Sheila,

That you have received this note from the one, who has delivered it to you, is a huge embarrassment to me. Nevertheless, I feel completely obliged to write to you, coz I am completely convinced that I owe you an explanation.

Hi! I am Nicole Guerin. A doctor by profession, I was always the non-conformist in the small countryside of Sete. My father left for his journey abode when I was five and ever since I saw my mother playing both parents to me. I loved her immensely and respected her no less for the courage she demonstrated by turning down proposals of re-marriage from so many men. She took it as her sole purpose of life to bring me up and make sure that all my aspirations were met. Which, I must admit were met, coz I too took it on myself to not let her down. But with the course of time, I grew up to believe that marriage was a virtue not meant for me. Time and again, I would tell her, "Maman! If you can remain happy with Papa gone for so many years, why can't I?"

She would frown, "But I had you? How do you intend to spend your life all alone?"

I remember the last conversation I had with her on this. She was hospitalised for her Cancer and knew she wouldn't make it back home. "Nicole! Life is too beautiful to be lived alone. To enjoy your womanhood, you ought to experience it with someone."

My adamant yet (now I realise) naive psychic, responded immediately, "Maman! If its sex and babies that you are talking about, lets not discuss it." I snapped and she shook her head before retiring to her compulsive sleep.

Well, the real reason why I never aspired to marry is plain and simple. I never aspired to marry and be a wife to anybody. I loved my job. I loved being in Sete and run my clinic here. I simply loved the independence that came with 'no strings attached'.

It's not that the general laws of attraction didn't work on me. They did. During my education, more often than not I found myself in a romantic fling. But that's what I kept them as. A Fling. I could not bear the thought of being tied down to one person for life and struggle all my life to keep pace with him. I do remember, once during my year of rotations at the wards, I got involved with a senior doctor. He wanted "that" irrevocable commitment from me and promised me the world in return. That night in my room after he had proposed to me, I felt so claustrophobic. The entire night, I kept running to the terrace of my hostel building for want of fresh air. That was the last that I had seen of that doctor. I made sure that I did not look into the eye with him, for rest of the duration that I interned in his ward.

Such several encounters in the following years convinced me further of one plain fact. I was suffering from phobia of commitment. They call it Gamophobia in scientific terms. (I would often chuckle at the very entomology of the term Game-Phobia. Gamo, they say in Greek means Marriage. I was scared of the game called marriage. *smiling at the hopeless young girl that I was*)

How much so ever I believed that I was leading a singular life as my mother did, I skipped one vital detail. Hers was a celibate widowhood, with the immaculate sense of pride that she took in being a single mother. On the contrary, I realise only now, that all my past life, I obviated marriage to enjoy all the benefits of Singledome and made up for what I was missing by having friends with benefits.

Over the years, I transformed. I started associating physical intimacy with the thrill of getting close to somebody. Close enough to set the person free from his inhibitions and willing to bare it all. Its not that I was a nymph, who was always on the lookout for targets to satiate my carnal desires. But remember? I was a doctor. A young and reasonably beautiful doctor who met several people at work. I had the power to soothe anybody's anxieties and worst fears about anything wrong with them or their dear ones'. Companionship came easily to me. I recall this one instance when a certain gentleman, came to my place to discuss the case of his extremely ailing wife. He was so worried and helpless that I walked upto his side of the sofa chair, sat on the sofa arm and caressed him, telling him not to worry. He held my hand so tightly and clutched it so close to his heart that I could feel every iota of his heart thumping. All the tenderness of my feline heart went oozing out for the distressed man that he was at that time. I couldn't help but engulf him into my embrace telling him, all will be well.

He clutched on to me for a good few minutes, when I felt him trying to fondle with me. I regressed immediately. He looked at me wide eyed and then lowered his head, "I havn't touched my wife or anybody for the last two years" he said in a whisper.

"You could get some good sex for a couple of bucks anywhere in this country." I replied in a stern voice, looking away. He apologised and left that night.

I ran into him at a general store, almost four months after his wife's demise. Not that he looked extremely distraught or something, but yes he did seem to me like a lost puppy, who could not remember where his home was. I invited him over for a dinner date at my place that night. By the time he was on his third drink, he confessed, "But I was also attracted to you, that night." I, myself on a fourth, looked into his eyes and uttered, "But I am no object to help you unwind from your wife's grief."

He took my hand in both of his and brushed it across his lips softly. "Today, the only reason would be that you look stunningly beautiful. I wish to be possessed by you."

I passed a tipsy smirk and replied, "Who will possess who is quite debatable though. But I can't be a replacement for your wife."

For a split second, his eyes grew dark as if he was looking at something distant. And then he retorted with a sigh, "That would be quite an insult to the mother of my three children." I laughed with my hand on my mouth.

And we did it. WE JUST DID IT. No strings attached, no baggage carried.

Why I am telling you all this is that I want you to know that I transformed into this super independent women who would time and again encounter nice men looking out for pleasure. I would weigh my odds of getting out of it the next morning with nothing to worry about and then proceed to have some pleasure for my own self. Of course, the contraception part of would be taken care of by the man himself or if there hadn't been enough time to prepare, I would fall back on the pill next morning.

In all my life, I never met a man who resisted me for any reason. I had flings with married men, who were ready to take the risk. In Hind sight, that was easy for them. Coz I was taking full responsibility for myself. Whoever had ever spent any time with me would know that I was never ever even over my dead body going to get back at them for doing what we did. So obviously it was easy for them. *chuckling to myself*

And then I met Robert.