Author's Notes: I do not own Arthur or the knights (I wish I did, though.)
Here are the remains of a diary found in a burial mound on Badon Hill. Carbon dating has put the date of the diary to somewhere in the mid to late fifth Century. From what we have discerned from it, the woman who wrote it lived in or near to the Fort and kept records of Arthur and his knights. What has survived has been restored and transferred onto acid free scrapbooking paper. Alas much has been lost to time and the elements.
Notes have been made where needed.
Mum and dad are sick still. Jols says that they may not live to see spring. I dont want to think about that so I keep busy making a blanket for mum.
We burried mum and dad today. They died three days past. It's just Jols and me now. It feels so odd. I heard the widow next door say something about how it was a shame that I'm only ten and have no parents anymore. It was wrong of her to say that, I think.
Jols came to get me this morning to show me something. New knights have arrived. Artorius is to be their commander. Isn't that great! The fort was begun yesterday. It will be grand.
Jols is working for Artrorius, who likes to be called Arthur now for some reason. I have the job of bringing water to the young knights when they get thirsty. Most of them are nice but a few of them are rude and I spit in their cups.
Jols says that when the fort is finished he and I will move in there. I know that women aren't supposed to live within the walls so I wonder how that will turn out.
The Woads have attacked during the night. Arthur's mother was lost in the fires. I am sad for him. He and Jols have something in common now.
The fort is done... I know it has been a long time since I last wrote but things have been very busy. I have been working both a water bearer for the knights and as a helping hand getting everything taken into the fort. I'm getting pretty strong. Even Jols says so.
I don't know how Jols will take my being friends with some of the knights but I don't care. Gawain (the blond one that reminds me of pictures of a lion) and Dagonet (the gentle one who is so tall he can touch the high shelves without standing on his toes) are quite friendly. They don't seem to be after what the other boys are after (read: friendly company), unlike some (read: Lancelot (the one with dark curly hair), Kay (the short boy with black eyes), Bedevere (Kay's taller, yet just as dark looking older brother) and Bors (Dagonet's cousin, who is short and chubby). Then there is Tristan (dark hair in braids, light browm eyes). He is what mother would have called an enigma. The boy doesn't talk hardly at all. Odd.
Gawain lost his brother today.. We burried him on the Hill with the other fallen knights. I never knew his brother's name. Shameful isn't it. I saw Gawain drinking, I think he'll be really drunk and hung over tomorrow. He is after all only fourteen.
Happy birthday to me... I'm eleven !! Tristan (the one who almost never talks) has offered to teach me to ride a horse. Bors hit on me as he gave me a present, which was my own dagger (Jols was less than happy). Lancelot gave me no gift but has offered to help me with my pesky virginity "problem". Jols hit him and broke his nose. Arthur didn't punish him like I thought he would but Lancelot has been ordered to stay away from me. (I doubt that he will though)
It snowed today... The first snow for the knights here in Britain. Dagonet told me that it snows where he and Bors come from. (He and Bors are cousins) I wonder what Sarmatia is like.
Arthur has instructed Jols and I to prepare for Christmas. The knights are pagan, I wonder how well this will go over with them.
Well, Christmas went over pretty well. Even though it's a christian holiday, the knights didn't object much to getting gifts. I made each of them (yes all of them) a pair of wool socks to keep their feet warm during the winter. (took forever too..) I got a new stylus and some parchment from Arthur. Lancleot tried to get me to go home with him again. Jols didn't have to hit him this time though, I did it myself.
(Year 448)
Jols and I are trying to get things ready for easter. Arthur had said that the children should have something to do. Coloring eggs is messy. Jols' hands are tinted green.. I laughed at him. Alas, I now have a large orange spot on my face.
Bors has found a woman. a friend of mine called vanora. She is Irish. There are many different peoples here at the Wall. Irish, Britons, Romans, all sorts of others.
Welcome Gilly! Bors and Vanora's little boy. Bors is on cloud nine!
(three or four pages missing unsure of exact number)
(year 454 A.D.)
Bors and Vanora have just announced that Gilly will be a big brother. Dagonet is thrilled. He loves the kids around the fort. I have taken to letting him call me "little one" even though I'm nearly eighteen. I tell him that standing next to him, everyone is little. Lancelot keeps trying to hit on Vanora. I think Bors is going to kill him in his sleep one of these nights.
We burried Kay yesterday. He was the last (hopefully) of the knights to fall to the Woads over the winter and spring. So many of them were lost then. There are only a small handfull left. Bedevere is beside himself. I feel bad. I know how it feels to lose a family member.
Another knight has fallen. That leaves Arthur with only Dagonet, Bors, Tristan, Lancelot, And Gawain. Another handful of knights is supposed to arrive within the week. We all miss Bedevere a lot. He was the clown of the group. He always made me laugh.
New knights have arrived. They were a month late. Three of them have the fever and Jols won't let me help Dag treat them. The only ones healthy are Mordred and Galahad. They are so young. I think Galahad is the youngest one.
One of the new (sick) knights has passed on. What a shame. At least he didn't have to die in battle and suffer disfigurement like some of the other had to. (Kay was missing a few fingers by the time he went)
We burried the other two new knights this afternoon. The fever never really left them and they caught a chill and couldn't shake it. Such a shame.
I think Gawain likes me
It's my eightteenth birthday. Lancelot says that I'm eligible to marry now. He winked at me as he told me and tried to put his arm around me. I punched him in the stomach, Bors thought it was funny. Mordred hit on me (ugh!) I hit him back. You know for a knight, he falls over pretty easily!
Jols has an eye out for potential suitors for me (puke). Arthur says that I have the right to marry for love and that it isn't up to Jols who I marry.
Dagonet has asked that I be made his apprentice. He says that I have learned much already and that I'd make a good healer. I am happy about that. Jols has agreed. I start officially tomorrow.
Arthur has discovered that I am a pagan. He isn't mad or anything but he was surprised. I told him that having been able to hang around the knights I was given ample opportuntity to experience their culture. (to which he told me I sounded like a scholar) Jols has known for some time though I have just not written it down.
The Woads attacked again... Mordred was slain. His burial will take place tomorrow due to the lateness of the day. Galahad is all alone now, his young friends have all died. Gawain has taken him under his wing though. I think it will be good for him. Gawain gets his little brother back in a way and Galahad gets a friend. The others pick on Galahad something terrible. Especially Lancelot. I keep telling him to stop but he just won't. Idiot!
Tristan's stupid bird creature has killed three of my chickens! I'm going to fry that thing and serve it to him on a plate with potatoes if he doesn't keep it away from the hen houses. On the other hand... Bors now has the chicken dinner that he's been wanting for three months. So things have worked out for the best yet again.
Gawain has told me how much he enjoys my comapny. He has been heard telling the others that I'm a "sweet girl"
On another (similar) note Tristan tried to kiss me the other night. I'm still confused on that matter. He's never shown any inclination towards me before. But then again he's never shown any inclination towards anything except his hawk and apples. Perhaps this is just a phase for him.
How could I be so ignorant! Tristan has asked me to marry him! I never saw that coming. I don't know who to go to. I thought about asking Vanora what to do but Bors is always about her, trying to get under her skirts, I know that I won't have the privacy I want. I am unable to sleep.
I have asked Dagonet what to do. The converstion went as follows:
Me: Tristan asked me to marry him.
Dag: Do you love him?
Me: I guess I do... I don't really know him that well.
Dag: Then, get to know him better.
Me: How do I do that?
Dag: Get him to talk... ( I raised my eyebrow) I know I know.. difficult task as it is, but get him to open up to you.
Me: Yeah, that'll be REAL easy.
Dag: (laughs)
Me: Not funny Dag, not funny at all. This is a real problem for me. Jols doesn't even know.
Dag: Really?
Me: Really.
Dag: Hmm, well then. You need to get Tristan alone before he'll talk. he won't say too much with Bors and Lancelot around
Me: Don't I know it. Okay, Alone and talking... Anything else?
Dag: Give him an apple.
Me: (rolls eyes) Okay. Wish me luck.
Dag: Good luck Little one.
So as you can see... I got almost NO HELP!!! This is sooooo troublsome.
Of all the things that could have happened today... I was taken completely by surprise this morning by Tristan. He showed up at my door before the sun was up and took me on a picnic. Apparently he too had talked to Dag. We talked...Yes, Tristan talked, excessivley too I might add. I was surprised. We ate bread and cheese and drank what tasted like apple wine. I think he may have made it himself. It was good. I told him that I was weighing my options as far as his proposal. He asked what that meant. I told him that it was my way of making him squirm for a while. He laughed... out loud! Will wonders never cease?
The leaves are starting to turn. The country looks so beautiful around this time. Full of golds and greens and reds. Lancelot says it's just foolish girlyness and only women think this time of year is pretty. He for one sees it as nothing more than a prelude to winter and death. (poor Lancelot for having such a bleak outlook on life) Tristan is sulking due to the short supply of apples. I told him that the harvest is only a few weeks away and I'd make him an apple pie. He seemed to brighten up then. Bors on the other hand is busying himself making his favorite standard... too bad for us though... all the potatoes have gone missing.
I have conceeded to Tristan's request. I will marry him. I just have to tell Jols.
Jols took it rather well. He was grateful that I had chosen a knight rather than a Centurion. I would never think of marrying into the Roman military. Just thinking about it makes me shiver. Tristan has taken to whistling wherver he goes. The others are getting suspicious. All except for Dagonet, who knows.
Another christmas. This one went without insult (from Bors to Lancelot and vice versa) or inury (me to Lancelot)
(Year 456 A.D.)
Well Ketzia, today's the day. Say goodbye to your childhood. You're about to become a bride.
It has been several weeks and a few mighty long nights (read: married life is great!) The others still seem oblivious to Tristan and I being married. Although Lancelot has stopped trying to pick me up and take me to his room. I believe they know but with Tristan one never knows. I'll have to ask.
Yes, my husband has told his comrades. Apparently they're just too busy with their own lives (read: women, drinking and women (and if you're Lancelot: Women)
Jols. Of all the people who could have asked this question first it would be my own brother! "When are you and Tristan going to have children?" Gods, what is it with these people? Can I never get a minute's peace? Here comes Tristan, (I guess no peace tonight either).
(pages warped by water damage: unreadable) six years worth
(Year 460 A.D.)
I turned twenty four today. I was razzed all day by Vanora for not having any children. I'm sorry but I'm just not the baby factory that she is. Tristan and I like to talk more often than not. Don't get me wrong, we DO have sex, but we like to just spend time together is all. We don't need that kind of contact all the time. I told her that the bird is enough for now. She laughed at me.
Vanora and Bors have just had their (I think) ninth child. A girl (again). Third one in a row. Lancelot is teasing Bors about having lost his ability to produce masuline children. Lancelot was sent to Dagonet with a bloody nose (again). I was there to treat him. He picked at me for being "barren". I was not gentle with him when I fixed his nose. The black eyes should go away after a few weeks.
Tristan and I are expecting our first child. Summer approaches quickly and I'm afraid of spending the summer heavy like that. I have seen what it does to Vanora. But then again she's already working on number ten. Girl just doesn't know when to quit.
Autumn is nearing. The harvest is approaching faster than I remember. A shipment of herbs arrived this morning from the south. I am now, almost exclusively, on my own as a healer. Dag says I'm good enough to be on my own. Lancleot is grateful. He now has a choice who he goes to when he's injured. For some reason he's afraid of me. ( I wonder why)
It's christmas. Dagonet got me my own mortar and pestle. I got a bunch of baby stuff from Vanora. Gawain made a cradle for us. It was sweet. Jols gave me a shawl that used to be mother's. I cried when I opened it. Galahad just sat quietly and watched. I still don't think he gets the purpose of such holidays. Tristan got his usuals: an apple pie from me (which he enjoys a little too much if you ask me), a new quivern of arrows from Arthur, and some of Vanora's home brew. Alas I cannot drink it due to the baby.
(Year 461 A.D.)
The year has turned, another has come and I'm still with child. Dagonet says that the baby is just "not ready". I'm sick of being pregnant! My hips hurt, I walk funny and I've started to get all manner of strange feelings in my lower abdomen. I hope it is what Dag says it is, (read: labor) and not what Vanora says (false labor). I just want to meet this little person who I've carried inside me for so long. Tristan is getting anxious as well. I see him pace often these days. He is loathe to go too far from the fort. Jols on the other hand is simply busying himself and from what I hear he's trying to not think about it.
It has been a eventful weekend. In the past three and a half days I went from being (quoted from above) "sick of being pregnant" to being a mother. Our little girl was born day before yesterday. We have yet to name her as Tristan wants to use a Sarmatian name and I wish to use a Brittish one. We are at odds here. I think I'll compromise with him and let him name the boys if I get to name the girls.
Jillian, is now a week old (my compromise worked). She has a full head of coal black hair and doleful eyes that Jols says come form our father. She doesn't cry much to which Vanora tell me I'm either very lucky or cursed. Apparently her second daughter, (number four) was quiet like that as well but then she learned to speak and hasn't shut up since. She also says that our second won't be so enjoyable.
Spring has finally come to the Wall. The trees are in full bloom and the air is filled with the sounds of birds... and Jillian's wails. She has found her voice and what a voice it is! Tristan and I haven't gotten very much sleep in the past few nights. Vanora tells me to check her mouth, she may be teething. I checked this morning and sure enough, there it was. A small sliver of white protruding from her upper gums. Poor thing. It must hurt something fierce. I'd cry as well.
Bors and Vanora have another son. Number ten. Honestly, have you ever heard of names?
It's my birthday. I turned twenty five. Lancelot has come up with a dandy song about me being a quarter of a century old. Bors thought it was funny and Galahad even snickered. I had to remind Lancelot that he was older than me and he would die before I would. He said he would die in battle. To which I replied that it would be battle with me, that I was going to kill him. I chased him with a spoon. Bors fell off his chair he was laughing so hard.
Summer has arrived again. Jillian is crawling. Tristan has to keep his weaponry up off the floor now. And as a precaution, the hawk has been moved outside to a special cage. It was Tristan's idea. The bird was less than pleased. Vanora and Bors are going to have another child. I think this makes eleven but I'm not entirely sure. The pressure is on Tristan to "keep up" but he only shakes his head and tells them "In due time". I'm lucky to have him.
In the spring Arthur says that the knights will recieve their release papers. I am happy for them. Tristan wants to go home to Sarmatia. I'll be going with him of course. Jols will be sad but I cannot just let my husband leave without me.
Another christmas. Galahad's even got into the spirit. Jillian and Bors' children "decorated" Dagonet like a christmas tree. It was a sight believe me. There was much celebrating. Galahad is anxious to go home. He alone has been here for less time. He still remembers his home. Bors will more than likely stay. Vanora will make him. Gawain wants to marry a Sarmatian woman and have lots of chubby babies with her. Lancelot I think will never marry, he's too much of a whore. Dagonet will more than likely open up a small clinic in his village. His healing skills will come in handy. I will go with Tristan back to his Halani tribe. He says that he lives far on the eastern side of Sarmatia. It will be a long journey I'm sure.
(Year 462 A.D.)
The snow is beginning to melt. Jillian cried all morning because her "snow horse" was melting. At least that was what I discerned from her wails. Her birthday is coming up. Her first. Tristan and I wish to do something fantastic for her. But we have no ideas.
The air is starting to warm and Jillian is anxious to go outside and play with Bors and Vanora's children. I really do wish those two would name their kids. I hate having to refer to them by numbers. Vanora only shrugs whan I mention it.
They left this morning. Before the sun as a matter of fact. I was up with Jillian so I saw them leave. They're going out to meet with the carriage that is carrying some Roman bishop and their release papers. I hope they arent out too long. Jillian is quite attacked to her "da". I hate the thought of trying to put her to bed without him there. It's like our own personal war. Jillian versus mummy. She usually wins and ends up sleeping on the floor in our room.
My hands tremble even as I write. Arthur and the knights are ordered to go north of the Wall to retrieve a Roman family and bring them back safely. All this on the day they're supposed to be freed. I fear for my friends and my brother. Jols is going with them. I'm frightened out of my wits. They leave at first light.
(passage unreadable: ink smeared)
How am I going to explain this to Jillian?
The caravan arrived this morning. I was happy to have my friends and brother home... until I saw his horse. Dagonet has been killed by Saxons. (sentence missing: ink smeared) Tristan says that the Saxons are coming to the Wall and we will be going with the caravan at dawn to the south and safety. We burried Dagonet. Bors is not taking it well. (neither am I)
I sit and wait. Tristan and the remaining knights (Lancelot, Gawain, Galahad and Bors) have gone to be with Arthur who has decided to stay and defend the fort. My hands tremble and I fear for my borthers. Jols has stayed as well. Black smoke fills the sky. Vanora and I sit together and hold each other tight. Jillian is so young, she doesn't understand. Gilly knows what is happening as do numbers two, three, four and five. We sit on the southern side of the large hill and wait. As the women of Sarmatian knights Vanora and I have decided that should the Saxons break through we will fight to defend our children. Even though Gilly is only ten and a half, he will take the remaining children and flee. These are his orders.
A Woad scout has come to retrieve us. I could not understand his words but he waved for us to return to the fort.
I walked among the carnage of the battle. Woads and Saxons lay dead all around. It made my skin crawl. The smell of burning tar was sticking in my throat and it made me cough. I was take aside by Arthur and was told the worst news I could get. Tristan was killed. I don't remember anymore. Jols told me later that I fainted. My husband, my love is gone.
I stood in silence today. I watched as Lancelot and my Tristan were laid to rest. Lancelot's body was burned as per his request. The Woad woman, Guinevere, stood near to Arthur. I think she will become his woman. There is a boy, called Lucan. Bors and Vanora will take him in as their own. I don't think anyone would notice if they did, as many offspring as they have.
I discovered today that I am pregnant. It's a shame that Tristan will never know this child.
As a young widow, I seem to have more respect around the fort. But I'm lonely. I seek out my friends. Galahad and Gawain are more than helpful in regards to Jillian. Galahad has his sights set on a pretty blond Woad girl. Odd for him. I didn't think he was remotely interested in Woad women. Gawain on the other hand seems to have no interest in women save Jill and me. Bors is busy with his eleven (yes eleven) children. I think Vanora may even be pregnant with number twelve. I keep telling those two to give those kids names or they'll be hated for the rest of their lives. Bors only laughs.
(Year 463 A.D.)
Jillian celebrated her second birthday, our first without her Da. She misses him. So do I.
Arthur and Guinevere have gotten married. Arthur is now a King. I didn't know Guinevere was a princess but then again I don't know much about Woads.
I gave birth to a son last evening. I am calling his name Owen.
Yesterday Gawain came over for dinner. He played with Jill and put her to bed for me (she doesn't fight him). We sat up until the early hours of this morning talking. I was surprised to discover how Gawain actually felt about me. It turns out that when I thought he liked me I wasn't mistaken. He has kept it to himself for eight years out of respect for Tristan (and fear I think) After he left I could feel the heat in my face. I had to be blushing. I haven't blushed in years. Not since Tristan courted me.
Jols came up to me this afternoon and asked me an odd question. He asked me whether or not I was still mourning. It has been little less than a year since the Big Battle. I told him I was unsure then asked him why. He told me that Gawain had approached him about courting me.
I don't know how to feel. I still love Tristan, he was my husband. But it feels nice to have someone (even if it is Gawain) give me attention. I feel like a girl again.
I have been holding off giving and answer to Gawain. I still feel like it's betraying Tristan's love.
Jillian said something to me this morning that bears repeating. She asked me if her "papa Gawain" was coming over today. I sat back in my chair and pondered.
I spoke to Arthur and asked him and Guinevere what I should do. Arthur assured me that I would not be betraying Tristan, that he would wish for me to live on and try to be happy. He told me I had the "god given right". Guinevere told me to open my heart to Gawain. She said that I would not be breaking any previous vows. I will speak with Gawain soon.
Bors has announced something spectacular. He and Vanora are getting married. It was met by jeers (or cheers, depending how you heard it) from Galahad and Gawain (Read: "It's about time!") I think it's marvelous. Now all they have to do is name those children.
Gawain told me this afternoon that Galahad's Woad woman is pregnant. Woe to the world if that child is male, I swear.
Gawain and I spoke. He and I have agreed to keep thing simple for now. But I am allowing him to court me.
(Year 464 A.D.)
Jill's third birthday.
It is Owen's first birthday. Gawain was present as was Galahad and Bors. I think they have taken to the boy. Bors says he looks more like Tristan every day. I cry at night.
Gawain asked me to marry him. I didn't answer him. He told me to take my time. I went for a walk. I ended up on the Cemetary Hill. I sat and "talked" with Tristan for a long while. After a few (okay, a lot) of tears I decided that I deserved to be happy just as much as if I had died and Tristan was left alone. I would have wanted him to remarry to have another parent for Jill and Owen.
Gawain and I are living together. Jillian thinks it's absolutely marvelous. She loves having him there when she wakes. He has told her she's old enough to learn to ride. She's ecstatic. She will be given Tristan's old horse to learn on. He's gentled down enough from not being ridden into open battle for the past couple of years. I'm not so afraid she'll get hurt as I'm afraid she'll hurt the horse. Jillian is half Sarmatian after all. Gawain assures me all will go well.
It is summer and the sun beats down on us all. Bors is his usual cranky self. Galahad and Maisie had a boy. They called his name Reece.
There are new knights at Arthur's table this year. Not Sarmatians though. Britons. A Romano-Briton called Ganis, who fought with Arthur during the Big Battle and my own brother. Arthur made Jols a knight. I'm happy for him. He still keeps to the stables but he's been given status. Father would be proud.
I have told Gawain that he and must marry me soon. I am with child. He took the news rather well. He fell off his chair.
Guinevere has announced that she is with child as well. She and I are to give birth around the same time. Arthur wishes to call the child Lancelot if it is a boy but Guinevere says that (if it is a boy) his name will be Artorius Lancelot Castus. I'm unsure if they have a girl name.
Gawain is under pressure now to think of names. He thinks Tristan is a good name but I don't want to use it. He sees my point but still thinks it would be a high honor for his first son. I asked him "what if it's a girl?" to which he responded "Trista?" I had to laugh.
(Year 465 A.D.)
I understand that a length of time has past, but alas the winter was harsh and no ink has been supplied.
Arthur and Guinevere have had a daughter. They are calling her Marcella. I think it's an awfully masculine name for a girl, to name her after the god of war. Guinevere doesn't seem to mind so I guess it isn't my place to argue.
It has been three days since Arthur and Guinevere were made parents. Gawain and I had our babies (yes babies) yesterday evening. I suggested the names Leander and Lysander for our sons. Gawain asked me what they meant. I told him they meant "lion-man" and "liberator" (respectivley) in the language of the Greeks. After some consideration he agreed to it. Leander and Lysander. Our twins! Oh my!
Gawain and I were married in a quiet ceremony last evening. Those in attendance were arthur, Guinevere, Galahad and Maisie (his little Woad woman), Jols and his new lady friend, a young woman called Joy, Bors and Vanora (at least they had the decency to leave their brood at home) and Merlin (who officiated) It was, like I said, quiet. Now we can get on with our lives as a family.
(many pages have been cut out, possibly by someone who didn't want them read)
(final page)
I burried Gawain today. We lived a long time together. I still think about Tristan often. I wonder how long it will be until I join them, the men I love. Jillian, Owen, Leander, Lysander, Jonah, Amiee, and Allegra are all grown now with families of their own. I am left alone in the fort. An old widow woman again. Although I don't think there will be anymore courting for me. I am too old.
We lost Arthur during the past winter. Guinevere is not doing well. Marcella and her brother, Lancleot Artorius Castus, King of Britain are trying their best to console her. I feel she may join him before the end of the year.
Jols and Joy are still here. Although they have moved farther down the Wall to the east. Their children visit me often. Such good children.
Galahad and his son, Reece are here for the funeral. Maisie is still missed, as is the young one who didn't make it. He keeps asking me to come with him up north. But my old bones couldn't handle the cold. I told him no. He leaves tomorrow afternoon.
I miss them all. I even miss Bors and Vanora. All fourteen of their children (they have names but alas, I am too old to remember them all) came for the funeral as well. Gilly said some nice words and one of the girls gave me a hug, though I'm not sure which one.
The light fades outside and I must stop writing. Goodnight Gawain, goodnight Tristan. I will be along soon.