Disclaimer: I do not own any HP rights or anything and get nothing but the sick pleasure of spreading this to the whole world via the internet. have fun!

Warning: Incest. that's all i'll say. hahahahaha

Secret Kisses

Ours is a strange relationship, James and mine. He bullies me, picking on me and teasing me as any older brother does, from what Uncle Ron has told me. He will sometimes be nice to me and Lily and play games with us, usually beating us and then gloating about it, of course. He will bother me at school alternately demanding I help him study and then making me leave him alone or else.

And then at home, behind the door of our bedroom, by the light of the moon and stars, he will climb into my bed to hold me. He will pet my hair. He will snuggle me against his chest. He will kiss my forehead. He will trap me between his body and the wall.

Behind our bedroom door he is a very different person, and I think that he hates himself for it.

In the morning he won't look at me and is sullen and moody all through breakfast. He scowls and glares out at the world. Everyone thinks he's not a morning person, but I know he likes getting up; it's just the remembering of last night that bothers him.

He gets mad about it at night. He swears to himself he'll stay in his bed and he'll lay with his back to me for about an hour. Then he crawls out of his bed and into mine, pressing his sad mouth to my face and my lips.

I think it would be nice if he could kiss me all the time. I hate it when the morning comes… I think it should be nighttime forever in our room.

*******

He's almost asleep, his fingers trailing circles around and around on my back. I tilt my head back and look up at him, his eyes slowly closing and his mouth smiling. He's happy like this, when we are alone together in the darkness of our room and the warmth of my bed.

He stirs a little and moves his head down to kiss me. He does it slowly and sweetly, giving me the best kisses in the world. I kiss him back happily. He falls asleep and I tuck my head under his chin, listening to his heart beat and curling up against him. This is the best sort of night…

*******

"I want my own room, dad," James suddenly declared at dinner. I froze, my hand clenching around my cup as I held it to my lips. I stared at the water for a long moment, wishing I had not heard him say that.

"Why?" Dad asks mildly, cutting at his meat.

"I'm too old to share a room. Besides, we have enough space and it isn't fair that Lily gets her own room," James spent a lot of time thinking about this even if those are his only excuses. I can hear it in the earnestness of his voice.

"Well," that was mother, smiling, "I'm sure we can manage to clear out the storage room."

I set down my cup and ate slowly, staring down at my food, but I can't taste it anymore.

I don't want him to move out, but no one would like my reason why…I want him to kiss and hold me forever, like daddy kisses and holds you, mummy…

No one would understand that. He's my brother.

No one would understand… Not even James.

*******

I knock on the door to James' room.

"Come in," he calls.

He's fiddling with his bookshelf, trying to find where he wants all his quidditch books to go and I shut the door behind me. "James…" It's hard not to burst into tears. He's already made the room his own.

He stops and slowly turns towards me, "Yeah?"

"Did I do something bad?" I asked, my voice soft but trembling. It's hard to keep from crying when my heart and chest hurt so badly and it's getting difficult to breathe. "Did I say something or do something that made you mad at me? Did I do something to make you not love me anymore?"

He looks shocked and he stands up quickly, "Al, what we were doing is not good. It's not right because you and I are brothers. That's not how things are supposed to be. What if I kissed Lily? That wouldn't be right at all."

"Are you kissing Lily?" I hissed, angry and hurt. I just couldn't understand! Why would he leave me? "Do you love her more than me?"

"No! I love you the most, you know that Al, but it's not right!" James almost shouted. He took several deep breaths and started talking again, quieter, "Brothers should not kiss each other. It's not right."

"But I love you…isn't that enough?" It's so hard to not to cry…

"Al, don't you get it?" he's getting mad at me again, "it's bad and I don't think we should do it anymore!"

And I'm crying, wiping my hands on my face and crying loudly, even though I'm twelve and nearly thirteen, and I'm too old to cry. I cry because it feels like my heart was stabbed and I don't know what to do to make it better because James doesn't want to be with me anymore.

"Don't cry!" He walked over and hugged me, "Come on Al. It's for the best…"

I cling to him, even though he's the one who hurt me, because I can still remember those sweet kisses in the dark and the even sweeter murmurs as he nears sleep. I sob into his shirt and he pats my back and my hair and I want him to kiss me so badly.

I hiccup and pull away, "James…please…" I tilt my head back, always the sign I want to kiss, and he flushes.

He pushes me farther away and says with his voice thick and his lips scowling, "No. No more Al."

I push him away and fling myself out of the room, dashing up the hall to my own room where I flop onto his old bed to sob into his old pillow. He hated me, it was true…and I could never stop loving him…

*******

I thought that his moving out of my room would stop him from coming to see me at night.

I was wrong.

Midnight came and I woke up when my bed shifted. It was James, his face hidden in the dark as he slid into my bed, which was once his bed, under the window. I turn onto my back and he kisses me very quickly. "I'm sorry…I can't…I can't stay away…"

I don't want him to leave and I don't want to be angry so I pull him close and snuggle against him. I make him kiss me over and over again and smile while he does. He owes me many more kisses to make up for my hurt heart.

But I am afraid he will leave me again so I grip his pajama shirt with both my hands, and if he began to pull away now I would surely die.

*******

It's New Years and everyone is piled inside the Burrow. I'm outside in the garden on a stone bench watching the stars. It's cold out here, but I like that better than the heat of the rooms brimming with people. I have my knees up to my chest and I hold my ankles, staring up and up into the blackness as the light of the house is bright enough to drown out the pinpricks of light.

"Al? Are you out here?"

I whip my head around and clamor to my feet, my heart pounding in my chest, "Yes!" I whispered, "Over here!"

He rounded a bush and smiled, holding back the deep green leaves, "Mum was wondering where you ran off to. I told her you would be out here, but she wanted me to check."

I pouted, "Is that the only reason you're here?"

He flushed and stepped closer. I backed up until the bench was behind me again and I sat down heavily. He sat beside me. "Of course not, but it's a good reason for me to be here." His face was still red as he reached out to put his hand on my face. "Its going to be a whole new year soon…Do you still want me? Do you still want us?"

"Yes. Always." I murmured, turning my hand until my lips pressed against his palm. I kissed his hand. "I love you, James, always."

"But, Al…" his eyebrows were furrowed. His voice was a breath, "It's so wrong."

I grabbed his face in my hands, "James, listen to me, I don't care what anyone says or thinks or if it is wrong or not, I love you. I'll love you forever. I want you to be with me all the time and to be able to hold you and kiss you…" I blinked away tears that demanded to be shed, "but that you…you insist it is wrong and you keep trying stop and you tell me our love is bad even when you kiss me. That hurts, James, it hurts me more than if you just stopped it all together, because I have hope and love….but you keep saying…" I stop, unable to talk through my tears.

James pulled me into a hug and pet my hair, whispering so gently, "I'm sorry, Al. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't forget it! I don't know what to do…"

I popped my head up and stared at him, drying my tears quickly, "That's it!"

"What?"

"James, what if you forgot we were brothers? Would you still love me? Could we truly be together?"

"What are you suggesting?"

"What if I Obliviate that one detail, just that you and I are brothers. How about that?"

"Al, you can't be serious, first of all we're under age and second of all what about our parents?"

"What do you suggest, James?" I snapped at him, gripping his hands tightly, "that we continue in our tortured love? Because the only other options are that one or that you and I stop everything right now."

"Now?" he choked on the word.

"Yes. Now. Do you love me enough to forget I'm your brother?" I hissed the phrase. "Do you want to keep torturing us both with your guilt? Or should we pretend that none of this ever happened?"

He gaped at me.

Hurt and pain and anger burned in my chest like a stove iron and I threw his hands down. "Think about it James. Think really hard, and tell me your answer tomorrow. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I'm sick of you feeling so guilty and telling me that I'm bad and wrong. Make a choice and stick to it!" I ended with a shout and stalked away, going back to the burrow to sneak a bottle of something to make my head swim and lock myself in a closet. I needed to cry and sob and I would never let myself do that with a level head.

*******

A knock on the closet door woke me up to a pounding head ache. I groaned and shifted. My back, legs and face hurt as well, but not as badly as my head ache. The knock came again and then there was mum's voice, "Al? Are you in there?"

"Stop, ow, knocking!" I moaned.

There was a shuffling outside and then the doorknob clicked. It opened and I cried out at the light, burying my head in my arms.

"Al, buddy, what are you doing in here?" that was my dad, crouching down next to me and putting his hand on my shoulder. He sniffed and I groaned again. "Son, have you been drinking?" His voice was lowered so mum couldn't hear.

I nodded glumly.

"Your mom would flip…" he whispered, "What did you have?"

I pushed the empty bottle towards him.

He gave a low whistle, "Wow. Okay, you head to your room and I'll take care of your mother, just…don't drink anymore until you're of age, okay?"

"Ugh."

"I'll take that as a yes. Up you go." He grabbed my arm and pulled me up.

I rubbed my face. My tears had dried there during the night and left my face feeling tight and itchy. I stumbled up the stairs to the New Room, dubbed so by my grandmother. When she realized that she needed more room to have everyone over for the holidays, she had conjured a room on the third floor. That was where I stayed with my siblings and most of my cousins when we stayed here, even though we could just as easily travel through floo and stay at our own home…

I pushed open the door and ended up face to face with James. I stopped with my hand on the door and he stopped as well, his hand freezing on his chest where he had been scratching.

"Going to the bathroom?" I asked softly. I couldn't help but glare just a little.

"Um…yeah…Where did you go last night?"

I hissed, "Not so loud, dammit. I was in a closet, drinking. Don't tell mom."

"Your face…" he reached for my cheek and I pushed his hand away.

"It's dried tears. James did you make your decision?"

He blanched, "I realize that it's tomorrow…but you want an answer right now?"

I shook my head, "No…Tell me after dinner." I glanced up and down the stairs quickly and, seeing no one, I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I can wait. I want you to think about this and… I want you to make the decision that will make you happy, James."

"Al…" He grabbed me up in a hug.

I pushed at his chest, "James! Go to the bathroom, I gotta sleep."

He let me go, flushed, and nodded, "Okay." He went up the stairs, throwing a smile over his shoulder at me as he dashed. I shook my head and grumbled as I went into the room, to find a space on the mattress on the floor where all my boy cousins slept.

*******

"Al! Albus wake up!"

I groaned, reaching for my wand to hex the living daylights out of Hugo. "I'm going to kill you!" I hissed.

He laughed at me, "Your mum says you can't sleep through the whole day, even if you slept in a closet." He shook me hard, "Why'd you sleep in the closet anyway?"

"Leave me alone! I'm SLEEPING!" I turned away from him curling up and burying my head under my pillow.

"Hey, Hugo, let me get him up, Uncle George was looking for you anyway."

"He was?" Hugo got up and left the room, "Thanks James."

James shut the door and locked it. He crawled over to me and brushed his fingers in my hair. "Al…Al I've decided. I know it's before dinner, but I made my choice and I think it will make me most happy."

I turned over slowly. "What did you decide?"

He put a book on my chest. "Study how to Obliviate, Al."

I grabbed him around the neck and pulled him down into a kiss. He pushed the book out of the way and pulled me up against him. I buried my hands in his hair. He climbed over me, straddling me and kissing down my neck. "James, I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured against my collar bone. He pulled at my shirt and I laughed softly.

A sudden pounding on the door made him jerk his head up. "James! Albus! Come on it's time for dinner!"

"Damn it…" I hissed.

"Coming Lil!" James shouted back, "Just getting Al up!" He knelt up, grinning at me, but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes. "Al, when I'm seventeen, I want you to obliviate me. Then I'll be old enough to leave with you, because no one is going to like this."

"I know."

*******

I felt very cold inside as I watched James snogging Janet Weathers. His hand was up her shirt and she sat on his lap with her legs spread like a whore. When they gasped for breath he had lipstick smeared on his face and she made soft mewling noises.

She ground her hips down and made my James groan and curse. He kissed her again and I saw his other hand go up her skirt. She make a squeaking noise followed by a moan of his name and a beg for more.

I stood under the invisibility cloak, unable to move and unable to blink as I watched.

James pulled her panties off of her body and I saw his fingers go back down. She made a strange noise and jerked in his lap, her breasts bouncing. James had her shirt open then and his lips were on her nipples like they had been on mine and he was sucking on them.

He pulled at his pants, pulled them open, and the cock I had dreamed of holding appeared. The rush of blood filled my ears with white noise as I saw her go up and saw his hand between her legs and saw her go down on his cock.

With a trembling rage, I watched as she took his virginity, as he just gave to her what I had always thought he would save for me. I stopped seeing and hearing anything then, choked with bile, jealousy and rage.

I had studied Obliviation. I had kept everything a secret. I had hidden every hickey. I had lied for every sneaked meeting or late arrival. I had waited and loved no one else.

But here was James, fucking his cover-up girlfriend. Tomorrow I would hear his excuses, I would forgive him and take him back, but he would do it again. I know that as surely as I know the sound of his voice in the moonlight of my room. He would think he loved her too, and when he had to choose between us, he would choose her. Because she was right and I was wrong.

Hot tears burned their way down my cheeks as I made my way to the door, stepping surely and quietly. I waited for the moment of their spiked pleasure, their orgasm, before opening the door and slipping out unnoticed.

As I made my way down to the dungeons, I felt drunk with my emotions. Anger flared and crackled inside of me, threatening to attack anything and everything I saw. Jealousy was a bitter taste in my mouth, of how badly I wanted to be that bouncing breasted brunette body that had James' length buried so deep inside and releasing his seed inside. Despair that I had finally lost him, that now there was no way he would agree to our original plan and would choose her over him, would love Janet over me. Fear chilled my body that I would now be alone again, as I had been as a child, alone in the darkness of my room, under the bright moon who knew me so well and did not hide my faults from me no matter how much they tore me up inside. Love throbbed in my heart still, for I wanted to forgive him and forget what I saw and hold him against my chest again. Loneliness pressed at my back, a constant reminder that no one could ever understand me like he did; no one could love someone who had first loved their own brother…

I returned to the Slytherin Common room, my feet dragging and the invisibility cloak folded over my arm. I sank onto the couch in front of the low fire and curled up around a pillow, tears in my eyes undecided on whether or not they wished to fall.

"Al?"

I closed my eyes, pretending I was asleep.

"Al, I just saw you walk in, I know you're not asleep." It was Scorpius, blond and pale and quiet. He slid onto the couch next to me. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I'm embarrassed at how thick my voice is. I want to cry in peace! I want to sleep and maybe wake up from this dream!

"I can't sleep tonight," he said softly, "the moon kept me awake. You know how it shines in through my window."

I nearly choked. That had nearly been a quote of James' explanation as a child. The moon had always come down on his bed, whilst mine was dark. I did open my eyes and look at Scorpius, in his black silk pajamas with his hands tucked under his thighs and his gray eyes staring into the fire.

Here in the dungeons our windows were charmed to show something other than the dirt that surrounded us. Even here the moon would find a lonely sleeper…

I sat up slowly.

It was only Scorpius, the most unloved Slytherin in the whole school. He was abandoned by the others and ignored by the other houses. And if I suddenly felt the urge to talk to him, to tell him everything…who would he tell?

"Scorpius?"

He looked at me with wide eyes, "Yes?"

"If I…If I told you what happened tonight…could you keep it a secret? Could you not tell anyone, ever?"

"Don't tell me secrets. People find out what I know." He gave me a haunted look, "They just know…"

"What the hell does that even mean?"

"The only secret I can keep is my own," he leaned forward, his blonde hair falling into his face, "You are my secret."

"What…what are you…talking about?" I stared into those gray eyes, large and round and staring right at me.

Scorpius leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. For a long moment I was frozen, and then I pushed him away. "What are you doing!? Stop it!" I got off the couch and wiped my mouth roughly with the back of my hand.

"Al…" He stood.

I felt the bubble of emotions roiling in my chest and staggered back, tears blurring my vision, "Leave me alone!" I escaped from him and the common room, to be anywhere but there.

*******

I shuffled my way to the library, hating myself more every step of the way. I entered the quiet room and made my way over to the table I shared with my cousins and siblings. Today we were going to work on our Transfiguration. Rose and I had an essay, Lily and Hugo a test to study for and James was here to help us. I took my place beside James, opening my book and pulling out my quill with a sigh.

He flashed me a smile before turning back to Lily to help her with her wand movements. I knew the real reason he was here was for me. As I began to work, he pressed his leg against mine and leaned in towards me. When he was able to leave Lily and 'help' me with my essay, his hand was on my thigh, gripping and squeezing and rubbing.

For the first time, I felt dirty with his hand on me, because I remembered where it had been and where it could go. My desire for his attention and love was quite suddenly faced head on by a disgust so great it nearly made me throw up. I knew in that moment that I would never allow him to touch me the way he had Janet. I knew in that moment that my love for him could not persevere against the knowledge of what I had seen him do.

I cringed as his hand slid into my crotch and then had to bite back my gasp when another hand gripped his and tore it away. I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw Scorpius sitting on my left, his right hand down in my lap as his left wrote easily. Rose looked up at the sound of James' offended gasp and blinked at Scorpius. "Malfoy?"

He gave her a pleasant smile, "Al told me last night that you were meeting up to work on your Transfiguration. I have trouble with that class."

His hand fluttered across my thigh and there was a soft smack as he slapped James' hand away again. I gripped my quill tightly in one hand and my other hand pressed flat to the table. I lowered my gaze to my essay and glanced down subtly into my lap where James' tan hand was fighting Scorpius' pale hand.

This was ridiculous.

"Oh really? Well the more the merrier. Is there any part that you really need help with?"

Scorpius nodded, "I was actually hoping James could help me with my wand work." He leaned forward to meet James' eyes. His smile became sly and he whispered, "Is it worth skipping a date with Janet to come here, Jamesy?"

James growled.

I rolled my eyes.

"Um…" that was Lily, poking James' arm. "Could you show me that wand movement again?"

James turned his back from me, withdrawing his hand. Surprisingly, Scorpius did the same thing, smiling at me and then at Rose before going back to his paper. Rose gave me a curious look but I shrugged and bent down to work again.

Scorpius sat close at my side, but kept his hands to his essay. At one point he leaned over to ask me to see my book, his breath rippling along my ear in a pleasant way that James' always had. I smiled and glanced at him and decided if James was going to do what he felt was right then so was I.

Our rest period ended eventually and we packed up for dinner. I tucked my essay, book and quill set in my bag before I hitched it up on my shoulder. Scorpius slid up to my side, his hand appearing on my elbow and sliding down to my wrist. Spiteful and giddy, I took his hand in mine around my family as I had never been able to with James.

I followed a chattering Lily and Rose with Scorpius. As they turned a corner and just before we did as well, James grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back. Scorpius staggered back with me.

James pushed me against a wall, "What the hell are you two doing?" he snapped, "Al I thought that-"

I shoved him away from me, "We stopped being we when you and Janet crossed the line."

"We have never crossed any line! She's just a cover, you know that." His face was so innocent for his lying words. "I don't love her like I love you."

Scorpius cleared his throat and James glared at him. "You've crossed the lines several times, haven't you James?" he said blandly, "Not just last night, but before that."

I felt my stomach drop and twist like I was falling from a tower. "Last night wasn't the first time?" My own voice was distant to me.

"Al…you have to understand…she's a girl…and you are…" James stepped closer, his hand up.

Scorpius knocked his hand away, glaring, "Al is mine and you're a bastard." He pressed a hand to his chest, "I happen to be a perfect prince in every way."

I snorted. It turned into giggles and then full-fledged laughter that brought tears to my eyes and threatened to make me pee my pants. I held my stomach and slid down the wall as tears streamed down my cheeks and a stitch stabbed me in the side. There was a scuffle near me as James tried to comfort me and Scorpius chased him off with stinging hexes and then the blonde boy was kneeling beside me and put his arms around me.

I laughed and laughed until it became sobs and I clung to him, weeping into his shirt for the love I had held onto desperately for years.

When I was finished, Scorpius led me down to the dungeons which were barren with the students at dinner, and made me lay down in my bed. He held onto me behind the curtains of my bed. I tucked my head under his chin, my cheek pressed to his chest and my hands clung to his sides. He lay with me as I cried myself asleep.

*******

I sat in the chair with my hands folded in my lap and stared at Scorpius. He sat across from me in the cold dungeon classroom, an array of candles lighting the room and a book open across his lap. He held his wand loosely in his hand and smiled at me when he saw I was staring.

"Don't worry, I'm really good with mind magic."

I nodded. I knew that. Scorpius was practically a born Leligmens and his father had taught him Occulmency when he was younger. He did it unconsciously, sending and reading thoughts until he'd perfected his walls. Obliviation came nearly as easily to him.

So he was, logically, the only one I could trust to Obliviate my memories of James.

He closed the book with a snap, making me jump, and stood up quickly. "Okay, once I do this, you won't remember any of the things you did with James when you were in love with him."

I nodded, "That's what I want."

Scorpius smiled his sly little Malfoy smile and said, "Relax, when you wake up, it will all be over."

I sighed and tilted my head back, "Okay."

I missed the flick of his wand, but heard his clear voice as he said, "Obliviate."

*******

I awoke in Scorpius' arms, shivering because my legs were cold. I rubbed my eyes free of sleeping gunk and smiled into his chest. "Good, you're awake." Scorpius' breath was hot against my cool ear and I shivered even more.

I shifted in his arms to look up into his gray eyes, "That is the last time we snog down here, Scorp, my legs are freezing off."

He laughed softly and helped me stand. For a dizzying moment the room swam and grew fuzzy before it leveled out. Gripping my hand firmly, Scorpius began to rattle off on our potions class essay due tomorrow and I laughed at his snide comments all the way back to the common room.

We passed James in the hall, and for a moment I wondered what he was doing so far in the dungeons and why the hell he was giving me a look Lily had given Mum when she'd said the puppy we had gotten we could not keep anymore, but then I stuck out my tongue at him and laughed with Scorpius as James flushed and ran off.

"I wish he would just leave…" Scorpius murmured. I glanced at him, curious.

"Does he come around a lot? I don't see him much, he's always with his girlfriend…" I replied. I felt a fuzzy heaviness in my mind, almost as if I could remember something if I tried. So I did try. My dizziness started again and I stumbled over my own feet, reaching out for something to steady me. Scorpius grabbed me by the arm and held me.

He leaned in smiling, but the look in his grey eyes made me feel like he knew something I didn't, "Maybe you're right, we'll stay out of the deeper dungeons."

"I feel sick, Score," I leaned my head against his, my eyes closed, "Maybe I should go to the infirmary…"

"Let's just get you to bed, and see if you feel any better tomorrow." Scorpius pressed soft kisses along my jaw. I gave him a gentle smile and nodded.

"Yeah, okay."

He pressed his lips to mine and then we began to walk again. I listened to him talking about classes instead of thinking about James. I had a feeling it would just make me feel sicker. Scorpius clutched my hand, rambling on and on with his free hand gesturing. I smiled and watched his face and the way his white-blonde hair fluttered as he walked.

At a turn he caught me staring and gave me a bright smile.

I knew then that Scorpius, being my first love, would be my only love.

THE END

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking OMG WTF is she WRITING?!? and I'll reply with this, have you read anything else i've written? If you have, this should not surprise you too much. I speak of course about niggling worms and muggle murdering ron and yellow cups of memories. Besides. You enjoyed it, and i'm not the only one who knows. So does James, and he's mad at you because you weren't thinking about reviewing. but you should. because then i'll love you...