Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural

He had been trying to forget it ever since it had happened thought Sam as he stared through the tinted windows of the Impala. He had been trying to forget the worst three months of his life. Not only because Dean had been dead, although that was a big part of it, but also because what he had become in his absence.

He wanted to forget that he would have sacrificed anything, even an innocent human to save Dean. He wanted to forget how his brother looked without life in his eyes. Unfortunately, in everyday activities, Sam was reminded of a way Dean had died. Anything Dean did Sam could conjure up an image of Dean dying doing the same activity. He hated it so much and if he wasn't so relieved that Dean was alive Sam didn't think he could stand being around him.

Sam knew that Dean wasn't stupid. Especially when it came to him, he always seemed to know when something was wrong. At first, Dean had just assumed that watching him die so many times had taken a toll on him. As time went on Dean had realized it was a lot more than that. His brother had tried to get Sam to open so many times but Sam would never tell Dean because that would mean telling his brother what he had done in his absence. If he could help it Sam would never tell that he had lived without Dean for over 3 months. How he had become cold, hard, ruthless, vicious, unfeeling, automated. How he chose to stop feeling and instead focused solely on finding the trickster and annihilating any demon that was in his way.

They had finally gotten to their destination. The hotel where they last found Bella was staying. They went almost silently up the back stairs. Sam bent down and took the lock picks out of his pocket and quickly unlocked it. Dean opened the door and the two brothers took out their guns. They searched the room until they heard.

"Hey!" Dean and Sam slowly turned around and saw a guy with a gun shaking slightly aimed his gun at Dean. This scene was all too familiar from when that guy had done the same thing in the mystery spot.

A shot fired off and a hole appeared in the man's shirt he looked down puzzled at the hole before dropping to the floor with a loud thud. Sam searched to see who had shot him and saw his finger wrapped around the trigger of his gun which had somehow found it's way into his hand. Sam was shocked, to say the least. He didn't mean to shot him he hadn't even consciously thought of it, it had just happened. If Sam was shocked that was nothing compared to the expression on Dean's face. Shock, which slowly turned in anger.

"What the hell Sam?!"

"There's something I need to tell you."

"What can you say that explains why you shot a man in the chest?!"

"Dean the way that guy was pointing that gun at you was exactly like the first Tuesday. I know that doesn't excuse it, but that's not all. There was another Wednesday, different than the Wednesday that we had. Someone shot you and you died. You stayed dead. I lived without you for three months. I hunted down the trickster and he brought you back." Dean looked shocked and seemed to consider what Sam had said for a moment.

"That still doesn't explain why you shot the guy," Dean said but not as harshly as before.

"For the three months, you were dead...I was... different." Sam took a deep breath. " I was numb, unfeeling, all I did was hunt demons. I was worse than Dad because I didn't have anyone that I had to take care of. Bobby said that he had a way to summon the trickster." Normally Sam would start crying or avoiding eye contact at this point, but not any longer. He was no longer that Sam Winchester. Sometimes he wished he was.

"He said the ritual would need a gallon of fresh blood and I didn't even blink an eye. I was just going to get it." Sam saw the shock and disgust in his brother's eyes. Sam only then felt disgusted at himself but only because Dean found him disgusting. Sam looked away from Dean to a point on the floor.

"Bobby said that he wouldn't let me kill anyone and asked me to kill him. I was pretty sure that he was a trickster so I stabbed him with a stake. I was right, he was the trickster and it was another version of him like before...He brought you back." He had never wanted to Dean to know any of this, because if he didn't say anything he could try to forget. Now he wouldn't be able to. Sam waited for Dean to say something, anything, but Dean didn't look up from his spot on the floor.

"Sam I don't know how to deal with this. I mean you killed someone. Someone who wasn't possessed," Dean clarified. "Someone who has never killed anyone before and whose only crime was pulling a gun out."

"I didn't even realize that I did it until I did it," Sam pleaded with Dean not to abandon him after he had just gotten him back.

"Sam..."Dean couldn't just abandon him. Dean was his humanity and without Dean, he was nothing but grief, pain, and annihilation.

"Please Dean...without you I don't think I could...I need you..." Sam said tears silently falling down his face. Dean didn't say anything for a long moment.

"Ok Sam...we'll deal with this like we've dealt with everything else." Dean didn't look sure though and he kept glancing at Sam like he had never seen him before. It broke Sam's heart to see Dean doubt him, because Dean had never shown such open doubt in regards to him before. At least Dean wasn't leaving him so it wasn't all bad. At least that what Sam told himself and tried to believe it.

Author's note: This went in whole other direction than I originally thought it would...I don't know what with me and all my little one shot's that I generally don't like but end up posting anyways. Especially when I have two stories that need updating. Which I still plan on updating I just have a severe case of writer's block in case any one is wondering. Anyway sorry for rambling. Please review and make my day please? Even if you hate it review and tell me that you did.

Edit: Sorry I didn't read it before I posted it so inevitably I made some mistakes. I do a lot of first and third person writing so I usually mess up the POV's unless I check it which I was too lazy to do before. Here's the repost.