After Walt caught Vic at the deserted campsite and they had talked for hours, they fell into a restless sleep in her trailer. A little after dawn, they packed up and headed in their separate vehicles back to Walt's cabin. Vic had done her best to reassure Walt that she was ok. Walt was terrified that she might have another weapon hidden in her trailer, but was grateful that she agreed to come back to his cabin right away. They were both shaken by what had just transpired. Walt because of Vic's action and Vic because of Walt's reaction.
At the cabin, Walt immediately tended to his horse. Vic had a shower and started making breakfast. All three of them were starving, with the horse having his needs met first. Walt came back inside the cabin and shot Vic a look that she had never seen before. At least a look that he had never levelled at her. It was as though despair had had an ugly child together with contempt. Or scorn, or something like that.
The pair ate their breakfast in stony silence. The air was heavy with discontent. The dishes were left in the sink and Walt suggested they talk in the living room. He lit a small fire to chase the morning chill away. He was immensely relieved that there was a recess in the trial for the day and he could at least avoid that for a while.
"Vic. I'm trying not to be mad at you now, but you really upset me. I had no idea that you'd go this far with things. How can I trust you not to try that again?" Walt asked in a raspy voice. He was crying again, but didn't care. For once he wasn't going to hide any emotions or mince any words. "Vic. I don't think I can stand it if you have access to a gun," he said. "How do I know that you don't have another weapon hidden in your trailer?" He had not returned Vic's Glock to her and she had not asked for it back.
"Walt," Vic said, putting one hand on his forearm. She felt terrible. "I'm sorry that I've been so selfish. I had tunnel vision. I was only thinking of myself, of my own pain. And it seemed like an option to me." She knew her reply was weak. The pain was legitimate, but her plans may not have been fair.
"Vic. What about me? How do you think I'd cope without you? Or what about Ferg? Or Ruby? Didn't you think about that?" Walt knew his words hurt, but couldn't help it.
After some time had lapsed, Vic felt slightly more in control and began to realize that she could never go down that path again. If she had died, Ferg and Ruby would have been crushed. Walt too. That was not what she had intended. But she didn't know if she could convince Walt of any of this.
"Vic. Don't you get it? You almost died from the gunshot wound. Why would you go through all that and then kill yourself a few weeks later? It makes no sense. At least not to me."
Vic did not have an answer to that. Well, she did have an answer, but not one that she thought Walt would really understand. She kept those particular thoughts to herself for the time being.
"Walt, it's no excuse, but I want to ask you something. It may make you angry but I still want to ask," Vic paused to let her question sink in for a moment.
Walt looked a bit puzzled. He was already pretty angry. "Ask away then," he responded impatiently.
It was interesting that the two of them, when speaking to each other, often started a sentence by addressing the other by name. Even if they were the only ones in the room. It's what they did.
"Walt. What about you? Can you honestly tell me that you never thought about giving up after Martha died? Can you answer that question? I'm guessing now that you definitely considered it," Vic ventured, not sure how this personal line of questioning might make Walt feel. She could see a hint of shock on his face. His face reddened. She sensed that she hit a sore spot.
Walt looked at Vic, very surprised by her question. Now it was his turn to feel guilt and shame. He knew that he would not be able to shake Vic's question, so he plunged forward. "Vic. I guess that's the cop in you. The detective. It's a good question. I'm ashamed to say that the notion had crossed my mind. But that was before I met you. It's not fair for you to hold that over me. We're talking about US now. Whatever you do, impacts on me and vice versa." Walt realized that his reply was honest but unfair, and he retreated a little into himself once again, to hide the pain he was feeling.
"Well, isn't that just peachy," said Vic with irritation in her voice. "You can't say that something you'd considered in the past isn't relevant to our conversation today. I'm just saying that you must have weighed those options, just like I did last night. And thank God, you didn't pull it off," Vic said, her voice evening out a bit. "How would Cady or Henry have coped with that?" she said bluntly. "Cady in particular, after the loss of her mother?"
Walt could see the wheels turning inside Vic's head. He already knew what the answer to that was, before he had made his confession to Vic. He knew that she had a good point. He wasn't angry about that. He just couldn't seem to move his anger away from seeing Vic like he had.
"All I'm saying, Walt, is that I think lots of people, normal, sane people, have probably considered suicide at one point or other. It's a way that people deal with their pain. Didn't you tell me once that Bob Barnes had mentioned it, around the time we were investigating the death of that farmer?"
Vic dove right into her own confession. "Walt. I've just had a little time to think about things. Now that I know how I could have hurt you, I won't do that again. I love you too. I loved you before I knew that you loved me. Now that we're confessing how we really feel, I love you enough for me to want to share my life with you. So I don't think you have to worry about me. I'll start proving it to you," Vic stated. Of course it wasn't going to be that simple, but at least she was back to forming reasonable thoughts and it was a good start.
Walt's eyes widened a bit at Vic's last comment. "Does that mean you're thinking of US now?"
"I guess it does, Walt. Maybe it's a good thing for us to get all this out in the open. I do love you. But up until now, you've NEVER told me how you really feel. So how would I have known, Walt? You've sent out a lot of mixed messages." Vic too, was an expert at hiding emotions. She had learned from the Master. She ventured further, "After my divorce you told me that you wanted me to stay in Durant, but then right after that you pushed me away and then you got involved with Donna. And now I'm just supposed to use a divining rod and figure out that you love me even though you've never told me?"
Walt really didn't have an answer to that. Instead of responding, he leaned forward on the couch and pulled Vic into an embrace. For a long time they huddled together, not speaking, but conveying their feelings to each other by being in physical contact. Neither was good at this. Each had experienced pain and loss. Each had retreated from human warmth and contact offered to them by others.
Their 'Ouija Board', letter-by-letter spelling out of their feelings would always be awkward. It was their trademark, their brand, their way of doing things. Cryptic revelations they had made in the past like "I can't lose you," really meant "I love you." Much of what they wanted to say to each other, had gone unsaid. So when one of them started to really convey something meaningful, it was truly valued.
After a long time, Walt said "I've known that I've loved you for a long time now, and I guess I've been feeling that I should have a say in what happens with your life." He wasn't sure how Vic would receive that. He knew he had a tendency to live inside his head too much.
"Okaaaay, Walt…I can sort of understand that. But sometimes what goes on inside your head, doesn't come out in your words. You've never said this kind of stuff to me. Don't you remember when we had that awful conversation in the alley last year when we were looking for Henry's stolen truck? I was trying to tell you that just about everything that went on with your life, impacted on my life. But you looked at me with disgust and said that your private life was none of my business. You just shut the whole thing down. So that was about the last time we had a serious conversation about you and me. So then yesterday, you tell me that you want to have a say my life? That's a pretty big leap forward, don't you think?"
"Vic. Well, you have a point there. That time I spent with Donna was a mistake. A complete waste of time. It sounds stupid, but after you were kidnapped and then Sean wanted you to leave the department, my feelings for you got all jumbled up and they scared me. So then I sort of pushed you away. And then I started dating Donna. Ruby really pushed me into that; I think she thought Donna was more appropriate for me because of her age. And then I was jealous of what I thought you had with Eamonn."
"That's quite a speech, Walt," Vic interjected. "You SORT OF pushed me away?"
"Well, more than sort of pushed you away. I'm sorry for that. I guess over the past few years I've finally come to terms with Martha's death. I've fallen in love with you and in my mind, I guess I was starting to think that we could share some dreams and make some plans together," Walt confessed. "That's why I got so angry with you back at the trailer. I want to build a new life with you…but your plans back there didn't include me. It's just that...you scared the pants off me."
Vic's heart bled a little at Walt's tender confession. For a moment she tried to envision Walt without pants. Then she got back on track. She could see that it was an honest confession. And it was typical of Walt. It was a classic example of his over-thinking and under-talking. It all seemed perfectly logical to him. She kissed his forehead and said gently "Walt, I don't have ESP. Sometimes your dreams get stuck inside your head. I don't always carry my divining rod with me, you know," she giggled.
Although exhausted from a lack of proper sleep, they continued to talk all through the morning. Their lengthy conversation had finally moved from anger to understanding and then on to a heartfelt confession of love. After a quick snack for lunch, they tumbled into Walt's bed for a much needed nap.
"Gee, Walt. This is the second time in the last 24 hours that we've slept together," Vic said with a wicked grin on her face. She poked Walt in the ribs and he laughed. "It's good to hear you laugh," she said. "Was it good for you? Did you feel like having a cigarette afterwards?"
"Mmmmm…" Walt mumbled softly, snuggled against her neck.
Their mood had lightened considerably.
Walt rolled to lay on his back, and Vic curled up on her side snuggled into the side of his broad chest. His long arms held her and they revelled in the closeness.
"Hey, Vic. Um…back there at your trailer, when you were holding me there…um…I…uh…I couldn't help but notice that you were in your underwear," Walt said, not willing to hide anything more from Vic. He was feeling very light.
"Well, you noticed that, did you?" Vic said as Walt's laughter rumbled through his body. "Did you also notice that I wasn't wearing a bra?"
"Yup."
"You're dreadful, you know that!" Vic laughed, poking him again. "You have no shame."
"Nope."
"Well, while we're confessin' stuff like that, I couldn't help but notice that you popped a boner back there in the trailer," Vic said, laughing at how silly they both sounded.
"I bet you were impressed," Walt continued in the same silly vein, laughing in unison.
"Yup. It left an impression on me, alright."
They laughed some more. The mood continued to lighten.
They dozed for a while in comfortable silence. Sunshine streamed into the bedroom window and Vic could see dust motes floating in the air.
Later on they talked about Vic's baby. Vic gently asked Walt if he had ever entertained thoughts of them having a baby together. "Yes," he replied slowly, not sure if it was too soon to have this conversation with Vic. "Of course. I love you and would love to share that with you. Also, I didn't have the chance to tell you, but I would have helped you raise your baby, as I would my own, if you wanted or needed me to," Walt stated, with tears in his eyes. "I was going to ask you to move in with me and we could raise the baby together."
"You would have done all that for me even though it wasn't your baby?" Vic asked, genuinely moved by Walt's comment. She was still plumbing the depths of his love and it amazed her.
"Absolutely."
Vic let out a soft sob, which Walt definitely noticed. With a hitch in her voice, she asked, "Walt, what do you think Cady is going to think about us being together? And how would she feel if we decided to have a baby one day? Would it make her feel displaced or something like that?"
"Vic. I think Cady probably already knows that we like each other. I've gotten some funny looks lately from Henry and Cady about you and me. Even Ruby has hinted that she thought something was going on. I think they've thought we've been together already. Cady's going to be really happy. And I think she would be thrilled if we had a baby. She'd love that – although it would be a sibling for her, I think she would feel more like an aunt to any baby we had. She'd love it. I can practically hear her knitting needles clicking as we speak – she'd knit up a storm for our baby. Ditto for Ruby. The two would go crazy buying baby stuff and knitting blankets. Ferg would probably rush out and buy a baby fishing rod, they'd all be so excited. Henry too. He'd look for baby moccasins and a baby medicine bag and would be thrilled to be an uncle to any baby we had."
"You think so?" Vic asked.
"Yup."
"Vic. Back to some serious stuff. There's something I want you to know about. I never talk about this. Years ago, Martha and I were pregnant with a baby boy and we were so excited. But it was one of those hideously hard winters with endless snowfalls and ice storms. One day I was out on a call and Martha had a bad fall on some ice and before anything really could be done, she lost the baby. It was devastating and it took us a long time to work through it. We never really got over it. But about a year later, we got pregnant with Cady and we were able to pour our love into her," Walt confessed, thinking about that sad time. We never got over it, but eventually we were able to move forward. At first Cady was a colicky baby, but then she was so clever and funny and we enjoyed raising her. Things got better after that.
"Oh Walt. That's so sad. I had no idea," Vic said. "I wonder what that's been like for Cady? And no wonder you've had such insight into my loss."
"Well, we only talk about it once in a while. It's been a bit too painful for us all. I think it's better that we just tuck it away and leave it alone. It's never been easy for me to think about the baby we lost, or the fact that we wouldn't have had Cady if it weren't for that loss."
"Walt, while we're confessing to stuff, I just wanted you to know that if your trial doesn't go well, you can always move into my trailer with me. It's not much, but you'd be welcome, ok? You're so big that you won't fit inside it that well, so I'll probably have to add a room onto the side, but it's manageable," Vic laughed, although the thought of Walt losing his land was awful. "I'm sorry, this isn't funny," she added.
"Mmmm….Vic, although I don't want the trial to end that way, that's a nice offer, so…thanks. I did enjoy the bed earlier," he said with a wry smile.
They lay in bed for a good long while. After a time, Vic was able to reassure Walt that she would be anchored enough by his love that she wouldn't let anything get in their way. She agreed to attend some grief counselling sessions, ones that Walt should have mandated weeks before. Vic attended some sessions alone, and she was also able to convince Walt to attend some joint sessions, as a 'partner', which warmed Vic's heart immensely.
Their relationship had gotten off to a cryptic rocky start, but little by little, they were able to lean on each other and forge the wonderful bond they both wanted.