Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of it's characters, etc.
Whoosh. Whoosh.
I looked down at our hands, joined so tightly together. The joining of flesh was so simple, so innocent, and yet oddly more comforting than anything else. I began to speak.
"It's funny, you know. Everyone says that life can change in an instant. One moment, and everything changes. I didn't even see it coming, you know. Sometimes, you think that if you just pretend that nothing is wrong, it will just go away. I guess I found out the hard way that it doesn't. I haven't exactly been a model citizen lately. I need you to forgive me for that. There are some things I need you to know. Things that I hope I've showed you, even when I've been unable to say them out loud. I think a part of me was afraid that if I did, they would change. That seemed to be the story of my life before you came into it. If I started to care about someone, they would leave for one reason or another. The only constant in my life, the only person that was really ever there for me was my Mom."
A memory flashed through my mind. I was 5, and I was upset because no one would play with me in Kindergarten. Mom did everything she could to cheer me up, including donning her old prom dress and playing 'dressup' with me. We ate ice cream outside in the yard in our dresses, giggling incessantly. It was one of the sweetest memories I had, and I had many. I smiled, and as a tear rolled down my cheek I continued.
"I'm not proud of some of the things I've done. I know that a lot of times, when you tried to get close to me, I pushed you away. Self-preservation, I guess. But if there's one thing I could change, that would be it. You did nothing but care for me, and accept me unconditionally, and on more than once occasion I basically threw it back in your face. I'm so sorry for that."
I choked a little on the last part. It seems like the last year of my life required apologies to everyone I'd steamrolled over. I'd lost control, and I needed to get it back. This was step one, even though it seemed like it was too late.
Whoosh. Whoosh.
"I wanted to let you know, that I am forever grateful for your presence in my life. When I've needed you most, you were there. I'm sorry if I let you down. I know I let myself down a lot this past year. I was faced with a life and death situation, and I couldn't handle it. It seems so stupid now, because you've been faced with life and death every day, and you held it together. You were who we needed you to be, and you're so much stronger than I could ever be. And…"
I paused, because the next words were too difficult to say out loud. But for my peace of mind, and his, I needed to say them. I needed to let him know that it was ok, that I understood.
"… if you need to let go, we understand. We love you, and you deserve to be at peace. It will be hard, but I promise you I'll do whatever it takes to hold it together. I won't let you down again."
I hung my head, silently cursing life and the path it had taken. Why did bad things always happen to good people? He'd done nothing in his entire life to deserve this. I, on the other hand… I'd hurt so many people. The people closest to me, and most of all, myself. I couldn't help but think that in some way, he was paying for my mistakes.
Whoosh. Whoosh.
The sound was so rhythmic, it was almost calming. As I sat in turmoil, I didn't feel sorry for myself. There was no room, no time for that. And to be honest, I didn't deserve pity, even from myself. What I was going through was nothing compared to the man whose hand I was clutching so tightly. It was nothing compared to what my Mother would go through when everything finally fell apart.
"I love you, Dad. And it's ok. You can rest now."
Later, the doctors would smile patronizingly at me, and tell me it was impossible – but I know as surely as I know my own name that he squeezed my hand when I said that.
I rose from the chair, and walked out of the room. It was Mom's turn to say goodbye to her husband. And later, I would be there to pick up the pieces.
The gentle whooshing sound of the ventilator followed me into the hall and faded slowly away.
It was the last time I ever saw him alive. Archie Simpson, my father in all the ways that mattered, died 4 hours later. The cancer that he'd fought off so bravely had returned with a vengeance, and this time his body was simply too tired to fight anymore.
We buried him on a Tuesday afternoon. It was time for me to step up and be strong, like I couldn't seem to be during the last year of his life. I wanted to be the Emma he knew, remembered, and loved. Because I owed him that much.