Summary: Jade couldn't swim. It's too bad Beck never knew. Now she's left him all alone.
So I hope you guys like my first one-shot! It was inspired by the fanfiction Gone by itsMojo, which I thought was amazing, so I decided to do something like it. It's definitely not as good hers but I tried :) So I hope you guys like it.
Alone
~Beck POV~
Jade always said she hated the beach, but she never told me why. I always assumed it was just because she was...well Jade, and that was reason enough.
Or at least that's what I thought.
-/-
Bright lights danced against the glistening beads of water that latched onto her what used to be snow white face.
Used to be.
As in no more, in the past, never to be again.
Now, it was a sickly grey, outlined with a pale blue around her lips and fingers. Her hair was plastered to her face by the remaining water that adorned her body.
"Hey Jade, help is here so you can wake up now." I heard someone whisper. I couldn't quite tell who, but the voice disgusted me. It was so pitiful and enervated, Jade hated people like that. But at the same time it sounded oddly comforting. If someone was talking to her, it meant that she wasn't dead. She couldn't be. It meant that someone else knew she was alive, and that it wasn't just me...
But Jade still didn't move.
Never again.
"C'mon Jade, they're gonna take you away, you gotta wake up so everyone can see that you're alright and we can still jet ski. Remember we never got to finish our race?" It said again.
The voice never did get a response from her.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw 2 paramedics wielding a stretcher approaching Jade and me.
What were they doing? They couldn't wake her up now, couldn't they see she was still tired. She never did like waking up. She always said that she wasn't to big of the real world.
"What's so good about reality anyways? It's filled with disappointment and pain, besides dreams are more fun.
She once told me, with a wry smile.
Little did I know she would never have to face reality again.
You have to wake her up, they're gonna steal her from you, from us. You can't let that happen. A low guttural voice echoed inside my mind. It had a sense of power to it, a sense of foreboding knowledge that I couldn't help but fall under it's command.
As the men walked towards Jade, I instinctively shielded her body, and somewhere along the way I heard the voice say, "Jade you gotta wake up now, show them that you're okay! You can't let them take you away from me!" It said, panic seizing each word.
"Sir, please we're only trying to help." The first paramedic said gently.
"No, you can't wake her up, she's still sleeping." I hugged her closer, ignoring the slight chill her body gave me.
"Sir, this is for her own good, don't you want her to be alright again?" He said softly.
Again?
But isn't she already alright, she's just tired that's all...right?
"No, she's fine, she doesn't need you guys, all she needs is me." I glared at the man but for some reason my vision was beginning to get blurry. I swiped at my eyes, and was vaguely surprised to see tears shimmer against my hand.
The men continued to advance toward us, and something in me snapped. Why the hell couldn't they understand, she just needed to sleep, why couldn't they just leave us be?
"Get away." I said dangerously, and both men unintentionally stepped back a step. But with a new found determination, they continued towards us.
I continued to throw threat after threat, but they didn't even flinch. As they reached us, both men tried to reason with me again but again I didn't listen, and neither did they.
Okay if they didn't listen to words, maybe they'd listen to actions...
I quickly kissed Jade on the forehead, and muttered "I love you." before standing up, barely an inch away from the paramedics.
"I said get away."
"I'm sorry son, but this is for your own good. Now please move aside so we can help her" The second man attempted to remain calm.
"Bullshit!" I roared, and before I knew it, he had stumbled to the ground clutching his jaw.
Good, that's what he deserved. If that's what it takes to keep Jade, then so be it.
"What the-" I muttered, stunned at what had happened. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I muttered over and over again, taking several steps back until I tripped over something. I felt my head connect with an unknown object, but it didn't matter because I was already descending into the never-ending darkness.
Hmph, that's what you get for being so weak.
-/-
I woke up, accompanied by a low rumbling, and a steady throbbing beginning at my temples. It was as if there was a metal clamp squeezing the shit out of my head. My eyelids fluttered, but I quickly closed them, as the harsh light temporarily blinded me.
No wait, I had to open them, Jade might need me.
I squinted into the light, and turned my head slightly, despite the rolling waves of pain that crashed over me, and was surprised to see Andre staring intently ahead of him, his face scrunched up slightly.
What was he doing here?
Oh wait, didn't he come with Jade and I to the beach?
'Where's Jade?' I tried to ask, but all I managed to croak was something that could barely be classified as English.
Andre didn't even look at me when he said, "Mind if you stay at my house tonight?"
His house? Why did he want me to stay at his house, I didn't want to anyways, I wanted to be with Jade.
"Why?" I asked a little more clearly.
"Uh..I think it'd just be better today."
"Jade...where is she?" I sputtered not able to say much more.
He didn't answer.
No. They took her away from me, no no no no. I told her I'd never let anything keep us apart.
Never.
"Andre, where is she?" I started to panic, my voice sounded strained and desperate...just like the voice earlier.
"I'm sorry man." He replied quietly, as a lone tear slithered down his face.
Sorry about what? My heart had started racing, my head roared and it felt like someone was deflating my lungs.
"Andre, please, where's my girlfriend?"
"S-she's gone."
And it's all you fault. The harsh voice in my head growled.
"Gone? Gone where, c'mon we got to go find her, we have to help her." I said urgently.
You couldn't save her.
You broke your promise.
Andre glanced at me sadly before saying, "Beck, I think we both know we can't do that."
"What? Do you expect me to just sit around, while my girlfriend is out there somewhere and needs me?" I boomed.
"Beck, there's nothing we can do, it's too late."
It's over. You lost her.
"Like hell it is." I muttered, opening the door and getting out. It was after that I realized where exactly I was.
A car.
A moving car.
-/-
My head hurt more than ever, and it felt like my whole body was on fire. Even the little bit of light that escaped my closed eyelids, caused my head to pound.
I felt something light touch my wrist, and I involuntarily flinched, making my body burn even more.
In the back of my head, I heard noises though I could only make out some. There was a constant beeping, and dripping, and I could tell that there were 2 people in the room, but I couldn't understand what they were saying.
My brain seemed to be working through a thick syrup, as I tried to reorganize my cluttered thoughts. I wanted to go back to sleep, and escape the pain, but their was a small voice in my head nagging me that I needed to stay up.
I strained to listen to exactly what it was saying until everything finally hit me.
Jade.
I needed to find her.
I needed to help her.
My eyes fluttered open, and I was met by a blinding light that seemed to burn holes into me.
I groaned loudly, and from the corner of my eye I saw a figure walking towards me.
It took nearly all my strength just to simply understand what he was saying. "...awake...very lucky...no broken bones...some serious abrasions..."
I squinted at the man, and tried to speak, but my body wouldn't respond.
"Don't stress...sleep...should feel better soon." Was all I managed to get out from him, as he smiled and walked away.
Despite my wishes, my eyes began to flutter close, as I blacked out for the 3rd time today.
-/-
I felt a lot better as I woke up, and although my body still ached, I was able to think clearer. When I opened my eyes, I was thankful that I wasn't met by the harsh light again. I slowly turned my head, and tried to ignore the pain it caused and examined my surroundings.
I had already deduced that I was in the hospital, and I knew that I had to get out. Jade still needed me.
My eyes locked in on a clock that was on the far wall, but I had trouble making out the time. Though it must be late at night, or early in the morning if they left the lights off.
Oh God, what if it means I'm too late?
You are.
No no no no no I can't be...I-I gotta get out here. I numbly thought, as adrenaline started to course through my veins. I yanked the multiple IV's out of my arm, and was surprised that it didn't hurt. As I got up, my body didn't recoil from the pain as much as I expected, it felt heavier than usual, like my blood was replaced with lead, but that was it.
I stiffly clambered out of the hospital room, and ignored the many shouts of protests from the nurses behind me.
I felt someone grab my shoulder, and without thinking I elbowed the person in the nose, causing them to fall back.
The little hallway erupted in chaos, as nurses started shouting even louder, and able patients peaked out of their rooms to see what was going on.
Another hand clamped down on my shoulder, and before my brain could even process what I was doing, I quickly turned on my heels and grabbed the man by the wrist and said only low enough for him to here, "Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me."
He stared back at me, fear glistening in his eyes, and stumbled back towards the other doctors and nurses.
I smirked, and without missing a step, continued stalking down the corridor.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this was wrong, but I didn't care, I had to do this.
More hands latched onto me, but there were too many for me to do anything. The team of nurses forcefully pulled me to the ground, and I could vaguely hear a terrible scream echoing through the building.
It was that voice again.
A sharp pinch resonated around my neck, and the world seemed to switch to slow motion.
I was suddenly so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I needed to.
That's right, go to sleep. There's no one for you to save anyways.
"No.." I slurred, and tried unsuccessfully to fight them off.
Sleep Beck...Forget about her.
"Never...I...won't..." I somehow managed to stand up, catching the nurses off guard.
I staggered down the hallway, as my mind stayed on stand by and my body took over. I beat the shit out of anyone who got in my way, and only mildly found my behavior slightly disturbing.
But I had my reasons.
Before I knew it, I was running down the hospital, while people shouted various obscenities at me.
Ha! They said I was crazy, silly people. I wasn't crazy, I was just in love, since when did that become a crime?
But then again who said love can't make people do crazy things.
Monster. That's what you are. That's not love.
I ignored the voice and blinded by passion, I raced out of the hospital leaving a trail of injured and pissed off nurses and doctors in tow. Wow the security here must be terrible if they couldn't stop an injured 17 year old from escaping. But hey it just makes my job that much easier.
The screams soon became nothing more than a faint murmur, but I still didn't stop. I still needed to find her.
I kept running, but to where I had no idea.
It doesn't matter because you'll never find her anyway.
I lost all sense of time, but at some point my adrenaline slowly ebbed away and I was left on all fours, coughing violently while gasping for breath. I collapsed to the ground, heaving slightly, and examined my surrounding.
I could barely see, since it was still in the middle of the night, but I could hear a slight roaring in the background. It was then that I realized what I was laying on; sand. The same sand I was standing on hours ago.
The same place I had last seen Jade.
I rushed to my feet, and nearly fell back in the process, but was able to regain my balance.
"Jade!" I cupped my hands around my mouth.
I was only met with the constant crashing of the waves.
"Jade, c'mon it's just me, you don't need to hide anymore!"
Nothing.
She's never going to answer Beck...never.
"Jade...please." I whispered, and fell to my knees, "Please...I-I promise I'll never leave you again, I'm sorry, just don't leave me." I heard light plops against the sand and looked down, seeing increasing dark circles litter the ground. I swiped at my cheek, and cursed myself for being so weak.
There's no reason to cry anyway, because Jade's not dead. She can't be because...because...she's Jade.
"O-okay I'll be waiting for ya babe, I'll let you sleep now, I know you must be tired." I felt myself drift off. "I love you."
-/-
My heart had broken more times than I can count in the last 2 weeks. Every time I seized a new form of hope, I opened my hands to see that there was nothing there.
Every time.
My life had spiraled out of control, and all I had been able to do was watch.
Watch as I crash and burn.
I've searched almost all of Hollywood for her, and I've always ended up feeling emptier than before. No matter how many times I begged she never answered.
Never.
Yet at the end of every day, I'd fine myself back at the beach, where I last saw her.
The last place you'd ever see her.
I shook the voice out of my head, but scenes from that day kept flashing behind my eyelids. I couldn't sleep, it had become by enemy.
But it's been 2 days since I had, and my body hast started to give up on me.
Traitor.
I stared down at myself, as the water swirled around my feet. Clasping onto me as if trying to take me under to their watery depths. Like they did to her...
I fell to my knees, and stared up at the moon, my vision blurred with tears...again.
You need to sleep, Beck. You'll feel better...trust me.
"No, I-I can't. Not now." I muttered, though my brain was fuzzy, and clouded with memories.
"C'mon it'll be fun."
"I don't give a shit, I hate beaches."
"We're already here, what's one race gonna do."
"I said I don't want to, are you freaking deaf."
"You're scared aren't you. You don't think you can beat me."
"If that's what you want to tell yourself than so be it."
"Plleeeaassse Jade, just one race."
She bit her lip, "Fine, but don't start crying when I beat you and Andre's ass."
My eyes flew open, and I mentally kicked myself for giving in to my exhaustion. "Gotta...stay..awake." I muttered, and splashed water on my face.
"Can we rent 3 jet skis please?"
"No." I cried, and searched desperately in the sand. My hands lightly brushed against something cool, and I smiled slightly.
"Alright so we go to the rocks over there, alright?"
"Whatever, let's just get this over with."
I felt a sharp tingling spread across my left arm, and I was vaguely surprised to see blood streaming steadily down my wrist.
Is she worth it Beck.
"Whatever it takes." I mumbled.
Stop.
"I-I...I can't." I cried. "Jade what are you doing?" I screeched, swiping the sharp end of the shell along my arm again. "Is this all a game to you? Well I'll do anything to win, just please come back to me!" I screamed up into the sky, "Please...I need you...don't leave me."
Silence.
"Damn it Jade! What the hell is your problem, can't you see that I don't want to play this game anymore!" I roared, digging the shell deeper into my skin, but not feeling any pain. I wasn't sure if I could anymore, my body seemed to be nothing but an empty shell of the old Beck Oliver. Because to feel pain you need to have a good experience to compare it too. I couldn't even imagine a tiny little object such as a shell making me feel any worse than how much I was suffering now. "How could you do this to me, don't I mean anything to you, don't you love me?"
She never will again, and it's all because of you.
"I'm tired Jade, I miss you, let's just forget about this so we can go home." I said softly, my voice utterly defeated.
She can never go home again. You killed her.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tears drenched my face, "I never meant to hurt you, I swear. Just please come back so I can make it all better."
She's never coming back Beck, she's left you all by yourself...she's left you all alone.
"She wouldn't, she said she loves me, she'd never do that to me." I stared numbly at the pool of scarlet tinged water around me, "Never...never...never..." I mumbled repetitively, until I finally gave in.
"Alright on you mark get set-"
"Go!" She sped ahead.
"Hey no fair!" I laughed, as Andre and I raced after her.
In a matter of seconds we both passed her, "Hahah take that West!" Andre laughed.
My eyes locked in on the cluster of rocks in the distance, and I blocked everything else out as I headed for my target.
"Hahah whose the loser now!" I beamed as I made it to the boulders
"Whatever dude, don't get too cocky I'll kick you ass next time." Andre smiled slightly.
"Whatever you say Andre, but I can't believe Jade came last, she's not going to like that." I peered out at the water, and frowned when I didn't see her. "Hey, where is Jade, did she turn back?"
Andre turned around and searched too, "I don't think so, I thought she was right behind me...oh wait there she is." He pointed to the jet ski in the distance to the right.
"Ha, I guess she got lost." I shrugged, and turned my engine on, speeding off towards her, with Andre in tow.
"Jade, the rocks are over there." Andre laughed as we approached her. Or at least we thought it was her, I mean it was her jet ski, but she wasn't in it.
My heart picked up in speed slightly, as I scanned the water for her, "Jade!" I called.
She didn't answer.
"C'mon stop playing, it's not funny!" I yelled, my voice seized with panic.
Still nothing.
"Beck," Andre said looking down, his voice having an eerie ring to it, "Can Jade swim?"
"Of cour-" I started but then stopped mid-sentence, "Shit."
I immediately dived in, and scoured the water desperately. I soon resurfaced, gasping for air and noticed that Andre wasn't on his jet ski, and I assumed he had dived in too.
I quickly went back under, my heart going a million miles an hour, and I knew that even if I wasn't underwater I wouldn't be able to breathe from the raw terror ripped through me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure at the bottom of the sea bed. I kicked into full gear, and raced towards it, but my lungs were burning for air, and spots started to engulf my vision. I kicked weakly in the water, but I could feel myself succumbing to the never unfathomable darkness.
'I'm sorry Jade.' Was my last thought, before I lost everything.
-/-
I woke up with sand in every place possible, and my arm caked in dried blood. Luckily I didn't cut a place that was already injured from my car incident. I could tell that those injuries were already on the road towards infection.
My feet were pruned to no end as water lapped up at them, making me resemble an old raisin.
Jade never did like raisins.
It's funny how my thoughts always returned to her.
Always.
But I couldn't help it, she was and still is my everything, nothing could change that. I laid in the sand, and stared at the sky. I couldn't understand how it could be so beautiful when my life was in such a turmoil. How could the world keep spinning without my Jade. How could there still be people out there enjoying life, while mine was turned upside down.
It didn't make any sense.
Do you think she forgot about me, is that why she hasn't come back?
Did she find someone else?
No, she'd never do that she's probably just still...sleeping.
When are you going to give up on her, you know what really happened.
"Shut up." I growled.
You can't run away from reality.
"There's nothing to run away from." I muttered stubbornly.
There's no use hiding from the truth.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I bellowed, earning many weary stares.
You can't rid of me Beck...ever.
"Just get out of my head, I can't do this anymore." I grabbed at my hair, as tears came dangerously close to falling.
I'm only trying to help Beck, to show you the truth.
Jade. Is. Dead.
"NO!" I scrambled to my feet, and ran. I didn't stop, and I didn't look back
My body burned with each stride, but I paid little attention to it.
You're all alone now.
"Like hell I am." I snarled, and continued running full speed until I got to my destination. "She's gotta be here." I breathed heavily, trying to regain my breath, as I gazed at the West house.
I don't know why I didn't look here earlier, but it suddenly seemed like the best place to look.
Even though I knew her parents were probably still at work, I entered my usual way; through her bedroom window.
My feet smoothly found the nooks and crannies in the tree, and I was easily able to scale it.
"Jade," I called, wanting for her to open the window. "Jade c'mon let me in."
She's not in there, she never will again.
"J-" I started, until I saw a familiar flash of color in the corner of my eye. I rushed down the tree, towards the front of her driveway and squinted left and right, around the wealthy neighborhood, when I finally noticed the pile of things near the mailbox.
Jade's things.
Her clothes, her posters, her furniture.
Everything.
My hands shook violently as I reached and grabbed a little black notebook form the top.
I flipped through the book, and marveled at the intricate drawings, that graced each page. My thumb stopped at a particularly brilliant one. It showed a guy cradling a beautiful girl; holding her tight to his body, as if scared she'd run away. They both started unwaveringly at each other and I was in awe at how Jade was able to depict the raw intensity and passion in the girl's eyes, and the pure love in the male's. Her hair hung loosely, gracefully framing her face, and I couldn't help but grin slightly, at the tiny smile that adorned her face.
It was Jade and me.
In the corner was a scribbled note, with handwriting I could recognize a mile away: It's easy to fall in love, but I'm glad that I have Beck to catch me.
"I'll always be here babe, always." I whispered, carefully closing the book, as though I was scared it'd turn to dust.
My eyes caught on the only vibrant color in the batch, it was a neon green book, with cut out letters spelling JADE WEST: THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER, and under it was one of the few pictures of Cat and Jade smiling. The red head had made it for her at the end of our junior year.
As I paged through the scrap book I saw picture after after picture of the girl I loved..the girl who left me.
One of the photos was of Jade and me in front of her favorite coffee shop.
"Cat tell me again why we have to do this?" Jade sighed.
"It's for my scrapbook, remember? Besides what if one day you get all old and wrinkly and you wanna get coffee and you forget about this place." She replied airily.
"Okay okay whatever, hurry up Beck, let's get this over with." She pulled me in front of the shop.
"Alright one, two, th- hey wait you gotta smile Jade." Cat frowned looking up from the camera.
"I don't smile." She replied simply.
"Sure ya do, everyone does."
"Well not me."
"Ooo I know what'll make you laugh, a joke!" Cat grinned, "Alright what's green and bounces in the woods?"
"..."
"A flock of cucumbers!" She giggled.
"Uh..."
"Don't worry I got this Cat." I smiled and turned to Jade, "Alright Jadey Poo smile for the camera." I made funny faces at her.
"Are you constipated or something?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, you've left me no choice." I attacked her stomach, my fingers swiftly dancing across it.
"Beck stop...I'm...gonna...kill...you..." She said between laughs.
"Got it!" Cat beamed at us.
Jade straightened up and said bluntly, "Fuck you Beck."
"I love you too babe."
My vision blurred, and I slid the picture out of the little holder and tucked the picture in my pocket before placing the book down.
I gingerly picked up her favorite shirt, trying to find even the slightest touch of her scent and almost broke down as the aroma hit me.
I heard a clinking from below and saw the soft glint of silver as I recognized the thin necklace. I squeezed the identical one around my neck, the cool metal burning my skin. We each had a broken half of a heart...
"Because that's how I'll feel if you ever leave me."
Her voice bounced around my skull.
"So that means you can't go prancing around with some other skank." she smirked.
"Wouldn't dream of it." I leaned in and kissed her gently.
We promised we'd always wear it.
Always.
Promises are nothing but words, and words fade...words can break.
"I'm sorry Beck." It sounded as if the was talking to me, but it had her voice.
"Jade?" I snapped my head up, and saw the end of jet black combat boots, before they turned a corner. "Jade!" I quickly grabbed the necklace and little book, before running after her.
I raced down the streets of Hollywood, earning many stares but I ignored them all, none of them mattered now. "Jade wait up!" I yelled as I broke out of the main part of the city.
But she never looked back, she just kept running.
Until finally she just stopped. She was a couple feet away form me, looking straight ahead and even with the heavy wind her hair didn't move an inch.
I stumbled towards her, my heart hammering.
Don't get your hopes up.
"Jade, I missed you so much." I whispered, attempting to caress her cheek, but there was nothing there...
Nothing at all.
"Why do you keep doing this to me?" I screamed at the sky
I looked wildly around, and it was then where I noticed where she lead me.
A graveyard.
I reluctantly looked forward, fearing what I was about to see, and my heart clenched at what lied before me.
Here lies Jadelyn Amber West
A wonderful daughter, friend and girlfriend.
November 16th 1992- June 24th 2011
I told you.
"No..." I whispered, "No no no no no no no no, it's all a lie." I crumpled to my knees never taking my eyes off the cliché tombstone.
"You can't be dead, you're too strong for that remember?" I started to shake uncontrollably, "You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't." I chanted, trying to get the words engraved in my brain.
It didn't work.
I brought my head into my knees, and let the tears soak my torn jeans, "Why did you leave me alone Jade, why?" My voice broke, and I let the sobs rack my body, as the truth finally set in.
The truth.
People always make it out to be the bright light of happiness at the end of a tunnel. Well it sure as hell didn't feel like that now.
The truth is my best friend, my girlfriend, my love and my everything is dead.
The truth is it's all my fault. I didn't save her. I broke my promise to her. "Together forever." I said. Bullshit.
The truth is I'm all alone now.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you babe, I'm sorry!" I wailed, as the pain of all my injuries abruptly hit me with full force. I howled in agony, grabbing at my body, and rocking helplessly on the ground. "Why couldn't I come with you?" I said softly. "I would have babe, I would do anything for you."
I could feel my heart slowly chip away. It wasn't just breaking anymore, without Jade there was no heart to break. With every shutter of my body, it felt like someone had taken a jack hammer to my heart; I could feel it crumble
And yet the sun still shined, the people still laughed, the kids still played. How could they, didn't they see that Jade West was gone?
My sobs slowly turned to teary hiccups, and I tried to heave myself off the ground, and failed miserably. Instead I went into a half kneel and pulled out the necklace, book, and picture.
I stared at each item before placing her belongings from earlier in front of the tomb."You forgot this," My voice shook... my voice...the voice from earlier, both the same; pathetic, weak, and broken
"Goodbye babe."
I closed my eyes, for what I wished was the last time
But this is my life we're talking about. Things don't come that easily.
-/-
It'd been 1 week since I found out that Jade died, and I barely left the graveyard since.
"Morning babe, I had a really weird dream last night, and I got an awesome idea, but I'm gonna need your help, alright?"
I looked up at the tombstone.
I slowly picked myself up from the ground, my limbs still stiff and sore, and walked admiring today's beauty.
"It's a great day isn't it?" I looked over at nothingness.
Luckily my destination was not far from the graveyard, so as we approached I went up to the little shack, and politely said, "1 please."
"Don't worry we can share one." I smiled to my nonexistent girlfriend. "Okay we go to the cluster of rocks over there alright?" I looked back.
"Alright on your mark get set-"
"Go." A distant memory echoed through my mind.
I raced through the roaring water, not phased at all by the strength of the waves.
"Hahah I'm gonna win again." I laughed as I approached the boulders.
I never did stop at them.
Crash.
And at last I wasn't alone.
Okay sorry if that was a little confusing, but the voice Beck hears in the beginning when Jade died was really himself, but he didn't recognize it, since it was so weak and not Beck-like. And the italicized words were like a little voice in his head tormenting him, and the underlined words were memories/flashbacks. So hopefully I cleared that up a little bit :)