DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Verbotene Liebe, including plotlines, locations, and/or characters.
AN: A short tale in five parts of Christian and Olli, and how they will move past the inevitable sexual encounter with Rob (we can all see it looming on the horizon). But it's not quite what you'll expect...
Part I. Shattered
Christian could see this coming a long time ago, but he never really expected it to become reality. He knew it was going to happen, even braced himself for it for months, but now, seeing Oliver, his boyfriend, his love standing in their doorway with a suitcase in hand, seemed like a bad dream that he couldn't shake.
Oliver was leaving him. He couldn't bear the sight of it, let alone the thought, but there he was with that sad and disappointed frown on his lips. Christian was angry, of course, but he longer to comfort him where he stood. Christian wanted to beg Olli to stay, to put what happened behind them – that forgiveness was in their grasp because they were the perfect match. But Christian Mann was a proud individual, and pride could be more restricting than liberating in matters of the heart.
What happened was Robert Marenbach. He was cancer – a smooth-talking, evil little lump that needed to be vaporized with radiation until his existence was null and void. But he was a persuasive and persistent cancer, and that made him successful.
Christen recalled the conversation between them only a few weeks ago.
Christian was sitting at the dining room table with his hands together, trying to think of ways to get Elias a bit more active. The steed was getting older, and his days were limited.
"Good morning!" Oliver said brightly as he waltzed through the front door, awake and lively. He was carrying bags from the new Tesco that had opened up down the road. He smiled brightly, not only with his full, beautiful lips, but mostly with his eyes.
Oliver's eyes were the incarnation of his soul. When one wanted to know just what Oliver Sabel was feeling, they needn't look far; just look into his eyes. Oliver's eyes were soft, as though painted by Leonardo da Vinci. They were hazel some days, and grey others, but always genuine. Christian loved his eyes as much as he loved the man because they made their connection something tangible and expressive.
"I've got crescents, and more coffee, as well as your favorite yogurt since I noticed you were out." Olli said in a flurry of words. Christian was having trouble catching everything, partly because it was 6 a.m., and partly because he had bigger troubles on his mind, like opening up this unpleasantly necessary dialogue that he was rehearsing in the back of his mind. "Hello?"
"Hmm?" Christian asked in a daze.
"I said Constantin and Judith sent a postcard and asked if you want to read it." Olli said with an amused smirk as he observed 'early-morning Christian'.
"I'll, uh, I'll get around to it later." Christian said dismissively.
"They just want to know if they can stay here when they come to visit on June. I think it's a cool idea, especially since they can see the new NoLimits – I want them to see firsthand why it's the coolest party spot in Dusseldorf!" Olli said with bright stars in his eyes. Christian couldn't help but smile and admire his liver as the sunrise over the horizon warmed his skin as Olli warmed his heart. The sunlight danced through the window and onto Olli's fair ivory flesh, giving him a sort of ethereal glow as he took note of Christian observing him.
"What?" Olli asked with a coy smile as he poured himself a mug of coffee.
"I'm just seeing you for the first time in a long time, that's all." Christian said with a small smile. "It's been so long since I've seen you this happy."
"That's because you're happy, and when you're happy we don't fight." Olli said. He crossed the room, and Christian yawned, but caught a hitch when Olli suddenly appeared behind him. He put down his mug and went to work on Christian's shoulders with his nimble hands of silky iron. Olli's hands were a godsend when Christian was over worked.
"I'm really glad that you've been so accepting of my friendship with Rob. In the past few weeks you've been so nice to him that it's hard to believe you had a problem with him at all." Olli said. Christian had to put more effort into listening once again once Olli's hands began to lull him into a trance.
"About Rob…" Christian began. He didn't want to open this up, not when Olli was being such an endearing saint, but he had to get this out of the way if any reparations could begin in their relationship.
"I have a surprise for you because you've been so amazing!" Olli said excitedly. He rushed to the counter and reached into a black bag. He produced a small black box and sat it on the table before Christian.
Christian swallowed; was he doing this now? Right as Christian was trying to open up an distasteful box of worms involving Rob?
"Christian Mann, I know that most of the time you think that what I have to say is childish, silly, ungrounded, completely head-in-the-clouds, and that most of the time you think I'm daydreaming more than listening – and you're right, most of the time I am." He grinned, and Christian smiled as he felt Olli inside of his chest, warming him up. He grabbed Olli's hand and squeezed as their eyes locked for a moment.
"Olli, that's what I love about you the most." Christian smiled. "You can turn a pipedream into reality, it's a gift. I've seen you use it to help our friends, and I love you for it."
"And I love you, too, Christian. I love you more than any words, or any ring, can express. But…" Olli pushed the box forward a bit, and Christian stared at it, excited and nauseous at the same time. His fingers carefully opened the box, and there sat a beautiful, simple gold ring. "I was hoping that maybe a ring could help me get my point across."
"Olli," Christian struggled through his tight throat. He was flattered, and it was everything that he'd wanted for a long time – any other time he'd be calling Gregor and Luise while jumping around the loft with joy, but not this morning.
"Christian Mann, you are the only man I love – the only human being I love with every inch of me, and I know we've had our differences and rough patches for a long while now, but we're still here, right now, and stronger than ever." Olli smiled tenderly, and a sick feeling was rising inside of Christian because he loved Olli so much. So why wasn't he happy? "Christian, I want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to make you happy. If you'll have me, I want to spend every minute proving to you how much I love you."
"Olli," Christian struggled again, but his throat was even tighter.
"Well say something." Olli grinned excitedly. When Christian didn't respond, Olli's light faded from his face and the worry set in. "Oh god."
"It's not what you think." Christian said after clearing his throat.
"Are you rejecting me? Because if so then it is what I think." Olli was in a panic.
"No! No, of course not. What you offered, everything you just said, it's all I've wanted to hear for a long time now. I'm even envious that you were the first one to say it." Christian said.
"Well then what's the problem? Shouldn't we be celebrating?" Olli asked.
"We need to talk." Christian said. He took a deep breath and then continued with a touchy subject that he knew would rupture the repairs they'd already made to their rocky relationship. "It's about Rob."
Once the annoyance set in on Olli's face, Christian felt his organs twist themselves in ways the he couldn't imagine, all of them uncomfortable.
"Christian, Christian, how many times are we going to go through this?" Olli groaned. He placed his head in his frustrated hands and sighed. "There is nothing going on between me and Rob, and nothing has happened beyond that one kiss!"
"I know, I know." Christian said sheepishly. "I trust you."
"If you trusted me then we wouldn't be having this discussion for the tenth time!" Olli said. "It's never going to end, is it?"
"What do you mean?" Christian asked, bewildered.
"I mean I just proposed to you, told you that I want to wake up to you for the rest of our lives, and all you can think about is me cheating on you with Rob!" Olli shouted.
"That's not true!" Christian said as his hot temper flared. But he reined in his emotions betcause he was determined not to have this end in a blow-out in which nothing gets discussed or settled. "This is different."
"I've heard that before." Olli said with disappointment.
"Because I've said that before, but this time is really is different." Christian said. He could see the pain and distress in Olli's beautiful sanguine eyes, and he immediately felt ten times worse.
Christian reminded himself that in order to settle this once and for all, in order to keep his miracle, his angel, he needed to get this out of the way.
"Christian, if this is going to be a recurring theme in our home then –"
"I slept with Rob."
Silence was the only company with them in their home for a while. Christian tried to gauge Olli's reaction, but he could only see blank shack. Olli stared back at Christian like a stranger; stunned, and confused. He was wondering if he had just heard Christian correctly, and Christian would be the first to confirm it for him if he wasn't so deathly terrified of what Olli was going to do next.
"What did you just say?" Olli asked him quietly.
"I said that I had sex with Rob." Christian repeated shamefully.
"I heard what you said, I just can't believe what you said." Olli said sharply. He leaned back in the chair across the table with his hands in his lap and incredulity written across his face.
"Olli, it was a mistake, and it meant nothing, and you're so beautiful, and wonderful, and more than I deserve," Christian began sputtering to keep the silence at bay, but the more he rambled, the worse he felt. He felt like dirt – lower than dirt, he was an entirely new level of low. There was manure, then there was dirt, and then there was Christian.
"All this time, you pressured me, and it was you." Olli said with his tongue in his cheek. He stared back coldly now, his eyes were sharp.
"Olli, it was the worst mistake I've ever made, and I wish I could take it back!" Christian said. Olli stood up, picked up his coffee cup, and stared down at Christian for a moment before turning and heading for their room. Christian didn't dare follow, he would just let Olli have his space for now and then pray that he cooled down later, after he was done babysitting Miriam downstairs.
Five hours later and Olli still hadn't come out of the room. Christian went down to NoLimits for a while, hoping that his absence would coax his spurned love into coming out for some fresh air, but when he returned, Olli was still in the room.
Christian's hand hovered over the door knob, contemplating on whether to just go in and talk to him or not, but he coward out and went back to pacing the living room area.
"Olli, just give me a sign that you're alive." Christian begged outside the door. The bang of a shoe thrown across the room was answer enough, he could work with that for now.
Twelve hours later, Olli finally emerged from their room. Christian hadn't noticed at first as he was slowly dozing as he watched the news on the television set. But once he felt Olli's presence he turned off the TV and stood to face him.
For a long time, neither said anything. Olli just stared back with his dark, swollen red eyes; he'd been crying. Christian held out his arms apologetically. "Olli, it's still me here. I'm still Christian, your Christian." He offered.
That had earned nothing but a silent retreat back into the room with a cold hard glance over Olli's shoulder. Christian plopped back down on the couch, racking his brain over Olli's pain and how he had managed to inflict a sting so horrendous on the one person who would be there for Christian as much as Gregor. The one person who loved Christian for the man he was, not who they could turn him into.
Now there was the chance that he had just lost Olli for good. There was the possibility that he couldn't make up for this misdeed, and although he needed to accept that outcome, he didn't want to face it.
Christian decided to sleep in the couch that night. He didn't bother going to get pillows or a blanket. The living room was cold, but he accepted that as part of his penance.
Christian didn't sleep so well on the couch, but he awoke to the mouthwatering scent of waffles. He cracked open an eye to see Olli standing at the counter with their waffle press.
"Good morning," Christian offered as he sat on and stretched his aching back.
"Morning." Olli said shortly.
"You came out of the room." Christian kicked himself for pointing out the obvious like a daft idiot.
"I had to eat something." Olli said distantly. Christian smiled, but Olli ignored it.
"I'm sorry –"
"Don't, please." Olli snapped. "Not right now."
Christian sat at the counter on one of the bar stools and watched Olli for a while. Surprisingly, Olli even fixed him a plate and garnished it with every bit of care and attention as he did his own, with whipped cream, strawberries, and just a dash of cinnamon; that had to mean something, right?
"How was the couch?" Olli asked lightly.
"Cold, hard, and odd." Christian said. "How did you ever sleep on that thing?"
"Lots of practice and flexibility." Olli said with a small laugh. But that didn't laugh long, and he was back to the frumpy, sad Olli that Christian always hated to see. It was bad enough to see Olli in pain, but to be the cause of that pain was something unbearable.
"Olli," Christian said, but he got no response. Christian grabbed his wrist and caught his hurt gaze. "Oliver, love, just tell me what to say."
"Tell me how it happened." Olli said flatly.
"What?"
"Tell me how it happened." Olli repeated. "When? Where?"
"Uh, well… These past few weeks when Rob's been by looking for you, we'd been talking. I was trying to be nicer to him, for your sake, and the times he waited for you we had a few beers and talked. He's actually not so bad, once you get past the attitude." Christian added, but swallowed his tongue when he realized that Olli wasn't at all amused. "When he came by to help me plan your surprise birthday party for next week, we had a few drinks, and… one thing led to another."
"You had sex while planning my birthday party?" Olli asked. "In our apartment?"
"Yes." Christian said sordidly.
"Did you do it in our bed?" Olli asked.
"No, it was… He was…" Christian struggled. He didn't want to recount the details of the encounter to Olli of all people. But he knew that if he had any chance of redeeming himself, he would have to. Olli stared back patiently as Christian ate his waffles, deliberating how to best phrase that afternoon.
"We were a little drunk, even though it was fairly early in the afternoon. You remember, because you called him a cab. He kissed me." Christian said. "And then I kissed him back."
"Did you go down on him?" Olli asked evenly.
"Yes." Christian admitted. There was a flicker in Olli's face, raw pain as something sacred to him had been soiled; Christian.
"Did you enjoy it?" he pressed on.
"No." Christian quickly said. "I mean, at the time, yes, but I wouldn't – couldn't – ever do that to anyone else, it was a fluke."
"Apparently you can." Olli stabbed darkly. "And then what happened?"
"We made out, I went down on him, and then I bent him over the counter and fucked him." Christian said.
"Did you use protection?" Olli asked. Christian opened his mouth, but then quickly sealed his lips. Olli shook his head and sighed.
"Christian," he groaned, ready to lecture him.
"Yes, I sucked him! Yes, I swallowed! Yes, I fucked him, bare, and yes, I came inside of him! Olli, it was a mistake in the heat of the moment!" Christian reasoned. He was begging at the end of his wits, but more than that he was frightened that Olli may never forgive him. He didn't know what he would do if Olli couldn't.
"So what do we do?" Olli asked as he leaned against the counter and folded his arms.
"You tell me. Where does this leave us?" Christian asked. "Are we…? I mean, can you… Can you forget about it?"
"Can I forget about it?" Olli asked dubiously. "No, of course not. Everytime I see him around I'm going to think of you doing with him what you used to do with me. Whenever I'm with you I'm going to be comparing me to Rob; are you thinking of him? Do you prefer him?"
After a moment of silence, Olli grabbed the back of Christian's head and placed his forehead against his. "But I'm not going to just call it quits because of one mistake."
"What?" Christian asked, shocked. He pulled away and looked into Olli's kind eyes as he stroked Christian's face with his soft, warm palm.
"You made a bad decision, we've all made them in our lives. And it's easy to get swept up in a moment." Olli said. "That doesn't excuse you, but… I'm not leaving you. I love you too much, so much it hurts."
"Like now." Christian added sorrowfully. Olli smiled and gazed into Christian's eyes longingly.
"Yes." He said. "But if there was no pain in a good relationship then one wouldn't appreciate the good to its fullest."
"You're too good to me." Christian said. "I don't deserve you, not anymore. You shouldn't take me back so easily."
"If I was a stronger man, maybe I wouldn't, but I'm grateful for that because life without you isn't something I want to imagine, not at all." Olli said. He gave Christian a light, but long kiss. As their lips touched it felt like an eternity since they'd last kissed. Olli's lips were marble petals on an angel, and when their lips touched, even briefly, it excited every nerve ending in Christian's body.
"I just need some time to adjust, and think things over. Get a new perspective while we sort things out." Olli said.
"Take all the time you need." Christian said quickly. Anything to keep his love happy, to earn his trust back. "I love you, Oliver Sabel, I do."
"I know you do." Olli said. "Besides, I missed you terribly last night. I couldn't sleep without you there."
"You hardly sleep with me there." Christian smirked. It felt nice to slip into some semblance of what they had.
"Oh, one more thing; absolutely no sex until we get tested." Olli said. Christian's shame was back in an instant as he thought of the possible guilt he would feel at popping up with a sexually transmitted disease, or worse; giving it to Olli.
Thanks for reading, and of course review :)