Disclaimers: All characters belong to J. K. Rowling. Flamers will be locked in the dungeon with a vengeance-crazed Snape.
Additional Notes: This is a work of satire. Anyone who feels they have been personally insulted by this: Don't worry, it wasn't personal. The Crack Monkey dislikes gratuitous porn that is that drastically out of character.
Fred looked around the corner of the door quickly to make sure no one was coming. Even Peeves seemed to have left him and George alone, for which he was profoundly grateful. The red-headed boy blunder scampered back to the desk in front of which his twin waited.
"We're all clear," Fred whispered, "Let's see what you got this time."
George smirked and pulled a great deal of parchment out from a pocket in his robes "This is all I could find."
"I think it's enough. Terrible stuff really. Bloody amusing though."
Fred scanned the page. "Oh, THAT'S bloody... with.... in the DUNGEON?"
George snickered. "Yup. You seem to find me quite irresistible."
"The things we never know about our siblings. Tsk tsk tsk. For shame."
"Well, I can see finding you irresistible," Fred batted his lashes exaggeratedly, "But Greasy-Grimy Snape?"
"So true." George chuckled. "Haven't quite figured that out myself. Never can tell with old Snape though."
"We should show him these."
Fred looked thoughtful. "I don't know... the way he keeps giving Harry detentions... can you imagine what he'd do to us?"
At that, Snape strode in, his robes billowing theatrically "Did you two young Gryffindors want something?" he sneered. "Extra help with Potions perhaps?"
George nearly died laughing. "N-no....sir....that's.....quite...." He collapsed into a fit of giggles.
"What is it, Weasley? Speak up!"
George looked helplessly over at his twin, unable to speak at this point.
Fred tried to breathe around the fit of laughter he was suppressing "N-n-no... th-th-th..." he began to snort. George did the same.
"What's so funny?" Snape demanded, looming as he always did.
"It.....well....sir..." George said staggering to remain on his feet. "Well...you...see..."
Fred flipped through the pages George had found rapidly, still wheezing, and pointed out a section that looked remarkably similar to what they had just had happen. George nodded.
"What is this? Muggle literature?", Snape asked angrily.
It involved 'extra help with Potions' that turned into something ever so much more. Also particularly graphic and detailed. Fred tapped the section with a fingertip before bursting into uproarious laughter and falling backwards.
"Ex-ex-extra.. h-help..." he giggled. "Oh no..."
"It's bloody brilliant stuff," George said before dissolving into giggles like his twin.
Fred actually thrust the papers at Snape, beyond caring for what punishments he would get. The mere thought of Snape punishing him was enough to send him into fits of laughter again. George shook his head trying to curb his laughter.
Snape's already pale face turned even paler and his dark eyes sparkled dangerously. "Where did you find this...this RUBBISH?!"
"Hope...hopefully you won't...err..punish us...eh?" George said with a wink. He couldn't help it really.
Fred nearly fell off the desk. His face was as red as his hair, he was laughing so hard. He rolled over onto his stomach, flopped over the desk, and then seemed to realize that this presented his so-often-writ-about behind to Snape. He quickly turned around and sat down, pretending to be concerned about it.
For the first time in all their years at Hogwarts, the twins saw Snape lose his composure. "WHAT IS THIS?!" he bellowed.
"We found it in between delighting in each other while studying for Potions," George added before laughing like a hyena and falling to the floor. Fred fell backwards, howling with laughter at his twin's comment. By now, the uproar was beginning to attract attention, and students were cowering behind the doorframe, eager to see what was happening but not to suffer the wrath of Snape.
"Where?" roared Snape, a bit of color coming to his erstwhile pale face. Turning to the doorway, he said very quietly "Run along, all of you. Nothing to see here." Everyone scattered.
George choked and coughed. "Ahem....errr...rather....well...you see...ummm....Percy...he....found...it...and....well."
"Fred and I, being so devoted to you, decided we should bring it to your attention...Bloody hell, but that came out wrong, didn't it?"George doubted Snape believed him but h didn't care. He was too amused to care. Fred was just laughing too hysterically to think about anything but breathing.
Snape slammed the door and locked it. "Now for your punishment, boys...", he said with an evil grin.
"Remember to breathe, Fred darling," George said melodramatically. "How would I get through Hogwarts without you? Oh dear..."
He looked up at Snape... "I really wish you wouldn't grin like that..."
Fred looked actually vaguely startled as he looked at Snape "Uhhhh... did you just say what I think you just said?" he stammered as he glanced at the pages Snape was now holding and then at the face of the professor
"But, boys... don't you know? These are pages from my diary... my secret fantasies..." Snape said silkily, looking from one boy to the other.
"He's going to make us spend 'quality time' with him, isn't he?" George said in a whimpering whisper to his twin.
NicDorcha: Fred swallowed, looking distinctly queasy. "Uhh... I don't know..." he whispered back.
George looked faint. "I'm going to be sick. Hold me." He snickered. "Oh...right....ummm....oh?" He remained pale.
"Oh, don't worry, boys." purred Snape, walking to the cabinet, "I know some potions that will--how shall I put this--ease the pain."
George gulped. "It seems to me that one of us has to distract him while the other goes for help.
"Seeing as you're the brave, dashing twin, I will go run and find Dumbledore...or perhaps a large mallet while you stay here with him," he added in a whisper.
Snape unlocked the cabinet and rummaged around inside.
"Hey.. we're twins," Fred whispered back "Doesn't that make us both brave and dashing? I say I run and find Dumbledore and you stay here with him."
George struggled not to panic and rose to his feet slowly and stealthily. "You know what to do," he whispered to Fred. "You're my hero."
"George.... " Fred said, torn between killing his twin and trying not to draw Snape's attention to himself "I'm going to hurt you for this..."
"I'll just kiss it and make it better," George whispered back, moving towards the door choking back giggles.
"What are you whispering about, boys?" Asked Snape, pulling some vials from the cupboard and coming over to the boys.
"But, George!" Fred said loudly in a bit of brilliant inspiration (or so he thought) "Darling, won't inviting any more people be a bit... risque?"
George jumped.... "Ah...right, love. True. We want Severus to ourselves after all," he said woodenly....
o0Kanae Ohtori0o: and not very convincingly at all.
Fred looked at the Professor swooping down upon them and swallowed again, his mouth suddenly dry. This was not going to be pleasant...
"Don't even think about leaving, darling boys." said their professor almost cheerfully, "I don't know when we'll get this chance again."
George swayed a bit, turning even paler. He moved to the door. "Well, I know you like Fred better. So I'll just leave you two alone."
"Right," Fred said weakly. Sure, he could report it to Dumbledore as soon as it was all over. Snape would be arrested, sacked, put in Azkaban. Always provided that Snape didn't concoct a potion to make them fall in love with him...
Fred shuddered at the thought as Snape put the potions down on the table and began rummaging in the drawers for glassware.
"Have fun, you two," Geroge added, struggling with the door.
Fred couldn't take it any more and bolted for the door and his twin. "On second thought... perhaps you'd better stay with him, George, I know how much you long for his..." he couldn't finish the sentence.
"Blast it....what's the bloody spell, Fred?" George said panicking. "You stay here...you...ummm..that is..."
"Ah, ah, ah, Mr. Weasley." Said Snape. "Arcanus boltus!" he cried, pointing his wand at the door. Fred ducked and flattened himself against the floor.
George blinked. "What does that do?"
"I don't know. I don't want to know. Get the bloody door open before..." The lock clicked ominously. The boys could tell the door was not opening any time soon.
"And so it ends," George said glumly.
Snape laid the pipettes, the flasks, and the tongs out on the table beside the mysterious vials.
"My poor, beleagered body."
"Yours? What about mine?" George whimpered.
Fred was distracted by the tongs "Uh... I'm not sure I want to know what he's going to do with those."
"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Snape cried. "And you're not leaving until you can tell me what's in these vials and what the potions do. Have a good night, boys." he purred as he turned around and sailed out, making sure to lock the door securely behind him.