It just happened to be a bright and sunny day when Wade and Peter were patrolling through the city. It was going so well. The birds were singing. The breeze was light and inviting. Kids were laughing in the background. Baddies were getting the beat-down of their lives, and they were so lucky Peter just happened to be there to stop that beat-down from turning into a shish kebab parade. It was like the plot to a feel-good family film, all rainbows and cotton-candy bunnies and Peter's stern voice ringing in his ears.

That's when Wade saw it.

The golden chalice of all weapons.

Mjolnir.

It was just sitting there, all by its lonesome in a ditch. How rude of the lightning god –

Thunder!

No, he was pretty sure it was lightning. There was always a spark show whenever Thor made his I'm-cooler-than-you pose.

He ran over, totally ignoring that Peter was in the middle of explaining the plan to a battle tactic for taking out some cheap baddies that were starting to terrorize old ladies for their mints and pocket lint.

And their money.

But mints and pocket lint were so much cooler than some lottery change. And they had that nice old lady smell too. Not like his pocket lint. It smelled like an abandoned sewer. Peter said so.

"Wade!" Peter hissed.

"Hold on Spidey, I gotta get front row seats for this bad boy!" He ran over to the hammer. Oh boy oh boy. There wasn't anything sexier than sleek metal infused with magic.

What about Peter's ass? You were totally tapping that like it was the end of the world last night.

"And I get to tap it again tonight, you jealous?" Besides, those were two different kinds of sexy. And Peter was okay with the constant affair he had going on with weapons.

No he's not.

Well he tolerated it.

No he doesn't.

Fuck this, he was going for the hammer.

He wrapped his hands around the handle tight and pulled. Shit this thing was heavy. Wade adjusted his stance, spreading his legs wide and squatting down low. He heaved, pulling with all his strength.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

Shit, Peter sounded furious.

Told you.

"Shut it!"

Suddenly Wade was grabbed by his collar, gracelessly forced away from the hammer. "Hey!"

"Just get back home. I'm going to let Thor know you found his hammer," he said sternly.

"But I almost had it! Can't I just use if for a few minutes?"

"No. Go home. I'll meet you there in half an hour."

What a killjoy.