Middle Earth Employment Agency – Part 3
"Next!"
14 vertically challenged individuals most of them with hairy faces one with hairy feet.
"Are you all together? –and please don't ask all 'together what?', we had that joke already!"
A lot of muttering ensues but they eventually agree that they are …well whatever the collective noun for 13 dwarves and a hobbit is. At this point the clerk has an idea..
"Can any of you sing?"
…some time later after renditions of 'The Misty Mountain' song, 'Blunt The Knives' and 'The Merry Old Inn' (during which the Irish one with the silly hat walked all over the table) the clerk gets a chance to speak.
"Do you think you could find another dwarf? Because two theatre companies are doing Snow White as their Christmas Panto….And Mr Baggins? We don't approve of thieves here may I suggest you look for another line of work the local zoo is looking for someone in their arachnid section"
"Next!"
Two identical pointy eared individuals who bear a slight resemblance to the cross dressing character who was in earlier.
"And you gentlemen are?"
"I'm Elladan and he's Elrohir."
"Right Mr Elladan…"
"No! I'm Elrohir,, he's Elladan!"
"OK, Mr Elrohir…"
"No! I'm Elladan he's Elrohir!"
Clerk stands up and grabs a handful of each robe pulling the twins in close to her face.
"Now listen up! And listen good! I am not having a good day, and when I am not having a good day I have a tendency to spread the bad day around. I do not, I repeat not appreciate being mucked around by a Vulcan double act. Is that clear?"
She releases the twins who sit down thinking that she could show the eyebrows of doom a thing or two.
"Now you! Left hand twin what do you want?"
"Um actually we were looking for our brother, scruffy guy, big sword…?"
"The guy who would be King?" Yeh, he was in earlier, don't know where he went though, he was a bit upset about his girlfriend."
"Yes that would be our sister."
"So you're telling me your brother has a thing about your sister? Does anything about this strike you as a bit odd?"
The boys open their mouths to explain..
"No please don't bother it's none of my business and if you'll excuse me I have work to do .."
"Next!"
A long scaly creature with smoke coming from its nostrils.
Clerk raps on her desk to get its attention and points to the 'No Smoking' sign.
Dragon manages to look apologetic ( how does it do that?)
"And what can I do for you erm Mr?"
"Smaug, my name is Smaug. I'm a dragon."
"Yes, I'd surmised as much but we don't get many dragons in here."
"I'm not surprised! You really ought to have dragon accessible doors, I had to burn rather a large hole in the wall to get in here."
"I did wonder where the draft was coming from, still it helps to eliminate some of the sulphur smell in here."
"Is there a smell? I didn't notice perhaps it's the drains."
"Yes well, I take it you are seeking employment?"
"I doubt you have anything, it's so difficult, I mean there you are quietly sleeping on your hoard and the next thing you know, it's either knights in shining armour, or little invisible thieves and incidentally it isn't true about the maidens! I don't eat maidens, and even if I did, they're in short supply these days!"
"As it happens Mr Smaug we have two positions which I believe would suit you. The first is as a security guard for a jewellers shop, not quite a hoard but the next best thing. The other thing you might consider is running for political office where an ability to generate hot air seems to be the prime requirement!"
"Next!"