Hey. Another weird Fanfic. What a surprise.

This is an Alternate Universe where the Muppets are human, and things went way differently than canon... there's a lot more fighting and blood in my version ;n; and sad Kermit is a thing here to. Like, really sad and angst y Kermit. And blood and bruises and beating people up? Idk how to properly warn people...

Warnings: Violence, blood, graphic descriptions, bad language, really long?

Enjoy.

Kermit's back was flush against the rooftop, scraping harshly at the concrete. a pool of blood was beginning to grow beneath him, but he payed it no mind. He wasn't sure how much of it was his, but he knew he should probably be worried. Constantine struggled against him, trying to escape the death grip Kermit had on his wrist. He raised his free hand and gave the man another sharp slap and an angry, bloody tug at his hair. He could feel the criminals bones creaking together whenever he tried to wiggle free and knew he was in pain. He tightened his grip as much as he could.

A solid punch to his jaw this time. A vain attempt at an escape, and a coppery taste filled Kermit's mouth. He recognized the taste immediately, and twisted his head so he could spit the red liquid onto the frigid asphalt. Constantine's breath grows ragged, and his fists lose their force. His struggles diminish. It seems the blood loss is getting to him. With all the strength Kermit didn't think he had, he flips their position.

Now he's the one sitting on top. And while Constantine is the one whose lost the most blood, Kermit is not in the clear. He knew, in retrospect, that bringing a knife to fight an international, well known criminal was not a good idea. He had gotten one lucky swing in before Constantine had disarmed his and slid the knife smoothly into his stomach, slicing through delicate skin and muscles. He had watched the red blossom onto his shirt, he had seen his own death as the impostor gave the knife a hard twist before savagely yanking the knife out. Pain had flashed across his entire abdomen, but he knew in his heart that he couldn't let the man get away.

Constantine injury was, surprisingly, worse than his own. Kermit had chased after him in an attempt to keep him from fleeing. Constantine had caught him inside his dressing room for the wedding, and had seen his phone out. 911 had been flashing on screen, hinting at a call in process and had known he was busted. Sparing his doppelgangers life, he had kicked open a fire escape and made a quick jog up them, to the roof. Kermit had grabbed the first thing he could see that could be used for self defense, a Russian army knife, and followed the man up the fire escape. He had seen the helicopter from the ground, but only now did he understand why it was up there in the first place.

But I digress. Kermit had gone to the roof to try and negotiate with him, to get him to turn himself in. Constantine had laughed in his face, claiming that he would kill Kermit and make him look like himself. Then he would be praised as a hero for killing one of the most dangerous criminals in the world. Kermit would have pointed out the major flaws in that plan, but Constantine gave him no time. Lunging across the rooftop, hands out, ready to wrap his hands around Kermit throat. Not wanting to die, Kermit had resorted to the weapon he had brought. He couldn't match him a fistfight, but at least he stood a chance with the knife. Constantine hadn't been expecting that, and when Kermit held the knife out, he couldn't stop himself from running into it. It was supposed to be a clean cut to his side, but Constantine had twisted suddenly, before the Kermit had a chance to pull it out. Instead of a small cut, he had accidentally ripped a large cut from him lower left hip to the lowest rib on his left side.

Constantine had gotten him back when he had twisted the knife in Kermit's wound, but his cut was far smaller than the Russians. Both their hands shown in the fading light, the blood on their fingers making them shiny and bright. Constantine, whose hand had been freed when they switched positions, quickly wrapped them around Kermit's throat and began to squeeze. His strength had been depleted as the red liquid gushed out, so he couldn't crush his thyroid as he hoped, but he was still capable of cutting off the oxygen supply. Maybe enough to knock out the Man and escape.

Where are the police? Kermit thought desperately, Where are my friends?

Even with his wound, Constantine had put him through the ringer. Bruises were already beginning to bloom on his skin, and tons more were to follow. He had gotten real scraped up from rooftop, but nothing too bad. He had bit the tip of his tongue off, and one of his teeth is surely missing, but he didn't even feel light headed. He guessed it was adrenaline, but he wasn't sure. The night was eerily silent, and in the sudden echoing quiet, he could hear two things: His own ragged gasps for breath, and the beginnings of the wedding songs. He could just imagine it now. His Miss Piggy, walking down the aisle, happy as could be, only to be greeted by the sympathetic faces of her friends and family. He could see the shattered, heartbroken look on her face as she looked towards the alter to find no one but the priest. She would think he had abandoned her at the alter.

And then Kermit heard the most glorious thing he's ever heard in his life: Police sirens. He tried to take a gasp inward to call for help, but the hands around his neck made that impossible. Suddenly his vision began to go fuzzy, spots appeared around his edges as his body caught up with him. His lungs screamed and his head pounded. His eyes finally slid shut, knowing the police would find him. He had told them he was pursuing Constantine to the roof, and they had warned him not too, but here he was. He had to either hold on just a little longer, or knock the bastard out. The decision was easy, and with all the strength he could muster, he brought his fist down hard across Constantine's face. The blow, plus every other injury, was too much for the man, and he finally gave in to the darkness.

Kermit rolled off of him and went limp against the roof. It was unusually cold, but he wasn't complaining. It felt good against his too hot skin. He let out a few hacking coughs to try and clear his windpipe, and then he just let himself lay still. His everything hurt, and it seemed he would never feel good ever again. It was a wonder how he even won. He had never though he was capable of knocking the other man unconscious. It seemed he was proven wrong.

He was in the clear.

And then he heard the footsteps. Extremely careful and deliberate, as if they were assessing the situation. Kermit hoped against hope that it wasn't some, other, unforeseen villain. He didn't have anymore strength left. Cracking open his eyes, he catches a glance of the man. He lets out a breath of relief. It's Dominic Badguy, he had been a rather good guy when Kermit had first met him. A little controlling, but nothing too bad. he surely wouldn't let him just bleed out slowly, would he?

But before Kermit could even open his mouth, Badguy had hoisted Constantine up and off the roof. He began making his way towards the helicopter. He must still think Constantine was Kermit. With a loud cough, he manages to call out to the man, "Dominic!"

The man still immediately and slowly turns around. Eyebrows raised, he looks at the half-dead man on the asphalt. "I thought you were dead." Dominic says, rather disinterested in the bleeding man.

"Dominic, that's Constantine!" He reveals to him, "I'm Kermit! You need to go get the police."

Dominic glances down at his fingernails in a bored way, "I know." He says simply, "Who do you think helped him?" Dominic smiled down at him.

Kermit's blood ran cold. Dominic sighed and dropped the body he was carrying onto the ground, "I really wish you hadn't said anything." The man scolded, "Now I can't leave without making sure you never say another word."

With practiced ease, he flips out a gun from the holster. Kermit shakes his head before letting himself fall limp against the roof. He couldn't escape. He couldn't run. The Man levels the pistol at his chest, and a sad look passes his face. "Sorry." He says simply.

He pulls the trigger. Three shots echo in the night. Fresh pain lances through Kermit's Body, and with an odd sense of detachment he sees Dominic fall to the ground. Two gunshot wounds across his chest, and Kermit wonder vaguely who had fired them. He could feel the blood trying to clot the wound, but to no avail. The liquid streamed out of the small wound, dripping down his sides. He was going to bleed out out a dirty roof.

Suddenly hands were pressing down on his stomach, staunching the blood loss. He could hear someone with a french accent talking into a radio, and a rather familiar, deep American voice barking orders at no one in particular. Sam had always been cool under pressure, but they did make him more crabby and loud than usual. The world was an array of colorful stops and dizzying blurriness.

The clumsy, inexperienced hands disappeared from his body as another, more capable pair set to work. Already they had a breathing mask over his head and several other people were working together to load him on a gurney while simultaneously keeping him from bleeding out. Someone was speaking soothingly in his ears, but he couldn't make it out over the roaring in his ears. He knew that paramedics were also swarming around Dominic and Constantine. He knows, without a doubt, that those shots hadn't managed to kill him. Neither had Kermit's blows killed Constantine, but it had incapacitated them. They had caught both criminal because of Kermit. It should make him feel better.

It doesn't.

After what seemed like days inside of an elevator, they finally make it to the ground floor. The Muppets had all been cleared out of the chapel and onto the street, Reporters swarmed, looking for a good story. Most hung desperately on Miss Piggy's words as she cried and whinnied about being stood up at the alter. She hammed it up a little bit, making it even more dramatic than usual to cover up the fact she had been a little... relieved. The reports had suddenly turned away from her and onto something behind her. Curiously, she turned around to find them wheeling out the love of her life on a gurney! She took a step forward when suddenly, a second Kermit was rolled out. Confusion clouded her vision, and she stopped walking, deciding to wait and see what was going on. Despite her better judgement, she retreated back to the place where civilians were supposed to be. She took no more questions. Soon the rest of the Muppet gang was beginning to gather around her as they wheeled out Dominic Badguy and loaded him onto another ambulance.

She reaches out an manages to catch Sam as he works on crowd control. "Sam..?" she asked softly, the question left unspoken between them.

He reaches up and rests his hand on hers. Shaking his head he indicated he can't talk now, "I'll explain everything as soon as I can, right now? Get down to the hospital. I'll be down there as soon as i'm able." Shaking off her hand he continues to do his job. She stares after him for a moment.

Spinning around, she declares in a loud voice, "Alright! Time to get to the Hospital!" She makes a purposeful stride to the limousine supposed to take her to her reception. 'Just Married!' is hung across the back with beautiful tapestries and balloons attached. She flings the door open and strides in, the other Muppets follow suit. They can see her internal worry clear across her face, but keep silent anyway. The short ride is completely silent. No one really knows what to say.

The Hospital is as clear and pristine as ever, and when they say they were here for Kermit, the nurse gets a sad look on her face and points them to the waiting room. He's in surgery as of right now. It takes an hour for Sam to finally make it down to the Hospital, and another thirty minutes for him to get the full scope of Kermit condition from the nurse. He can feel their eyes on him as they discuss possible complications in his health, and he has to brush of their prying eyes and wrap the conversation up. When he turns around to face them, he can see the physical restraint they displayed from keeping themselves professional around the nurse. As soon as she disappears around the corner, they surge up from their seats, looking for information.

He settles them down quickly and takes a moment to gather his thoughts. "The Kermit you have been associated with these past few weeks isn't really Kermit. He's the number one most wanted criminal in the world, and Badguy is known as the 'Lemur', the second most wanted criminal in the world. They were working together to commit burglaries all around the world, ending with them attempting to steal the crow jewels."

There were several long moments where they all just stared at him, shocked. Then everyone began talking at once. No one really believed him. They were sure that they would have realized if Kermit had been replaced by a complete impostor. At that exact moment, Animal, Fozzie and Walter burst through the hospital door, out of breath and exhausted. They had been left behind, in the chapel, trapped in a closet by Dominic before they could warn the other Muppets. The police had just recently let them out, and they had made quite a long sprint to the hospital. They backed up Sam on his account, and slowly the others began to realize their mistake.

"He doesn't even sound the same..." Scooter muttered, ashamed he hadn't figured it out sooner. The others were in similar areas of thought. How could they have no known?

"That's what you were trying to tell us, wasn't it?" Dr. Teeth asked Animal quietly. Animal nodded sadly.

Miss Piggy felt her heart begin to ache. "What happened to our Kermit?" She asked.

Sam fixed her with a level gaze. "He was thought to be Constantine and framed in all his crimes. He was punished by being sent to a Siberian Gulag." Shocked gasps radiated from the group. They all knew of Kermits extreme aversion to anything cold. They couldn't imagine how that had been for him. "When the prisoners figured out he wasn't really Constantine, they attempted to... well, get rid of him. Nadya, an officer there, saved him and appointed him director for some performance they were putting on. She reported that he was extremely sure that his friends would come get him out." Sams gaze sweeps across them all when he says the next part, "It became apparent to her that he was losing hope after the second week of being left there. Then Walter, Fozzie, and Animal appeared at the gulag and told him the truth. He orchestrated the largest escape in the gulags history by using a theatrical performance to dig a way out, then he came here.

"From what we've gathered at the crime scene, Kermit was in Constantine's dressing room when he made a call to 9-1-1. He's whispering, and saying that Constantine planned on stealing and kidnapping. We assume he meant stealing the crown jewel and Kidnapping Miss Piggy. He sent you three to warn her, did he not?" He raises an eyebrow at the recent arrivals.

"Oh, yeah!" Walter confirms, "But Dominic caught us and locked us in a closet before we could say a word."

"While he was talking with our operator, Constantine caught him on the phone and ran up the stair to presumably escape using a get away helicopter. Foolishly Kermit decided to follow him up and try to stop him. We think he might have been the one to bring the weapon, but we aren't sure. They got into a rather large, savage fight, that didn't yield until Kermit managed to incapacitate Constantine." Jaws dropped at that. They could barely picture Kermit hurting an ant, let alone a person! "But Kermit had been very hurt, and when Dominic came to check on Constantine, he saw two passed out men. Assuming Kermit had been killed by Constantine, he was going to leave him. Unfortunately, Kermit still assumed Dominic was a good guy and tried to get help. When Badguy realized Kermit was still living, he had to make sure he wasn't anymore."

"Jean and I heard the whole exchange, and when we realized Badguys intentions, we reacted as was called for. We turned the corner and shot once at the man holding a gun, but it was too late. He had already pulled the trigger, releasing a bullet into Kermit's stomach. In usual situations, a wound of this caliber has an high survival rate, but considering how much blood Kermit had already lost..." Sam trails off, sure they get the picture.

No one says a word, but the dead on their faces betrays their emotions.

It takes another hour for Kermit to finally come out of surgery. A nurse approaches the rag tag team of misfits slowly, "Excuse me, But you're waiting for Kermit?" she asks quietly, not wanting to cause a disturbance to other people in the waiting room. Everyone of the people, previously slouched and slumped, straightened up and looked at her questioningly. "Well, he managed to pull through surgery, which is a very good sign," she admits, "however," She says firmly, bringing them all back down to earth before they got too hopeful, "The first 24 hours are crucial. If he makes it through these, then his chance of survival goes up very much."

And that was all she had to report other than he was still in intensive care, and he wasn't available for visitors just yet.

Now came the worst part: Waiting.

I don't know if i'm going to write anymore for this, so I thought i'd at least post all that I have now. It's around 3,135 words of actual fan fiction, which is much longer than my usual chapters. Anyway, I saw Muppets Most Wanted a few days ago and I have been absolutely obsessed, wow, it was so good! I just wish there had been an actual fight scene between Kermit and Constantine... But it was soooooo good anyway :)

Anyway, I don't own the Muppets, but please enjoy!