Disclaimer: If I owned NCIS I would not be in debt. Understand? Good.
A/N: I normally try to keep my stories as believable as I can. I don't this one is. Parts may be, but overall, it's not something I can actually see happening. However, I started to write and this is what happened. Please review and tell me what you think. It's been a while since I wrote for NCIS and I'm a bit worried that I'm losing my touch, if I ever had it to begin with. Enjoy! ~vapor2008
There Could Be
The bullpen was silent. It had been hours since Parsons and his men had disappeared with Gibbs into Vance's office. Hours since Tony had suddenly found himself in charge and hours since a word had been spoken. Tony knew he should say something, anything, to reassure the other two agents, but what was there to say? Gibbs was screwed. Royally screwed.
Tony knew better than anyone exactly how little Gibbs cared for protocol. Hell, Tony didn't care for it much himself. He knew how questionable Gibbs methods had always been, but followed the orders without a thought. If they caught the bad guy in the end, did the 'how' really matter that much? He was starting to realize that, to some people, it apparently did.
He looked at the other two agents left with him. McGee was furiously working at his computer. Tony hoped he was going through the files Parsons had looked at; trying to see exactly how much Gibbs was up against. McGee had turned out all right, Tony thought. He knew when to take initiative now and Tony appreciated that at this moment.
Then he turned his gaze to his partner. Ziva was staring at her computer screen, but Tony could tell she wasn't really seeing anything. He knew she was going to blame herself for all of this. In her mind, if she had never gone after Bodnar the way she did, everything would have continued as normal. The worst part was, Tony thought that was probably the case. There was no way to know for sure, but they had been left alone for 10 years with the way they did things, but Bodnar was different. They called attention to themselves. Ziva called attention to them.
Tony sighed and shook his head to clear his thoughts. No matter what, he would never be able to blame her. He thought back to what he had said to Parsons.
'You're going to poke the bear?'
'It's effective.'
'Until the bear eats you.'
'For doing my job?'
'For going after the bears best friend.'
He had meant what he said. So, maybe Parsons hadn't gone directly after Ziva, but she had gotten hurt anyway. The bear was going to eat Parsons. Looking at how defeated she looked right now, he knew he had never meant anything more.
Suddenly, he needed to get away, if only for a moment. He needed to get away from the suffocating silence that had taken over as they waited for Gibbs, Parsons, and Vance to appear. With a quick glance up to the balcony, he strode out of the bullpen.
He heard the lock click into place just as he was drying the cold water off his face. If he had felt at all like his normal self, he could have made some wisecrack about the amount of conversations they have in the restroom. Instead he just raised his gaze to meet hers in the mirror.
They were able to have entire conversations without saying a word, and looking at her now, he knew there was a lot coming. He was tired though. Physically and emotionally drained. The last couple of days had been almost too much for him. He didn't need this now. Whatever she wanted to say could wait.
"Now really isn't the time, Ziva."
"Now is the perfect time."
He turned to face her them, arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the sink. She mirrored his pose against the door. As much as he just wanted to walk out, he knew her; knew they weren't leaving until she had said what she needed to say. So, he waited. He watched as she realized he was waiting for her and watched as she struggled to find the right words.
"What has happened with Gibbs has made me realize that we cannot take things, or people, for granted."
Whatever he had been expecting her to say, and to be honest, he wasn't sure what that was, this was not it. He wasn't sure where she was going with this, but he waited silently.
Her eyes rose to meet his for a brief moment before they were darting around the room again. She couldn't seem to decide where to focus as she began to speak again.
"We believed Gibbs was untouchable. We followed every order without question. We always assumed there would be one more and then one more. We took it for granted that we would not lose him."
Tony opened his mouth to say they hadn't lost Gibbs yet, but she kept going.
"I know there is still a chance we will find a way to help him, but the point remains. We took him for granted. We took our team for granted. Which was wrong because we have seen many times how easily our team can disappear."
Tony cringed inwardly at the onslaught of memories that brought up. Kate, Gibbs time in Mexico, Jenny, his time as an agent afloat, Somalia. She was right. They weren't invincible. But they had always come back from it. He opened his mouth again to tell her, but again, she kept going.
"I know, Tony. We have always come back from all of it, but that has never been certain. It is not certain now. The situation we find ourselves in now may be beyond anything we can do. Gibbs is not innocent of all he is accused of."
At this point, Tony really wasn't sure where this was going. He found it odd that Ziva had sought him out here, where they have a history of deeply personal conversations, to talk about Gibbs, but he figured it was something she just needed to do. She looked unsure of herself as she continued to gather her thoughts.
While she was silent for a moment, Tony allowed himself to really study her for the first time since their conversation in the burned out warehouse. She looked defeated, which he had noticed early, but he hadn't noticed the turmoil that was written all over her face. There was something at war inside her, and she was trying to find a way to express that. He froze at the thought.
He had shut her out after she confessed why she had slept with Adam. He had been hurt that, yet again, she acted like she didn't trust him; like she didn't believe he really had her back. Always. He had thought they were finally getting somewhere. The 'post-elevator' them. He thought she was starting to believe him, but what happened in Israel showed him she hadn't. Yet here she was. Opening up to him. It might not have seemed like a lot to anyone else, but he knew what this was. She was trying to apologize. And not with words. She was trying to say she was sorry she hadn't believed him and she was trying to say that by showing that she going to start trying.
His mind was still reeling from the implications when she lifted her gaze to his.
"I do not want to spend more time taking anything, or anyone, for granted."
He knew what she saying, how could he not? But he needed her to say it. Just this once, he needed to her what was in between the lines, what had always been just out of their grasp. She was waiting for him to say something, anything, but he kept silent. His eyes narrowing slightly to show her he needed more from her.
She took a deep breath and maintained eye contact.
"I do not want to continue to take you for granted."
There was more to all of this, he could feel it, so he spoke for the first time. His voice soft but urgent.
"Why now, Ziva? Why are you just deciding this now?"
"Because the situation with Gibbs…"
She started to try to explain again, but Tony didn't want to hear that.
"No. That's what spurred you into action, but something else had you thinking about this before. Why are you deciding you want to trust me now? You haven't seemed interested a whole lot in the past."
He saw the fire ignite in her eyes and he inwardly smirked. He was going to push her this time. He was going to push her until she either broke or stormed out, but this was all going to end here.
"I have tried! And you have not been blameless either. There were times I needed you to turn to, and you were not there."
"Because you made it obvious you didn't want me!"
"I am trying to change that. I am trying to show that I do trust you."
Tony practically growled he was so frustrated at this point. He moved closer to her as she moved to him.
"But why now?"
"Because I need to fix us."
Tony said the only thing that came to mind.
"There is no us."
"There could be."
They both froze. The way Ziva's eyes widened slightly told Tony she had not planned on saying that. She had not planned on giving that much away. He had pushed her too far, right over the line they had so carefully been treading.
So, this was it, he thought. She had, unwittingly, been the first one to cross that line. To admit that there was something there. To admit that there could be so much more there. What now?
He had become so accustomed to walking that line, he found he didn't know what to do once it had been crossed. He focused back on her and saw something he hated seeing. Fear. She knew what she had done, she knew what she had just risked, and she was afraid of his reaction. Of him.
The silence was worse than it had been in the bullpen and he couldn't escape it this time. This is what he had wanted, what he had pushed her towards. He just hadn't thought through what to do if she fell. He watched as she slowly started to gather herself, to shut down, to put her walls back up and prepare to act like this never happened, and he panicked.
As she turned to leave, his hand shot out and grabbed her elbow, forcing her to turn back to him.
"Right now, we need to find a way to help Gibbs." He saw the acceptance fill her eyes and she nodded shortly and started to turn away again.
"But later," she turned back to him. "Later we finish this. I don't know what this means or where we go, but we made a promise to be more open with each other. If this is a step in that, good. I don't know, but we can't keep pretending conversations like this don't happen. I've told you I have your back. It's time we talked about why."
When he saw a small flame of hope kindle in her eyes, he knew he had found the right words to say. She nodded, apparently not trusting herself to speak, and turned to head out the door.
Tony waited a moment after she left, taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure what this meant for them or if anything would come out of it, but he knew it was past due. Whatever this 'thing' was between them, they had danced around it for far too long. He hadn't lied when he told her there was no 'them' to fix. Not really, but for the first time he found himself believing her words.
There could be.
Don't forget to review! Thanks!