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What would you do if the person you loved, who loved you in return, left you for reasons unknown? And although you try to understand, you just can't seem to grasp the reason why…
Would you simply let it be then? And move on, as if it were another relationship in time, or would you stay and fight? Fight for another chance to be within their heart once more? This is a story of two lovers, broken by time… and brought together by fate…
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I do not own SM
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It's All Because of You
(Rated MA)
eM.pHi
I. An Untouchable Memory
Untouchable memories seem to keep haunting me…
a love so true, that once turned all my grey skies blue…
but you disappeared now my eyes are filled with tears…
now that you're gone I just don't know what to do…
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I know what you're all thinking… "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?" but please hear me out :). After reading my stories again during the moments when I was free from Uni work, I was sad (and also a little disgusted) at the lack of me in each chapter. I was contemplating on writing the next chapter with heaps of me in it, but then realized that if I did such a thing, nothing would make sense; the story would no longer flow.
Yes, there were heaps of emotion and everything in the old ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, but reading it caused me to kind of cringe. I'm not an angst person my nature, and therefore found that I had to change this around some way. Therefore after brainstorming, I thought it best to START FREASH! And revise this story from the beginning.
Although there are some similarities, this story is slightly different (you'll see why when you read xD) Please bear with me and enjoy… :)
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I was starring at her at that very moment… watching as crystal cobalt eyes dropped their align vision from mine to stare idly at the dusted floor below us. She seemed cold… distant… like she wanted to be anywhere but near me at this very moment… and that thought broke me into pieces…
Look at me… I pleaded over and over in my mind… just look at me…, but her eyes never moved and the thought of this being a joke starts to fade further and further from my mind. "Look at me…" I whispered, too scared to break the quiet atmosphere that surrounded the both of us, yet still, her eyes seemed to be glued to the ground at my feet rather than look up at my pain stricken face. She said something to me then, it was so gentle… like a whisper within the wind, that if I weren't so focused on her I know I would've missed it…
How I wish I did…
Suffocation… that was what it felt like the moment those words escaped her cherry red lips it seemed to die in the air around us, but it surrounded my like a strong pair of hands curling themselves around my neck… I wanted to walk up to her, shake her back into her senses, yell, scream, holler at her until my voice was coarse and dry, and yet I couldn't… I stood there, feet cemented into the ground as I watched her through my blurred vision… surprised to feel tears soaking my face…
I was crying…
Helplessly, I watched as she stood there looking as beautiful as ever… like an angel sent down from god to heal my soul… but she wasn't healing me… no… she was breaking me… tearing my insides apart… it felt like heavy bricks were pushing itself upon me… upon my soul, my being… and my heart. It was crushing me, crushing me with such a force that it was hard to talk, to breathe… to do anything. My heart began to break, that day… it was shattering into thousands and thousands of pieces… falling like sand between cracks of fingers…
And suddenly I feel my life slowly drain away from me…
"It's over Mamoru… I'm sorry… but it's for the best…"
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A hand waves before my face and I blink in confusion, focusing my eyes, I waited until the image ahead of me sharpened to a beautiful girl sitting before me. She smiles and I can't help but smile return it, even though it was a little half arsed, and the grin didn't exactly reach my eyes as it did hers, it was still a smile nonetheless. The memory that had surprisingly resurfaced from the back of my mind begins to slowly fade and my dream world disappears into nothing but just that. A dream world… a mere memory… where only the harsh truths of reality lies ahead of me.
"Mamoru, are you listening to me?" I give a firm nod of the head, and watch in slight amusement as her posture changes from someone looking slightly concerned at her older brother to looking quite annoyed. I clear my thoughts as well as my throat and give her an apologetic look, trying to soften her hardened face by my pitiful attempt at the puppy dog eyes, "I'm sorry my dear sister, but it seems that my mind is suddenly full of thoughts today, what were you saying again?" Focus Chiba, I discipline myself, stop thinking about the incident from all those years ago! It's in the past, and you haven't even seen her since that fateful day, just forget about her!
Yet even though I try to agree with my screaming mind, scolding me for thinking of such nonsense, I couldn't help but feel my heart lurch in a different wave link. Deep down I knew that my heart just wanted to cling to the last memory that I had of her in my soul… the image of her looking so heavenly and yet so crushed caused the contractions of my living muscle to rip and pull continually over and over again in my body, sending cold shivers up and down my spine… why now after so long have I began to think of her again…? Was this a sign…? Or was god just playing a cruel trick on me again…?
"You've been spacing out lately Mamoru, what's the deal? Did you lose another girlfriend?" my heart cringes at her last line and I feel the pit of my stomach sink to the bottom of my feet, yet I show no emotion but amusement as I take a sip of my wine. In almost an annoyingly slow motion, I watched with half closed eyes as her face hardens even more, if possible as she waits patiently for me to answer. Ignoring her tapping finger upon the table, I let the cold liquid enter my being, and like fire, it spreads through my soul like flames to a wooden house, and alights me with a feeling, of content, even if I felt nothing but emptiness inside…
Chuckling at her ladylike grunt, I lower the glass from my lips and place it steadily upon the table, "you make me sound like a heartless fool dear Rei, I'm nothing of the sought". She snorts and I can't help but chuckle once again, having only been just raised by a high classed family, she knew and acted nothing like how she was meant to, or at least how society pictured people from high class to be. I suppose you get that when you find yourself suddenly thrown from a world you knew, to a world so heartless and cold.
I watched as her hair falls freely from the tops of her head, and down upon her shoulders, it used to be longer, almost to the small of her back, but recently she thought she needed a change, and although I preferred her with longer hair, she still looked as beautiful as ever. Like the woman who had given birth to me, she adored the Chiba trademark of lovely raven hair. Yet unlike me her eyes were the colour of an amethyst pearl, whilst mine adorned the colour of a crystal sapphire blue – seeing how we came from different fathers only caused us to look like nothing of the brother and sister that we were.
"She wanted to move in with me" I said uncaringly, shrugging my shoulders, I try to ignore Rei's eyes as it bores into mine, pretending to take another sip of wine from my quickly empting glass, I try to push the guilt that gnarled at my stomach. It seemed that throughout the years when I knew nothing of a sister existing in my life until now, that only she could make me feel such emotions as happiness, sadness, fear, hope and amusement… such emotions that seemed so useless to me brims over when I'm surrounded my sister…
Although it was a cold slap in the face when I realized my mother had cheated on my father with another man, I couldn't bring myself to hate Rei, nor could I bring myself to hate the woman who had given me life. I must admit, my father wasn't the best of husbands, never showed his emotions to anyone, it was like he locked away his feelings deep within his heart, and threw away the key, scared that if anyone were to find it, he would be destroyed by others criticism…
However, when my father had died, and so had Rei's father, I took both her and my mother under my wing, and only when my mother passed away was the moment I let Rei see my any emotions that I held. And until this day, I still couldn't figure out why I had done so… could it be that her personality reminded me so much of a particular golden hair angel that I had once loved so many years ago? Both girls had a strong and stubborn heart. Their personalities matched with one another with such acuity that I knew if Rei had the chance to meet her, she would understand why I was holding others at arms length from me…
"She was just another girl my dear sister… just another girl…"
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The phone rings and I ignore it on instinct. Silently thanking the man who created the answering machine. Life had gotten so much easier since the installation of my answering machine begun. No longer had I had to get up from an intriguing case to answer the phone, nor had I had to pause a movie when it was at its most exciting to answer the phone… no, now all I have to do is sit back and relax, while the creation that I have slowly began to love does the work for me… how I loved technology…
The machine beeps after my voice rings throughout the hall, and upon interest, I wait, ears pricked as I hear no sound coming from the machine. I turn to it and raise my eyebrows in confusing, almost as if I were questioning it, in the midst of turning back to my work, I heard a soft rustling from the line and scrunch my brows in confusion and slight fear, there is someone there, it wasn't noticeable before, but the light intake and outtake of breaths could be heard. Nerves slowly start to rack my being as I inch closer and closer to the machine. Willing myself that if I were to pull out the phone line then everything would turn back to normal.
Everything would go back to the way it was were I would go back sitting on my chair and scrutinizing over the case study that I had been given by my secretary. The lovely woman, who seemed to be around my age, or a few years younger, enjoyed working long and hard hours, even when her car and clothes shouted otherwise. The moment I had seen her walking through the door, I knew she would do well in this company. Although her Gucci suit and Chanel sunglasses showed me a totally ignorant person, by looking at each stride she had and the air of confidence around her, had me liking her, rather than become intimated.
I suppose another reason why I felt drawn to this lovely lady would also be the fact that I held such an air myself. And within minutes of being introduced, we clicked, starting on a lovely friendship – and even though not a long friendship as it is, considering that she had only been my secretary for about a month now. However my thoughts are broken when I hear dead line on the phone. The mysterious person had hung up and has left me feeling slightly unnerved, and no longer feeling safe in my comfy home. Curse whoever it is for making a normal winter day into something so undeniably out of pattern.
Gathering my things I head out the door, maybe a nice stroll down the block would do some good? Nodding slightly I began my trek, somehow wondering into the life that I once had… to the life that I have now… life has become so repetitive. Another case with another rapist, but I suppose that's what you get when you apply yourself only to family law. Being a woman, I suppose that's what got me to think and act so strongly about it, I feel the need to fight for the rights of children and females around the world who had to suffer under a sick and disturbed man…
Such bastards who dare take the innocence away from a young girl, and scaring the soul of a woman's life, do not deserve to live, let alone set free to rave havoc again in society. And even though I see such views to the opposite sex, I still find myself falling for the worst of men. Men who already have a family, men who are so stricken by the gambling bug that they continually grovel at your feet for money, men who hurt you…
Sighing I wrap the scarf tighter around my neck, the cool winter air, though not so strong, was still biting at my cheeks, causing them to tingle in a burning sensation as my skin tries to warm up the cool surface. Throughout the years I have come to realize that humans are such selfish creatures… we are bought into a harsh reality where death is inevitable and life can not be taken for granted, and yet we still take things we want, thinking nothing of the things we actually need…
We don't realize this… of cause not until we have lost it all… stupid isn't it? when you have nothing, a nobody in society, a lower class, you had everything in the world… a family that adored you, friends that you could spend hours on end talking to… but most of all… you had love. That is until you have become something in life, something worth giving a second glance to… you have nothing at all… there is no love…
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Natarii smiles at me, eyes shinning like amber jewels, they twinkled with innocence in the light that the chandler gave us, and yet I could see the sly, cunning look her eyes held, believing, thinking that she had me already wrapped around her manicured fingers. I curse myself for falling so easily into Rei's puppy-dog-eyes trap, and try hard not to grunt with annoyance and agitation. I know what would be coming next from her mouth, and yet I wanted to be wrong. "I knew you couldn't leave me like that Mamoru…" she whispered in that annoyingly husky voice, "you love me too much…"
I cringe, almost visibly at her word choice. Love… just that simple word no longer seemed to hold such meaning within my mental dictionary. Love to me was just another word, another word in which an old and forgotten life had once held such a strong grasp onto… but not now, never now…
"That isn't it Natarii," I say flatly, hiding all my emotions through my blank face as I took a long and finishing sip of my wine, knowing all too well that I really needed to stop drinking such alcohol if I wanted to stay alive for longer than 30 years of age. My face stayed void of emotions as the glass moved from my lips back onto the table, it was a face I had become used to after so many clients and girlfriends in the past. "I'll admit, you're a beautiful girl, you're smart and well mannered, but I am not ready for a serious commitment, I invited you to dinner tonight to tell you that what I had said the other night was true, it is in fact over." She gasps, and I feel her bewilderment shine through those thick lashes of hers. I stand to leave, placing a few notes onto the table. While gathering my coat I look at her again; she stares at me, wide eyes, knowing all too well what I would be saying next "I hope we could still be friends…"
Walking out the door, I feel her gaze burning into my back, from experience, I know that by turning around and looking at her blushed face in a mix of embarrassment and anger, would only cause her to fly off the racket and attack me in public, forgetting her status as a high class, and abolish me with words of fury and nails of death. Sighing once I was outside into the cool winter air, I run a hand through hair, causing it to become even messier than it naturally was. Just another night with another breakup date, and deep down I knew that although the relationship seemed perfect at first, I always managed to find some flaw, something that didn't seem right with the girl. Whether it is from their too high voice, from their annoying habit of fluttering their eyelashes in a way that they thought was sexual, to which I found utterly agitating, I had no idea…
Although I don't and never have categories myself in the column of playboy, I still feel that my meddling to the female species has placed me in there without my consent. It was not like I never loved those girls because I did. It was just that… love was such a useless word; it was just that, a word. A word that meant nothing really, nothing when there was no feeling within it… I during the first month of a new relationship, I find myself… withdrawn. Somehow nothing seemed right, seemed complete… happy… with those girls. Sure they were all beautiful, with bodies to die for, and the sex was unbelievable, no one seemed to measure up to her…
Somehow it seemed that I had created a psychological block, where no matter how hard those girls tried, how well they treated me, how much they loved me… I'd never let them reach me, reach that level of complete… understanding… love…, and I believed that because deep down, in my heart and soul, I knew that none of those girls would never have as much love from me, as much as her… Ionic isn't it? Strange no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't have my love, couldn't show me as much love as she had done so many years ago… and yet, even though I know that she had left me, I still couldn't bring myself to lower that barrier. She had walked out of my life for no reason… she just left… and yet I still couldn't leave her behind…
With her, it was true love, and how I'd kill for that feeling again, I wanted true love, but true love could never be found… it was an ongoing cycle, of wanting something… being so close to getting it, only to realize that it wasn't even as close to what you wanted in the first place… an ongoing – confusing cycle, she was always in the back of my mind, her name nagging at my soul, slowly eating away the man that I am… sighing once again, I watch as my breath causes a white smoke to form above my face before disappearing until nothing…
Realizing that no matter how hard I tired… she will always be apart of me, she will always be in my heart… the one and only girl who would ever love me… as much as I love her…
Tsukino Usagi…
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Fin.
so yes… that's the first chapter the new REVISED version of ALL BECAUSE OF YOU, please review and tell me what you think! Chapters are a little longer, and more detailed. I promise I wont go back to writing tiny little chapters anymore! Feedback will be greatly appreciated:)
love eM.pHi