Drinking with Jacob
A GTA4 short story by Wiiplayah43
Niko woke up in the ratty shithole his cousin called an apartment. He thought to himself, "I should check my email today…". Niko saw a large cockroach skittering across the floor. Not wanting to get its guts all over his bare feet, he picked up his pistol off of the kitchen table and shot a round at it, the bullet's size effectively tearing the roach in two. "Fucking cockroaches…" Niko said aloud.
Niko dressed, and stepped out of the cold, half-comfort of the apartment into the outside world. The hot dog vendor was busy as usual, trying to attract customers with his disturbingly perverse, perverted, and provocative slogans. "Hey there! Bite this plump meat for a juicy explosion!" the vendor shouts as Niko steps up to him. "One hot dog, please." Niko requests. "Here ya go!" says the vendor as he hands Niko a peculiar-smelling hot dog. A scowl forming across his brow, Niko asks, "You didn't spit in this did you?" "Oh, of course not!" the vendor said, an obviously fake smile spreading across his face. "Ya lucky I didn't piss in it, ya fucking Commie…" he said under his breath. "I heard that, you fuck! Do that again and I'll break your fucking arm!" Nico threatened.
Niko dropped the hot dog at a hobo's feet and pulled out his Badger cell phone. After dialing a number, he put it up to his ear. "Hey Roman, it's your cousin. Any chance of getting a cab?" Niko asks. "No problem, NB!" replied his cousin. "I'm sending one out now. And hey, how about we go to the tittie bar soon, eh?" "Thanks, cousin. And sure, let's go to the strip club soon." Niko hung up, and waited for Roman's cab.
After a short while, a black Esperanto pulled up to the curb. The driver seemed as eager as ever to serve Niko. "So, I see you've decided to take time off from banging your boyfriend all night and day to take advantage of your cousin's generosity!" the cab driver greeted. "Yeah yeah, it's nice to see you too. Drive me to TW." said Niko. "Oh, I see. Going on for more trouser meat, hmm?" the driver bitched. "Just shut up and drive." Niko replied, becoming annoyed by the driver's attitude. Niko's phone rang. It was Little Jacob. Niko answered. "Ey, breda, wa gwa'an? Ja wanna go get some booze?" greeted Jacob, his thick Rastafarian accent as hard to understand as ever. "Sure." Niko answered. "Rasta. Joo pick up I n' I in a hour, seen? One love, me breda."
Niko hung up and said to the cab driver, "Change of plans. Take me to Jacob's place. You know where it is." The driver bitched, "Even after all this time, I still cannot believe that I am playing delivery boy for your one-night stands!" "Shut the fuck up…" replied Niko.
When they arrived at Jacob's apartment building, Niko got out, and the cab driver bid him farewell with "I hope you enjoy sucking your date's chocolate salty balls! Goodbye!" and drove off before Niko could even reply. "Fucking cunt…" Niko thought to himself as he opened the door to the building.
Niko climbed several flights of stairs, ignoring the evil-eyes he was getting from the apartment building's other residents. One particularly rude punk shouted over "Ey, git 'yo Commie bitch ass the fuck outta here, cracka!". All it took was a single flash of his pistol, and the punk ran away as fast as he could. "If he keeps that up, someday he'll end up dead or worse…" Niko said aloud, raising his voice to make sure the punk heard him. A little later, he reached Jacob's apartment and knocked on the door.
Shortly after, Little Jacob stepped out, a marijuana cigarette in his mouth as usual. As the smoke crept up Niko's nostrils, he resisted the urge to cough. "So, are you ready to go, Jacob?" he asked. "Shoo am, breda. Les go get inebrated, sight?"
They exited the apartment and Niko, realizing they didn't have any transportation and there wasn't a cop in sight, pointed his pistol at the driver of a nearby Turismo. "I'm taking this car! Don't try any shit!" he said! The driver quickly got out of the car and ran away. "Joo bedda run, ja bumbaclot!" Jacob yelled out to him.
Niko checked for cops one last time, and they got in the car. "Ey breda, ja mind if I n' I roll up de windows, keep de ganja in de car? Hot box, seen?" Jacob requested. Niko hated inhaling marijuana smoke, but he didn't want to be rude. "Sure Jacob, go right ahead." Said Niko as he resisted a violent urge to cough.
"So, what joo been up to, me breda?" Little Jacob asked as he took a puff of his ganja. "The usual," replied Niko. "Working for mob bosses, drug pushers, 'roided-up car dealers, all that." "Rasta. Me n' Badman been hittin' up n' dealin' out de herb overtime, seen? Bidness be goin real well, me breda." Jacob said in response. "Good." Said Niko.
They arrived at the bar in the northern part of Broker and, without so much as another word to each other, began drinking their hearts out. What started as a few beers soon escalated into a massive rum & vodka-drinking contest, and the whole bar cheered them on all the while. Things were going really well, when a heavily inebriated biker gang stood up from the corner of the bar. They walked over to the two drinking comrades, and a rather large one bearing a crude tattoo of the V-Rock radio station logo on his arm slugged Niko in the face, knocking him to the ground. With some effort, Niko staggered to his feet and punched him in the stomache. "Bar fight!" a man in the center of the bar called out.
Everything had developed into chaos. They were punching each other, kicking each other, and breaking beer bottles over each other's heads. By the time about 5 skulls had been fractured, 9 legs were broken, and 6 hopes of having children were bashed, smashed, and crashed, the bartender decided he had had enough, and he produced a shotgun from behind the counter. "Alright, now all 'a you get the fuck outta here!" He shouted while waving his shotgun around. Every person in the bar scrambled out the door, including Niko & Jacob.
Not quite sure what was going on, but aware he was outside, Niko shouted out to a nearby taxi "YELLOW CAR!" The taxi cab stopped and Niko & Jacob stumbled in, drunk out of their minds. "Take us to his place, then my place, mister man!" Niko told the driver. Fortunately, the driver knew both of them, so he knew where to go.
They got to Little Jacob's place, and Jacob lumbered out of the car. "Ey rasta, 'da was real rasta, ja seen, rasta?" he called out to Niko. "Yeees, very, very fun! See you sooon!" Niko replied. "This is going to be one fuck of a hangover!" he exclaimed as the taxi drove toward his apartment.