You can probably tell by the title of this fanfic, this is about a night in Kutou. This is the story of any given night in Kutou, and all the weird crap that happens that the Seiryuu seishi don't want us to know about, especially Nakago. Spoiler free, unless you don't know who all the Seiryuu seishi are. Ano... Mild language warning. One more thing. We LIKE Tomo. Don't expect him to be the laughingstock of this fic. Same goes for the other parodies that will be following this one.
This is nowhere near as detailed as the rest of my (angst-filled) work. That's because, one, it's a comedy fic, and two, we traded off writing, and Celleri's more sparse with detail than I tend to be.
This is a parody. OOC-ness abounds.
--------------------------------------
It was calm and peaceful. The sky was clear, the stars were shining.
It didn't last.
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP!"
"Ashitare! SHUT UP!"
"Awrroooooooo..."
"I SAID SHUT UP, ASHITARE! DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!"
"Awroo."
An arc of electricity climbed up to the roof.
"AWWWWWWWWWWROO---Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!"
"Thank you, Soi."
"Think nothing of it, Nakago-sama. Now, where were we?"
-
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Aw, DAMMIT, not again!"
There was no reply from Nakago's room. Apparently, the occupants were--occupied.
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Yui staggered out of her room and up to the roof. "Ashitare, for the love of Seiryuu, will you please be quiet? I--AAAACK!! Ashitare, get off my leg! Get off, get off, get off!"
Ashitare yelped as the sleep-deprived Seiryuu no miko kicked him in the face.
"Somebody DO something about him, I'm the miko, you guys are supposed to listen to me..."
Luckily, the wolf managed to stay quiet for awhile. But only for awhile.
-
"AWWWWWWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
"DAMMIT ASHITARE, I'M WARNING YOU-"
"Shun-chan!"
"I can't STAND it, Aniki! Please, lemme just impale him once or twice on Ryuuseisui, I promise I won-"
"No."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? Pretty please with sugar on top?"
"It's not working."
"But--"
"NO."
A lovely, peaceful, with-any-luck-sleep-inducing melody drifted up through the night.
"AWWWROOoooo...zzz...."
-
"zzz...oooo...Awrooo...Awroooooooo! AWWWWWROOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"$&%#(!"
"Does he always do this?"
"Only during full moons."
"Someone shut him up... I have to get up tomorrow."
"We ALL have to get up tomorrow."
"Do we have to?"
"We have a miko to kill and a god to summon."
"But do we have to do it awake?"
"Don't make me hurt you."
"AWWWWRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Finally, Tomo, who is a rather sound sleeper, started banging on his ceiling with a broomstick. "Damn it, Ashitare! If you don't shut the hell up, I'm coming up there, and only one of us is comin' back down, do you hear me!? I need my beauty sleep, some of which could do you wonders there, wolf-boy!"
"Beauty sleep?" someone snickered.
"Don't make come and get you, too, Soi! I'm more beautiful than you'll ever be!"
"Like hell you are, you painted--"
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Tomo, who was not a morning person, much LESS a TWO 'O CLOCK in the morning person, dragged himself out of bed. The moonlight shone gloriously on his beautifully pale face, shimmering in his silver-black hair, which fell around him in shadowy waves. One graceful hand was cupped around his head; his metallic gold eyes held the promise of death. *Excuse the authors' drool as they wax poetic on Tomo-sama*
"I'm sorry, Ashitare, but I'm going to have to kill you... Wait, let me amend that... I'm not sorry! Kakaka--" Tomo started hacking and coughing. "Damn, I can't DO it this early in the morning! Do you have any idea how much practice and conditioning and preparation it takes to be able to do that?!"
A voice called from below, "Nobody CARES, Tomo, just kill him and be DONE with it!"
"SHUT UP SOI, I laugh better than you, I'm more beautiful than you, I'm more talented than you, I'm more powerful than you, I'm a snazzier dresser than y--"
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"DAMMIT ASHITARE, don't interrupt me when I'm declaring all my superiorities to Soi! Now, as I was saying-"
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"I'll finish you later, Soi. Preferably at a less ungodly hour of the morning. Now--Ashitare, look what I've got for you! A stick! Yes, look at the stick!"
He gave it an experimental shake, making sure he had Ashitare's full attention, then tossed it to the other end of the roof. Ashitare bounded off in pursuit, and Tomo went back to bed.
-
No sooner was Tomo calmly curled up in his blankets with a UFO-Catcher Nakago (and this close to a dream about him), than Ashitare lost interest in the stick.
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"Miboshi, it's your damn turn! DO something about him!"
"$#$@. Like what?"
"How the hell should I know--do I look like a stupid little damn floating midget monk bastard to you? Just shut him up!"
"NO! I'm not trying to sleep anyway! Shut him up yourselves!"
"Miboshi, so help me, if you don't do something about him, I'll let him use you as a CHEW TOY!!!"
"I'd like to see you try, blondie!"
Unfortunately, Miboshi is not the type who can judge a bluff. Nakago, being who he is, does not bluff when concerning his own seishi, much less his own sleep.
Miboshi found himself covered in Ashitare's saliva and teeth marks before he could blink. Since his magic wasn't available to him (hey, even Chichiri would have trouble casting even minor spells at three in the morning, especially in the recesses of Ashitare's mouth no da.) he had to put up with it. Unfortunately, this was, at best, only a temporary diversion.
-
"AWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"Somebody KILL HIM..."
"We can't, we still need him."
"Do we really? I mean, what's so great about summoning a giant lizard?"
"That 'giant lizard' gave you your powers, and He can take them away, so watch your mouth."
"Well I'd give Him my powers if He'd take Ashitare away with them!"
"Fine, fine, fine, since you incompetents are incapable of dealing with even minor nuisances like this one, I guess it's up to me to deal with it for you."
"So long as you shut him up," someone growled.
"I HEARD THAT!"
"I don't care whether you heard me or not! It's too early in the morning for me to care! Just shut him up!"
Grumbling about insolence in one's subordinates, Nakago stormed up to the roof.
"Ashitare," Nakago began. "I'm only going to say this once, so listen up and listen g-- GET OFF ME!"
"Master!"
"Ashitare, get off me, and I mean NOW."
"Master!" Ashitare proceeded to show his affection by pinning Nakago down and licking his face.
"Uggh, gross, Ashitare, get off me! This is disgusting! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!"
"Master!" Ashitare cooed, nuzzling Nakago's cheek. He bounced away suddenly and returned with Tomo's stick in his mouth. He wagged his rear and waited patiently for Nakago to throw it.
"You want me... to play fetch," the implacable shogun said. If he had been capable of SD and/or sweatdropping, he would surely have done so.
"Uh huh!" Ashitare pushed the stick toward Nakago's feet with his nose and let his tongue loll out of his mouth.
"You want me, to play fetch."
"Uh huh!" Ashitare nodded obliviously, completely unaware of Nakago's anger threshold and just how close he was to a serious Nakago-brand ass whoopin'. Then, of all the idiotic things he could do at that moment, he did the most idiotic thing on the list.
"AWWWWWROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"SHUT HIM THE HELL UP!"
Nakago, in his sexy silken blue bedrobe (the one with the bunnies stiched on the inside), had had just about enough. He picked up the stick and grinned. "All right, Ashitare. You want the stick? Here, boy, here, Ashitare!" he taunted, whistling a few times. "FETCH!"
A little ki manipulation and BAM, that stick might as well have been tied to a firecracker for all the good it did. There was probably enough force to knock it clear into Konan.
Ashitare watched it go, looked at Nakago, and looked in the direction it had gone. He turned back to Nakago with a look to say, "You're not serious, right? I mean, come on, this is Fetch, not a damn marathon, here, pal..."
"Well, what are you waiting for? Fetch."
Ashitare gulped, turned tail, and dashed out of there to get the stick, howling at the moon periodically until he was about a mile away from the palace.
Nakago waited until he was gone. When Ashitare was out of eyeshot, he went back to his own chamber, where Soi was fast asleep and hogging all the blankets.
"Aw, man, I hate this," Nakago whined. "She hogs all the blankets and I swear, she keeps trying to sock me in the jaw in her sleep."
By then it was about three thirty and Nakago was in the mood to neither kill Soi nor put up with her sleeping patterns. So, he took his pillow and went to Tomo's room.
He knocked on Tomo's door.
"Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...Whaddya want, 'm tryin'a get some sleeeeeeeeeeeep... Go aaaawaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy..."
"Tomo. Let me in."
The door flung open as a happy and very awake Tomo greeted him. "Hi, Nakago-sama! How are you? Were you sleeping well? What brings you here?" He moved away from the door and sat down his bed, suggestively patting the empty space next to him.
"Shut up, Tomo. Soi's hogging my bed-"
"She ALWAYS does that!"
"- and there's no room for me. Move over."
"Oh, of course, Nakago-sama! If you ever need a bed, you can share mine!"
"I'm not sharing. Get on the floor."
"But it's coooold. Besides, without Soi you're gonna be cold too! If you don't have me in there with you you'll freeze!"
"That's what blankets are for. Get on the floor."
"But I only have one set!"
"You have a LOT of hair, Tomo."
"But it'll get all tangly and it'll be a pain to comb out tomorrow!"
"Not as much pain as you'll be in if you don't get out of this bed."
"But I'll be cranky all day tomorrow and--"
"Tomo."
"Yes, Nakago-sama?"
"Shut up, get on the floor, and go to sleep."
Tomo obediently got on the floor with a pillow, and tried miserably to go to sleep. He listened helplessly as Nakago's breathing steadied and slowed. Finally, he stood up and stared longingly at Nakago's face, beautiful and cold as marble, the golden hair gleaming softly, like a halo.
Like a fallen angel.
As he stood there, wallowing in anguished pain, a thought occured to him. A slow smile crept over his face.
"Nakago-sama," he murmured.
The blond didn't even twitch. Using that much ki to propell the stick as far as he had, and still manage to keep it intact, had clearly exhausted him.
Very slowly and VERY cautiously, so as not to wake Nakago (he needn't have worried; the blond was doing his best impression of a human rock), Tomo pulled back the covers just a little bit.
Nakago didn't move.
Tomo back the covers a little bit more. Nakago still didn't move.
Tomo climbed in.
The door flung open abruptly, revealing a very pissy redhead, armed with a heap-big-nasty dagger.
"What," she demanded in outrage, "are YOU doing with MY blond?!"
Tomo grinned. "YOUR blond," he said smugly, "is in MY bed."
Soi ground her teeth.
"That's what you get for being a blanket hog," the illusionist informed her archly, tossing his long, shimmering, silky, glorious, much-better-than-cranberry-red hair over one shoulder and, not incidentally, Nakago. "I come with my own--and I share."
"Why you freaky painted son of a--"
A fight ensued. While Soi and Tomo beat each other's heads in at FOUR FIFETEEN in the morning, the blond at hand rolled over and began to snore. The small spit trail wending its way down his neck only made a small puddle on Tomo's mattress. It would later be declared a holy relic of Nakago-sama's greatness and one of Tomo's many shogun-based happy thoughts.
THE END
--------------------------------------
I did warn you. We LIKE Tomo, and neither of us are crazy about Soi. We resent Nakago for his treatment of Tomo, and in our parodies, he is treated accordingly. Please excuse the occasional lapses in humor. This is MY influence you're talking about here. Very few things can be kept completely humorous in the face of that. (Thank you, Suzaku, for my co-author, who only let me do it twice.)
To anyone who's read our work on fyfanfiction before--Sleeping Bishonen IS coming, I assure you. But it contains a reference or two to earlier parodies, so I'm doing these in order. To anyone who hasn't and is reading this anyway, Sleeping Bishonen is Celleri's and my masterwork, a parody of Disney's Sleeping Beauty. It will be up following the Nakago/Tomo Blanket Scenario fic.