Hey, it's Bree here. This is a fanfic that my bestie Lia and I started FOREVER ago… and I think it's time to bring it out to the public again. We based it off the show "What Not To Wear" on TLC… and this first part is just the host, DRACO MALFOY gay extraordinaire ranting about how everyone is fashion deprived. Tres amusing.
Anyways, we might write more… not sure yet… but review and let us know how you like it! That might influence whether we do write more or not! Yay! We love you guys!
Honey,
Those Robes are Sooo Not Helping Your Figure
Hosted by
Draco Malfoy
I know that most of you know me, and if you don't… you've been hiding in the Room of Requirement a little too long.
I, ladies and gentlemen, and Draco Malfoy—armed and FAAAABULOUS.
Today's show is going to be one where I bitch, bitch, bitch about everyone's wardrobe and how I look SOOO much better than they do. Then, if I feel like it, next week we'll actually try and help the poor lost fashion no-no's get some sense.
Let's begin, shall we?
Mrs. Weasley… I understand you're a Mudblood, but you don't have to dress like one. Those SWEATERS. Ohmagawd, have you seen them? The stitches are everywhere and she uses last years colors EVERY YEAR. Not to mention pairing maroon with red? Honestly, woman, what are you thinking?
The oregano green she uses for Scar head's design are SO not in. I mean, REALLLLLLLLY. Rule number 67.8 under section C3 in the manual clearly states that oregano green should NOT be paired with eyes that are EMERALD. Not to mention that Potter's eyes aren't even GREEN in the movie. They're blue. Honestly.
I get paid to look good. I get paid to help others look good—and I think Mrs. Weasley needs help. If you think her sweaters are bad, look at the clothes she ACTUALLY wears--if you could call them clothes. They're more like dish towels sewn together in a pathetic attempt to make a quilt—but nobody wanted the quilt and Mrs. Weasley with her being poor didn't want to get rid of the fabric. Honey, just because your great-great-great grandmother twice removed owned that frock doesn't mean you have to wear it. You're not honoring anyone's memory—in fact, I'm sure Granny Weasley just turned over in her grave.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT MUDBLOOD NAMED GRANGER. She's a disgrace to women everywhere.
I mean, honey, you've had the same cut for seven years. I don't even think you've had a trim. I've always wanted to tell you—curly hair just doesn't flatter your face, okay? You've got kind of an oval thing going on, so you should really go for the blunt cut.
OHMAGAWD! Have you been to Merlin's Salon? Well, obviously not. Anyway, they will make you look FAAAABULOUS. I saw this completely wretched girl—who actually kinda looked like you—and she turned into like, a total hottie! It's probably out of your price-range, Mudblood, but who knows?
And I have to say that even though you had work on your teeth, they still... well... honey, you look like a deformed beaver. HONEEEEEEEEEY. Dentists. YOUR PARENTS ARE DENTISTS. I mean, obviously you hate yourself because you don't seem to care about your teeth. Bleach is SO in these days. I recommend you try some.
It's strange, because I've never talked about you this much in my life—because you really don't matter—but LISTEN. You have a fabulous body and you should TOTALLY show it off. Boob shirts are something you should think about we'll have to get you a bra that actually makes you look like you have them. Boys love those sorts of things. I'm not into that, but you should DEFINETELY give it a shot. You're ugly, but there's hope.
I mean, I know you're really into that whole… conservative look but that's soooo 1920s. Trust me on this. The only one who could really pull it off is Moaning Myrtle and well, you just don't have her complexion, baby. Maybe you and Mrs. Weasel should talk, I mean, she knits ugly clothes and you buy them.
I think I should move on… yes? Granger's going to have a FIELD DAY when she hears this.
POTTER. If you're going to be in the lime light, you should definitely consider contacts. I mean, I know you have that whole "I'm poor and can't afford anything except crap" look going for you, but everyone knows—AND I MEAN, EVERYONE—that you're rich. DON'T deny it. Those glasses are not flattering your face. You have very angled features, which are in these days (seriously—the magazine Magnolia Merf said so). You should try and show off those pretty green eyes—like I said, contacts. You can change those hideous blue eyes back to the green they should be.
I'd also like to give an honorable mention to your clothes. Baggy pants? Not in style, sweetie. I mean, SURE—if you want to look like a "wigger" as they say in America, then go ahead and wear them. I can tell you that no guy or girl likes that. I DON'T. You look like trash, and don't even give me excuses about how you got the damn clothes from your fat cousin. Everyone already knows the sob story.
I mean, I know that standing next to that Weasel, you automatically look good, but for your own sake: invest in something that actually fits. I mean, no WONDER Cho dumped you.
Speaking of which, have you brushed your hair since then? It looks like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket. Someone buy the boy a comb, since obviously that's one thing Dudley hasn't given you.
Now here's an example of how fashion is a learned trait. My father, Lucius Malfoy, is GORGEOUS. I know what you're thinking: he's got the Malfoy chin, the eyes, the broad upper body—he's like oh-so sexy.
But OHMAGAWD DADDY. I've been meaning to tell you this since I was born: CUT THAT MANE OF YOURS. And you question my sexuality? Ohmagawd, no. You're just as bad as all these other nasty fashion deprived losers who are so in need of Vogue and a stylist. It's bad enough that you walk around with that ridiculous cane with the snake head—you know the one I'm talking about—but black is NOT, and I repeat, NOT this year's pink. Liven it up, babe. Throw in some colour there, like orange, or maybe a nice mango. It will even that skin complexion out in no time! Trust me, Daddy. I'm right about this.
Enough about Daddy, though. It's time to talk about Percy Weaselhead. Where do I begin? I mean, nothing about you is right, from those horrendous glasses to your hair… seriously, even Potter's glasses look better than yours. I mean, how old are you? Twenty or ninety-seven? And those sweaters… AGAIN WITH THE DAMN SWEATERS! It's like this world is overrun by those horrible things. All in favor of burning them, say, "I'm fashionable!"
It's not as if I'm a cruel person. I'm not. But FASHION IS IMPORTANT. Percy, honey, come away from the dark side and start wearing nice fitting jeans. Not those dorky pull up trousers or higher-than-your-waist pants. If you want to be GORGEOUS like me, you have to dress for success.
Which leads me to another one of the Weasels—they're just popping up all over this rant, aren't they? Like I said, fashion is a learned trait…
Ginny, doll. Give up the innocent act. We all know you aren't a virgin. I mean, at least you have sense enough not to mix red with that orange mop on your head, but seriously. Is there any need for you to be drooling all over those Quidditch players? I know they're like to die for sexy, right? What I am advising is for you to at least keep your mouth closed because you have drool on like all of your shirts… which look like they belonged to Granny Weasley. I think she just turned over in her grave again.
Can't you shrink your shirts or something? After all, you are a witch right? I don't know… I don't see much hope in helping you. Let's just hope Scar Head knows how to cover his eyes when kissing you.
I think I need to move on before I vomit.
Professor Minerva McGonagall. I have to say that you're one of the UGLIEST old biddies I've ever laid eyes on in my entire existence. The hats? Horrid. The robes? Ridiculous. I mean, you're elderly, but you COULD try wearing some nice name brand robes. I hear Tommy Hilfiger has a new line out that you could surely benefit from.
And, the last time I checked, you weren't the librarian so enlighten me: what's up with that bun? It's been in exactly the same position since I went to Hogwarts in my first year. Haven't you heard of washing it?
And your ROOTS! Your roots are a dead give away to your age, babe. It's like this murky gray, so I'm guessing... eighty-five? Ninety-seven? Really, with a bit of make-up and some pumps, you could be sooo fresh!
Our last fashion no-no for the day is someone who is no longer among the living: Albus Dumbledore. He was known for his teaching, his philosophical moments, his knack for favoritism, but I have to say—HONEY, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU BOUGHT THOSE HATS? I cannot believe you actually wore those in public.
THEY'RE ATROCIOUS. I'm not sure who told you that those hats looked fab on you, but whoever they were, they should be ashamed of themselves.
The robes were awful, too. I feel like you wore the same exact outfit for three movies in a row… and they were the SAME dingy grey shade. If you could afford to get your beard little ties and trinkets, you could surely have afforded some magenta robes.
And you call yourself one of the gays?
Let me talk about that skin of yours, too. Oil of Olay has a great line of products for battling wrinkles, and it seems that's the only battle you HADN'T fought. These special anti-wrinkle kits are made to make you look fabulous and I am so ashamed that you never took advantage of them.
SALES, honey. You could've gone to a sale at some rinky-dink department store, but NO. You didn't. Maybe you being dead is a good thing for humanity.