Title: "Worth it"
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Skate
Spoilers: TFTR and ?
Status: Complete
Warning: sexual and adult language
Summary: Set after Libby and Ana's funeral. Kate is worried about Sawyer's behaviour during the funeral.
After the funeral, Sawyer went almost running to his tent. Kate had noticed his strange behavior during the ceremony. He stood very close to Ana's grave. He was so upset by her death it stunned Kate and everyone else.
Kate wanted to make things right for Sawyer just like he did for her back in the hatch embracing her and letting her cry on his shoulder. It sent shivers down her spine. She wanted to convince herself that there was a strong relationship between them, like they were "brothers" or something but sometimes she realized it was much more than that.
Sawyer was inside his tent. He decided it was better to come to his tent so he could deal with his sorrow alone. He hated to show his feelings to other people but he couldn't pretend that Ana and Libby's death didn't affect him. Ana's in particular.
He couldn't live with the fact that he was Ana's last fck. He was the last man to touch her and it was pure physical need and, Sawyer realized, revenge.
When he was screwing Ana he wanted to hurt Kate because she had spent the night in the jungle with Jack and something had happened, as the doc said: "we got caught in a net".
Sawyer believed he had lost Kate forever but still hadn't the courage to tell her that he had made sex with the woman he hated the most in the island. He could live knowing that Kate didn't love him but he didn't want her to know that he was a coward.
Sawyer realized that the only way to ease the pain was to drink like the Irish did.
When he was opening the bottle, Kate came into his tent.
"What are you doing, Sawyer?" she asked a little stunned by the sight of him preparing to get drunk.
He was embarrassed, "It ain't what you're thinking, Freckles" he said putting the bottle aside.
"Then what is it?" Kate was getting a little annoyed.
"Well…I wasn't gettin' drunk if that crossed you're pretty lil' head" Sawyer stated using a fake smile. Kate could tell. The dimples weren't there.
"I hope not" she said as she sat beside him on his makeshift bed.
"What…you're worried about me now?" Sawyer said in a mock tone.
Kate signed, sometimes was hard to keep up with this game they always played, with no official rules. They had to stop. Today wasn't to play games. Kate was going to tell the truth this time.
"Actually, I am, Sawyer" she said looking at him.
Sawyer looked away from her, "And why is that?" he asked in a low tone.
"Well…I think it's obvious" she explained "You were pretty shaken at the funeral and…"
"I hate funerals" he interrupted looking back at her with a pleading in his eyes and Kate understood that he wanted to end this conversation. But Kate didn't.
"Doesn't everyone…" she asked giving him a tender smile.
There was a long and uncomfortable silence. They had so much to say to each other but neither of them wanted to. The unspoken words had more meaning, at least in their relationship.
Kate had a question popping in her mind. If she didn't ask Sawyer she wouldn't sleep in the following nights.
"What happened between you and Ana?" she felt a little embarrassed for asking.
How did she know? Maybe Jack had told her. Sawyer made a mental note to kick his ass someday. But he would still play nice there was a chance that se didn't know yet.
"Nothing happened between me and Ana" he simply said looking at his own hands.
Kate could tell that he was lying, "You serious? You were the first one to arrive, stood by her grave the entire funeral just starring at her dead body" she said in a louder tone "So don't you lie to me"
"I'm not lying to you!" Sawyer got up. He was getting desperate but couldn't tell the truth.
Kate stood up too and was facing him, "Yes, you are, as always. You're a coward"
She turned to walk away but Sawyer grabbed her wrist with a sudden violence.
"I'm not a coward, Kate" his voice was menacing.
"Let go of me, James" she said testing him
"Don't call me that"
"Why not?" she was playing a dirty game with him and she knew it, "It's your name, isn't it?"
Her eyes were piercing through his soul, "Not anymore" he said with a guilty look.
"You even lie to yourself" she almost screamed at him "You're a fcking coward"
She was able to release her arm from his strong grip and was walking out of his tent.
Sawyer couldn't take it anymore. He was going to lose her either way so it was better to tell her the truth. In the end, it was better if she knew it from him than from the doc.
"You want to know the truth?" Kate turned her attention back to Sawyer. She nodded. She knew the suffering she was causing him now but she wanted the truth.
After what seemed a long silence, Sawyer finally spoke, "I had sex with her"
Kate was shocked. She felt like she was going to throw up. She felt betrayed, stupid, helpless… She felt like a cheated wife and had no reasons for that because she didn't have an official relationship with Sawyer.
He wasn't the sorry type but he couldn't stand watching Kate fall apart and do nothing.
"I'm sorry" he said in a whisper.
Kate finally made eye contact with him. Her watery eyes showed a lot of emotions that she couldn't hide. She was jealous and he knew it.
He tried to approach her but she pulled back and was now against the rough material that made the walls of Sawyer's tent.
"Don't touch me" she told him.
Sawyer was stunned by her reaction, is not like he had betrayed her.
"Kate…" he said moving his hands as if to make his point understood.
"Don't Kate me" she said so close to crying, "You couldn't just keep your dck inside your pants. You had to show her how god you are between the sheets, right?" she said sarcastically.
Sawyer couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Tell me, you conned her into doing that or…"
"She did it so she could steal my gun" Sawyer interrupted.
Kate laughed. Maybe to release some of the anger, "And left you heart broken" she looked straight at him, "Now you know how it feels like"
"Don't even go that way" he said pointing a finger at her, "I wasn't the one going into the jungle with Jack"
Kate finally understood. This was about getting even.
"This has nothing to do with Jack. Never did."
"Then why do you keep running back to him," he had this question stuck in his throat for a long time and it finally came out.
Kate was taken aback, "Well…maybe Jack is safe…and he cares about me"
Sawyer couldn't hide the pain that Kate's words were provoking him.
She wanted to make him suffer for all the things he did to her.
Maybe it was time for him to say it out loud what he felt for her for the first time. It was now or never.
"I care about you" whispered to hide his trembling voice.
Kate looked at him and the expression on his face almost undid her. It showed the intensity of their feelings. Dangerous feelings for both of them.
"It doesn't seem so" she didn't know what more to say.
Sawyer was getting frustrated with this whole conversation, "Well, Kate. I do" he was raising his voice, "I may not show it in the best way or as much as your boyfriend Jack but I really do. And I wish I didn't"
"What do you mean?" Kate asked. Now he didn't want to care for her?
Sawyer was going to get all out, "It makes me weak and dependable…and I'm a bad person, Kate. I'm dangerous to anyone who comes close to me"
Kate began to shake and tears slid down her face like a waterfall. Sawyer didn't know what to do but he was able to approach her somehow and put his hands on her shoulders.
"Stop crying" he said with a tender voice. Maybe was James talking, "I'm not worth it"
With that, Kate threw her arms around Sawyer's neck crushed her body against his and cried in his shoulder. He wanted to comfort her and stay like that forever but he couldn't. As he had said he was dangerous, he wasn't 'safe'.
He pulled away and turned his back to her.
"Stop it" she demanded.
"Stop what?" he asked intrigued as he turned to face her again.
"Stop pushing me away" she explained
"I'm not" he lied.
"Yes, you are. You had sex with her to push me away…you conned me…you even kissed me to push me away."
Sawyer was stunned by how she knew him so well. Although that kiss was half to push her away and half to his pleasure.
"Bad news, Sawyer. You weren't able to push me away." She said as she approached him, "You just pushed me closer to you"
She was so close that she could kiss him if she wanted. But he didn't want her to. Maybe he did.
"Don't do this" he whispered to her.
She paid him no attention and reached out and kissed him. He was taken by surprise but once he got the pace he answered with an equal passion. They had shut out their feelings for a long time and now they were being released with double intensity.
It was a sensual kiss, hundred times better than the first (if that was possible).
When the kiss ended they stood looking into each others eyes.
A conman and a fugitive searching for something they couldn't understand which society usually calls love.
"I love you" her voice sounded like music.
He couldn't make out the words to answer her statement. He should push her away as he always did and tell her that it was wrong…that she should stay with Jack.
But it was him who she loved. He could have been a bastard seeking for revenge all his life but he was going to take this moment and cherish it forever because maybe…just maybe…he was worth it.
English is not my first language so please be patient with the grammar and lack of vocabulary.Please review!