Disclaimer: I own nothing; otherwise I would be making money (which I'm not)
Too Afraid to Seek
James watched her. She was beautiful.
She sat unencumbered by the Gryffindor common room window staring out into the snowy grounds. He watched, helplessly, as a tiny glistening tear rolled down her cheek.
Lily ignored it, letting it drip onto her school robe and sink into the fabric, the only sign it had been there at all was the trail it left down her face.
And, of course, the agony in her green eyes.
He itched to wrap his arms around her, to look into her eyes and say it would be okay, to run fingers through her red hair and know that she was his, forever his to protect.
Just as the messy-haired Gryffindor mustered up the courage to approach her, to offer himself as a form of comfort in her time of need, he was defeated in his plan by the arrival of her friends.
They gathered about her, clucking as only friends could, bringing her out of the sorrow she had ensconced herself in. He watched as she let them distract her from the pain, as she sought comfort in their lives. Though, he thought, I should be able to offer her everything she needs.
He always watched her. He always knew where she was, what she was doing and how she felt. Which was why it was so painful to know that she was in agony and there was nothing he could do to ease the suffering.
He rarely had the courage to approach her these days, he knew that before he'd been an irritation to her, yet an amusing irritation, with his constant asking her out, but now he didn't want to antagonise her, he didn't think he'd be able to cope if she cried in front of him, if she broke down with only him to comfort her. He wanted to give her everything and be her rock but he didn't know if she'd accept his help or, even, if he had enough to satisfy her.
So day by day he watched her break. Her friends still clucked around her and she still smiled and talked to them. But her smiles were hollow, her eyes blank and her words held no meaning because they came from her shattered defences instead of her heart.
Lily had been close to her parents, he knew, and their death, especially at the hands of the sick Lord Voldemort made him angry, angrier than he had ever been in his life. Even angrier than when Sirius had told Snape to try and find Remus, even angrier than when he came to the conclusion that Lily Evans would never fall in love with an arrogant boy like himself.
Sirius, Peter and Remus knew that James was hurting for Lily, it was almost as though he was trying to shoulder some of the sorrow of her parents violent death for her. But the more she hurt, the more he hurt and there seemed to be no end in sight of their mutual despair.
They couldn't help him; only he could help himself.
--
One evening in late December, just before the New Year dawned, James cracked. He couldn't take watching her from afar, watching her agony destroy one of the sweetest hearts he had ever been privileged to come into contact with. But still he couldn't bring himself to approach her.
The messy black-haired teenager left Gryffindor tower in a flurry of intense emotions of which guilt seemed to be predominant. He let his feet lead him where they wanted to go while his emotions blurred the world around him into something unrecognisable.
Never in his life before had he indirectly felt so much pain, never had he wanted to comfort someone so much, never had he been so lost and controlled by his emotions but, overall, never had he wanted to kiss her lips, hold her small figure and tell her he loved her more than he did now.
His feet, somewhat predictably, led him through the double doors of the towering castle and to the Quidditch pitch which spread like a dark blanket before him.
"Accio broom," he muttered, holding an outstretched hand patiently.
He was not surprised to find himself here; this was where he left his worldly burdens on the ground and flew high and far away from his problems to gain perspective on them. He wondered where Lily flew to escape her problems, he worried that she had nowhere to go.
His broom whistled obediently across the field and into his grasp. James clambered naturally onto it and rose quickly away from the ground; he did a quick sweep around the terraces of the spectator boxes and then shot, vertically, into the cloudy night sky.
He lost himself for awhile in the clouds, enjoying their wetness against his face and ignoring the chill they sent through his thin cloak to his bones. He felt cold inside; why not outside as well?
Coming back through cloud cover, he felt compelled to look down, feeling eyes on his back. The hairs on his neck began to stand up as the feeling intensified; he scoured the grounds quickly looking for the cause of the sensation. James checked that his wand was still in place at his side; these were dark days and one never knew who could be around, even at a place as secure as Hogwarts.
His eye caught movement on one of the stands. There was only a smudged impression of auburn hair and he became attuned to her inimitable presence.
Her voice snagged on the wind, carried up to him, even at this great height. "James! Come down!" He'd be able to hear her cry wherever he was, he thought.
The Gryffindor swooped directly down to the terrace where she stood, her cloak drawn in tight against the wind.
"Lily," he acknowledged, setting down gracefully in front of her. "What are you doing out here, you'll catch your death of cold!"
She studied him out of tilted green eyes. It had always seemed to James that she took in every part of him, seemed to see right through him and into his soul. "You're friends said you'd be here. They were worried," she added.
James smiled. "That doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?" His voice softened unintentionally.
She bit her lip, staring at him intensely. "I wanted to talk to you… it's just… you've seemed so unhappy lately, I wanted to know if you were okay?"
James let out a blast of air, feeling himself almost deflate. She came to see if he was okay? This girl was incredible.
"I'm actually fine," he replied at length. He paused, feeling as though he was hovering with one foot over the edge of a cliff and an unseen drop reaching out before him. Should he take the plunge? Mustering courage, he made eye-contact with her; "I just hurt when those I love hurt."
She scrutinized him with an indefinable look on her delicate features. "Is it Sirius? Has something happened to him… or Remus…"
"No Lily," he cut her off, trailing his fingers frustratedly through his wind-swept hair. "It's you; it's always been you. I see your face before I go to sleep and first thing when I wake up. You're always in my thoughts and it seems that not a day goes by that I don't see the goodness that you do and fall in love with you that little bit more." Once the barrage had started, it seemed that he couldn't stop himself;
"I can't believe that terrible things happen to good people; but it seems that some magic has no morals and is only created to cause pain. I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you, but I promise you that when we leave Hogwarts I will fight these so-called Deatheaters and kill them, every one.
"I know you don't love me back, but it hurts me so much to see you in such agony and I'd anything to see you smile again…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say next. He'd bared his heart to her even knowing that she didn't feel the same. He could feel her eyes boring into his face but couldn't meet them for fear of what he'd see there.
Lily took a hesitant step forward, and then another, until she stood in front of him. Pressing her fingers under his chin, she tilted her head so that his eyes met hers.
He watched as a slow smile started in her eyes working its way down her features and curling at the edges of her mouth.
"James," she whispered. "Take me flying."
Instinctively his arms went round her and she leaned into his embrace. Turning her head to meet his eyes, she smiled tentatively again. Lily could see all the questions floating in his eyes, whirling behind the brown pupils.
She barely noticed that they'd left the ground until they were floating through the cloud cover. Noticing how damp he was against her, she whispered a warming and drying charm under her breath, leaving them both deliciously comfortable and, she noted, quite cosy.
James marvelled at how well she fit in his arms and how light she was on the broom next to him. He sank comfortably into her warming charm, not for nothing was she the best charms student in the school. But there were still things to be said; what did she want? What did this mean? His heart was bursting in his chest, but would it be for nothing? Goodness knows her heart was delicate too and he didn't want to be the one to hurt her again.
"Lily…" he started.
"I'll be okay," she said abruptly, shaking off his unasked question. "You're a good man, James Potter, and you've changed a lot since I first met you. Dare I say it, you've become quite handsome," she ignored his smirk, playing with his school tie absent-mindedly. She paused thinking about what she wanted to say next.
In that moment, they cleared the clouds and a beautifully clear night sky spread around them in every direction, as far as the eye could see. The stars winked quietly in and out of existence, creating a feeling of being unimaginably small amidst the cosmoc. She marvelled at them, feeling a lightness in her chest that she hadn't felt for a very long time.
"I just need someone who loves me now," she said seriously looking up into his pupils.
James stared back, his heart showing clearly in his eyes. He tangled one of his hands in her scarlet hair, cradling the back of head tenderly. Drawing her close he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. He kept his eyes open, watching for any signs of unwillingness, he didn't want to push this on her.
Her gilt-green eyes were shut though, and she leaned into the kiss, moving her feather-soft mouth gently against his lips. James trembled inside, feeling the heat and power of the kiss lance through him; he pulled away so he could see into her face.
"I do love you, Lily."
"I know. And I also need someone who I love too." She smiled at the look of bliss that crossed his features.
Lily pushed a wayward lock of hair back from his face and leaned in for another kiss, fitting snugly inside the warmth she had so desperately needed but been too afraid to seek.
A/N; please read and review! Let me know what you think, improvements etc (I'm not exactly the queen of one-shots!)