Welcome back to yet another new real world AU, my lovelies! And this time I have been triple dog dared by my magnificent girlfriend to let y'all know this is Based On A True Story*.
Towards the end of this chapter you're probably thinking the fuck is Love Potato? The short story is it's an invented anime. The longer story is it's a conversation we had about alternate realities, and I posited that out there in the infinite vastness of the multiverse there exists a version of our reality where things are exactly the same as here except that the single most popular TV show of all time is called Love Potato, and is about the fated love between a potato and a tomato. So. That is why I invented a show called Love Potato, and now meta'd it into this story. Because my girlfriend, as well as being awesome, is exactly the same kind of weird as me and alternate reality food love is a thing we talk about more than we probably should. Anyway.
*as in, pretty loosely. At no point was anyone an actual professional musician, more's the pity. Dickhead exes are 100% acute though.
Content Warning: Dad jokes, million-to-one coincidences, graphic fantasy death, implied non-graphic injury, fan fiction inside fan fiction. Oh the meta of it all!
One day when she was seventeen Bonnibel Sugar would learn about the law of large numbers, how things that seemed impossible could happen simply because there were so many damn people on the planet doing so many things and interacting with each other in so many ways that sooner or later some almost-impossible connection would happen by pure chance. And she wouldn't completely understand it, not then, not for another few years. But the law of large numbers would come back to haunt her eventually and it would all be because of that time she'd yelled at Neddy from across the beach and caught the attention of an older girl.
Bonnie was six years old and her sand castle needed a flag. The day was hot and sticky, the air was tense with the promise of a hurricane that eventually made landfall in the early hours a few miles further north. But for that afternoon it was golden sunshine and palm trees and playing on the beach and waiting for Neddy to finish his snacks so she could use the wrapper for a flag.
"NEDDY! SAVE YOUR WRAPPER FOR A FLAG!" she yelled up the beach at him where he was sitting on a blanket with their mother. He probably didn't hear though, he was too busy eating his cookies and staring in fascination at the seagulls screaming overhead. But someone else heard.
"You can use seaweed on a popsicle stick."
Bonnie looked up in surprise at the accented voice that addressed her at the same moment the shadow of a bigger kid fell across her face. For a moment she was squinting against the sun and shadow before she made out a girl a couple of years older than herself with very long black hair held back in a braid and a purple and green swimsuit complete with a little frilly tutu around the waist. The strange girl plopped down in the sand and held out a damp piece of seaweed, shaking the saltwater from her braid and leaving dark droplets in an arc around her.
"Look, y'stick it on here and put it in the top of the castle like this." the older girl explained patiently.
"Thanks." Bonnie replied squeakily, still shy around the other girl who'd started to grin.
"Y'all talk funny." she giggled.
"So you do. Are you American?"
"Yeah. Are you from Canada? You got an accent."
"No, I'm from England." Bonnie replied with a shy grin. Nobody had ever accused her of sounding Canadian before. "I can read." she added proudly.
"I can read too, I like reading. I read to my dog, he's called Schwabl and he likes it when I read him bedtime stories. So if you're from England do you know the queen?" the bigger girl asked with a smile that wrinkled her brown nose and made her look really happy. Bonnie liked her, she decided. She liked the way the girl talked, it sounded like the people on TV, and she liked her long pretty hair.
"The queen lives in London and we're from Colchester, we only go to London for the airport and Christmas shopping with Grandma. My family are here on holiday, we came on the plane. I went to Disney World." she announced proudly, indicating her Little Mermaid swimsuit and Disney baseball cap. The bigger girl nodded happily like she had any concept of where Colchester was or who her new friend's grandmother might be.
"I went to Disney World too. We go every year. Daddy takes off with his buddies and me an Uncle Simon go on vacation together. HEY SIMON!" she finished at a yell, waving to an older man with a trimmed white beard and a floppy sunhat who was stretching out on a beach towel under the shade of a palm tree. He looked up from his book and waved back.
"Your uncle is old. He looks like Santa Claus" Bonnie giggled, kicking her little feet in the sand happily.
"Yep. He's exactly forty years older than me. He's not really my uncle though. Simon was friends with my Mommy before she died and went to Heaven. He makes me tater tots after school and we go to the park when Daddy's at work. I wish Simon was my Daddy instead."
They talked little girl nonsense and built a whole row of sand castles with seaweed flags and shell decorations as the shadows lengthened and the sun sunk lower in the sky. Eventually Simon wandered over with a change of clothes for his niece and two ice creams, one for her and one for her new friend.
"Come on then, darling. We'd better head back to the motel. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?" he asked, handing her a t-shirt to wriggle into before she was allowed her ice cream.
"PIZZA!" the girl shouted excitedly. Simon laughed.
"Alright, we'll go for pizza! Is your friend gonna be back here tomorrow?" he asked, turning his friendly smile to Bonnie and holding out the second ice cream for her. She took it with a polite "thank you" and a blush.
"Maybe. We're on holidays." Bonnie muttered with a shy grin.
"Well little lady I hope you're enjoying your vacation. Maybe we'll see you on the beach again. Come on, darling, let's get you showered before we head out for pizza."
"Bye!" the older girl said around a mouthful of ice cream, waving furiously and grinning from ear to ear. Bonnie waved back and watched her walk off hand in hand with her old uncle who looked like Santa Claus before turning and skipping back to where her Mum was packing up their blanket and wiping the sand off Neddy's feet before she put his little sandals back on.
"Oh, did your friend go home?" she asked distractedly. Bonnie nodded and her mother looked at her directly with a small frown. "Where'd you get an ice cream, Bon?"
"Simon gave it to me." the little girl replied defensively. "He looks like Santa Claus and he was really nice, he's taking my friend for pizzas tonight. He's her uncle but he's not really a real uncle, he was a friend of her Mum who went to Heaven. They've got a dog too. Mum, can we have pizza tonight?"
Her mother laughed and hoisted the backpack full of beach gear and their blanket onto one shoulder before picking up Neddy and holding her hand out to her daughter. They trooped back to their huge rented car and drove to their holiday villa the long way, making a detour by the fishing lake to pick up Bonnie's father.
"Dad, can we get a doggy and have pizza tonight?" Bonnie pressed as he was helping her out of the car.
"Honey, you'll never manage to eat both. If you have pizza tonight we'll get dog tomorrow, ok?" he asked with a big grin, obviously thinking he was very funny.
"Bonnie made a friend on the beach who has a dog." her mother supplied from where she was unclipping Neddy from his car seat.
"I see. Does your friend have a name?" Bonnie's father asked conversationally as the whole family trooped back into the villa. Bonnie shrugged, she hadn't actually asked the older girl's name, it hadn't occurred to her.
"Uh... She's called Jasmine." she replied after a moment's thought. In her six year old brain it made perfect sense; she'd met plenty of princesses at Disney World and the girl on the beach looked a lot like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. And she'd forgotten to ask her name anyway so it was the most logical guess she could come up with in the circumstances. And then she was busy helping her Mum get Neddy changed for dinner and washing the sunscreen off her face and by the time they came back from the restaurant Bonnie was exhausted and full of good food, she just wanted to go straight to bed. And that was the last she thought about the day she met Princess Jasmine on the beach for another fifteen years.
...
"Love Potato?"
"It's actually really good, if you just give it a go-"
"Bon. No. Love Potato? Are you for real?"
"The title makes more sense in Korean!"
"I'm not watching a show called Love Potato! What's it even about?"
"Ok, there's this Potato Princess who rules the Root Vegetable Kingdom, it's less silly than it sounds, and she has these friends called Chips and Ice Cream who are sorta her errand boys and heroes, and there's this half plant-person werewolf character who's also kinda Ketchup who she has this whole, sorta, slightly homoerotic frenemies thing going on with-"
She broke off with a frustrated sigh when Jake just rolled his eyes and grinned at his brother over her head.
"It's got really deep themes!" Bonnie tried again, exasperated. "It's set in a post-apocalyptic future and it's all about love and loss and the nature of existence!"
"And the main character is a potato?" Finn asked sceptically.
"No, she's... sort of, a potato person? But she's really cool! And-"
"I'm putting on Heat Signature." Jake announced decidedly. Bonnie scowled but didn't argue; she knew when to pick her battles and she'd work on her roommates, get them to consider watching her slightly bizarre favourite anime another time when they'd sated their manly need for action movies. She accepted the bowl of popcorn Finn shoved at her with only a slight sulk and tried to focus on the dumb movie when Jake flicked the lights off and settled on the floor in front of them. It wasn't long before her attention wandered though.
At first she tried to follow the plot of the film, something about ghosts and a submarine and... something. But her phone buzzed in her pocket and Bonnie pulled it out with a happy grin. Aw yeah, alert email. She had a new review.
I loved this chapter really cute, you always write Cherrola and Rubesse so true to character, gah! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERRRR!
Bonnie rolled her shoulders in happy embarrassment and slid her phone back into her pocket. Yes, her taste in anime was weird. Yes, she wrote lesbian romance stories about those anime characters. No, her roommates didn't know. And she was perfectly happy to keep it that way. Introducing Finn and Jake to the concept of the Love Potato fandom... no, she'd die of embarrassment. Writing was her fun little secret, something she did when she was bored at her part time job or when studying got too intense and she wanted a break. And though she said so herself she was pretty good at it, too. At least, she had a few loyal readers and plenty of supportive reviewers who seemed to think she was worth spending their time on.
"Guys? I might fetch my laptop." Bonnie murmured after a few more minutes of nonsensical plot. Jake shot her a quick nod and Finn didn't even look around. Evidently he found the film gripping. She slid from her end of the sofa and tiptoed to her bedroom to grab her laptop and after a moment's indecision her earphones too. The boys wouldn't notice her music if she kept it just loud enough to cover the distracting noise of the film anyway. She settled back on the sofa and stealthily slid the earphones in once both guys were engrossed watching some explosive action scene. Bonnie opened her laptop, booted up her Word file and reread the last paragraph, trying to find her bearings with the story she was working on.
Cherrola tensed, face rigid in the breeze, and her nostrils flared at the faint scent remnants still hanging in the night air. This close to the full moon her senses were even sharper than normal and even with the wind in the wrong direction she was aware that something was subtly wrong.
"Cherra?" Rubie asked quietly in a voice thick with anxiety.
"Someone's been here." the werewolf whispered back. "Recently. Someone who knows how to use the air, someone who can hide their scent."
"Someone? You don't mean-"
"Other werewolves. Not the kind who only eat beef tomatoes, the kind who kill for fun. I... you shouldn't be around me. I'm dangerous." Cherrola cut her off with a harsh- Bonnie paused, she wanted to use the word 'whisper' but she'd already used that a line or two back. She chewed on her lip, staring into space and listening to the repetitive thump of her concentration music while she ran through possibilities in her head and finally decided on –with a harsh sigh of frustration. She almost jumped when slender fingers lovingly tucked back a strand of fine crimson hair from her face. The werewolf turned to gaze into the trusting smile of her princess, so soft and hopeful, still believing she was anything but a monster; and her whisper of affection turned into a sharp gasp of horror. There behind Rubesse, not twenty paces from where they stood, three werewolves gazed calmly out of the darkness at them. And the moon was rising.
"Rubie, run!" Cherra commanded, flinging herself forward and shoving the princess roughly out of the way even as her soft green tomato leaves began to harden and transform into razor sharp claws beneath the first rays of moonlight. It wouldn't be enough, she was alone and she had to keep all three of them at bay while Rubie escaped, she could do nothing but hope Chips had gotten her last desperate message before she lunged forward with a vicious howl as the transformation took hold.
"BONNIBEL SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?"
She almost fell off the sofa in fright, she'd been so engrossed in her story. Finn was shouting to be heard above her music and the credits were rolling on the film and obviously she'd been caught with her headphones on breaking the first rule of Roomie Video Club. Again.
"What are you even working on?" Jake asked curiously, trying to peer over her shoulder at the screen. Bonnie snapped the laptop shut and glared at him.
"I'm writing up a description of for my period diary. I'm seeing if I synch up with the other girls at work. You wanna read what I have so far?" she asked slyly. Jake's face turned white.
"N-no thanks." he stuttered.
"Cool. Well. Sorry, but Heat Signature was dumb and I guessed the submarine crew were actually the ghosts about ten minutes in. So I got bored. Sorry. I'm gonna take this into my room and finish writing up. I'll be up late, I'm on graveyard shift tomorrow." Bonnie replied with a sigh. She was already halfway to her room and charitably ignored Finn's mutter of 'anti-social, much?'. Whatever, she had a werewolf battle to choreograph.
...
"Come and wander with me,
To a forest full of trees,
We can journey through the woodland
And live so happily..."
Marceline sighed and flicked off her TV before the annoyingly jarring loud parts of the credits started. It was only eight in the evening in Seattle and in truth she was a little bored. Ash had her car so it wasn't like she could really go anywhere, it was too early to sleep and too cold to sit out in the backyard. She'd already exhausted her stash of videogames and now she'd caught up on the last episode of Love Potato along with a few other series she followed she was at a loose end. She scowled down at the dumb cast on her arm. Stupid broken wrist. She should have been getting ready to hit the stage and play the first support act for Within Temptation right about then but then a couple of weeks ago she'd lost an argument with a staircase and the Scream Queens had politely but firmly informed her they'd be looking for a replacement bassist. Marceline wasn't even mad with them, no reason for the rest of the band to miss their biggest gig of the year just because she was out of commission. But it was a special kind of torture to watch the minutes tick by and know that they'd be finished the sound check and opening the main doors to the crowd right then, Bongo would be tapping his drumsticks nervously against everything within reach, Keila would have taken over vocals and she'd be warming up by screeching tunelessly like always... And Marcy was sitting at home glaring down at her cast and hating the world and especially hating her bad karma and dumb lack of balance and her stupid boyfriend and- her stomach growled and she flung herself up off the couch to go raid the fridge. And her complete lack of any food. All there was in there was a six pack of Ash's taste in crappy beer, a couple of elderly apples and some sliced cheese. Apples wrapped in cheese was a meal, right? Sure it was, she reasoned. Probably not one that tasted any good but so long as there was something in her stomach she wasn't too fussy about bonuses like flavour. Marcy grabbed an apple and a couple of the cheese slices and retreated back to her couch fortress of solitude.
As predicted the apples and cheese were not a brilliant combination. But she was too hungry to care so she wolfed them down anyway before resuming her thrilling evening of staring into space and trying to not picture what was going on over at The Showbox. The band she'd invested years of her life in were performing the biggest show of their careers and probably schmoozing with industry professionals, it was difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed. She was pulled back from her reverie by the front door slamming; Ash was home and hopefully he'd brought real dinner.
"FOOD?" Marcy yelled without preamble in the direction of the hall.
"HUH?"
"DID YOU BRING FOOD?"
"BABE I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"FOOD, ASH! DINNER! PIZZA, BUGER, FRIES, ANYTHING. I'M DYING OVER HERE!"
"Uh, no? I only came back to change my shirt, I'm heading into town with the guys for some beers." Ash announced as he wandered into the lounge with his work shirt already unbuttoned and his blonde Mohawk mussed.
"Wow, thanks for including me in your plans." Marcy scowled. "What the hell am I supposed to do about dinner?"
"Whatever. Like you even wanna come along, you hate my friends. Buy a pizza or something, I dunno. You're a big girl, you'll figure something out. Don't wait up though cause I might stay at Darren's or something."
He disappeared into the bedroom and came back out a minute later pulling on a clean t-shirt. Marcy glared hard at his back as he disappeared again then as soon as he was safely gone she flipped the bird at him; no sense in actually insulting the guy to his face because she really didn't need yet another explosive row but she had to do something to relieve her frustration with him. And then Marceline remembered something awesome that Ash didn't know about yet. She pulled out her phone, dialled the local pizza delivery place and put the call on loudspeaker so she could swipe through her photos. Yeah, the one she'd taken of Ash's credit card was still there. Cool, she was getting pizza.
Once her order was placed and she was waiting for delivery Marceline turned back to the matter at hand; fixing her boredom. There was nothing good on TV and she wasn't in a gaming mood. She ended up on her laptop staring blankly at google wondering what to do. This never happened on TV, Marceline thought. How come there were never any episodes of Love Potato where the characters lazed around being bored and hating their busted bones? And then she had an idea.
She hadn't been on any fan fiction websites in years, not since she'd gotten over being horribly disappointed by the end of Harry Potter, but there wasn't much else to do so she found herself typing 'Love Potato fan fic Cherrola and Rubesse' into the search box. Marcy was surprised by the amount of results that came back and clicked on the first one curiously.
Sea Of Tranquillity by TwistThePinkTriangle, a Love Potato FanFic! A brutal murder. A false accusation. Now Cherrola stands to lose everything unless she can overcome her pride and accept the help of Rubesse Russet, the one person she'd hoped to avoid involving. But as the body count rises will their combined forces be enough to avoid the hangman's noose? A Potamo (Rubie/Cherra) pairing romance/horror fic, rated M for violence and girl on girl sex.
Chapter One: Tooth and Bone
In the city a woman screamed. The rain was falling hard and even the tramps had abandoned their usual haunts in the darkened park. It was late and cold. There wasn't soul to be seen near the thin clump of trees by the lake. Without warning a girl tripped into a thin halo of weak light from a street lamp before stumbling blindly towards the road in blind panic. Across the street the hospital buzzed with the usual Saturday night traffic; drunks and revellers with broken glass ground into their wounds. The smell of blood was so hard to resist but the lights and the noise usually kept even the most determined predators hidden in the darkness. Not that night though.
The woman bled, the rain fell and nobody heard her broken sobs as she tried to pull herself towards the distant buildings. The sharp, rich scent of her blood mixed intoxicatingly with the delicious friction of fear and the predator inhaled deeply, driven half mad by the sweet anticipation of the kill. Slowly, almost lovingly, he crouched low over her semiconscious form and delicately took her head in his enormous mouth. So beautiful, such perfect smooth skin and cherry red lips. She made his heart ache with longing. He allowed a moment to appreciate the feeble flutter of her balled fists against his chest before he carefully pressed down with just a fraction of his strength. His teeth effortlessly pierced her skull and her hot blood and flesh begin to trickle into his eager throat. Nobody heard the slick crunch of jaws on bone, nobody even heard her scream. But they heard him cry his ecstasy to the sky. The song of the predator filled the darkness-
Marceline almost bit through her own tongue with fright when a sharp knock at the door pulled her back to reality. She shivered despite the warmth of the room; she'd been completely engrossed in her story. Taking care to balance her laptop someplace she could still read and eat she got up and answered the door to the pizza delivery boy before hurrying back to the couch with her food and losing herself in the story again. Marcy barely even tasted the extra hot pepperoni deep pan. She was way too busy consuming every single word her new favourite author had gifted her with and planning the breathless review she was going to leave just as soon as she finished the next chapter.