The Hipster Hogwarters Book One (How is that title James?)

Chapter One: James's Letter

Ok, so everyone is like, hurray for the Boy Who Lived, or whatever you call him.

Kudos to Potter!

Wahoo!

Three cheers babies!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, big freaking deal! You know there were a lot of other wizard boys and girls that were involved too, and we were just as in on it as Pot-head! We got to watch our school crumble to bits all for the sake of old scar boy getting his kicks with Red, after he 'vanquished' the dark lord.

I call B.S. on the whole matter.

Sure not all of us were as 'good' little students as Harry and friends. Heck, some us of would have happily spat in McGonagall's pumpkin juice rather than suck up for house points like that Barbie doll wanna be, Hermione Granger. So yeah, we weren't the best of heroes, but we sure as hell left an impression.

From Googling house riddles to chilling in Snape's detention, drinking at the pub to dancing on Diggory's grave. We totally rocked!

Who am I? I am the one generally responsible for the light show, and the girl who has at least one of the Weasley twins whipped. Evil laugh.

Over and Out.

~Angel

The night our story begins was not unlike any other night at Stone Ridge Orphanage. A young boy is lead, kicking and biting, straight to the gates of his 'precious' home.

The fat, old, bat, Mrs. Pain, answered the door with her usual fake smile. She thanked the town gardener for returning the boy, then lead the little orphanage back to his room, by the roots of his pitch black hair.

"Now if you run off again you little monster, I will lock you in the cellar until Christmas of next year!" With that she tossed the boy into a room, slammed the door shut and locked it.

James Draco Poe picked himself off the dirty floor and yelled at the newly locked door, "Oh yeah! Well I broke out before and I'll do it again! And that gardener wouldn't have found me if he hadn't yelled Marco!" With that he turned around and shot all the other orphans a look that dared any of them to so much as speak and marched to his bed.

All the orphan's eyes turned to the floor as he passed, not one of them having the guts to even breathe.

Making his way to the back of the room, James threw himself into the empty bed and stared up at the ceiling with loathing. As he lay there, a small shadow pounced in through a large crack in one of the windows, scurried across the floor, and then sprang on to the end of James's bed.

"Hey Nuts," James mumbled, bringing out a hand to stroke the little squirrel.

"Psst, psst…." An orphan whispered, "James, you are not allowed to have that thing indoors, you are going to get us all in trouble". Nuts glared at the orphan who had spoken, and squeaked her annoyance whilst holding up a paw with a single digit held up (you can guess which finger it was).

"That was the first thing I taught her," James chuckled as Nuts curled up beside him.

A big burly orphan in the bed next to him brought up a giant pillow and slammed it over the boy's head. "You shut the hell up. Hey James, what's going on buddy?"

James smirked, "Hey Tom, what's up man? Where is Angel? I need another escape route."

"Another one? But you promised to help me write a new dirty novel two weeks ago!" spoke a girl with long frizzy hair, who looked up from a book she was reading as she made her way to the end of James's bed.

"Hell yeah another one! You don't expect me to stay in this hell hole when I could be on the streets makin' money and fuckin' bitches! HAHA." James exclaimed.

Yumiko shook her head innocently, reaching out a hand to stroke Nuts too.

"Well I've got a problem with it," Tom piped in.

"Shut up you Irish bastard."

"Hey, listen up you little cunt, every time you escape the old bat gives us hell. Do you want to know where that skank Angel is? She got stuck in cellars; she's been down there for two days, because they knew she was the one that blew out that big hole you escaped through."

James puffed, "Please, Angel is tougher then she looks, she can handle it. And I fail to see how her giving YOU hell is my problem."

Tom's frown widened, "You listen here James, one more escape and we all get thrown in there for a long time, and let me tell you, if I end up down there, I'm kicking you as…."

The lock on the door unlocked. Yumiko squealed and sprang for her bed. Her book wrestled with her boobs as she tried to stuff it into her shirt.

A girl with a small top hat, and stripped green and black gantlets, was tossed into the room. The door slammed shut behind her, and then was locked again.

She glared at the door for only a moment before marching to the back of the room, yelling as she did, "Where the hell is that little punk that made all my suffering worth nothing? JAMES!" She sprang for his bed and wrapped her hands around his throat.

"Wahoo! Angel! Wait!"

Angel glared down into James's fearful eyes, before a smile cracked on her face, "Eh, I'm just kidding James. It's cool." She promptly released James' throat and remarked, "I decided to redecorate the cellar for us while I was down there."

You could hear Yumiko squeak in excitement, with her task of hiding her book already given up on.

Angel stood up on James's bed and waved her hands out, taking a bow, she called to everyone in the room, "And Angel has done it again!"

Yumiko giggled and clapped enthusiastically.

"SHHHHH!" several voices pleaded.

"Ah knock it off all off you groovy cats! The old lady went to bed."

"You Americans," Tom shook his head, "always in it for the show."

"Stick it Leprechaun."

"Why don't you take a rod and shove up your…."

"Hey no fighting or the witch will come and take away my yaoi again." Yumiko glared at them both with an obvious grudge.

"Can it you English piece of trash."

The eyes of every other orphan in the room looked up, which just caused Yumiko to giggle and stick her tongue out at Tom.

Angel laughed, "Uh oh Tom, now you've done it. Forget where we are again?"

"Alright I'm bored with this shit, time to split." James sprang out of bed, taking Nuts with him. The squirrel quickly made her way onto James's right shoulder, her customary spot.

"Where are you going?" Yumiko cried.

"I already said it—I am out of here. The oppressors are asleep and I am booking it."

Tom got out of bed, "Well if you are leaving then I am too, no way am I sticking around here to take the fall for you."

James smiled. "That's my buddy Tom." He promptly punched him in the arm.

Yumiko buried her face in her pillow. "I won't leave without my stuff! Uh uh, never going to make me because you can't sees me!"

Angel shot down onto the floor, her hands placed on her hips, "You guys are dorks. You know you are only going to get brought back here again right?"

"Doesn't matter," James said, turning back to her, "now do you have another way out?"

Angel's smile grew, she reached into her pocket and slapped an envelope onto James's open palm. "Baby I got several, in fact, there is one for each of us."

James stared down at the fancy envelope in his hand, "What the hell is this?"

"It's a letter from some school that wants us".

"What school would want us?" Tom asked, ripping open the envelope that was passed to him.

Yumiko slid out of bed and grabbed her envelope next. "Well if it's a school then they are bound to give me inspiration for my new story, hey they might even have someone who will play 'Name That Song' through a whole class period!"

"Hogwarts," James read, "what the fuck is Hogwarts?" Another set of eyes peered over James's shoulder, staring at the parchment with curiosity.

"I don't know," Angel responded back, "keep reading."

"School of wiz…."

"Shhh!" Angel leaned in, "Not out loud you douchebag!"

James finished reading quickly after that, "I knew it!" he said at last, "I knew I wasn't normal!"

"I don't believe it," Tom shook his head, "this has to be some kind of joke."

"Oh it's no joke," Angel replied. "That old bitch bat saw these and flipped! Why do you think she was so peeved at us? Well ok, more peeved than normal. I say you either hop on board with the rest of us Tom, or get hell off this train."

"Oh yeah? Well if this is real, then prove it, California."

Just then a wall caved in on the other side of the room. The orphans in curled up in their beds were too startled to even scream at what they saw coming in through the gaping wall.

A giant man with a large jacket and boots entered the room, "Well hello you four, my name is Hagrid and I am here to help you get to Hogwarts."

Yumiko went wide eyed and whispered "Tall!" as she made her way to his right arm and began trying to climb it.

James, Angel, and Nuts all turned to look at Tom, who simply folded his letter into his pocket and said, "Well, I'm a believer."