Trini bounces her knee, fidgets with her wedding ring, chews her lip. Her wife sits next to her in the small, bare office, fingers picking at the torn leather armrest. They wait, anxious, as the woman behind the desk inspects each paper of their latest application. The process has taken months of legal counsel and government red tape and sleepless nights. Because they are married women, and they are young; barely twenty-four; and neither of these things technically matter, legally matter, except that they do. And against these two little (huge) details their respectable combined income, their degrees, their three bedroom house and near perfect credit score and squeaky clean background checks mean almost nothing.
The second hand on the clock over the door ticks. Tocks. The papers shuffle. Trini's heel taps, faster. Faster. Kim digs her fingers out of the armrest and rests her hand on her knee, squeezing gently. Trini glances over and Kim flashes her a comforting, if strained, smile. Their hands find each other's, palms a little sweaty with nervousness, their fingers intertwining, and they both remember to breathe. Both let the sounds fade into the background as they focus on the familiarity of each other's skin.
The woman; Dr. Sanders, sets the papers aside with the clearing of her throat and smiles warmly. She stands and offers her hand over the desk, "congratulations, Mrs. and Mrs. Hart, it looks like we've finally got all of the forms in order. Third time's the charm, right?" Trini stands on shaky legs and her hand trembles as she shakes Dr. Sanders', but the woman's grip is firm, grounding. "Still want Kailee? We have younger children, at your ages I still recommend a five or six-year-old."
Trini looks at her wife, brows furrowed in question. They had met all of the children at the agency over the months at least twice, but Trini's connection with Kailee had been instantaneous, and as soon as they had left the room after that first meeting Kim had said 'I think she's the one,' grinning with excitement. Kim meets her eyes and they both nod, their hands coming together again. "We're sure."
…
Trini follows Kim into one of the playrooms; her heart lodged in her throat, her pulse thrumming in her ears, her palms sweaty. She has not been this nervous, this excited, since she watched Kim walk down the rose and iris petal sprinkled aisle in her ghagra. Since she had to steady her hand long enough to slip that elegant diamond ring onto her wife's finger. The bouquet of pink and yellow roses practically vibrates in her quivering hands, just as the ring had. Kim; her anchor, her rock, her eye in the storm, is not fairing much better; the present in her own hands shaking just as much, her eyes just as wide.
Kailee, seven- no, Trini reminds herself, eight years old, now, looks up from her book when she hears them enter and uncurls herself from her corner of the couch, beaming. "Kim! Trini! You're back to visit again?"
Trini's feet will not cooperate, will not let her step forward, but Kim's fingers find her elbow, tuck into the joint of her arm, and they take that first step together, cross the room together, crouch down in front of the brunette girl together. "Act-" Kim clears her throat, licks her lips. "Actually, we were hoping that this wouldn't just be a visit."
Kailee folds her arms around herself, hopeful but guarded, and Trini's heart breaks. Dr. Sanders told them that she has been in the system since she was five, that each year her chances of getting adopted diminish, that they are the third couple to spend time with her. Kailee has opened up to them slowly, so slowly, over the months; always careful with her words, her trust. She will not let herself believe that these women could want her, even as Kim offers the present. Trini knows the ache of that doubt, that hope, that raw want, when offered something that she does not think she deserves. Wants to love and protect this shy eight-year-old just as Kim and her boys had loved and protected her.
Trini speaks before Kailee lets the fear take over, her voice laced with affection; "would you like to come home with us?"
Arms are wrapping around her neck, pulling Kim to them, and Trini holds her wife, holds their daughter, and cannot help but feel like her arms, her heart, were made for this moment.
…
Trini and Kim sit at the kitchen island, hands on each other's knees, content to watch as Kailee explores her new home. She is quiet, so they are, too. Kailee is thorough with her inspection, crouching down onto her knees to examine her new toys tucked under the coffee table, standing on her tiptoes to take in the books on the top shelf, opening cabinets and closets and testing the throw pillows for softness. Eventually she finds the family photographs on the wall and points, curious, and they both come over to her.
Kim crouches by her, "can I pick you up? Only say 'yes' if you want me to." Kailee is silent for a long time, her fingers twirling her hair as she thinks, and Kim starts to stand when she finally nods. Kim lifts her up; she is a little too big to be placed on her hip, but Kailee missed out on this part of her life with a parent, so Kim holds her bridal style with her super strength.
Kailee points to a picture of Trini with two younger boys hugging her from either side, all three with matching smiles. "Those are my little brothers, your uncles; Lucas and Mateo. They can't wait to meet you!"
Kailee reaches out her arm and Trini takes her small, soft hand, free of scars and callouses and so unlike her own. "I have uncles?"
Trini points to a picture of the five rangers in a dog pile, all tangled limbs and bright colors, "you have a lot of uncles. This is Jason; he can't wait to watch you, and Billy; he's going to teach you so many cool things, and Zack… he's going to be a bad influence and there's nothing we can do to stop him."
Kim rolls her eyes, "you're so dramatic. But also probably right."
Kailee tucks her face in Kim's neck, overwhelmed, "do I have to meet them all?"
Kim hugs her closer as Trini rubs her back with soothing circles. "You don't have to meet anyone until you're ready, okay?"
Kailee nods and burrows closer. Trini shares a smile with her wife; Kim's neck is one of her favorite places to hide, too. After a minute Kailee relaxes a little, pulls back to look at the pictures again. "What about them?"
Kim beams, "those are your grandparents. My Papa and Maamajee, and Trini's Papa."
"I have grandparents? And uncles?" They nod; Trini's cheeks hurt from smiling all day, but she cannot seem to stop. Kailee looks between them, hesitant. "And you're my moms?"
Trini's smile widens, "yes. If you want us to be."
Fat tears roll down Kailee's cheeks. She hiccups, "I have a family."
Trini remembers when she found this family; seventeen and broken. Remembers how they loved her for her, how they helped her grow. She cannot wait for Kailee to find this family, too. "Yeah, you do."
…
Trini brushes and braids her hair in a different style every morning at the kitchen island while Kim makes breakfast for three. Kailee opens up, quiet morning by quiet morning, begins to tell them about her new friends at school, her favorite sports in gym class, her language arts projects. Over days and weeks of eggs and toast and stories 'Kim' becomes 'mom' and 'Trini' becomes 'mama.' The first time it happens Trini burrows into Kim's arms; overwhelmed, as soon as Kailee is safely on the bus. Because she had never let herself daydream about having a wife, about being a mom, and she loves them so much it hurts.
At night, before bed, the three of them read together. Kailee starts; reading for longer and longer as she becomes more confident, asking what words mean and how to pronounce them. Then Trini takes over; with silly voices and dramatic hand gestures and the occasional slip of commentary, (Harry Potter often leads to heated debates between the three of them). When Kailee's eyes start to droop and Trini's voices become too much Kim reads; her voice steady, calm, lulling Kailee and even Trini closer to sleep.
Her grandparents take her clothes shopping every few weeks, because she is growing like a weed already, and her wardrobe becomes a mix of red and black and blue, but mostly yellow and pink. Trini and Kim let her choose her outfits for the most part (Kim will insist on a jacket if it is even slightly chilly, a hat on bright, clear days), and Trini is always sneaking pictures of her in her clashing clothes. Jason takes her to his garage and builds her a matching bedframe and dressers. He lets her use the hammer and paintbrush and even lets her help him with the drill, ("don't tell mom"). Billy and Kailee play with LEGOs, and K'NEX, and circuit boards. He teaches her coding and electrical wiring and how to make grilled cheese. Billy mentions taking her to the mine one time and Kim threatens to ban him from the house for a month. He never brings it up again.
Zack takes his role as uncle a little too seriously; they all go to her soccer games, but he is screaming in the stands with a 'GO KAILEE' glitter poster, Trini's brothers yelling right along with him. They all go to her science fair, but Zack picks her up and puts her on his shoulders, running a lap around the gym, waving her ribbon in the air, when she places second. They all buy her too many presents on her birthdays, but Trini and Kim have to go through Zack's pile first and make him take at least half of them back to the store. ("She does not need a katana, Zack, where did you even find this?!")
Trini has always kissed Kim goodbye and hello, since they were eighteen. Has always hugged her wife, from behind in the kitchen when she is cooking, on the couch while they thumb through Netflix, and sometimes just because she can. Just because she loves her. Kailee was hesitant toward hugs at first, but now Trini gets to give her goodbye and hello hugs, too. And bedtime cuddle hugs. And 'just because' hugs. Trini did not think that she could ever love anyone as much as she loves Kim, did not think her heart had much more room for love. But she loves her daughter, so much. And her daughter and her wife together? That love takes her breath away, every day.