Protect The Innocent
Author's Warning! This is an extremely graphic one-shot about a child's memory of sexual abuse. This is NOTHING like the other stories I have written. If you are at all sensitive, or are under 18, do not read this!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.
Carlisle POV:
It was a cloudy December day in San Francisco, 1978. I was working in pediatrics at University of California at San Francisco or UCSF hospital, where Edward was attending medical school for a second time.
The weather was unpredictable enough where I would normally just work the nightshift, but they had been short staffed today, and Alice had assured me the weather would remain cloudy through the day.
I walked into the pediatrics unit and went to get the first chart of the day. I approached the desk and one of the nurses called out to me, "Dr. Cullen, good, you're here! Is your son at the hospital today? We have a little girl that is really scared, and we are concerned that we won't be able to get her heart rate down for a good reading on her EKG. Edward is always so perceptive with the little ones that are afraid, he always seems to know just what to say. We were hoping he might be available to help out."
"I believe he is studying right now, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping a scared little girl. If you would page him, I will go check on her…unless she has already been assigned a doctor?" They assured me she hadn't, paged Edward, and handed me the chart. I knew Edward still struggled a little with the blood of surgeries, but he almost seemed to be a natural with his bedside manner. With his ability to read minds, he knew exactly what a patient feared, and could address the real issue, not just what they would mention aloud.
I read the chart of this little girl. Six years old, had been here at UCSF six months ago, when a heart catheter procedure was performed to look at her Ventricular Septal Defect. Her EKG looked good, the procedure went as planned. This appeared to be nothing more than a standard follow up visit six months later for an exam and another EKG. Indications showed the hole was small. She did not require medicine, and her activity had not been restricted. There was nothing in her chart that might indicate any reason for her to be particularly afraid. It looked as if everything went smooth and fine the last time she was here. I reached the room where she was waiting and I chuckled as I heard the rather loud and distinct yet steady boom whoosh, boom whoosh of her heart murmur.
I opened the door to find a very small and rather thin six year old girl with curly auburn hair and hazel eyes framed with thick long lashes. She was dressed in a hospital gown and seated on the examination table fidgeting a bit on the paper.
Her mother was a tiny woman right about five feet tall and looked as if she might be one hundred pounds soaking wet. She had short black-brown hair and hazel eyes, and looked to be a little under nourished and rather tired. She was seated in a chair next to the exam table and held a baby boy that appeared to be six months old.
I came in and introduced myself and said, "Let's take a listen to how your heart is working today." I reached for my stethoscope, and the girl's mother immediately scolded her, and told her to stop fidgeting so I could hear. The little girl's reaction was immediate. Her shoulders curved in and her head bent down. She went from nervously looking around and smiling, to looking as if she wished she were invisible, and I understood why the nurses had asked for Edward. "I have excellent hearing, Mrs. McCarthy. It's not a problem," I assured her.
"No, she knows how to behave in a doctor's office," the mother said firmly, and nodded in her daughter's direction.
The six year old did not move a muscle as I held out the stethoscope to listen to her heart. I touched it to her chest, and she flinched from the cold, but then immediately held still as a statue again. I indicated to her to take breaths at certain intervals and went through the routine of listening to her heart and lungs, even though I could hear her distinctive heartbeat clearly from the hall. "It sounds like I would expect hear from her heart, based on the chart. We will need to do an EKG though, and then get the results." Immediately upon hearing the term EKG, the little girl's heart began to race. I could smell the adrenaline in her system giving me further indication of her fear.
I thought that she could possibly really benefit from talking with Edward. Maybe we could figure out the problem behind her fear. I decided to buy some time with, "Unfortunately the EKG room is a little backed up right now, so you will need to wait here for a while." My little patient's heart rate slowed bit with this news, I had definitely found the EKG to be some source of a problem. I couldn't understand it though; I needed Edward's help for insight. I told them I would be back soon, and left to locate Edward.
I went to the nurses' station, and saw Edward approaching the desk; I called out to him with my thoughts. Edward, I need you to check on this patient of mine. She is a six year old with a VSD, and quite a strong murmur. She is here for a six month follow up to a heart cath. She seems overall very shy and a little skittish, but when I mentioned an EKG, her heart rate sky rocketed. It seemed abnormal even for the nurses. I was wondering, if you would be willing to investigate this a little bit?
Edward nodded his head slightly towards me indicating that he had heard and agreed to my request. I filled him in on the vital chart information aloud, and we walked into the room together.
"Mrs. McCarthy, I have a medical student here interested in pediatric cardiology, his name is Edward, would you mind if he spoke with your daughter, and asked a few questions while we wait for the EKG room to become available?" I noted the little girl's heart rate jump a little at the mention of the EKG, but Mrs. McCarthy assured us it would be no problem to answer Edward's questions.
Edward's POV
I took the chart and looked over it as Carlisle spoke to the mother and daughter and filled me in with additional thoughts.
Edward, I am concerned about the mother daughter relationship a little here. The daughter has the reactions of a beaten horse; she's very shy, a little jumpy, and almost too afraid to be disobedient. Did you catch that increase in the daughter's heart rate when I mentioned EKG?
I nodded my head, and turned to wash my hands as I spoke high and fast to Carlisle so the patients couldn't hear me. "I see what you mean about the heart rate, she is definitely afraid. Her thoughts are popping in at a rapid pace, and a bit all over the place. I'd like to speak with her alone. What ever the situation with the mother, her thoughts seem genuinely straightforward and full of concern for manners, propriety, and her daughter. She is also thinking that she needs to feed the baby. If you can help her find a private lounge, this might work better."
Carlisle spoke aloud to the mother, "Mrs. McCarthy, I understand that you have been waiting a while with a young infant. Do you need to take care of the baby? We have a private lounge if you need to use one."
I noticed that the six year old patient, Kaleen, took in her surroundings as the topic of conversation turned to her mother's possible absence. She checked that the curtains to the large window were open, and that people in the opposite wing could see into the room. She glanced at the ceiling and noted the bright lights, and looked at the door and saw that there was a window in the door, and noted that there were no blinds covering that window. She then looked at me and thought, He's pretty, and I don't feel scared of him. I smiled at her, and she returned the smile showing me the cutest dimples.
The mother's thoughts were just as erratic as the daughter's, only her thoughts flickered between concern for her six year old daughter, and her six month old son. If she felt more comfortable, she would have nursed the baby in here, but she struggled with what to do. I decided to begin asking some questions to put the mother's mind at ease.
"So, your name is…" Kaleen, I heard her think. "Kaleen, right?" she nodded her head, and her eyes widened in amazement. She was shocked that I had pronounced her name correctly the first time without hearing it. She noted the color of my eyes, my stethoscope, and my name embroidered on my lab coat.
"And, you are six years old?" She nodded an affirmative response. The air conditioner tuned on and her mental attention flickered to it with the sound. The baby moved the toy he was holding, and her peripheral vision caught it and her attention was drawn there.
"So do you go to school?" she nodded and thought, I'm in the first grade. Her mother made a move to get up, and Kaleen's thoughts flashed to the room again, wondering if it was well lit and open enough to be safe.
"I think I will go take care of the baby. Kaleen, you need to be good for the doctors, ok?" Mrs. McCarthy said. Kaleen's thoughts were slightly nervous, and she instinctively put her thumb in her mouth. It was automatic, she didn't even think about the motion of raising her arm or putting her thumb in her mouth. One moment her thought was of discomfort, and the next moment she was comforting herself with her thumb in her mouth. Slightly suspect, like Carlisle had thought. Carlisle left to show Mrs. McCarthy to the lounge.
I looked out the window for a few moments wondering if I would be able to hear her thoughts without asking questions. Her mind was a fireworks display flashing pictures of thought after thought Grandma, white bunny rabbits, grandmother, Kasper's hot dogs, Chinatown, B.A.R.T., Daddy, Dental chair, the smell of toothpaste, bathroom sink, little brother, baby brother, mom out of the room, hospital room, me. She turned to look at me.
I turned to look at her and smiled. She looked reminded of the thumb in her mouth. Thoughts of her parents scolding her for sucking her thumb came to her mind, a horrible bitter taste, a reminder that she should be embarrassed. She slowly removed her thumb from her mouth and wiped it on the gown. She returned my smile with a shy smile and looked at me from beneath long thick eyelashes. Her eyes reminded me of an innocent baby deer.
I decided to begin with some easier questions. "Have you ever heard the way your heart sounds?" She nodded her head. Images of multiple doctor visits, where her heart was being listened to, and she listened in turn, flashed through her mind. It's neat he should listen to it, it goes boom whoosh, boom whoosh. I wonder if he has ever heard a heart that sounds like mine before. I should ask him, maybe I shouldn't ask him. Will he get mad at me if talk and he hasn't asked me a question? Her thumb started rising towards her mouth again.
"Kaleen, may I listen to your heart? I think it might sound neat," I spoke in an enthusiastic voice. She calmed and her hand lowered to the table. Her thoughts flashed images of cold stethoscopes touching her bare skin and her flinching from the cold. It's going to be cold, don't jump. It will be cold, but not too painful, just cold. She repeated in her mind as she prepared herself for the initial chilly touch.
"You know, I have a little trick." I removed the stethoscope and put the chest-piece in her hand. "Sometimes these can be a little cold if you try to listen to your heart right away, but if you warm it up in your hand first, then it isn't too cold for your heart." I encouraged her to fold her fingers around the chest-piece and warm it in her hands. She smiled at me, and her thoughts were filled with gratitude, and images flashed through her mind so quickly that if I wasn't a vampire, I am not sure I could have processed them all. I was wondering how her young mind could wrap around it all.
"Do you remember the last time you were here?" She nodded yes and images flashed again like film clips. Her picking out pajamas, and being disappointed they were all for boys, and settling for the yellow ones with cowboys instead of the red or blue. Her, wandering the halls very early in the morning because she was hungry, and a kind man helping her to the kitchen to find her a cup of fruit cocktail. There were images of nurses and doctors coming in one after another saying "Congratulations!" and her being completely confused as to why. She then pictured hours and hours later her father arriving and she asked him why they were all saying "Congratulations!" Her father told her that "Mommy had a baby last night" and that she had a new little brother. She had a moment of slight disappointment over the fact that that meant it was now three boys and two girls, they were outnumbered. She then had an image of her and her father going to a little boutique to buy some clothes for the baby, and she picked a one-piece blue sleeper with a helicopter on the tummy. All of these images flowed through her head in a matter of two seconds.
I was a little surprised that all the images she recalled seemed to be rather pleasant. I thought of her heart rate when the EKG was mentioned and decided to broach that subject. "Do you know what an EKG is?" I asked, and she nodded an affirmative response. It intrigued me that she didn't seem to offer any additional response. It also surprised me that her heart rate didn't appear to be affected by the mention of the procedure. I watched her mind as images of a pink and white EKG readout with black peaks and valleys spewed forth from a machine. Her mind was definitely full of many images and many with sound; it was so much like watching a film.
"Do you like getting an EKG?" I asked her. She shook her head in a negative response, and her shoulders began to curl in. The images this time were of metal suction cups with tiny orange-red rubber bulbs. They were connected to the read out machine with so many wires, and then there was the icy cold gel that squirted on before the suction cups.
I decided to take a small break and listen to her heart. Her hands had warmed the stethoscope nicely, so she was pleasantly surprised that it felt comfortable to have someone listen to her heart. She was excited with the thought of sharing it with me, and she felt I would really enjoy listening to such an unusual heartbeat as hers. "Thank you for letting me listen to your heart," I told her, "It was very different sounding, and I really liked listening to the sound it makes." Externally she gave me a small smile, but internally she was dancing and even a little smug at the chance to show off her rare heart beat.
"Are you ready to get your EKG?" I asked her. Her heart rate immediately picked up and confusion covered most of what she was thinking so that the flashing images were to fast and erratic to make sense. "Do you have a question about it?" Will you be there with me? She instantly thought, and then reprimanded herself. I shouldn't ask that, she thought. She shook her head no.
I sat down on the rolling chair, so I could face her at eye level. She sat on the exam table playing with the paper covering it. All of her thoughts were hyper focused on the paper. She thought of every wrinkle, every fold, every sound, the color, the patterns, she even thought of her mother scolding her for playing with it, and memories of her mom telling her how she used to eat the paper. I was amazed. This little six-year-old could teach Alice things about blocking thoughts. When my little patient didn't want to think about something, she was rather determined.
"Did something happen the last time you had an EKG?" I asked her directly in a soft voice. Her thoughts immediately flashed to images of the EKG room here at UCSF. It was dark in the room, and the shades were drawn, the window in the door was covered from the inside with paper. She was all alone with the technician, a man that the mere thought of him frightened her. She began to focus again on the paper, the crinkle sound, the folds, what animal shapes could the folds make...
"Kaleen," I interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up at me. "You don't have to say anything out loud, but can you think about the steps of what happened the last time you had your EKG?" She gave a slight frown, and nodded her head. Images of that same male technician guiding her into the same dark room flashed instantly to her mind. She was picked up and laid on her back on the table, she was already uncomfortable. Then he slowly unsnapped the top of her hospital pajamas, she noted that he left her shirt completely open as he worked unlike some other technicians that would use the shirt or gown to block their view of her. He walked over and got the gel, and her torso tensed at the cold as he put the gel on her chest, on the suction cups, and then attached the cold metal suction cups to her chest and left side in several places. He placed his hot hand on her stomach and assured her that she needed to hold perfectly still while the EKG took its measurements. She was completely uncomfortable while she laid there, shirt open, his hand on her stomach. She was trying to not even breathe too deeply for the several minutes the EKG ran for fear that it would make it take longer. She mentally noted the sound of the machine switching off without moving her eyes from where she was looking at the ceiling, trying to hold perfectly still. The technician saw her finger twitch, and told her the procedure would need to be started over again because she had moved. She remembered the feel of him reaching for the ties on her pants, and loosening it. He pulled it down and used his hand to reach down in her pants and inside of her as he pressed on the outside of her stomach at the same time.
My thoughts instantly turned to rage at the thought of a hospital technician taking advantage of this innocent six-year-old.
Her thoughts continued as he pulled back up her pants and re-tied them. He removed the suction cups and wires and slowly wiped her entire chest with a towel very slowly before snapping back up her shirt and lifting her off the table to walk her back to her room. Kaleen's thoughts returned to the paper and a shudder ran down her spine in a physical reaction to the memory.
I did my best to remain calm for my patient, even though I felt like searching the hospital until I found this degenerate, and ripping him limb from limb. How creeps like that could be allowed to live was beyond me! I finally spoke, "Kaleen, would you feel safer if I were to go in with you to get your EKG done today?"
She looked up at me with pleasant surprise. How did he know that would make me feel better? Kaleen thought in amazed wonder. "Yeah," was her simple shy reply.
"Why don't you wait right here and I will see if the EKG room is available yet." Her heart rate immediately accelerated again, but this time her thoughts were, I feel safe with you, please don't leave me alone.
I looked out the window and saw Carlisle. His thoughts came to my mind, Did you find out what the problem was?
I nodded, and it took everything I had not to growl in my response back to him at the anger I felt toward that technician. Sensing my anger he entered the room.
Edward, are you in control enough to be around this child right now? He asked me through his thoughts.
I took a deep unneeded breath in order to calm myself. I nodded.
The little girl noted the pointed way Carlisle looked at me, and how I had nodded. She thought back to my questions, and the fact that I had waited for her thoughts to end on the subject before asking her another question, but that I hadn't insisted that she verbalize a response. She gasped aloud and thought, I bet he can read minds! That is so cool! Uh oh, they both just looked at me; I must have done something wrong. Her shoulders slumped and she began to suck her thumb again as she studied the paper once more, her thoughts once again completely consumed by it.
Her uncanny ability to completely focus on something like the paper so entirely that she would block all other thoughts reminded me so much of Alice that it broke the tension and I chuckled aloud.
"What did you find out about our little patient here Edward?" Carlisle asked aloud for her benefit.
"Well, she is a very smart, perceptive little girl that could give Alice some tips." I responded at normal volume.
Who is Alice? Kaleen thought. She removed her thumb and began to crinkle the paper with her fingers.
"Alice is my sister," I answered automatically. Kaleen and Carlisle both instantly looked at me. Suddenly the three of us froze in shock at the realization that I had just answered her thoughts.
You can read my mind! Kaleen thought with shocked excitement. Her eyes flickered from my shocked and worried face to Carlisle's and back, and she instantly processed the facial expressions that let her know that was something we hadn't intended her to know. I won't tell anyone, I promise! I can keep a secret. I never told anyone about the EKG just like he said, not even Mommy or Daddy. Don't be afraid of me, I won't hurt you, I promise! Kaleen insisted through her thoughts.
I was suddenly sickened that I had been put in the same category as that child molester. I was overcome with grief, and it apparently showed on my face.
Please don't be sad, she urged and the thought crossed her mind of giving me a hug to make me feel better.
"Kaleen, you are a very smart and kind little girl. Please, don't worry about me." I looked at her and smiled and her thoughts instantly calmed. "Carlisle, I think our little patient here would be comfortable having an EKG done today as long as I can keep her company in the room while it is being performed." I turned to Kaleen and asked, "Is that correct?"
Yes, thank you so much! Her thoughts said in relief, but her mouth nearly uttered, "Yeah."
Carlisle looked pointedly at me and asked, Are you sure she can handle it?
I gave a small nod.
Kaleen's mind saw Carlisle's expression, my nod, and then mentally she told me, Tell him I'll be okay as long as you are there with me. She suddenly became very nervous and returned her thumb to her mouth once again.
"Carlisle, Kaleen assures me that she will be okay to get an EKG as long as I am there with her," I said aloud.
"Alright then, I will go check and see if the room is ready," Carlisle said. I sure hope you know what you are doing in letting her know about you mind reading, he added as he left the room.
"Thank you," Kaleen said in a quiet whisper as soon as the door was shut behind Carlisle.
I turned to look at her and raised an eyebrow to question why she was thanking me.
I was scared to get and EKG again, but I was too afraid to ask for help. Thank you for helping me…her thoughts flashed to a picture of what happened the previous time, then the nurses, Carlisle, and her mother, before she refocused on my face and said thank you to me again in her mind.
Carlisle came in the room again, and said, "They are ready for you."
I helped Kaleen down from the table, and held her hand as we walked to the EKG room together. Her thoughts focused on my hand, the texture, the temperature, the strength. You know, when I really need to know something, God helps me so I won't be too scared, she told me in her thoughts.
This thought came almost out of the blue, and caught me off guard. I paused a little in my step, and looked down at her and raised my eyebrows, just as if I was having a mental conversation with Alice.
When something really important is going to happen the next day, I dream about it the night before, and God tells me how things will work out. Last night my dream was about an angel with gold eyes that could read my mind. She looked up and smiled at me. That was how I knew I would be safe with you.
"Wow, you really are like my sister Alice!" I said in amazement, and gave her hand the softest squeeze.
We arrived at the door outside of the EKG room, and Kaleen's heart rate began to race again, but her thoughts were only pictures of the empty room and fear. I looked to her and lifted my eyebrows.
What if it is him again? She asked me with her thoughts.
"Don't worry, I will protect you. You will not be alone this time." I whispered to her.
She nodded, but her confidence was gone, and she began to suck her thumb.
I focused on the thoughts behind the door and instantly relaxed when I heard a female's thoughts focused on the equipment and procedure. "You don't need to worry, it is a woman in there," I reassured Kaleen. She relaxed and her heart rate quieted to a normal rhythm. I glanced down at the thumb in her mouth, her thoughts registered my eye movement, and she removed it. I smiled at her, "You are very perceptive in noticing body language."
She gathered that I was giving her a compliment and smiled in return.
"Let's get this done properly," I said to my little patient as I opened the door to the EKG room. I looked at the matronly technician and felt Kaleen relax even further. "We are here for an EKG today."
The technician noticed my lab coat, and the fact that I was holding the little patient's hand, and thought, Oh, how sweet, she must be scared. I love it when the new med students have excellent bedside manner, especially in the pediatric rotations. Her thoughts became very clinical as she went through the steps of the procedures in her head. She then explained the steps aloud to Kaleen, and performed them proficiently, and with as much modesty as possible for the little patient.
I listened to Kaleen's thoughts, and they were very focused on the ceiling tiles and her effort to hold perfectly still during the EKG.
I was relieved and comforted to be able to tell that this professionalism was the technician's standard procedure, and she wasn't making an exception for just this one patient. The EKG was over swiftly and efficiently, and I took note of the technician's name to write a request in Kaleen's chart, that all future EKGs be performed by her whenever possible.
When the EKG was finished, Kaleen hopped off the table and reached for my hand. Her thoughts were full of gratitude for my help and protection. We headed back to the examination room, and just before we entered Kaleen's thoughts became a bit wistful. She tugged my hand and looked up at me. In her mind she asked, Are you the kind of angel that can stay with me everyday or do you have to go help other little girls?
I smiled at her innocence, and ironic insistence in calling me an angel, but decided it would be best to play along. "I'm sorry, Kaleen, I need to help other little children," I whispered.
She nodded her head and took a deep breath before we walked into the exam room where her mother and baby brother were waiting. She ran to her mother and hid next to her side. Thank you my angel! She called to me with her thoughts before I headed out of the room with her chart to find Carlisle.
Carlisle took care of the remainder of the procedures for the follow up visit, and I went to the human resources office to find what I could on the tech listed in her chart as having done the EKG six months ago. I was able to use my vampire talents to gain access to the personnel records, and found that he had been dismissed from the hospital soon after his hiring due to the fact that they were never able to verify his educational documentation.
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It was August, 2008 and I was at the gas station in Forks, Washington filling up my Volvo mere days before my wedding to Bella. I heard an echo from the past that I recognized in an instant. Boom whoosh, boom whoosh, boom whoosh.
My thoughts were instantly brought back to UCSF Medical Center 1978, and a little six year old with auburn curls, hazel eyes framed with long eyelashes, and adorable dimples that showed when she smiled. I remembered the sad circumstances that led me to be called to help. I recalled that she was as perceptive as my Bella, and almost as intuitive as Alice.
I glanced up from my Volvo towards the sound. Boom whoosh, boom whoosh, boom whoosh. On the other side of the gas pump was a plump woman in her mid thirties beginning to fill up an older model minivan. As she set the pump handle, she took her attention from her task and began to look around. She caught my gaze, her eyes widened and her heart rate immediately sped up in recognition. My angel! She thought.
I looked down at the handle of the gas pump in my Volvo pretending not to have recognized her. She thinks I'm an angel when I am about to take Bella's humanity, I berated myself. That is the life Bella should have, children, getting older… my thoughts began to descend into darkness.
I know you can hear me, my angel. You know, I've never told anyone about you, I kept my promise. She called out to me with her thoughts. Her thoughts told me that her eyes were studying my movements. I know you need to keep your privacy, and I won't bother you, I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for being my guardian angel. Her thoughts noted my sarcastic huff at the thought of being an angel. Well, maybe you aren't an angel in the technical sense of the word, but you were my angel that day, her thoughts responded. I've had dozens of EKGs since that day, and I never again was afraid. I just wanted to say thank you. She noted that her gas was done pumping, and started to take care of her vehicle. Her thoughts then began to doubt that I was the same person or being. He is just a look alike. It is thirty years later, and he looks exactly the same. No one stays exactly the same that long…except immortal beings.
She took her receipt from the machine, and I could tell from her thoughts that she looked at me again. She thought of reaching out and touching me to see if my skin was as cold and hard as she remembered, and her heart began to race. Boom whoosh, boom whoosh, boom whoosh. She took a tiny step towards me, her thoughts racing as fast as her heart.
My tank finished filling, I removed the nozzle and replaced the gas cap. I turned and looked her in the eye as I returned the nozzle to the gas pump. "Thank you for being trustworthy, Kaleen." I spoke in a low voice.
Her heart sped even faster. It is him! "You're welcome," my angel, she responded, with a huge dimpled smile, before she returned to her car. Her thoughts continued to race with excitement and gratitude as she pulled away from the gas station.
My thoughts were much more positive as I returned to my Bella that day. Maybe Carlisle is right, maybe we do have a soul…and if we do, I know there will be at least one more person willing to put in a good word for me on judgment day.