So one day Luigi got hungry. He got hungry pretty often, because Mario was a fat bitch and he always ate their ravioli.

"Man, I'm hungry," Luigi whined in his stereotypical Italian accent. "I wonder what I should eat…."

He searched all the cupboards in his house, but there was no food. Mario was away on an adventure saving Princess Peach again. I think it was Paper Mario: Sticker Star this time. I'm not sure.

"Well I would go to the grocery store, but I'm too ugly and dumb and I don't want to show my pathetic face in public…." Luigi groaned. Suddenly a light bulb flashed over his head! "I know! I'll order a pizza!"

Excitedly and salivating profusely, Luigi rushed over to the phone...but then he stopped.

He realized how lonely he was. He was a lonely, lonely man. If he ordered a pizza, the pizza guy would see how lonely he was and the pizza guy would laugh at him and he would probably be black so he would have a bigger penis anyway. Even though Italians have pretty big penises but Luigi did not know whether they had bigger penises than black guys or not. I don't know. He thought about looking it up but he didn't really feel like watching gay porn right now.

If only he had a friend…

Suddenly a knock came on the door! Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head. Luigi rushed to the door….was somebody actually visiting him?! Maybe he DID have a friend after all! I don't know, maybe! Whattya think?!

He flung open the door excitedly but disappointment quickly settled in once again. It was just the neighbor girl, Ellie from The Last of Us. She was fourteen and Luigi's like fifty so she couldn't be his friend.

"Hellloooooo Mr. M!" Ellie greeted like Dennis the Menace. A laugh track went off with lots of cheering and clapping from an invisible audience.

"Hi, Ellie," Luigi sighed. "What do you want."

"Oh nothing I just wanted to see what's going on!" Ellie said, walking right past Luigi and looking around his house rudely. "Hey where's Mario? I bet he's on another adventure, huh? I bet you must get jealous a lot. Hey what's this!"

"Ellie, don't touch that!" Luigi snapped. "That is Mario's spaghetti-eating trophy from the spaghetti-eating contest in Spaghetti Land! He takes so much pride in that, if anything happens-"

SHATTER

"Whooops," Ellie said.

"GODDAMMIT ELLIE!" Luigi shouted. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, I'M GONNA BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, MARIO'S GONNA BEAT ME AGAIN…."

"Hey, chillax, man!" Ellie said. "I just wanted to ask you about something."

"What do you want, Ellie?!" Luigi yelled with much exasperation.

"I was wondering if I could be in the new Super Smash Bros. game," Ellie asked.

"What the hell makes you think I would have anything to do with that!" Luigi snapped. "What do I look like to you, a freakin' video game company? I'm a plumber for Christ's sake! Mamma-mia!"

"Well yeah but I was wondering if you think that'd be cool," Ellie said. "Every day I check the mail and I'm all like, 'oh my God please tell me I got the Smash Bros. letter', and every day it's just boring stuff, and I'm all like, 'goddammit what the fuck', and then FUCK SHIT SPOOGE FUCKING CUNT BITCH oh sorry I didn't take my medication today."

"Ellie, I highly doubt you're gonna be in the new Smash Bros. game," Luigi said. "For one thing, it's for Nintendo characters. And-"

"But they've been having third-party characters, haven't they?" Ellie remarked. "They had Solid Snake, and Sonic…"

"Yes but they are well known characters!" Luigi said. "And anyway I think they're trying to lay off the-"

"Oh come on just admit it would be awesome!" Ellie persisted. "It could be like, me and Joel, and we could be like the new Ice Climbers, and our Final Smash would be like, um, um, like, I shoot a bunch of lightning bolts out of my eyes and everyone's all like 'OH MY GOD HELP LIGHTNING BOLTS' and then Joel throws a Molotov cocktail and then there's an earthquake and then-"

"That doesn't even make sense!" Luigi shouted. "ELLIE YOU CAN NOT SHOOT LIGHTNING BOLTS OUT OF MY EYES! I MEAN YOUR EYES! OR ANYONE'S EYES!"

"But why not?" Ellie whined. "Come on it'd be awesome! I'd be all like, 'wham, take that…."

She started attempting to do kung fu fighting moves and then she accidentally kicked the TV and broke the screen.

"Oops," she said nervously. "Sorry, Mr. M….."

"ELLIE!" Luigi screamed. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE BEFORE I CHOP YOU UP INTO MEATBALLS AND SERVE YOU ON A PLATE OF SPAGHETTI!"

"FUCKING SHIT TURD TAMPON FUCKING SPOOGE COCK SHIT!" Ellie shouted back. "Oh my God I'm so sorry it's just that FUCK this situation is so SHIT stressful and SPOOGE BUCKET I can't control myself when I'm COCK under a lot of stress FUCKING WOP oh my god I'm so sorry GREASY DAGO WOP FAGGOT!"

"Ellie seriously get the f-" Luigi was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. His heart began to pound in his chest. Please, he thought desperately, please don't tell me it's….

"Open the damn door, Mario!" a loud angry Southern accent shouted. Goddammit, Luigi thought. He began to tremble as he walked over to the door.

"Goddammit, Ellie," he muttered, "what have you done to my day…."

He opened the door to see Joel standing there. Luigi was terrified of Joel. He was your typical scary loud angry neighbor.

"H-hey, Mr. Joel!" Luigi sputtered nervously. "What's up?"

"Where the hell is Ellie?" Joel spat. "She better not be-"

He noticed Ellie behind Luigi.

"Hey Joel what's up?" Ellie said.

Joel immediately grabbed Luigi by the collar of the shirt.

"Whoa now-"
"What the hell are you doin' with my babygirl?!" Joel shouted. "She is a child! You schemey little pig, I don't trust you Italians with your shady operation over here…."

"Joel, chillax, man, alright?" Ellie said. "Me and Luigi were just hangin', y'know? It's all good…."

"That little girl is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!" Joel continued to shout in Luigi's poor little face, ignoring Ellie. "She is a CHILD! What do you think you're doin' 'hangin' out' with her in your creepy little perv house?"

"She-she just came in, and…"

"SHUT UP!" Joel shouted, shaking Luigi. "THAT LITTLE GIRL IS A CHILD! BOY HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, BECAUSE I'LL HELP YOU FIND IT!"

"I WASN'T MOLESTING HER!" Luigi sobbed.

"Okay," Joel said, letting Luigi go. "That's all I needed to hear. Hey, do you think you could feed her while she's over here? Also do you think you could keep her 'til about 7:30? I was gonna maybe try to take a nap."

"O-okay," Luigi whimpered.

"Bye Joel!" Ellie called as Joel began to leave.

"See ya, Ellie!" Joel called back. "Have fun! Behave yourself for Mr. Mario, y'hear?"

And he left. Luigi closed the door, taking a moment to catch his breath and wipe tears from his eyes.

"Sooooo what's for lunch?" Ellie said.

"Nothing!" Luigi snapped. "Nothing is for lunch, okay? I do not have the money to get food for you and myself!"

"Hey fuck you man!" Ellie snapped. "I didn't ask for this hunger that I have! You promised Joel you'd feed me, now where's the feedin'?"

"I don't have anything!" Luigi snapped.

"Come on," Ellie whined. "Can't we, like, order a pizza or something?"

So that's why Luigi and Ellie ordered pizza. The end.