Dusk and Summer

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post 'Loss', reflections on pre 'Loss'. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 1 – So Long, So Long

----------

"Hand out the window…Floatin' on air…Just a flip of the wrist…And I am wavin' a goodbye…"

My apartment's never felt so empty. My keys cling against the counter and the sound reverberates throughout the entire space. You would've said something by now. But you're not here.

I just saw you though, I just said "Goodbye". I can't believe it hurts this much. I didn't think it would, I thought knowing you were safe, alive and well would make me feel better…But it doesn't.

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and I bite my lip, swallowing coppery blood.

"…Drive past the lifeguard stand…Where I sit around waiting for you to remember…As I drive…"

I wish you didn't push yourself so hard, I wish you didn't say that to him, I wish you didn't hold me like you did, I wish you never looked at me like that, I wish you never left some of your things here.

You always said a ghost lived here…Now two ghosts live here Alex.

"…How the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes…And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying…And how the grace with which she walked into your life…Will stay with you in your steps…And pace with you a while…So long, so long…So long, so long…"

I went back to work today, you'd be proud of me. I only let one tear escape me, as I read the headline of the morning's paper. Even though I knew you weren't really gone, the squad still felt so empty without you.

I clipped my badge over my heart, the black band still covering my number, in honor of you. No one said a word about my defiance of strictly cop tradition, most of the squad understood.

"…The speaker in this door is blown…So nothing sounds quite right…Takin' my time, takin' this drive, wavin' this town goodbye…And I drive this ocean road and remember…The small of your back…And the nape of your neck…I remember everything as I drive, wavin' this town goodbye…"

When I got home though, I broke down. I played one of the CD's you had left at my place (because you hated the silence my apartment offered) and I cried along with the wailing piano and the raspy saxophone.

I never did like jazz. But it is growing on me; it's one of the few things I have to remind me of you. I remember, I didn't really like you in the beginning either, but you grew on me too.

Now I wear your sweatshirt some nights, because it helps me feel less alone.

"…How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes…And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying…And how the grace with which she walked into your life...Stay with you in your steps…Pace with you a while…So long, so long…So long, so long…So long, so long…"

After work I walked by your old apartment, and stared up at the window you used to gaze out of. I was half-hoping, half-dreaming that I would see your beautiful blonde head of hair and your smile gazing down at me, waving me up to your apartment.

All I saw was darkness.

"…So long, so long…Takin' my time, takin' this drive, wavin' this town goodbye…So long, so long…"

The whole squad knows I'm hurting, some more than others. It hasn't started to affect my job yet, but Don has warned me, but he understands. Elliot understands too.

Elliot takes me out for a drive after work and we end up at an old bridge. I have no idea where we are. Maybe I don't have to know, that's the point.

"…And I will leave under the cover…Of summer's kiss upon the sky…Like the stone face of your lover…Just before she says goodbye…I was certain that the season could be held between my arms…Well just as summer's hold is fleeting…I was here but now I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone, I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone, I'm gone…I'm gone…"

As I sit here I realize something else that I should've known. That no matter where you are Alex, I will be with you. In your mind, in your heart, you'll carry me everywhere.

And no matter where I am, I will have you with me Alex. I will have thoughts of you always in my mind, in my heart, I'll carry you everywhere. I will wear your memory like a badge across my heart, to protect me always.

The memories we have will have to be enough to get us through.

"…I'm gone…"

You're not really gone.

----------

Ok, my first SVU fanfic! (hoots and hollers here) R&R please! (it would be greatly appreciated and it will get you another fic)