Okay, this idea just can't not be written, even if it is just ridiculous fluff. Just imagine a world where there is no Xingese marriage laws and Greed never died. And that Lanfan doesn't hate Greed. And Greed and Ling were still sharing a body when LingFan's first child was conceived. But Greed magically got a body of his own when Lanfan was still pregnant with said child, so now the baby has a mother and two father's cause that's how sleep-deprived me rolls.

Fullmetal Alchemist is not owned by me, but by a cow with glasses (and that isn't the sleep-deprivation talking.)

First Word

When Niu Yao was born, there was just a bit of controversy. For one thing, no one was sure (much to Lanfan utter humiliation) who should be the legal father on the birth certificate. They ended up going with Ling, since Greed, not technically being born, was not a legal citizen of anywhere, let alone second issue was what the child should refer to each parent as. Lanfan could obviously be any form of Matriarch she wished. She had first insisted that the child would call her Mother, as it was more proper, but she had only to hold her newborn daughter for a moment before she was coo-ing 'Mama' into her ear. So Ling of course called 'dibs' (a term he had learned from the older Elric) on Papa, to match his wife. Several names were suggested for the Avaricious Homunculus, but he insisted that the brat call him Greed. It was his name and he was no-one's parent, let alone the snot-nosed thing's.

Much like Lanfan though, it wasn't very long before Greed had succumbed to the dark-eyed baby girl in his own way. "It can call me Daddy, if it really wants to." He grumbled, and of course the other parents (Ling) latched onto the term, making sure that Niu knew- Lanfan was her Mama, Ling was her Papa, and Greed was her Daddy. Not that Niu could speak yet.

As Niu grew within the weeks, and then the months, Greed became closer to the kid than he had ever thought he would. He took to absolutely doting on her when he was sure no one was watching, but of course it was the manliest doting the was. When Niu was about five months, old Greed started to make sure she knew that he was Daddy, the best parent, and that 'Daddy' should totally be her first word because he was way cooler than those other dorks she called parents.

On one rare day, when Ling was momentarily free of the pressures of Emperor, the family sat in the inner garden of the palace, watching the sky and showing their daughter all of the different types of flowers. Greed slouched against a stone bench, looking nonchalant as ever, and Ling of course couldn't keep still. Lanfan rested Niu on her hip, held snugly in her arms. As the usual chatter calmed, Lanfan leaned down and kissed her daughter on the forehead. "Say Mama, baby." She whispered casually, smiling.

And the calm was broken.

"Wait NOOOO!" Ling called, rushing towards them and snatching Niu away from his wife, holding her up in the air like a lion cub. "That's not faaair." He shot at Lanfan, before looking back to the baby girl he held in the sky. "Say Papa Niu, you know he's the best!"

Lanfan put her automail hand on her own forehead, and sighed exasperatedly . If he wanted a war…

"Say Mama, Niu." Lanfan repeated, with more conviction this time, though hardly detectable, and not nearly as much as Ling.

Greed arched an eyebrow at the other parents, before looking away at some mundane tropical plant like he didn't care.

But, oh, he would win this war.

"Say, Daddy." He whispered out of the corner of his mouth. Niu, still held in the air by her other father, looked at him curiously with wide, dark eyes. No one except for Greed noticed.

"SAY PAPA NIU!" Ling insisted frantically. (he'd had to act like an emperor non-stop for weeks. He wasn't gonna pass up a chance to act ridiculous.)

"Mama." Lanfan said plainly, smiling sweetly up at the baby, who was delighted with all the attention.

"Daddy." Greed said quietly.

"Mmmm-gga" Niu started to struggle to form her mouth around some syllables, and everyone in the garden froze, cocking their ears towards her. "Mmm….Paa…" A moment of silence. "D-DADDEE!" The girl yelled out joyfully, throwing her arms up. Ling brought her down from the sky, holding her now at about shoulder height, and Ling and Lanfan turned slowly towards the homunculus, who continued to look bored for a moment, before his face broke out into a victorious smirk.

"Well, look at that." He drawled, standing up and walking towards the group. "I must really be her favorite, huh? And I didn't even hafta' do a thing. Guess I'm just that awesome." Without pausing, Greed grabbed his daughter out of Ling's hands with one arm, and slung her over his shoulder so that she was facing the same direction as him. "C'mon, Kid." he said, walking back into the palace. I'll get you a cake from the kitchens. You deserve it." Niu giggled, and waved at her Mama and Papa as her Daddy carried her off.

ALL THOSE RANDOM ITALICS. My god this was pretty stupid, wasn't it? Oh well, I thought of it on the ski lift and I couldn't write it til I got home, and the idea wouldn't go away. And it made me giggle.

I have no regrets.

Ciao, Loves! Reviews and favorites are deeply appreciated.