Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
"Kate?"
Castle pokes his head into their bedroom to see if she's awake yet. She spent the better part of the night crying in his arms so he doesn't want to rob her of any sleep, but if she's not up soon they're going to be late. Sure enough she's sitting up with her legs swung over the side of the bed still wearing the same sweater she wore yesterday. Her phone is clutched in one of her fists against the bed.
"He's alive," she says softly.
"Who is?" Castle asks gently, entering into the room.
She bunches the sheet up with her free hand. "Kimball."
He moves over to sit beside her. "Isn't that a good thing? I really don't think I could handle you dealing with a murder charge right now."
Kate looks over at him without turning her head for a brief moment before she turns her gaze back to the wall in front of her. Castle takes her free hand in his and rubs his thumb over her cracked and bruised knuckles. She immediately retracts her hand from his grip and moves it to her lap.
He sighs and moves to rub her back instead. "Come on, we're going to be late."
"No," she says shaking her head. "I'm not going."
"Kate, we need to –"
"The last time I went to a funeral I got shot. The last time I buried a member of my team, of my family…"
She trails off as a sob catches in her throat.
"Lanie's going to need you there. And Jenny –"
She shakes her head again, her hair falling around her face as she drops her gaze to her lap. Castle reaches out and tucks some of her curls back behind her ears.
"You're going to regret missing it if you don't go," he tells her.
"That's the same thing my dad said to me when he was trying to get me to go to my mom's funeral."
"Did it work for him?"
Kate sighs and stands up. She starts to pace back and forth by the bed, but she doesn't answer him. She runs her hands through her hair and Castle can see the damage on both hands from repeatedly connecting with Kimball's face. It had taken both himself and Gates to get her off of him. She pauses by the bedside table no doubt because she spotted the picture of the four them she had carried in to bed last night.
"They were like my brothers."
"I know. I loved them too."
"Who's going to cover for us with Gates when we decide to chase down our own lead? Who's going to notice that we're missing when we get trapped in another freezer? Who's going to be our backup? Who's – who's going to help us take down Bracken? No one else knows, Castle. It was just us. Just us four. And now…now it's just…you and me."
Castle gets up from the bed and moves over to her. He wraps his arms around her and she fights him at first like she did last night. But she soon gives in and collapses against him as the sobs wreck her body. Tears roll down his cheeks and drip from his chin into her hair.
"We're gonna get through this," he whispers.
"How? We're the only ones left. They're coming for us next."
"This was an accident…well sort of. But no one was setting out to kill them specifically. No one's trying to send you a message."
She tightens her grip on him. "I'm sorry. I – I know."
Castle looks down at her. "Hey, don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Kate presses her body into his, her face buried in his shoulder. It makes his heart ache.
"It's okay. I'm here," he assures her.
He knows her PTSD is back. He noticed it last night when she kept waking herself up. Esposito was the one to get her out of her funk last time, but that's no longer an option.
"Come on. We need to get ready," he tries again.
"Castle, I can't go to that funeral," she tells him, stepping out of his embrace.
"Because it makes their deaths real?"
"Well that and…I'm going to look like a crazy person. Constantly looking over my shoulder, jumping at every little sound. For whatever reason, my PTSD is back and it's bad."
She rubs at her chest, her eyes focused down on her bare feet.
"Hey, I'll be with you the whole time. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
"I feel really selfish," she starts, her head lifting up to look at him. "They're dead, and all I can think about is when my turn is coming. And about how I'm afraid to go to their funeral. They were my brothers, Castle."
"I know."
Kate nods and walks over to the closet, running her hands across her row of clothes until her hand lands on her set of blues.
"Kate, I know that I'm not the same thing as an actual detective or even an actual cop, but I will continue to help you on cases. And I know I'm not much and that I don't have the same kind of resources they had, but I have different resources, and I will help you take down Bracken when the time comes."
She pulls her uniform from its hanger and turns to give him a sad smile. "Just don't go and get yourself killed too. I won't survive it."
The last time she wore this uniform, they had been burying Montgomery. The last time she wore it she had been shot. Despite the fact that she had been issued a new uniform due to what happened to the last one, she can still smell the blood, her blood, on it. She knows it's not really there, that her PTSD is just messing with her. But it makes her skin crawl just the same.
They wanted her to speak like she had been doing at Montgomery's funeral when she got shot. She had refused initially fearing not only that she would be too emotional to talk, but that the déjà vu of it all would send her into hysterics. But being here at the cemetery, she feels compelled to get up and speak. She not only owes it to her boys, but she owes it to herself to prove she can get through a funeral without getting shot at.
When the pastor welcomes friends and family to say a few words, she moves forward without even thinking. She can feel Castle's eyes on her and can tell that he's just as on edge as she is about the whole déjà vu thing.
"Detectives Ryan and Esposito were great men and great detectives. But more importantly, they were great friends. Javier and Kevin were like brothers to me. I was shot the last time I stood up to speak at a funeral and developed a severe case of PTSD from the event. Javi helped me to get through it. He helped me get through a lot of things. So did Kevin. We were a team, the three of us plus Castle. We were a family."
Her voice hitches as a sob catches in her throat. She closes her eyes and their faces appear behind her closed eyelids. She can feel the tears streaking down her cheeks. A hand grabs onto hers and she opens her eyes to see Castle standing beside her. She squeezes his hand gratefully as he continues for her.
"It could have just as easily been Kate and I in that building. But it wasn't us, it was them. It isn't fair that they died and that we're still here simply because they picked up on a lead before we did. It's not fair. Kevin became a father the same night that he lost his life. I was going to ask both of them to be my best man at our wedding because I knew there was no way I was ever going to be able to pick between them. They were the best friends I've had in a really long time. And it's not fair. They will be truly missed."
Kate pulls him off to the side and into a hug as Gates gets up to say a few words. Castle's grip on her is tight and she can feel his chest rising and falling at a rapid pace against her as he cries. She makes the mistake of looking over at Lanie, Jenny, and little Sarah Grace. She hugs Castle tighter not even wanting to think about what it would be like to lose him.
"Babe?" she asks when the speeches have stopped and people begin to mill around giving their condolences.
He looks down at her in his arms, his eyes as puffy as hers feel.
"I'm so glad you weren't in that building."
"Me too." He kisses the top of her head. "I'm thankful that you weren't either."
They stand there in silence for a while, wrapped in each other's arms, just watching everyone else, until Lanie catches her eye. She pulls on Castle and starts to head over to her. Kate knows that whatever comes next isn't going to be easy, she's lost too many people already to think any differently. All she can do is put one foot in front of the other and pray that tomorrow is going to be easier.
AN: I'm really sorry. I'm bawling as I type this. I think Shonda Rhimes taught me a little too well.