Just a little spin on the season finale...some spoilers if you haven't watched it yet. Italics are text messages.

Olivia POV

The precinct was in chaos. Even with the additional hate crime unit assigned to the 1-6, there is literally not a soul to be found in the squad room. I know it is all hands-on deck as we race to temper the rising tensions within the community and bring these men to justice but it was still weird to see the room empty in the middle of the afternoon. It feels like we are on the precipice of an explosion…one I am not sure we will recover from. I don't know why I am sitting in my office when I should be hitting the streets but I just can't…not right now.

I pick up my phone and type a text before deleting it and retyping it again. I go through this process a few times trying to figure out what the hell I am doing.

"I need to talk to you," I sigh in frustration and hit the send button.

I wasn't sure if I was going to get a response, honestly didn't think I deserved one but I didn't know what else to do. This case…it was different. It was causing me to question almost every belief I had and I am feel like I am beginning to lose myself.

"Is everything ok?"

"Is Noah ok?"

"Are you ok?"

Three text messages were returned in quick succession.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

I should have offered more, but I couldn't. I wasn't ok…nothing about this was ok.

"Where are you?"

There was no turning back now.

"My office."

"Be there in 10."

It was selfish I know, but I needed someone away from this mess to talk to. I know my team was doubting my decisions today but something needed to be done. Everyone was in too deep, we were still on the chase and I can't say anyone was thinking rationally.

"Olivia."

I looked up and almost burst into tears, what have I done?

"Ed," I barely get out.

"Olivia what is going on?"

Even though no one is in the squad room he shuts the door and walks around my desk leaning against it by my side. His question hold no harshness, only genuine concern.

"I don't think I know right now. I am sorry I shouldn't have texted you…it was wrong of me."

"Olivia just because we didn't work out doesn't mean I stopped caring about you…I am glad you texted me. Now tell me what is going on? Just started from the beginning."

I explain the parts of the case I could discuss but it seemed he knew a lot about it already – it wasn't exactly low profile. I walked through how we had a suspect that was picked out of a line up by an eye witness and then the eye witness was deported.

"I know it was him…he was a breath away from giving up his two partners until a lawyer showed up. We had nothing."

"So what happened?"

"I…his wife was lying and covering for him."

"That wouldn't be the first time it happened."

"No, but we had nothing," I said really want to emphasis that point.

"Ok," Ed said sensing something bad was coming.

"I called ICE," I said trying to sound strong in my conviction.

"What do you mean you called ICE? On who?"

"Soledad Ramirez…she is here illegally."

Ed's silence was deafening. The longer he processed this information the more I felt like I had to defend myself.

"She was lying."

He just nodded.

"She was covering for a double rape and murder."

He nodded again.

"Damnit Ed say something," I yelled standing up from my desk and pacing around my office.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Something…anything! You have to have some thoughts on this."

I watched him stand and walk around to join me in front of my desk. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

"What the hell are you doing," he asked calmly?

Ok, so he really wasn't going to sugarcoat this. I was kind of thankful for the forceful response, it allowed me to fight back even though I am not sure why I was.

"Trying to catch multiple killers, rapists and bigots."

"By calling ICE? By turning someone over who doesn't have papers because she wasn't going to help you?"

"She was lying," I shouted back.

"Then you find another way."

"There was nothing."

"There is always something…you keep digging….you find another way."

"We didn't have time the city was ready to explode. They still are."

"So that's your justification…that is how you are going to rationalize this. I had to do it there were no other options."

"There wasn't," I say with less conviction this time.

"That is bullshit Liv and you know it. You don't deport someone because they aren't cooperating. YOU…you Liv don't take away a mother from her kids to get what you want. That isn't you."

I know he was right and that is why I hated myself right now. I saw the look Fin gave me when the word ICE left my lips…I knew it wasn't because Fin wouldn't or hadn't crossed lines before but he knew I hadn't….not like this.

"I get it Olivia, shit is ready to implode and the tensions are running high but that means we…this city needs you now more than ever. If this city loses what is good and true it is going to be nothing but anarchy and mayhem. Believe me there are plenty of cops that push the lines and are dangerously close to the wild west…we don't need more of that. We need you. We need Olivia Benson who will stop at nothing to find justice but will do it above reproach."

"I am not perfect," I said not liking the pedestal he is putting me on.

Ed chuckled a bit.

"You don't have to tell me that but you are the closest thing we got. No one is perfect and you make mistakes…but this wasn't a simple mistake. This was a question of character. Wherever an investigation takes you, whether procedural or other mistakes occur, you always do what you believe is truly right in here," Ed said tapping my heart. "Can you stand here, look me in the eye and tell me that was right?"

I can't even look at him let alone verbalize my thoughts.

"I'm not judging you."

Still unable to look up I huff not believing that for a second.

"I'm not…but I know you and I know your judging yourself."

He was right I was judging myself and I can't get past it.

"I feel like I am losing my mind here…I mean I called ICE. What the hell is wrong me with," I asked rhetorically? "I know she was lying but my god I was going to send her out of the country to god know what? I just tried everything in my power to save one person and them boom I turn around and do this?"

"Liv the fact that we are here right now having this conversation…that means something. You called me…you recognized a line was almost crossed and you didn't want to be that person. I would be more worried if you weren't reacting like this."

Olivia took a deep breath trying to calm her mind. Out of the corner of her eye she saw her team walking back into the squad.

"Olivia you're a good person with a good heart…with a good soul. Trust yourself and always know there is another way."

"Sometimes it is hard to remember that."

"That is when you rely on the people around you to remind you. You have a good team and you know…you know deep down what is right. It is not always easy but hold onto that for dear life and never let go."

"You are such a good man Ed Tucker."

"I surround myself with equally good people," he smiled.

By now I know my team is itching to knock on my door first to give me a status update and second to confirm it was in fact Ed in my office.

"Thank you for coming by, I really needed this."

"Anytime. I will check on you later," he said giving both my hands a gentle squeeze. "And good luck with those guys."

I laugh as I watch he walk out of my office and nod to my team. I will give them credit, they waited a full minute before all piling into my office.

If this case wasn't messy enough we now had the victim changing her story. I know it happens all the time and the worse the trauma the longer it takes for them to remember things, but this seemed different. It was like Maya and I had switched places over the last 24 hours. She felt like there was no other way, like she had no other options and lied on the stand. Now Barba was putting it on me to come through.

I watched my son at the counter playing with his fire truck. Between all the cops he interacts with and his deep fascination with all things firefighting it was easy to imagine him fulfilling his duty to protect and serve. I just want to stop time in this moment so my precious son remains this innocent, curious little boy and I don't have to deal with court.

"What are you building Noah," I asked sitting next to him as I try and get my watch on?

"Firehose," he said trying to put the attachment on the truck.

"I think maybe we need to visit a fire station soon…what do you think of that?"

"We go fire house…we go now," he asked lighting up at the prospect of visiting a real fire house.

"Not right now, but I think this weekend we will go and see real big fire trucks and meet some fire fighters."

"I sit in truck?"

"I bet if you asked they would let you sit in the truck," she said knowing they would.

"I drive big truck vroom vroom," he smiled pushing his truck around.

I could sit here and just watch him all day. My phone buzzed signaling a text message had arrived. I sent a quick reply before there was a knock on the door.

"Lucy is here baby, she is going to stay the afternoon until mommy is done court and then we will get dinner."

"French frys," he asked giving me his best puppy face.

"Only if your good for Lucy."

"I always good mommy," he smiled giving me a kiss.

Man was I in trouble if he kept this up. I let Lucy in and give her some minor instructs on when Noah might need to eat and nap again. I grab my bag, phone and keys before heading out.

"Fancy meeting you here," I smiled walking out of my building.

"Who would have guessed I would have run into you leaning on your car," Ed smiled pushing off the car to greet me with a coffee.

"Thank you."

"No problem…it's nice let's walk."

It was a nice spring day and I had no problem walking the 20 blocks to the court house.

"You ready for court?"

"You know what I am," I answer honestly never more certain of my testimony today.

"A lot of people are going to want you to say something else."

"Yeah, but the truth is the best way. There will always be another way to get these guys…I know it."

"Good for you Liv."

I smile as I sip my coffee. Today was going to tough and this testimony was going to be even harder, but I know this will work out. I have lied once and only once before on the stand and it was the worst decision I ever made. I link arms with Ed and smile finally feeling like I was making the right choices again.