What if the Labyrinth had to go through tests and inspections every time it was drastically changed or re-ordered? When Sarah left the Labyrinth, it was destroyed, and poor old Jareth had to rebuild it. And now it has to be inspected to see whether it's challenging enough for lost wanderers. This was quite a random thought that entered my head when I was watching Labyrinth last night, and this is how it's developed. For those awaiting an update on Calling, it's coming soon, I promise. I'm a terrible procrastinator. Enjoy, and please leave a review.
Labyrinth InspectionWritten by: Xanda
Disclaimer: I don't own Labyrinth (boo hoo).
"Well, my dear friend, what can I say? Whoever was last here did a mighty fine job of destroying every last particle of this place. What did you do, ask her on a date?"
"Very funny," snapped our favourite Goblin King. Jareth happened to be in a sour mood, and his friend and fellow ruler Chadros was hardly helping to rectify things. In fact, thought Jareth shrewdly, Chadros appeared to be enjoying his friend's fate. You see, the famous Sarah Williams had only just left the Labyrinth for normal life, and Jareth was left to pick up the broken, shattered remains of his beloved domain. He had spent centuries perfecting it, and then a slip of a mortal girl had brought it crashing down around him. Yes, it was probably best to avoid Jareth for the time being – something to which Chadros was oblivious. "Now are you going to help me rebuild it or not?"
"Hmm," Chadros picked up a piece of Escher Room step, and surveyed it with mock seriousness. Finally, he threw the piece to one side, and shook his head soberly. "I'm sorry, but this is beyond my area of expertise. I'm a Leprechaun King, not an architect. Besides, I hardly think your Labyrinth would be best pleased to find such a clumsy builder trying to repair your shattered life."
"Thank you very much," muttered Jareth sarcastically. He glared darkly at the broken steps.
"Well," said Chadros in an overly-cheerful voice – he seemed to have picked up on his friend's vile mood at last – "I'd better be off. Can't let the leprechauns get too excited again, ugh. Kindly don't remind me," he added as Jareth managed a smirk. "Oh, by the by, the council says you have three days to get your Labyrinth back in running order. All right, bye!" And grinning at Jareth's open-mouthed expression, he disappeared.
"CHADROS!"
And so it was decided. If Jareth didn't rebuild his Labyrinth in three days, he would lose his title, status, dignity and rights to order around creatures that spent their days urinating into the drinking water. It was with a weary expression that the Goblin King wandered over to the gates marking the entrance to the Goblin City and surveyed what was left of the Labyrinth. He picked up a piece of unidentifiable rubble, and examined it. "There are six hundred and fifty eight possible places for this." Shaking his head angrily, Jareth threw the piece into the rest of the rubble. These were going to be the longest three days of his life.
Half way through the second day, Chadros dropped in again to see how the project was going. He was amazed to see that Jareth had somehow talked the residents of the Labyrinth into helping. Well, "talked" was probably the wrong word. Chadros severely doubted that the creatures had any choice in the matter. Amongst the scurrying creatures stood the Goblin King himself, who was haphazardly throwing smooth crystals around over the rubble. Slowly, but surely, the Labyrinth was beginning to take form again. Chadros, grinning like a Cheshire cat, walked over to where his friend was standing.
"Ah, Jareth! Just the Fae I was hoping to see. Before you say anything," Chadros nervously eyed his friend as Jareth flexed his fingers threateningly, "it was the council's decision, not mine. Besides, you're doing an all right job."
"'All right?' If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were complimenting me. What drags you into my rubbled domain?"
"Ah, yes. Not one for beating about the bush, are you? Well, ehm, you see..."
"I have work to do, Chadros," growled Jareth, watching his loyal servants doing all the work for him.
"Yes. I see. Well, my mole in the council has just told me that if this place is finished in time- I mean, when it's finished!" Chadros added hastily as Jareth's aura suddenly plunged into the deep depths of darkness. "When it's finished, you'll be, umm, test running it, so to speak."
"'Test running?'" Jareth raised an expertly sculpted eyebrow. "I do not wander around like a headless chicken in my own Labyrinth. However, you can feel free to get lost in its passages. I dare say I'd never see you again, something of which I consider a blessing."
Chadros chuckled nervously. His fellow ruler was certainly in a dark mood. "What I meant is that the council will be sending somebody over the day after tomorrow to see whether it's challenging enough. And I know what you're thinking," Chadros waved an admonishing finger at Jareth, a knowing look on his face, "you can't leave them to check it alone, as they'll most likely get lost. You have to go with them. So, if they don't like what they see, you'll be the first to know!"
"What?" Jareth turned angrily to his friend and quickly summoned a crystal, but Chadros had already disappeared. "Curse you and your leprechauns," he muttered darkly. "Back to work!" he snapped at the goblins, who had stopped temporarily to listen eagerly. Jareth threw the crystal at one unfortunate goblin close to him, and said goblin was immediately sent to the Bog of Stench, which had been miraculously restored that morning.
Well, thought the Goblin King, when that council bastard comes, he can do his inspection and then walk head first into the Bog.
On the eve of the third day, the Labyrinth was finally finished. Yes, it wasn't as dark, scary or as twisted as it was before Sarah destroyed it, but it was far more challenging. Jareth sat back and watched with satisfaction as his exhausted minions collapsed onto the floor. If this inspector weren't pleased tomorrow, then the Goblin King would dunk his head into the Bog and leave him in an oubliette with the stench for company.
"Goood morning!" Chadros' terribly cheerful voice broke through Jareth's dreamless sleep. Jareth opened one annoyed eye to see his friend beaming at him. "I must say, you did a good job! It's quite cold, was the temperature drop purposeful, or did your mood spread throughout the entire Labyrinth?"
"You need to take humour classes, Chadros," said Jareth, standing and stretching before his new Labyrinth. "When is that damned inspector arriving? I want to make sure this place is as dark and miserable as possible."
"She's already here, she's at the entrance," Chadros' eyes twinkled. "She's pretty cute, too. Perhaps I could persuade her to move in with me after the inspection."
"Hardly likely," muttered Jareth, whose sour mood was firmly back in place. She? There goes my revenge plan – I can hardly dunk a woman into the Bog. Perhaps the Fireys will have a good time with her. "Let's just get this over with, shall we?" He summoned a crystal, and the two rulers were teleported to the entrance.
The first thing Jareth noticed about the inspector was that she appeared to be human, which was odd seeing as the Fae council had organised the inspection. She had her back turned to the two, and appeared to be surveying the Labyrinth, perhaps seeing if the weather was gloomy enough. Her dark hair was swept into a professional bun, and she had a pencil stuck behind her ear. Jareth wasn't looking forward to this.
"Ah, there you are!" Chadros grinned and started the introductions. "Jareth, this is Miss Williams, she'll be rating your darkness today." The woman turned around, and Jareth almost keeled over. It was her.
"What is she doing here?" Jareth demanded of Chadros. His friend just grinned.
"Nice to see you too," said Sarah, not looking up from her clipboard. She took the pencil from behind her ear, and started making notes. "Ruler of Labyrinth appears speechless – not good when runner asks questions about Labyrinth," she muttered.
For the first time in centuries, Jareth was lost for words. Not only was Sarah Williams back in his Labyrinth, she didn't even seem fazed about it. She was perfectly calm, and did appear to be the real inspector.
"Council decided she was the best one for the job," Chadros muttered under his breath, "as she's the only one to complete the Labyrinth so far. I'll leave you to it, shall I?" Chadros waved, and disappeared yet again. Jareth fumed at the spot where his friend had stood, and then, very reluctantly, turned to Sarah.
"New job," she explained, still making notes on that infernal clipboard. "Oh, and just for the record, you have no power over me, so no purposefully leaving me in a dark and distant part of your Labyrinth. Now then, shall we begin?" Sarah finally looked up, and smiled at him.
Again, Jareth was temporarily speechless. She'd grown, not only physically, but also aged too. How much time had passed aboveground? And shouldn't she fear him? Shouldn't her green eyes be betraying signs of worry and anxiety? All Jareth could see in her orbs was calmness, and a little impatience. Well, some things never changed.
"Yes, let's," said Jareth stiffly, very quickly trying to regain his power. He stalked down the small hillside, and beckoned her to follow him. Behind him, Sarah gave a soft "tut". "What?" Jareth growled, turning to see a disapproving look on Sarah's face.
"May I remind you that this is an inspection? Therefore, you shouldn't be leading me to the Labyrinth. I doubt you would willingly show the runner how to enter the Labyrinth."
"May I remind you," Jareth said angrily, "that you are the one who destroyed my Labyrinth, and therefore that you have no right to tell me how to run my latest design?"
Sarah gave another "tut", and made more notes on the clipboard. Jareth could feel his nerves being grated, and before he did something he would later regret, turned back to the entrance of the Labyrinth.
"For the purposes of this inspection, I'm going to show you how the Labyrinth runs," Jareth spat. "Otherwise, how can you possibly know how well I've rebuilt it?" Sarah merely shrugged, still reading the clipboard, and Jareth, clenching his teeth, opened the door to the Labyrinth. To his horror, he could hear her pencil scratching more notes onto the inspection sheet.
He lead Sarah down the passage, the very one she had traversed first on her run through it all those days (or years, to her) ago, and then stopped at the place where the cute little blue worm had shown her the way.
"You're taking me the way I ran last time?" Sarah questioned, squinting at the familiar non-wall.
"So you can see how it's changed, yes." Jareth answered shortly. The two stepped through the supposed barrier, and when Jareth made to turn left, Sarah stopped him.
"I thought you were taking me down the route I went down last time?" she questioned.
"You turned right?" Jareth looked at her in disbelief. Those that turned right never made it to the castle in time, never. How had she managed it?
"Yes," she said suspiciously. "Why, what lies to the left?"
Jareth continued walking down the right hand passage, and Sarah had to jog to keep up with his strides. "The left? Well, let us put it this way. Had you turned left, you would have followed one path, and one path only, to reach my castle." Jareth took this opportunity to rub in this information, as Sarah's inspection had done nothing for his good humour so far. "However, you blindly and perhaps stupidly followed the worm's advice without questioning it. Therefore you took the difficult path."
Sarah's footsteps were no longer audible, and Jareth turned to find her stood completely still, staring at him in shock. He smirked. "Shall we get back to the inspection?"
Sarah shut her mouth angrily, and again followed Jareth down the passage. "Well," she said tartly, trying to recover, "I can't be that stupid if I followed the difficult path and still made it." That wiped the smirk off his face, Sarah saw to her satisfaction.
Jareth continued leading Sarah through her path. Every now and then she would stop to make notes, and judging by her shaking head and constant "tuts", they were negative. Jareth felt his anger growing – it wasn't easy to rebuild an entire Labyrinth in the space of three days!
The two reached the Bog of Stench. Sarah, very bravely, performed a test sniff, gagged, and then made another note. Jareth smiled. Finally, something she couldn't criticise.
As they reached the forest in which she had had the ballroom dream, she stopped completely, and beckoned Jareth to do the same. "About this dream sequence thing. I have to say, it's unoriginal," she said. Jareth's mouth fell open. "Yes, quite distracting to say the least, but then you stupidly let me regain my memory by sending me straight to the rubbish pile containing my belongings. I wasn't asleep for very long anyway. Perhaps you ought to think about investing in some sleeping pills, instead. They're easily disguisable."
The two traversed the rubbish dump just outside the gates to the Goblin City. Sarah appeared very unsatisfied here, and didn't stop scribbling until they reached the gates. Shoving the pencil behind her ear again, she turned, and surveyed Jareth seriously. "I hope very much that this part has changed. The goblins weren't scary in the least. Yes, they shot powerful weapons, often without dropping them, but I would have been more worried if they had been aiming three feet to my left. They're terrible shots. Training is what's needed here. Either that, or come up with something different."
Jareth's anger had almost reached boiling point. "Might I suggest you spend time training those vile creatures? I wouldn't know you were there if you surrounded yourself with them, you would be indistinguishable."
"Ruler has to resort to cheap vibes to throw off or offend runner," muttered Sarah, who was scribbling furiously. Jareth literally bit his tongue, and threw open the doors to the Goblin City.
The two strode through the city without any problems, something that Sarah didn't miss. Jareth really would have to spend precious money training up his horrific minions. Finally, the castle, he thought in relief. The only thing that had been affected in his castle was the Escher Room, and so his castle hadn't needed work.
"OUCH!" Sarah looked down to see that her foot was caught in a bear trap.
Well, not much work, anyway.
"I thought you weren't supposed to physically injure your candidates?" Sarah asked shrewdly, shaking off the trap with difficulty. Jareth merely smirked; glad he'd caught her off guard, and opened the doors to the castle.
Sarah scanned the area, and made another "tut". Jareth's eye twitched. If he had to hear that noise one more time...
Sarah finished her notes, and jogged up to the Escher Room. To her dismay, only one thing had changed. "You filled the thing with mirrors?" Jareth didn't like her tone – it suggested failure in this particular area. "Oh, wow. That's original. I've never seen or heard of that before." And she wrote what looked suspiciously like a big "X" mark on the clipboard.
"I'd like to see you build an entire Labyrinth in three days," he said scathingly, snatching the finalized inspection results from Sarah's outstretched hand. She smiled sweetly at him.
"Better luck next time. I'm late for my next job." And with that, she vanished.
"Good riddance," snapped Jareth, shaking the piece of paper furiously and straightening it so he could read it.
"Ah, it's over?" Chadros appeared, wearing his trademark smile. Jareth's mood darkened considerably – he really didn't want the Leprechaun King and the whole council to know the results. Hastily, he tried to stuff it down his poet's shirt, but failed to hide it from view. "Excellent," Chadros snatched the paper from Jareth, and started reading it.
Inspection ID: Laby001Location: Underground
Inspector: Sarah Williams
First Appearance: Too cheerful. It was sun shining for goodness sake. A thunderstorm would have added a nice effect. I wanted to feel scared – instead I felt like I was in a pleasant dream. I half expected the Goblin King to burst into song.
Score: 3/10
Ruler's Speech: Missing, apparently. He didn't even threaten me. He didn't even SPEAK. Maybe he should have sent a goblin to greet me. Time limit not even enforced – I could have leapfrogged all the way through and still made it in time.
Score: 0/10
General Labyrinth Atmosphere: Meh, so-so. Walls were half a foot too short, I could almost see the castle from the starting point. Not enough algae and moss growing. Not even enough cracked tiles for me to trip over. So much for my "if you've had an accident at work" claim.
Score: 4/10
Creature Rating: Where'd my worm go? Not only was he cute, but he also managed to throw me off the faster path. Not a cunning move, mister Goblin King. As for the fairies, they're too tame. Make them grow ten feet taller; give them some sugar, and then maybe we're talking. Goblins need training in martial arts and weapons handling.
Score: 4/10 (and that's being generous – NOT A WORD!)
Bog Standard: It reeks. Almost lost my lunch – not good for runner running on empty stomach. It's missing something though – all I could smell was wet rags, raw sewage and those flowers that stink your house out when relatives visit.
Score: 7/10
Castle and Escher Room: The castle decorations are terrible. Why that Goblin King actually lets the goblins live in there is anyone's guess. It needs to be more seductive – I was not feeling trapped in a sexual fantasy. Some dark curtains, a large four-poster bed and maybe some fluffy handcuffs, and then I might have been satisfied.
As for the Escher room, the guy filled the place with mirrors. How unoriginal. They didn't make me sick, dizzy, nauseous, or any of those happy feelings. And the place needed more atmosphere. Again with the sexual desires.
Score: 5/10
Goblin King's Mannerisms: When I was younger, I wanted him to be cruel, seductive and dangerous. Today, all I found was an irritable ruler who almost pushed me into the Bog. Cheater. He also had to resort to cheap vibes to make me feel one of the following: vulnerable, angry, annoyed, hurt, offended. I felt none of these. He also needs to be more threatening. I didn't feel scared or anything – and the Labyrinth just didn't seem like a challenge from his descriptions. And as for that attitude...he's like a spoiled king. And he has no power over me, just for the record.
Score: 3/10
Goblin King's Dress Sense: I could say a lot of things here, however, I'll be brief. There's something been on my mind (and in my face, most of the time). Those pants. My poor innocent eyes were drawn to them just a few times too many. Nobody is that well equipped, so he should stop pretending. Besides, if any young runners were to encounter him, they'd need plenty of therapy. I'm surprised the shorter goblins can see his face over the lump.
Score: 1/10 (for the sexy outfit in the ballroom)
Overall Labyrinthine Effects: Not what I'd expected. I was more scared the last time I was here, and back then my overactive imagination caused some truly terrifying fears. I was more afraid of the large mass resting in the Goblin King's pants than the Labyrinth. He's going have to work much harder to attain a satisfactory, and at least somewhat terrifying Labyrinth. Also, he needs some fresh ideas. The only thing he changed was putting a series of bear traps right by the front gate to his castle (the Escher Room mirrors don't count. That doesn't require any brain power). Quite a poor attempt really - anybody with eyes can see them as they approach. And the only reason I got caught is because a certain Goblin King was distracting me.
Score: 5/10
TOTAL SCORE (need at least 60/90 to pass): 32/90
Chadros quietly looked up from the paper to see Jareth's face. Trying his hardest to keep his face straight, he waved the paper in front of his friend, and then quickly teleported to the council's official business building.
"CHADROS!"