Author's Note: I wrote this one-shot for the TMNT Big Bang hosted by theherocomplex. I haven't written or updated anything in a while because I've been going through a lot of Real Life stuff. Just got married, went to Vegas on my honeymoon (didn't win anything, unfortunately), moved from California to North Dakota (by car), and found work (working as a Sales Supervisor at Spencer's Gifts). I'm slowly starting to get back into writing fan fiction, but I'm in no hurry to update anything, because I like taking my time with my work.
This story took a LONG time to write. About two months, mostly because I was trying to get back into the swing of things, and I can't thank the artist, honorsexual-leonardo enough for being so patient with me! If you'd like to see her fabulous work, check out her Tumblr at honorsexual-leonardo. :)
Hope you enjoy the fic!
The air was crisp this time of day, a sharp aroma intermingled with the fresh scent of pine needles and charred oak. Beneath him, the grass felt soft – dew coating the bottoms of his gauze-wrapped feet. And while the sun's glorious rays felt warm and inviting against his bruised and battered skin, it was all a rather foreign feeling for Leonardo, leaning against his crutch, lakeside, when not too long ago he was sloshing through the harsh winters of New York City; the cold winds biting mercilessly at his fingers and toes until they grew painfully numb. Fast-forwarding straight into spring was a nice change of pace, but he couldn't help but feel … out of place. Like an outsider thrust into unfamiliar territory – three months snatched away faster than a snap of his own fingers.
"Feels real different, huh?"
Leonardo spun his head around, panic striking his chest until he realized it was only Raphael, arms crossed while leaning against a nearby oak tree. His heartbeat stilled, fingers curled tightly around his crutch. He silently scolded himself for not hearing his brother's approaching footsteps sooner. Those three months stolen from him must've also stripped away his sixth sense, reducing him to an open target. If he had still been in New York … if Raphael hadn't been Raphael, but….
Leo shook away those thoughts before they had any chance to fester.
"Donnie and Mikey are used to it for the most part," Raphael continued, pushing himself away from the oak tree. "It's alright, I guess."
"Definitely not the city." Leo glanced toward the lapping waters of the small lake, catching glimpse of a flopping fishtail before it disappeared back into the water. He searched the ground for any rocks he could throw into the lake but couldn't find any nearby. Nothing but dirt and twigs and little patches of baby grass.
"It's different, but not unwelcoming," Leo said with a light smile, allowing the gentle winds to kiss his face. "Definitely gonna take some time to get used to though, especially with this stupid thing holding me back."
He motioned at the crutch held beneath his armpit, glaring at it like it was the cause of his fatal injuries. He saw Raph follow his gaze, his expression strained and lips taught, but he turned away when he noticed Leo was staring at him. Grunting inaudibly, he slapped a hand atop Leo's shoulder, his grip gentle and very unlike his usual firm holds; ones that held strength and power beneath his fingertips. This one was soft. Careful. Almost like he was petting a baby rabbit. It felt completely out of character for his hotheaded brother, but Leo tried not to pay too much attention to it.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, Fearless Leader," Raphael said with a grin. "Right now, you should take it easy."
Leo flashed his brother a rather confused look, his expression a little thrown off. Wasn't it just a few hours ago Raph was saying that he was going to help him get back into shape? Sure, he would have to hold back some with his injured leg, but with proper exercise and mobility, he should be back to normal in no time.
He rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling uncertainly. "Uh, yeah … right. I should still be good with a little light training, just to work out my muscles a bit while they start to recover. Maybe a small hike through the woods?" Smiling playfully, he brushed his knuckles against Raph's shoulder in a light punch. "Y'know, if you're up for it."
Raphael paused, eyeing Leo with a look the katana-wielder wasn't quite sure of. But then he looked – really looked – at his Raph's face. The tired expression. The heavy bags under his eyes. Had Raph been getting any sleep ever since he woke from his come? He knew his brother wasn't getting much sleep while he was in recovery the past three months, but now that Leo was able to function again, the burden should be less substantial for Raph and everyone else. So why did he look so drained? So out of focus that he might as well be a walking zombie?
"Raph, have you…" He paused, choosing his words carefully. An awake and fully functional Raph was already easy to piss off, so if he wasn't getting any sleep for whatever reason, Leo had to make sure he didn't say anything out of bounds that would cause his brother to explode into a cranky, irritable rage. "Uhh, you're not … I mean, are you, uh…"
Raphael scrunched his face in confusion, his eyes narrowed impatiently as Leo continued to fumble over his words. It wasn't long though until he realized what it was Leo was getting at and he let out a tired, almost strained chuckle. "Yeah, I know, I look like hell, right?" He rubbed his eyes mercilessly before letting out a short yawn. "Casey already informed me with that little detail. Said I'm one sleepless night away from lookin' like the Walkers from The Walking Dead. Asshat."
Leo was at a loss for words, trying to understand what it was his brother was telling him. He blinked slowly. "So … you're not getting any sleep?"
His answer came a little quicker than Leo was expecting. "Just, my bed's a little hard to get comfortable in, y'know? Believe it or not, dozin' off on a little stool's lot more comfortable than tryin' to sleep on that rock of a bed. Probably hasn't been broken in for years."
He was rambling, a characteristic Leo would expect from Donnie and Mikey, but not Raph. Raph was usually straightforward with his words, expressing himself through short-tempered shouts and swears before he would storm off to his room or journey topside. Quick and simple was Raphael's game, while occasionally fumbling over his words whenever he would muster up the courage to apologize for something he had said or done. He hated dragging out the situation, because it meant dealing with the problem longer than he deemed necessary. Despite Raph always giving Leo grief for ducking and running away from battles he knew him and his brothers couldn't handle, Raphael was the exact same way when it came to confrontation. Go in, sputter an apology, and then get the hell out. This was all very new to Leo and he wondered how could so much have changed in the span of only three months?
Nevertheless, he decided not to dwell on it too much, thinking Raph would confront him about his sleepless nights in due time or just come to terms with it on his own and go back to normal without telling anybody a thing. Raph was a very private person when it came to his feelings and sometimes all he needed was his own space to focus on his problems before he went back to being his usual, grumpy self. One could never tell how the hothead was going to choose to deal with his problems, whether they be taking to the streets on his own – or with Casey – and beating the crap out of robbers and gangbangers, or just locking himself in his room and throwing around a couple of things before he plopped himself on his bed and just grumbled to himself. Leo never 'poked the bear', so to speak, because it only made the situation worse – and mostly because he was usually the reason why Raph was always in a sour mood. So he let it go, allowing his brother to come to him rather than pestering him about what was bothering him.
No matter how strange or out-of-character he was acting right now….
"So, is this your way of telling me I'm better off sleeping in the tub the rest of the time we're here?" Leo asked with a chuckle, referring back to Raphael's supposed uncomfortable mattress. He wanted to promptly change the subject of why his brother hadn't been getting much sleep after he had awoken from his coma and it seemed to do the trick, causing Raph to motion him back towards the farmhouse so they could discuss the new sleeping arrangements.
"I'm tellin' ya now, you ain't gonna wanna share a room with Mikey. April's got him doin' most of the farm work, so he gets up pretty early."
Leo paused mid-step, raising a questioning eye ridge. "Uhm, have you forgotten I would always be the first one up back when we stilled lived in the sewers? Master Splinter had me be the one to wake you guys up every morning to make sure you made it on time for training."
"Yeah, but just 'cuz Mikey wakes up early doesn't mean he enjoys it," Raphael pointed out, hopping over a thick, protruding tree root.
"Gotcha," Leo said, taking his crutch and pressing all his weight onto it cautiously before hoisting himself onto the tree root. He balanced himself carefully, making sure he was steady before lowering his crutch back onto the ground. At that moment, Raphael had stopped walking to make sure Leo made it off the tree root safely, but the evident silence was making Leo rather uncomfortable, thinking, for some reason, that Raphael was judging him for going so incredibly slow just walking over a tree root. It warmed his cheeks, making him feel embarrassed and, almost inadequate, so he wet his lips and continued to talk, trying to get Raph to focus on something else other than watching him struggle with something so basic.
"S-So, you and Casey share a room?" Leo asked, his 'good' leg already beginning to convulse slightly from the amount of pressure he was putting on it. He needed to transfer his weight onto the crutch so that he could ease his way down, but it was becoming difficult to find a steady position without the end of the crutch slipping across the dew-coated grass. Inwardly, he cursed himself, but he tried to keep his face calm and collected so Raph wouldn't notice.
His hotheaded brother shrugged nonchalantly. "Kinda, I guess. I didn't do much sleepin' in the bedroom while you were out cold, so it's more Casey's room than our room." He waved his hand as if shooing off a fly. "He can have that dump. Keeps it clean 'bout as well as Mikey keeps his own-"
"Auugggh!" Leo cried, his good leg bucking on him before he toppled to the ground, crutch completely leaving his hand.
He doubled over in a fetal position, cradling his bad leg as it started to throb angrily. His eyes were screwed shut, but they immediately opened the second he felt Raph hovering over him, his eyes swimming with fear.
"Leo! Shit, are you okay? D-Don't move, okay? I got this, just don't move."
"Raph, what're you…?"
He stopped, eyes focused on his brother as he cradled his leg. A dirt-covered scrape covered the area where his kneepad would normally be, oozing fresh blood. It looked no serious than just an average cut him and his brothers would normally get when they were younger from tripping over various objects in the sewers; back when their Lair was nothing more than a work in progress and garbage laid strewn across the floor. To be honest, Leo wasn't expecting Raph to do much to his knee with how tame it looked. Just look over it and tell him he was fine, that he needed to stop being such a pansy and get back on his feet. But that was not the case. Instead, Raph sunk his teeth into the gauze wrapped around his hand and pulled, tearing it off and unravelling it quickly before taking both ends and ripping them down the middle.
He set aside one end of the bandage, getting up and rushing toward the lake. He soaked the gauze, wringing it out, and then rushed back. Confused, Leo watched Raph work hastily, brushing away at the dirt and little twigs until his knee was clean. Satisfied with his work, Raph set aside the dirty end of the gauze, taking the clean end and wrapping it around Leo's knee, his focus steady and fingers nimble. He worked with haste, his eyes still wild and flitting back and forth, like he had just witnessed Leo snap his leg in half rather than just scrape it.
"There," Raph breathed, snapping Leo back into focus, his knee firmly bandaged as if Donnie had wrapped it himself.
Normally Raph wasn't so careful when it came to bandaging wounds – if he ever bandaged them at all. But the handy work he did on his knee was rather impressive, even for something so small that would probably take less than a week to heal completely. Still, Leo couldn't ignore the way Raph had acted over his fall. After all, it was just a scrape.
"Uhh, thanks," Leo said slowly. He reached for his crutch.
"Here, let me help-"
"I got it." Leo snapped, his hand still reaching for the crutch. He could tell Raph was holding in his words, the tightness in his lips pressing uncomfortably together to the point where they quivered. Leo was seriously expecting for him to snap, but Raph stayed quiet, letting Leo reach for the crutch without a single protest.
Raph's gaze remained solely on the ground. "S-Sorry," he muttered. He hooked his thumbs inside his belt, his head tilted toward the lake, avoiding Leo's gaze. For a moment, Leo was quiet, his eyes softening, mind still processing the events that have transpired. But before he could say anything, Raph cleared his throat, his shoulders shrugging and head shaking quickly back and forth. Fidgeting.
"C'mon, let's go see if we can convince Mikey to ditch his room so you got somewhere to sleep tonight."
"Raph, I-" But his brother was already brushing past him, his feet moving in quick strides toward the farmhouse, not even offering a second glance.
The smell of ramen noodles wafted through the kitchen, the warm, simmering broth drifting teasingly through Leonardo's nostrils.
He sat patiently at the dining table, fingers tapping away at the wooden furnish while he rested his cheek against his palm. "You know, I could've made my own bowl. You didn't have to make it for me."
Raphael shrugged his shoulders, setting the fork aside and lifting the steaming pot off the stove. "You ain't even supposed to be eatin' this stuff anyway. Donnie'll kill ya if he saw you makin' yourself a bowl of ramen. Think of it as me takin' the heat for ya."
"I appreciate the offer." He watched his brother pour the noodles into his bowl, the smell of the chicken-flavored seasoning making his stomach rumble. "But you really didn't have to. This crutch may hold me back some, but I can still do simple things like make my own lunch."
"Baby steps, remember?" Raphael said with a light smile. "We don't want ya overexertin' yourself right after you just woke up. Give yourself a day or two to get back in the swing of things before you start figurin' out your limitations."
Leo didn't know what to say to that. A part of him wanted to point out the fact that if Raph kept babying him the way he was doing, he would never figure out what his limitations are, let alone learn to get better. He knew Shredder had taken quite a toll of his body, battering him bad enough to the point where his voice sounded different – according to Casey. Still, Leo couldn't help the nagging feeling in the back of his mind telling him that he should be grateful. After all, Raph wasn't exactly the first person he expected to be so quick to help when it came to his injuries.
He set the bowl in front of Leo, fork at the side while he took a seat for himself; arms folded and legs extended. Raph still looked pretty beat from earlier this morning back at the lake, eyes half-open and shoulders taut. While it was still a mystery as to why Raph wasn't getting very much sleep, Leo found it more interesting to figure out why his brother was acting so … generous of a sudden. Contrary to the nagging part of his brain, he wasn't being ungrateful – not in the slightest – but the amount of effort Raphael put in making sure Leo was comfortable was actually getting on his nerves quite a bit. After all, he wasn't helpless. Nobody else had treated him any differently since he awoke from his coma, so why was Raph going out of his way to make sure he was always glued to his hip whenever he needed something done? Did he feel guilty? Was he upset that he wasn't there by his side to help him fight off the Shredder in the beginning? Was he angry at Leo and using this sort of mother hen act as a weird way to get back at him?
…Or did Raph finally lose faith in him for not taking down the Shredder back in New York?
No. No, of course not. He had pushed himself to his greater limits fighting Shredder's army of foot ninja and Rahzar, Fishface, and Tiger Claw. He had awakened the fury inside him that tapped into his fight-or-flight instincts, pushing his body until it pretty much screamed for rest. But he didn't rest. Leo fought bravely and nearly died with honor knowing that he did everything in his power to avenge Master Splinter and Karai; wherever she was. He brought no shame to his family and no shame to himself, so Raph had no reason to think little of him for something that he fought adamantly to accomplish.
But you still failed, Leo thought harshly to himself, wondering if Raph or even the rest of his brothers thought differently of him because he didn't come back to them victorious. He was their leader; the glue that held their team together. Whatever faith they held towards him before was now crushed by the Shredder's victory, broken and managled between the enemy's fingers. What amount of honor was there losing one's own life to the enemy and being tossed precariously like a sack of garbage right at his family's feet? He failed them and because of that, they all probably thought Leo was some helpless turtle in crutches now, unable to do anything for himself because of his injuries.
He was nothing. Not even worthy enough to be called a ninja anymore.
He was a failure.
Gritting his teeth, Leo looked up at Raphael, gaze cold and eyes smoldering. "I'm surprised you're not feeding it to me too," he spat, words oozing like poisonous venom. "With everything else you've been doing for me, are you sure feeding myself is something I'll be able to handle?"
"What?" Raphael shot him a confused glare, his arms unfolding as he leaned in closer. "Leo, what the hell are you-"
"Yo, Raph!" Casey yelled from the front door, his voice booming loud and clear all the way through the kitchen. "Hey, we started training ten minutes ago! Aren't ya comin'?"
His gaze flitted toward the door, but his mouth never opened to give Casey an answer. Looking back at Leo, Raph could see the betrayal in his eyes, lips firm and fingers curled into tight fists. He wasn't quite sure what was going on or why Leo was acting this way, but a part of him – the part that wanted to ask Leo what the hell his deal was – fell silent.
Seconds passed and for a while, nobody said anything, the tension in the room heating up faster than Leo's untouched bowl of ramen. Without a second thought, Leo stood up from his chair, eyes still locked hard on Raphael before he called over his shoulder with a wicked grin. "Yeah, we are, Casey. Both of us. We'll meet you out there in a second."
"Are you insane?" Raphael growled, his hands slamming hard on the kitchen table. "Leo, you can barely walk. What the hell makes ya think you can go out there and train with the rest of us?"
"Why don't you follow me outside and find out for yourself?" Leo spat, crutch tucked securely underneath his armpit.
"Leo," Raph said slowly, his voice quivering even though he tried oh so desperately to keep it from doing so. "I don't know what the hell your deal is, but I am not lettin' you go outside and train with us. You're gonna get yourself killed."
"'I'll have you on your feet in no time, bro'," Leo mocked with a sneer. "Remember that, Raph? Remember that promise you made the first day I woke up? What happened to that promise now?"
"Leo, this is different."
"How? How is this any different, Raphael? I'm still in the same condition I was the day I woke up. Same condition, same potential. Did you all of a sudden lose faith in me or something?"
"Leo-"
"Answer me!"
His eyes widened, taken aback by the forcefulness of Leo's words, the sound of his quiet, heavy breathing now becoming the only sound in the kitchen. The only sound Raphael could hear. It felt so unnatural standing at the other side of the argument, watching the sanity slowly slip between the cracks of Leo's normally firm grip, a feral blaze flickering wildly in his eyes.
For a second, neither of them said anything, Leo's breaths slowly dying down to one frustrated grunt. He stared straight at Raph, noticing the slight shake in his shoulders and for a second, Leo wasn't sure whether they were shaking out of anger or out of nerves. Yes, Raphael looked about as pissed off as he could get, but there was something beneath those tired eyes that didn't project rage or hostility. No … they projected fear.
"Fine." He pushed himself out of his chair, walking past Leo with a hard, rough brush of his shoulder. "One on one. You and me. Let's see if Shredder really is the only one that can knock you off your ass."
Four pairs of worried eyes greeted Leo as he followed Raph onto the front lawn near the tall oak tree. Though he was still on edge from the spat in the kitchen, he still couldn't help but feel a wash of humility overpower the rage, his head bowed so as not to see the looks on everyone's faces. When Raphael stopped, Leo watched him pull out his sais and twirl them in the familiar fashion he always did when prepared for battle, cracking his neck and rolling his shoulders to get his body ready.
Inwardly, Leo smiled. So he wasn't going to hold back. Good.
"We're using our weapons, huh? You sure I can handle it?"
"Just shut up and draw your blades, Leo," Raphael snapped, positioning his body with his arms bent at an angle.
Before Leo could set aside his crutch, Donnie quickly stepped in the middle and intervened with a wave of his arms, his head shaking wildly. "Woah, woah, woah! Are you two insane?" He shot a look towards Raph. "Raph, Leo's in no condition to even spare hand-to-hand let alone with weapons. What on earth are you think-"
"Stay out of this, Donnie," Leo barked, but his brother had no intentions of moving. Before he could force Donnie to move out of the way, Mikey stepped in, his steps slow and cautious.
"C'mon, dude, you're gonna get yourself hurt. Why don't you just sit and watch and when you're leg feels better, you can spare with us."
"This fight is between me and Raph," Leo said slowly. "Nothing you two say is going to change my mind, so please, step aside or we'll take this sparring match somewhere else."
Donatello shot him a weak glare, his posture straightened as he held his ground, his eyes showing Leo that he was challenging him to go through with his word. Mikey on the hand looked frightened as he slid a glance towards Raph, his voice merely above a squeak. "Raph?" His eyes were pleading, silently begging his brother to call this whole sparring match off, but Raphael stood firm. Mikey's shoulders slumped, defeated.
"Don't make me have to take you two down as well," Raph warned, the grip on his sais tightening. "Like Leo said, this is between me and him."
"But-"
"Donnie." April stepped in, her hands resting gently on the tops of his shoulders. With April, she didn't have to say anything in order to get her point across. Just a mere look and Donnie understood her reasoning. It was a bond the two formed that impressed Leo at times, because he never thought he or any of his brothers would ever form a bond like that with anyone else, let alone humans. And at a time like this, Leo was grateful April was here to influence his brothers to step aside and let him and Raph deal with their disputes. Because sometimes, it took fists rather than words to get one's point across.
"Draw your weapons," Raphael ordered, bouncing on the balls of his feet impatiently.
Doing as he was told, Leo straightened his posture and threw his crutch to the side, the weight on his injured leg causing it to convulse slightly. He could feel the pain shoot across his body like a jolt of electricity, but he quelled his mind into suppressing the discomfort, rejecting the urge to wince or whimper. Fingers curling and uncurling, he reached behind his shell and unsheathed his weapons, drawing them at the ready while still flinching at the sight of the one broken katana. Nevertheless, he shook those repressing memories of the past and kneeled before his opponent, bending his one good leg.
"Onegai shimasu."
Raphael chuckled. "Yeah, whatever you say."
Waiting for him to stand, Raphael charged at his brother with his sai extended forward, the clash of metal against metal echoing vibrantly through the rustle of the leaves. Making sure he wasn't putting too much pressure on his bad leg, Leo twisted his body and sent the pressure on his other leg, pushing forward and circling his opponent. He searched for an opening, finding one immediately in Raph's exposed upper torso and charged forward, spinning on his heel and drawing his leg forward. Acting quickly, Raphael managed to catch his foot, stopping it from connecting with his plastron. Grinning wickedly, he twisted Leo's ankle and watched him spin out of balance, his body hitting the ground in a loud thud. Biting back the pain, Leo glanced over his shoulder and shot Raph a glare.
Raphael merely chuckled. "Down for the count already? We're just gettin' started, Fearless."
"Oh, I'm not done yet," Leo answered, picking himself up and readying his stance. But before he even had time to come up with a line of attack, Raphael was already lunging toward him with a sailing high kick. With barely enough time to brace for impact, Leo held up his arms and skidded across the grass once he was hit, but Raph wasn't done there. Landing on his feet, he quickly spun on his heels and lowered his body, leg extended forward in a sweeping kicking. His foot connected roughly against Leo's ankle, knocking him clear off his feet and sending him flat on his face once again, this time his leg now radiating a hot, throbbing spurt of pain. He could hear somebody yell out Raph's name but he wasn't sure who, the agony in his leg drilling needles into his subconscious thought, to the point where all he could think of was ow, ow, ow.
But he wasn't done. He wasn't ready to call it quits.
Not yet.
"Just stand down, Leo," Raphael told him as he picked himself up, his breath drawing out in quick, ragged puffs. "If you're tryin' to prove somethin', it ain't workin' very well. Call it quits."
"Why? So you can continue treating me like I'm some worthless failure?"
"I'm only tryin' to help!" He clenched his sai, brow furrowed in hurt frustration. "You don't have to be such an asshole about it."
"Well maybe the only reason I'm being an asshole is because you think I can't do anything for myself anymore. Face it, Raph, you've lost respect in me ever since the fight with Shredder."
"What?!" Raphael shrieked, too taken aback to even realize it. "Shredder broke you, Leo. We thought we all lost you, so the second you wake up, you expect us to go about our lives like nothing happened?"
"Everyone else has…" he flitted a glance at the remainder of his family, tone lowered to a cold, dark whisper. "Why can't you?"
That did it. He wasn't sure whether he saw a flicker of emotion flash in Raphael's eyes, but Leo knew he ignited something. Something within him that snapped, causing Raph to drop his sais straight to the ground. Readying his stance, Leo waited for his brother to charge, his eyes flickering every which way and that, trying to predict Raphael's line of attack. But nothing happened. For a while, he just stood there, shoulders square and body motionless, his eyes never unlocking with Leo's own confused stare. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity and forever, Raph chuckled, the tops of his shoulders shaking just a tad before he shrugged Leo off and turned away.
"So that's how it's gonna be? Fine. You win. I forfeit."
"What?" Leo was taken aback, lowering his katana before drawing them back up in a fierce growl. "So you're just going to walk away? Come back and let's finish this. Raph! We're not done here!"
"Yes, you are."
He glanced behind him, a rushing impact knocking Leo straight in the abdomen, the wind quickly leaving his body. He doubled over in one harsh grunt, his katana dropping right beside him. But before he could mouth anything off to his attacker, he felt a firm grip tighten around his chin.
Fierce, smoldering blue eyes pierced straight into his very soul.
"Before you go out of your way trying to prove whatever point you have, Leo, let me point something out to you." She jabbed him with her pointer finger, a line of force Leo had no idea April possessed until that very second. "I just took you down with one, simple attack. Just one! Now I know I'm not some helpless teenage girl like I was before I met you guys, but I'm still not even close to your skill level yet. And I took you down, Leo. So what does that say about you?"
"I … April, I-"
He couldn't form the words, mostly because he was still flabbergasted at the way April came at him with such force, taking him fully and utterly by surprise. Normally he would've been able to sense her coming, feel her presence and block her attack before she even had time to finish it. But yet, here he was – on his knees with her fingers gripped forcibly on his chin, constraining him to answer her question when he honestly didn't have an answer for it.
No. No, that's not it. You just don't want to face the truth….
"Believe it or not, Raph was going easy on you, Leo," April told him, releasing his chin in an unforgivable jerk. "He could've taken you down in one simple attack like I just did, but instead, he let you put up a fight. He knocked you down, but you still got back up. You may think it's honorable and brave, but really, it's stupid and idiotic. You're injured, Leo. Are you trying to make it so you're body never allows itself time to heal?"
"No," Leo finally answered, his body still kneeling motionless on the ground.
"Then what?" April asked. "What is it that you were trying to prove here?"
"That I'm not worthless!" Leo snapped, his teeth clenched to the point where his jaw started to hurt. "You guys have all been treating me the same. Like I'm still the same Leo even before the invasion of New York. But Raph … Raph doesn't treat me the way you guys do. He baby's me, like he's lost faith in whatever I was able to do before the accident. He sees me differently, April."
"Yeah, you know why?" She stood hands on her hips like a mother ready to scold her child. "Because out of all of us that watched you recover, Raph was the one that had to deal with it the most. Remember when I told you that he never left your side?"
"Yeah."
"That was three months, Leo. Three long, agonizingly slow months that Raph just sat there and watched as you never moved, spoke, or even flinched. Can you imagine what was probably running through his head all that time? At least we all kept ourselves busy, burying ourselves in remedial tasks and chores to help keep our minds off of what Shredder had done to you. But Raph, he didn't have anything. Just that constant reminder of what you had done and the consequences bestowed upon you. He thought we were really going to lose you, Leo. He thought … he thought you weren't going to make it."
He could feel April's words slice straight through his heart, a metaphorical stab that held all too real emotion. It hurt, way worse than the discomfort shooting across his leg, only this type of pain left a lingering amount of guilt. So that's why Raph hadn't been able to sleep since he woke up from his coma. That's why he was going out of his way to make sure he was always there by his side. Not because he had lost faith in him, but because the fact that he very well could've lost one of his brother's scared him so much that it left a powerful stamp of anxiety marked in the back of his mind.
"So I was right," Leo whispered. "Raph does see me differently. Only…"
"Only because he's afraid he's going to lose you again," April finished. She offered him her hand, helping Leo back to his feet while Casey handed him his crutch and grabbed his katanas. To the side, Leo could tell Mikey and Donnie were doing their best trying not to scream, 'We told you so!' right into his face, but Leo felt as though he deserved every nagging comment they could throw at him. Right now wasn't the case, however. Right now, he had to go find Raph.
The waves glinted beneath the setting sun, like sparkling diamonds or the glittery polish he once saw April paint on her nails back when she lived with them in the sewers. It was a sight unlike any other, mostly because Raphael hadn't spent too much time outside these past couple of months. These neck of the woods, so to speak, were probably like second nature to his brothers and Casey and April. Nevertheless, Raph still basked in Mother Nature's beauty, watching in awe as the waves lapped over one another in a calming, randomized pattern. He may have hated the change in environment before, but now, Raphael was certain it was things like the lakeside view or the surrounding trees that seemed to go on for miles that he was going to miss the most when they eventually journeyed back to New York.
That is, if they ever made it back, with the way things were turning out now.
Snapping out of his thoughts, Raphael immediately glanced over his shoulder, the sound of a twig snapping putting him on high alert. As he turned around, he felt a small rush of wind graze his cheek by a few inches. There was a soft thwip and before he knew it, one of his sai jutted out of the dirt right by his thigh, the shiny metal gleaming meticulously with the sunlight.
His brow furrowed. "If that was meant to hit me, then your aim is almost as bad as your fightin' skills, Leo."
His brother chuckled, crutch at his side as he slowly climbed over the roots of the surrounding trees. "Don't worry, I wasn't. I may be a little off when it comes to sparring, but I can still aim just as well as the rest of you guys. Maybe even better."
"Pfft, don't flatter yourself, Fearless," Raphael snorted. He turned his attention back to the lake, not saying a word when Leo approached his side and sat right next to him. For a moment, Leo wasn't sure what was going on through Raphael's head, wondering if what he said back at the farmhouse was still fresh in his brother's mind. He didn't seem all too bothered at the moment, but if Leo knew anything about his temperamental brother, it was that he could go from calm to boiling with rage in two seconds flat. It was all a matter of using the right words.
He took a shot in the dark. "I had a talk with April. About why you probably stormed off."
Those, apparently, weren't the right words to start off with. "I don't wanna talk about it."
"But we need to talk about it, Raph," Leo explained. He noticed the sai still jutting out from the dirt and started fingering the handle, giving himself a little distraction. "I don't … I wasn't in the right set of mind to fully understand what you were trying to do. I just, with the whole invasion of New York and the battle with the Shredder … I thought … I thought you had, I don't know, maybe lost faith in what I could and couldn't do."
"And what in the hell gave you that crazy idea?" Raphael asked. Leo hadn't noticed it before, but his brother was sitting with his legs bent and hugged against his plastron, his head tucked in so that it poked just barely out of his shell. It was something he noticed only Raphael did, mostly whenever he was under great amounts of stress or just didn't want to deal with confrontation. This was one of those situations.
Wetting his lips, Leo continued to play with the handle of his brother's sai, digging it out of the dirt and now holding it in his hands. The metal tip winked at him encouragingly. "Every time I tried doing something for myself, you were always right there to tell me no. 'I'll handle it'. 'Let me take care of that'. 'Don't strain yourself too much, Leo'. It got on my nerves and for a second, I thought it was because you figured that I was damaged beyond repair. That I was incapable of reverting back to the leader you guys looked up to."
"Boy, were you wrong," Raphael retorted, finding a small pebble at his feet and poking at it with his toe. "I mean, it's not that I saw you any differently, Leo. It's just-"
"But you did see me differently," Leo interrupted. "I could've died back there, Raph and you know it. You were probably the only one that actually played that scenario in your head while I was decommissioned. For three months, I was motionless and when I finally woke up, I wanted to get right back in the swing of things without taking a minute to slow down and allow my body to heal at its own pace. I was in way over my head and that … that probably scared the hell out of you."
The leaves rustled in the gentle breeze that brushed past them, a lingering silence that Leo couldn't tell was either soothing or uncomfortable. For Raph, it was the latter, causing him to fidget where he sat, his body shifting awkwardly as he tried to fish for the right words.
"D'you know how hard it is sittin' there wonderin' whether your brother's gonna make it out alive or not? Donnie told us to stay positive, like he was so sure you were gonna power through this. But I could see it. I could see the doubt in his eyes and that not only made the situation all the more real, but more … I dunno know…"
"Fucked up?" Leo offered, hoping it would rise a chuckle out of Raph, but it didn't. Instead, he kept fidgeting where he sat, his face twisted into something that mixed with both apprehension and discomfort. For a second, Leo wanted to just reach out to his brother and let him know that he was here – that things were going to be alright again. But it wasn't that simple.
"I was prepared to see it happen," Raph continued, his arms shaking out of his own accord. "I was ready for the day that Donnie came up to check on ya and realized that you no longer had a pulse. I was expectin' you to die, Leo. Even though I didn't want it to happen, I was expectin' you to not make it. So when you did – when you finally woke up and Donnie told us you were gonna be alright – I was … I was relieved. But I still couldn't help but think that you were just gonna one day fall to pieces. That you were gonna overexert yourself and send your ass back into comatose. Or fall wrong or eat the wrong thing or whatever. Yes, I saw you differently after the fight with Shredder, but it wasn't because I had lost faith in your ability to hold your own in a fight. It was because I thought Shredder had bent you too far and if you pushed yourself too much in a fight, then you were just gonna … you were just gonna … snap."
That last word came out as a choked whimper, a sound Leo wasn't familiar hearing from Raph, the toughest of his brothers. He was hesitant in the beginning, but not anymore, reaching out with both arms and bringing his brother close to his plastron, his hands moving up and down his arms in a soothing gesture to quell their nervous shakes. In the past, before the Shredder, before the Kraang, and even before April, Raph would shy away from comforting gestures such as this, wriggling himself free and scolding Leo for even touching him in such a way. But in a moment such as this, battling constant stressors such as fear of loss and harsh words, Raphael allowed himself to unleash his emotions in a way he didn't do very often. Through tears; tears that Leo wasn't hesitant to wipe away.
"That fight with Shredder did more than just put me in a coma," Leo spoke, his words hovering just above a whisper. "Even though I was the one that took the hit, the damage lingered onto you as well, Raph. Not physically, but emotionally, and I was too stubborn to see that."
He felt Raph's shoulder's jump, thinking he was trying to hold in his sobs, but found out it was a smal, weak chuckle. "Ain't that usually my job?"
Leo smiled. "We're both a little broken, Raph. But I promise you, as long as we're here, we'll do everything we can to fix each other. No matter what, remember?"
His brother looked up at him with shiny, wet eyes, though the sadness was no longer there. Leo offered him a smile, holding out his hand, which Raphael cupped with his own in a determined grin, an excited chuckle escaping his lips.
"Yeah. No matter what."