Foot in the Door
by faketreefinger
Grissom's eyes hovered over the same sentence for far too long. He had read it at least 40 times, but not really read it. He didn't want to look up, but he couldn't focus. All he could think about was Sara's presence in the doorway to his office.
Just… there. Not saying anything. Not clearing her throat. Not knocking tentatively on the frame. Just… standing there. And really, he didn't want to linger too long on the fact that he knew it was her without even looking up. He told himself that he could recognize her shadow but that didn't make sense. In fact, it was kind of weird.
Finally, he could take no more and he lifted his head slowly, peering over his glasses. She looked…agonizingly beautiful. But truly… when didn't she? Grissom had long since decided that Sara was beautiful in a way that no other woman was. He wondered if anyone had ever told her that. Selfishly, he hoped no other man had. Then again… she really should be told that.
She was leaning against the doorframe with her hands out in front of her, jacket draped casually over them. Her gaze locked with his and she seemed alarmingly poised. It was odd how she stood there, just looking at him with a blank, but soft and intent look.
She broke the silence, finally. "You busy?" He was embarrassingly entranced and didn't seem to understand her question. "Griss?"
His eyes widened slightly, surprised by himself and he cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. I mean, no. How long have you been standing there?"
She stepped into the office slightly and shrugged. "Like, I don't know… forty-five seconds. A minute maybe."
Well, time certainly was relative. He felt like she had been there for at least five.
"Oh."
"You okay?" she said with a quick smile.
"I'm okay. Just tired, I guess," he lied. It was a lie because at the moment he didn't feel quite so okay and he wondered why her presence had thrown him so far off kilter.
He was usually so good at keeping it together, but he had to admit that he wasn't devoting as much energy to it as he used to. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. Maybe.
"I just didn't want to interrupt anything," she said but not in a timid manner like the statement might usually merit.
"You're not," he replied casually to urge her on. His curiosity was awakened, he had to admit. Though, past experience and her unusual manner sent an alarm to his brain that this was going to get… personal. Instinctively, he searched for a reason to mention work. "You should be home by now, though. Your shift was over an hour ago."
She let out a humorless chuckle and replied softly, "Yours too."
"True. And I'll be out of here as soon as these are out of my way," he said with a gesture to the blanket of papers covering his desk.
"Well, I guess this can wait then," Sara suggested, but didn't back away or turn for the door.
"So can this. What's up?" he said, placing his pen on the desk, hoping it would implore her to continue with whatever was on her mind.
All of a sudden, she seemed hesitant and glanced at the open door. It appeared as though she was deciding something and he noticed her hands fidgeting under the jacket.
"Sara?" he said, looking out the door and back at her face. She winced only slightly and in one fluid motion, she closed the office door. His eyebrows raised and she looked back at him, her hand still resting on the knob. "Everything okay?"
She said nothing as he walked over to the chair in front of his desk and draped her jacket over it. She glanced around the office nervously as she sat down.
"Alright," she finally said in an odd tone he didn't remember hearing before. She looked straight at him and he took his glasses off.
He wanted to force the words from her mouth. He wanted to know what she was going to say. And to be honest… he wished he had an eject button underneath his chair.
"Grissom… this might be a heavy conversation but I think it's long overdue," she finally told him. Her voice had found a perfect balance between confidence and uncertainty.
After a moment, he nodded without really knowing why. He was pretty glad she closed the door, however. Surely, this conversation would have something if now everything to do with their relationship.
"Okay… wh… what would you like to, uh… discuss?" he stammered and swallowed hard.
She rolled her eyes, but retained a smile as if she were amused at him feigning innocence. "Us, Grissom. Us."
"Okay."
"Yeah. I tried, some time ago, to kind of… get it out there. But I think that was unsuccessful because I didn't really say," she paused and added slowly, "…what I wanted to say."
He knew what she was talking about and acting like he didn't would be useless. She was referring to the day she had come into his office, much like this time, and verbalized all of the things he never wanted her to, but wanted her to all at the same time.
She came to Vegas for him. He was more than boss to her. She apparently "looked for validation in inappropriate places."
He didn't want to be an "inappropriate place." And he didn't want to be her "validation." He didn't want it to be like that. It had to mean more than that.
He took a moment to reflect on that particular conversation and realized… he hadn't said what he wanted to say either.
"You know what I'm talking about, right?" she asked
"I do."
"Good, good," she said, nodding slowly and looking at the floor as if cue cards were lying by her feet.
"And I agree. Things were left unsaid."
Her head snapped up as if she hadn't expected this from him. Seeing the seriousness of his expression, she relaxed a bit. It would be a lot easier; it would go by much faster if he cooperated.
"Are you sure you know what conversation I'm referring to?" she asked, an eyebrow arching in question.
"Yes. Now please, tell me what you meant when you said you 'looked for validation in inappropriate places.' I'm not really sure I understand what you meant by that," he said bravely and leaned forward on his desktop.
And he surprised himself. But when it came to her, he often did.
She smiled and looked away then back at him. "I told you that because I thought it would be what you wanted to hear. But in retrospect… I don't think it did either of us any good. You don't know what I meant. And I wasn't being truthful anyway..."
"So…" he tried to find something to say but trying to act like this admission didn't make him elated…ecstatic was monopolizing his concentration. A smile slipped past his lips and he tried rather unsuccessfully to suppress it.
"Maybe I do look for validation in inappropriate places, but that doesn't apply to our relationship. I know that for sure. And I guess I need you to know that too," she told him. Her voice was remarkably steady and he envied it. He wasn't sure he could maintain the same composure. "I guess that doesn't really matter, though," she added after a moment of silence.
"It matters," he answered quickly, without thinking about it.
It really did. It was a shame that he didn't realize how much it mattered sooner, but it really, really did.
"When I shared my… history with you, I shared something with you that…" she paused and faltered a bit. He overcame the very sudden and strong urge to hug her tightly. "No one else knows. I hadn't talked about…that… in such a long time." She sighed and looked at him earnestly. "I know I didn't act like it at the time, Grissom, but it meant a lot… having someone to talk to."
"Well, I…" he searched for what to say, but as usual nothing came. He hoped to God she wouldn't interrupt him and walk away like she normally did. He looked up and she was waiting patiently for him to speak. For some reason, this calmed him and he smiled warmly. "It means a lot that you would entrust me with that information."
She nodded and continued, "We were pretty good friends, weren't we?"
"I like to think we still are," he answered tentatively.
She offered him a smile. "I like to think that too. But I know we aren't."
He sighed and nodded. She was right. They weren't.
"Ironic, isn't it?"
"What?" he asked, his voice low.
"We were better friends when we lived in separate states…"
He let out a laugh and began playing absent mindedly with the pen in front him. They both knew why they were better friends when they were physically separated, but it was improbable that either one of them would voice it. It was obvious anyway.
They had had a physical attraction to one another since the moment they met. The miles separating them had kept it in check.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Sara inhaled as if about to continue the conversation, but she smiled and shook her head with reluctance. Grissom looked up and his eyebrows rose in question.
Finally, she said, "Remember when I asked you to have dinner with me?"
"Of course," he answered much too quickly.
"I lied," she said suddenly.
"About what?" he asked her as he replayed the conversation in his head, much like he had done the months preceding the dinner invitation.
He smiled at herself and looked down. "Well… I told you that I knew how to handle us…" she gestured between them.
"Yeah…"
"Truth is… I didn't. Still don't," she said and shrugged sheepishly.
"Oh." That was all he could reply. He didn't expect that and he found himself disappointed at the admission.
"Yeah, and I didn't realize it until just recently," she paused, "I'm glad you said no that night, Grissom."
"You are?"
She nodded slowly, sadly. And a hole opened up in his heart. Or rather one was uncovered that already existed. Either way, he had never felt more aware of it.
"Why?" he asked gently, careful not to show his absolute disappointment at her admission.
"Because…" she started slowly. "Because… it wouldn't have worked out."
"Wh—Why is that?"
She let out a strange laugh and cleared her throat. "Because…"
"Because?"
"I think that… then… maybe I was looking for validation. However, feelings have a tendency to evolve and, um… grow, I guess. It's not like that anymore, but I think…" she paused and looked down.
"What?"
She looked back up and smiled sadly. "We wouldn't have been ready for a relationship with each other."
His mouth opened as he searched for a reply. He couldn't figure out which feeling of his was stronger.
Nervous? Oh yeah. Happy? Yeah, and he didn't exactly know why. Scared? Oh, definitely. And that was mainly do to the fact that he realized he might reveal something dangerous before this particular conversation was over. And despite the fact that he was the keeper of his own thoughts and emotions… he felt effortless to stop it. He didn't even know that he wanted to.
Half of him wanted to run. Half of him wanted to just… lay it all out there.
"Look, the point is… I realized something important a few months ago..."
"What's that?" he asked, admittedly on pins and needles.
"I miss you," she answered abruptly, looking straight at him. Not wavering at all.
He was hardly prepared for the onslaught those three words would be to his heart. He felt his stomach flutter and his mouth dropped open slightly.
"I mean, I miss having a friend. I miss having you as a friend, Grissom."
His chest hurt and he realized he hadn't been breathing. He let out a slow breath and looked down at the pen in his hands. She missed him. And he missed her. So much.
"So, I guess the whole reason I needed this conversation is because I need… I need to clear the air, you know?"
He nodded, still studying the pen.
"Make no mistake… I have feelings for you, but I'm dealing with that…"
His eyes snapped up and he winced inwardly. Dealing with that? He hated it that she made it sound so… bad. But he deserved that. He had, after all, made it seem like a bad thing for years. Something that should be ignored and it would go away. But it never did. And he was an idiot to think it some day would.
"But your friendship is important to me and I think that —"
A knock at the door interrupted her and instead of waiting for an answer, the person opened the door and peered in.
"Hey, Griss, you seen Sara?" Nick Stokes glanced over to Sara sitting in the chair. "Oh! Sorry, guys."
"No it's okay, Nick," Sara said. "You're fine."
"Oh. Well, I'll be waiting outside when you're ready to go."
Grissom's jaw flexed and jealousy flared in him like a reflex. Where is she going with Nick? Is that what this was all about? Has she moved on… with Nick? No. No way. They're just friends.
"I'll be out in a few," she told him softly with a smile.
"Alrighty. Later, Grissom," Nick said and cheerily slapped the doorframe.
"Bye, Nick," Grissom replied politely and nodded.
When the door closed, Sara turned to Grissom and exhaled. Grissom tried hard to suppress the look of confusion on his face and hoped to God she didn't sense his jealousy. She must have because she gave him a gentle smile and shook her head.
"My car is in the shop. Nick's giving me a ride home," she explained even though she really didn't have an obligation to.
"Oh," he answered.
"Yeah…"
An awkward moment passed for the first time and Grissom was sure that he was meant to say something… anything. Perhaps he was supposed to do something, too. Unfortunately he couldn't make up his mind.
He also got the feeling that it was a now or never type of situation. She was closing a door. She was trying to close a door. All he had to do was tell her he valued her friendship. That he wanted to be friends with her.
But she had a point. They couldn't be friends like this. Not until the door was completely closed. And locked. And sealed tightly.
He didn't want to be her friend.
"Look, Grissom —"
Oh, what the hell…
"Let me take you home," he interrupted her on a whim. "Instead of Nick. Let… let me."
She looked at him for a moment, face unchanging. She pursed her lips took a deep breath as if considering why this might not be such a good idea. Letting the air out of her lungs slowly, she nodded. "Okay."
"Good," he smiled. "Good. Let's go."
She nodded again and stood up with him. As they went through the doorway, he didn't know what possessed him to do it, but he gently led her through with his hand on her lower back. She tensed for a split second and relaxed, but didn't acknowledge it otherwise.
"I kind of feel bad, though. Nick's been waiting like twenty minutes for me," Sara said when they exited the building.
Sliding his sunglasses on, Grissom looked at her. "Well… he'll get over it."
Her head turned to him and she offered him an amused smile and raised eyebrow. He simply shrugged and kept walking. He felt strange. This wasn't him. She had offered him an out and he hadn't taken it.
All he had to do was agree. Yes. Let's be friends. Nothing else is EVER going to happen. So we can be friends.
Nope. The decision was made. He just didn't want to be her friend. And if it was now or never then it was definitely now.
"Hey, Nick!" She called out to the man leaning against his truck, hands deep in his pockets.
"Hey, guys. Everything alright?" came Nick's Southern drawl as he snapped out of his trance.
"Sorry about making you wait, but —"
"I'm going to take Sara home, Nicky," Grissom interrupted.
It suddenly occurred to him that this looked odd, really. And they had no excuse for this, but Sara was a quick thinker in situations such as these. She seemed to read his mind and offered Nick a little white lie.
"I took some files home that Grissom needs. I know you've been waiting —"
"Don't worry about it," Nick replied with a genuine smile, "It's cool."
"Thanks, though."
"No problem. Ya'll have a good one. See ya tonight," Nick said as he opened his door and climbed in.
Walking away, Sara looked over at Grissom just as he looked at her. They smiled slightly at each other and made their way to his car.
The car ride was quiet and Sara seemed to notice Grissom's apprehension. There was a reason he wanted to take her home. He needed time to think. To think of what to say to her. He needed a way to tell her not to close the door. Keep it open.
I want it open…
They were more than friends. They just were and it would never be otherwise. He didn't want it otherwise.
Years ago he deluded himself into thinking that all he wanted from her was a friend, a coworker. But that was years ago. This was now. And it was now or never.
"Was there something you wanted to say, Grissom?" Sara finally broke the silence.
"Huh?" he glanced over at her briefly then back at the road.
"You said you agreed that there were things left unsaid…" she tried to engage him, but he needed more time.
"Yes."
"Well?" she urged him gently and patiently.
He exhaled and thought back to that conversation they had had months ago. She had dropped a bomb on him. Thrown him a curveball. Any way you put it… he had had no real response.
He remembered searching for the right words. "Lets…" She had interrupted him. Maybe she knew what he was going to say and didn't want him to say it. Maybe she felt pity for him and his discomfort.
He had tried to convince himself that he wasn't going to ask her out that day. That's not what he was going to say. But the truth is… it was. He hadn't thought about it at the time. He had begun to do it on a whim, by letting his heart take the lead. Then she interrupted him and… he had never felt so relieved and disappointed at the same time.
He parked the car in front of her building and turned to her. She was looking at him with that same expression of indifference. He was convinced she had practiced it beforehand. He hoped it was practiced and not genuine.
He could deal with her being upset or angry with him. He liked it when she was happy or satisfied with him. But he didn't know how to deal with indifference.
"Sara, I…" he started and paused, "I just don't… I really don't know."
She rolled her eyes and smiled. Obviously she had kept her expectations low.
"I know you don't. I'm not asking you to know anything," she replied evenly. "You don't have to know anything."
"Then…"
"Grissom, I think…" she paused and looked down, smiling sadly. "I think we really are meant to be just friends. And that's okay."
He was stunned… to say the least. He felt hopeless. This really wasn't how he wanted it, but she was shutting this door whether he liked it or not. Whether she liked it or not. She was moving on. She had feelings for him, but she was dealing with them. She would deal with them and that would be it.
He looked out the window and grasped the steering wheel tightly with his left hand. His heart told him to tell her, no, that's not okay. I've never felt about anyone how I feel about you.
But his brain protected him from making a fool out of himself and the words that she so desperately needed to hear went unheard.
She sighed and nodded at his silence. Honestly, his silence was speaking for him. It wasn't exactly adequate. But the fact that he didn't just agree with her said something. No, it screamed something. She handed him an out on a silver platter and he ignored it completely.
"Okay, well. Just… just think about what I've said. Okay, Grissom?" she finally said as she opened the door. "Thanks for the ride."
He nodded dumbly and swallowed. There was no anger or spite in her tone. Just utter resignation. It had been a long time since he felt this distressed and hopeless.
He was an asshole, he decided. A complete and utter moron.
He watched her walk up the two flights of stairs to her door. He watched her take her key out and slide it into the lock. He watched as she opened her front door and stepped in.
He watched her close the door.
He couldn't stop himself, nor did he want to. He opened his car door and stepped out. With a quickness he rarely used, he climbed the steps and walked up to her door, knocking purposefully.
After a few moments, the door opened. Sara stood there and looked at him curiously.
"Can I come in?" he practically whispered.
She nodded and moved aside to let him pass. He stepped into the room and turned around to face her.
"I thought about what you said…" he told her looking straight into her eyes as she kicked the door closed with the back of her foot.
"Okay," she said slowly.
Grissom closed the distance between them in one brave, fluid motion.
Now or never, now or never. It throbbed in his head rhythmically.
She didn't back away, only raised her eyebrows in silent question.
Slowly and tentatively, he raised his right hand to the side of her face. Gently, he brushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear as he stepped even closer…closer…. She leaned into the intimate touch and closed her eyes. He licked his lips and leaned down to take her lips in a tender first kiss. A series of soft, chaste kisses followed as his left hand copied his right. They rested by her ears, gently playing with the strands of hair there. She whimpered quietly just as he pulled away. His hands still rested on the sides of her face as they both opened their eyes slowly.
They looked at each other, eyes wide, for what seemed like minutes. But only a few seconds passed before Grissom could no longer control himself. He leaned down again and kissed Sara with a bit more force and passion than before. His lips slid over hers hungrily as his hands made their way down to her hips. Her tongue found his bottom lip and he opened his mouth to hers. He squeezed her hips lightly and her hands squeezed his shoulders in response. He moaned faintly into her mouth and began backing her up into the door. She stumbled backwards until his hands made contact with the door. They continued kissing fervently until they could no longer do without the clean oxygen.
Reluctantly, they pulled away and caught their breath. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this good. And never had anything felt so right to him. He smiled at her slightly disheveled hair and once again he tucked the same strand of hair behind her ear.
She simply looked at him, waiting for him to say the right thing.
He took a deep breath and shook his head. Still smiling, he said, "That wouldn't have felt like…" he paused and looked away "like that... if we, uh," he looked back up at her boldly before continuing.
"If we what?" she asked in a hushed voice.
"If we were just meant to be friends," he replied firmly.
He watched as the corners of her mouth slowly turned upward and he felt tension leaving her body and she let out a small laugh. She sighed and nodded. She gave him a look that said what she couldn't seem to say.
Touché. You're right. That's very, very true.
I felt it too.
And just like that, his foot was back in the door.
A/N: Basically, the conversation that they have in "Snakes" is one of my favorite Grissom/Sara moments. I've wanted to write this for a while. Thanks for reading; I hope you enjoyed it. If I were reading this, I would probably say that the ending leaves a little to be desired. But I also didn't want to drag it on. Feedback makes me oh so very happy.