cliff, but she knew just where the ledge was and preffered to look out into the distance. Sora would send me emails every once and a while, but i never had any where to check my email, i was like this rain drop. I would fall from the sky and the cycle would just start all over again, picking me up and smacking me back down. That was my life for almost a year.
No one, not even Ryou, who thought the least of me at the time i left, guessed i, Ruki Makino would ever lessen myself to anything but Wonder Woman. However, despite thier hopes and my strong sence of self, i still lost sight of everything that was important to me. When i left for LA, i never thought that i would be setting out for long nights of snorting heroion and mornings waking up with men i didn't know, most times i never even went to sleep. I wasn't Ruki Makino any more, i no longer carried my fathers Japanese blood or herritage, i was Rika Nanaka, a cheaper American version of myself. Yet again, i was just a shell.
That's why i am standing here now, looking up at the big apartment complex fathoming the thought of what every one will say when i knock on the door. I have been over it again and again in my head, every scenaryo even who will answer the door. The only part i can't fortell is the way thier all going to feel, will they push me away, or greet me with open arms? I'm scared, for the first time in a long time. Scared that they will be ashamed of me.
The sun is starting to go down but you can hardly see it because of the rain which has started to speckle out of the sky, across the busy street there are still childern playing at the play ground, some of them playing soccer, im sure theirs a little mini Tai in there some-where. The steps seem alot steeper and it feels like there's 10 times more than usual, but then again what's usual any more? Once i reach the top, which really isn't the top at all, but really only 3/4 of the way up, i turn to my left, and begin to make my way down the long airy hall way. I loved how this apartment isn't closed off, no borders or glass to cage you in.
When i reach the middle i take a deep breath in, i know thier all here, at Tai's house, they usually are. And even if they weren't, they would be at Sora's only a few houses down. My palm is sweaty, tightly wrapped around the strap of my black back-pack so i use my left one, my knuckles rapping against the white plastic-like door a few times not quite as hard as i might have a year ago.
I have changed so much in the year, and I'm talking drastic changes. I hate getting on the topic of my body, my apperance, which is good because the door swings open. It's Tai, and for once he looks like a real collage man. His hair is still the same, slightly shorter and under control, for once he's not wearing a school uniform or shorts and a T-shirt but something similar. A grey hoody with big black letters that read UofA and grey sweat pants that reviel his scooby-doo boxers. He appears slightly unshaven, like he has been studying for a long period of time or working at his computer...or he's just been watching back to back reruns of Walker Texas Rangers.
"Yeah?" He blinks, and i feel a lump at the back of my throat forming, he doesn't know it's me. I stand there a while longer, i know i look different, my hair is blond now instead of red, it's long and stringy and I'm skinny, not in a good way either. My high model cheek bones have no flesh on them and make me look anorexic. There are dark circles under my eyes and i have brusies on my face as well as covered from make-up and cloths, and i know that only the bravest of men and the sickest of them can see into my beauty. "Tai-It's me. Ruki."
He blinks again, as if he doesn't believe me, like it's a prank. But he seems to accept it, not saying anything he opens the door wider. It's like he wants to smile, but the sight of my new self makes him worry instead of feel joy. "Hey, ah-guys, i think we have a vistor."
He lets me in, out of the rain which has now started to pour down, slanted onto my body. I feel my teeth chatter as i step into the house, excpecting to see no one. Instead i see every one, every one except Ryou, who i never excpected to be here in the first place. Only Takeru is standing, making his way over to the door. I can't help but smile, i see a man inside of him, he's lost the hat but still has the blond shaggy hair. He's tall, taller than Tai, probably standing at 6"2. It appears that he's in some kind of work uniform, or half of it, dark navy blue pants and a white T-shirt that he has tucked into his shirt. I manage to read the stitching on his pants, it has three letters, EMT.
Once he get's here from the couch, he has to turn the pourch light on to see me, but once the light hits me he knows that it's I emidently. "It's really you?" His voice sounds breezy and cool as he flings his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I know my face is probably burning up, but it's not because im emberessed im more overwhelmed than emberessed, it' just that i can't stand very long any more, and I'm also cold and very hungry. The hunger doesn't help my blood sugar. I have Diabeties.
With out realizing it Takeru has pushed me into the living room, where the movie has been paused and every one is standing up. I can't believe it, even Mimi is here, i don't know why but it feels good to see her pink hair and smell her herbal essense shampoo when she hugs me and shrieks just like she use to. Every one hugs me, even Sora who pretends isn't blinking tears onto my bare shoulder.
Henry is here, but Takato isn't, and i learn that he probably won't be. Something about him going on a scientific expidition to Antartica or something along those lines, i can barley consume all the words and expression and feelings that i am hearing and getting. Sora sits me down on a high kitchen stool, and tells Joe to get me something that will regulate my blood sugar, which he does with ease, he's one of the world's best Diabetes specialists, something i was always thankful for.
"We've been talking to long, tell us why your here." Yamato says his first words all night and i can't help but chime in, "What talking Yamato?" Every one laughs, and i even see a small smile appear across his hard looking mouth. I take a breath, taking a bite of the rubarb pie i have been handed. "Well, LA wore me out and to tell you the truth it began to bore me. I haven't seen my grandmother in quite a while, and we've been talking about me going back to school...so here i am. Back to see you guys."
Izzy grins ear to ear, taking a quick picture with his digital of me, Hikari, Mimi and Sora. Hikari hasn't said anything either, but not in the way Yamato hasn't. I feel as if she has words bundled up inside of her and she wants to untie them, unleash them, but she doesn't know how. I can see through the corner of my eyeup.
Tai speaks up, taking a better look at my apperance. "You must have had a long trip. Shower?"
Of course i accept, thanking Tai in my mind for noticing my gritty body from all the subways and trains and planes i had to take to get here. I follow Hikari into the other room, where she stops at the cupboard and takes out two towels and a face cloth. I want to say something to her, anything to make her happy to see her light hearted smile but i know that i am not the person to do that.
So instead of words, i watch her set the towels down on the sink, i bow to her and she does the same, and before i can thank her verbally she is gone back into the other room. I start the shower, peeling my wet dirty cloths away. Once i get in, i can barly see through all the steam but i manage to dump a dollap of Hikari's Pantin Pro-V into my palm instead of Tai's intense sport wash.
It still makes me laugh that even though their parents have moved out and into a house, they live together, Tai is in collage and i imagine takes home girls every once and a while (that is if he didn't finally confese his undieing love for Sora) And Hakari probably gets mighty fed up with his dirty laundry laying all over the apartment. But i supose their always here any way, every one is always here, even before i left they were, it's every one's home when they can't find a place to sleep at night.
I stand in the shower until all the hot water runs out, i feel, for once, clean and refreshed. I pat myself dry with the pink towl Hikari supplyed and wrap it around my head, then the other around my body. I let the door open a smidge, peaking out to make sure there is no one there, the coast appears to be clear so i make my way into the guest room where Tai told me he would bring my stuff.
It's not actually the guest room, it's supose to be Hikari's room, but she could never give up the bunk bed that she shares with Tai and im sure in a way he didn't want to give up sharing a room with his sister either. They're close, closer than i have every been to any blood relative. The most i ever said to my mother was 'hello' and 'don't wait up.'
There are posters of soccer players and cute Italian singers on the walls, and a few picture frames containing snap shots of Takeru and Hikari together, some of her and other friends. I close the door lightly, like if i push it any harder it might break. The light is dim when i flick it on, just a string of Christmas lights around the room. I drop my towel, staring hard at the bruises around my thighs and legs, even my chest is covered in the blue, purple and green marks.
I begin to hum, as if to take my mind off things, it's Theroy of a Dead Man, Santa Monica. It was my song before i left, it's been my song ever since. "Hikari, could you leave, I'm trying to nurse a han-" I let out a squeek that probably wasn't even heard in the other room. I back up into the wall, my naked body revieled to no other than Ryou Akiyama.
He's sitting up now, just as shocked as i am, staring at me. I blink a few times and my ridged shoulders let out a long cold sigh, "It's not as if you've never seen it before!" I know i am snapping, which is the last thing i wanted to do when i saw this boy. But my God, he's no longer a boy. His brown hair sticks out in the oddest of places i always found that sexy, and his unshaved face or the way his eyes look calm all the time. He's standing up now, still staring at my reveiled body, he bends down, snatching the towel from the floor and passing it to me in a nutreal kind of way like a dog who wants to share food with another.
"Your right, i have seen you before...but not like this." Ryou steps closer, i fumble with the towel and my legs go jello and i have to lean up against the wall when he helps me wrap it around my body. "I went through some rough times in LA...this is normal, these-" I stare at my bruses, "Are normal." I look down at my feet, my toe nails are painted a hot pink that i know is turning him on, he always loved when i painted my nails pink.
"Ruki, have you looked in the mirror latly? Your not a firy red head...your, your blond. Your skinny, look at your collar bone! Have you seen your collar bone!" There are times when he's calm but has a minor freak out, like he's my dad, and the other times it just feels like what it is. Two ex-lovers, feeling the erge to love again.
"I know i am repulsing, i know it and i hate myself for it!" I look up, my blue eyes probably look like pools of sorrow, if he can even see them underneith my dark circles. My skin warms when his hand reaches the back of my neck, "It takes a blind man not to see that you're a godess." My heart melts, why couldn't it melt for some other guy? I had my shair of ass holes, but there were good guys in LA who wanted to take care of me i could have quite turning tricks, but wanted my heart to melt before i was actually with that person. Ryou was the only person who ever did that for me.
Tears are sliding down my cheeks and i feel them leaking onto Ryou's shirt when he pulls me into him. "Tomorrow, let's die my hair back..." I can feel him chuckle into my hair, which i know he is smelling for my smell. But i no longer smell like me, i probably smell like cigerettes and cheap booze, even through the shower and shampoo. But he smells me and hugs me like he use to, as if im a drug that he can't live without.
"Why don't we get you into some pajamas and then i'll lay with you before you go to sleep." I nod my head machnically, he moves away from me to get to the closet, where he searches for a while and comes out with a little thick strapped white tank top with the American Eagle logo on it, and a pair of long plaid pajama pants. Hikari is alot taller than me, actually every one is taller than me, I've always been small an pettite. I always fit right into the shape of Ryou's body like a missing puzzle piece.
He hands them to me, staring at my face as i drop my towel and change into the cloths. "I know your tired, i can see it in your eyes. You can sleep here, i promise nothing will happen while your sleeping." I smile, i almost forgot what it was like to feel safe, Ryou is the ultamite safe for me. I could walk into a war zone with him and he would take all the bullets for me, he wouldn't die until he knew i was safe.
I take small steps to the bed, which is already ruffled around from Ryou's little nap, i get into it, the pillows are diagnal just the way he likes it, so i like it too. He shuts off the light as i settle in, my head fitting into the pillow like it was made for me. Ryou gets in next to me, taking my hand and looking at me. I can only see him through the little light that shines in from the outside Tokyo, but that's all i need to see the surealness in his face.
"I know you don't want to be falling in love any time soon, or dating me and you most deffently don't want to be having any sex, just know that i am ready for you when you're ready for me. I missed you when you were gone like a fish on land thirsts for water. Don't ever leave again, k Makino?" I love when he calls me by my last name, although i would never admit it outloud.
I only nod my head as he pressess his neck into my forehead and takes my hand.
This isn't how i pictured my homecoming. I couldn't fathom the thought because it was nothing i had thought before, instead of being beaten and abbandoned like in LA, i was renewed with love by the people i love most in this whole world.
--Oh baby when you talk like that, you make a woman go mad--