Lullaby
She'd been stood outside alone for a few minutes now. In the daze of confusion, shock and sadness she could hear muffles of voices from inside as people - her family and friends - tried to make sense of what had happened.
Footsteps echoed around her as people began to make their way home. None of them spoke a word to her. She could feel their eyes burning into her and she could hear them whispering to one another, but nobody seemed to directly approach her. She knew they were talking about her. That poor girl they would say, as if they understood what she was going through. But they didn't - none of them did.
Her knuckles slowly turned a paler shade of white as her grip on the railing before her tightened. Even outside against the open air, she felt scarily suffocated. Her strapless pink dress that only a few minutes earlier had made her feel like a princess, now felt like it was trapping her in. Her golden wavy hair that fell over her shoulders was brushing against her as only a feather could and she combed her fingers through it, gathering it into a tight bunch at the back of her head. Tighter she pulled. Another strand of hair. But no matter how tight her grasp, or how red her hairline became, the pain seemed numb compared to what she felt inside.
Her feet ached from wearing high heels for six hours straight. Sitting on the wooden decking that surrounding the pub, she pulled the shoes from her feet and slowly dipped her feet into the cool water of the pond before her. A shiver echoed down her spine as the immediate shock of the water temperature phased her.
The balloons tied to the railings made her feel anxious as they collided with one another against the harsh wind that had picked up over the last few minutes. She could see goose bumps across her arms, yet she didn't feel cold. Not on the outside.
She felt a sharp pain as the golden sun sent a blinding sparkle across her face from the gold band she was wearing on her finger. She ran her thumb across it sadly, half expecting it to disappear from her touch. Just like he had.
If I could hold you close
Like you were never gone
She couldn't remember how they'd first met. She couldn't remember what the first words she ever spoke to him were. She remembered easily how it felt when they'd first kissed; like fireworks inside. She remembered clearly how it felt when they'd first made love. He'd been so gentle with her, like he was afraid of breaking her. She never once considered that she might break him.
They'd defied the odds. Right from the start of their relationship they'd battled a hundred hurdles and more, but they'd overcome each one, no matter how high the jump or how hard the fall, and they'd emerged stronger. Together. They still had their heated words, just as any couple did, but every argument they had made them love each other all the more in the end.
She remembered the reactions from people as they allowed their love for one another to become public knowledge. They'd called them names they'd both heard a thousand times before; Gold-digger, Desperado, Wannabe. But neither of them paid attention. They were just labels against strangers as far as they'd been concerned. It was what nobody else had ever managed to see that they'd seen in each other. He'd broken her tough shell and dug right to the heart of her, uncovering all the things that he grew to love her for and in return she'd loved him for who he was, not for his bank balance or his chain of businesses. Just him. From the outside, they seemed a recipe for disaster, but on the inside they were just the same version of a different person.
She remembered how she felt the night before. She'd spent the night alone in their bed because of some stupid tradition she'd foolishly decided she didn't want to break. She'd thought of her brothers and sister, wishing that they could all be there for her big day. The biggest day of her life, she'd been determined it to be. Unforgettable, even. Yet none of them had turned up, not even a phone call to wish her well. Already it seemed like fate was against her. She hadn't given up, though. A few hours earlier he'd been prepared to escape his current life - and her - for a fresh start elsewhere, but she'd used all her strength and ran that next hurdle, bringing them together once again. It's your choice; you can stay here and marry me tomorrow, or you can walk away if you want. He'd looked at her for a moment, before allowing a smile to work it's way across his face. He'd cupped her face in his hand and kissed her forehead softly. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried.
She'd walked down the aisle with her legs feeling like jelly. She was sure the only thing that had stopped her from fainting was Jack's arm that was linked with her own, leading her towards the rest of her life.
If I could hear your voice
You'd tell me to be strong.
By the time all the guests had left the pub, the sky had faded from a striking warm summer blue to a faded winter grey and it seemed almost unrealistic how such a warm light day could change in an instant. The irony of which hadn't been lost on her.
She could hear her name being said from back indoors, but she didn't move. She knew that moving meant she'd have to go in there and face them all. She knew that moving meant she had to force herself to face being alone. So she stayed. Her feet still dipped in the pond. Away from them all. Away from accepting that she was alone now. Away from the reality of a life without him.
She always wondered what he saw in her. It wasn't like she was a princess. Her track record was as colourful as a rainbow and she had spent her life certain that any man that came near her would instantly back off when they found out her past. The relationship with the guy that had been tragically killed in front of his fiancée - her sister. The guy that battled OCD and eventually left her to live a rock 'n' roll style life. The kiss and tell stories on z-list celebrities just for the fame of getting her name in the paper.
She knew how it portrayed her and she accepted that, but it hadn't stopped her fearing that he might run a mile. Hadn't stopped her clinging to hope that he'd accept her past and help her build a future. She knew he had a past too. She knew all about the crush he'd had on his own sister a few years earlier. She knew all about the gold-digging ex wife that had tried to kill him in the hope of breaking into his bank balance - she'd been the one that had comforted him after her death. She knew he'd lost his parents under tragic circumstances. And she knew he came ready made with a 5 year old brother. Yet she hadn't walked away. She'd found it tough at times. There were times she doubted whether she was actually good enough for him. She doubted that he'd want to spend the rest of his life with her when he remembered the vain, shallow, desperate side of her that she'd exposed so tragically to almost everyone that knew her. But she'd not given up on him. Despite their differences, she'd been certain fate wanted them to spend the rest of their lives together.
Aint it crazy how you think you've got your whole life planned
Just to find out it was never, ever in your hands?
She hadn't been there when it happened - something she knew she would feel guilty about for the rest of her life. Instead, she'd been stood outside her home, thinking about how happy she was and how it had been her perfect day. She hadn't stopped to consider what this day had meant to him. How many hurdles, fears and nightmares he'd overcome in his journey to come out on top. Not that it surprised her, she was well known for being selfish. Why should it be any different today?
She remembered painfully how in an instant she'd felt her whole world crumble around her. How it seemed like everything had gone into slow motion right before her very eyes. She couldn't remember how or why she'd been walking in that direction in the first place. Had she been allowing herself some space to be thankful for what she had? Had she gone in search of the only person she truly wanted to see at that moment? She wasn't sure. Not for the first time, she knew she didn't have all the answers.
She understood as well as everybody that neither of them had been prepared for the hand they'd been dealt as they both tried to understand fully their new found longing for one another. She knew they'd take many gambles along the way to be sure they won out in the end, but as he'd taken his own hand in hers and smiled at her, she knew that all the bumps and hoops they'd go through would be worth it in the end. As long as they'd had each other.
She hadn't felt it immediately as the rain began to fall. She could hear it around her, like little pellets against the wooden decking, but she hadn't felt it. Like her body had somehow numbed against the rain or the cold. Or she was still the same girl, except she was trapped in the body of somebody else. Watching this surreal world unravel around her. Whatever it was, it didn't feel like it was happening to her.
If I could get to you
I'd be there in a minute
The day had been filled with everything. Not that it had fazed her. When you lived in Hollyoaks village, chances were you weren't going to get through a full day without some drama. But she'd prayed to anyone who might listen to at least let her become 'Mrs Cunningham' before raining on her parade. Once she had that ring on her finger and her husband by her side, they could try and damage her - and them - all they want, but together they'd fight back.
She heard the faint voice as someone knelt beside her, their hand placed on her shoulder lightly, and asked if she was alright? It took all her strength to stop from screaming. No I'm not alright. I'm far from alright. I've lost him. I've got nothing. No one.
She opened her mouth to speak, but the lump in her throat blocked the words from coming out. It was only when she felt the brush of somebody's arms against her own that she realised it was Darren that had spoke. He was sat beside her, a distance between them that allowed her to breathe, but still close enough so she could feel his presence. To know that he was there.
He hadn't said a word to her. She wasn't sure whether it was because he was worried about saying the wrong thing, or because he couldn't find the right words, but he stayed silent. A silence that was welcomed, heartbreaking and deafening all at once.
'We spent hours walking in and out of shops to find the right one' she said, startling him as her voice broke the silence. He followed her eyes to where she was stroking her thumb over the ring he'd placed on her finger earlier that day. Doing the only thing he thought he could, he carefully placed his arm around her shoulder and brought her closer to him until her head rested lightly against his shoulder. Cradling her gently, he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, hoping that the solace of his arms would offer her the words he simply couldn't find.
Standing in front of the mirror in the changing room of a wedding dress boutique had proved to be somewhat of an emotional moment. She admired the way the shade of pink settled neatly against her skin. The way the dress had brought out all her curves - the ones he claimed to love - and still managed to hide all her unwanted extra bits.
She hadn't told anyone she'd been going. Wanted it to be a surprise. Knowing how easily news spread around such a small village, she feared he'd find out what it looked like before the day and she'd been sure nothing was going to jeopardise her day. Their day.
She wondered whether he'd like the dress - assuming he even noticed it, of course. Would he think she looked beautiful in it - just like she would a bin liner? Would he think it was too over the top and made her look desperate? She hadn't been sure. But she knew he'd tell her she looked gorgeous regardless to what she was wearing. That was just the way he was. Always putting others before himself, even if he got hurt himself along the way.
My world don't make no sense
Not without you in it.
At some point since he'd sat beside her, Darren had slipped his own jacket from his shoulders and placed it gently around her own. She hadn't felt him do it, nor had she felt any warmer for it, but she was grateful to him.
'The things you do for attention, eh?' he said, regretting the words as soon as they'd come out. He looked at her sadly. 'I'm… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.'
She smiled weakly at him. 'It's OK' she said. And it was OK, because it was the things like that that made her grateful that he'd sat beside her and gone to comfort her. Even though she knew as well as the next person how selfish and heartless Darren Osborne could be at times, she also knew that beneath it all was someone that cared deeply for those around him. How he'd be willing to take the fall for those he loved. And right now, she felt like he was only one that was keeping her strong. Stopping her from falling.
'It's like some bad dream' she said, failing to realise herself how at ease she was feeling. 'Like none of it's real. I'll wake up tomorrow and everyone will laugh at me for being so stupid. Max would be the first one to laugh.'
She noticed Darren shift uncomfortably beside her. A wash of guilt spread over her. She'd been so distraught herself that she hadn't stopped to think of how anyone else would be affected. Darren and Max may have had their differences and their personalities were as different as possible.
She wanted to ask him how he was feeling, to let him know he could talk to her, but she couldn't seem to word it in her own head without sounding selfish. Giving in, she reached for his hand and covered it with her own. At first, he'd seemed startled by the gesture and she half expected him to pull away - Darren Osborne didn't really do sentimental even behind closed doors, let alone in an open area for all to see - but his own self consciousness subsided and he found himself allowing her to fall into an embrace. His arm still wrapped around her shoulder where his jacket still covered, he kissed her forehead softly. 'I'll always be here for you.' he whispered, praying his emotional state wasn't completely obvious to her. He said nothing after that. Simply kept his arm around her, his shoulder been hers when she needed it, and listened to her heart break as she sobbed against him.
But sometimes I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go, why you had to go
Guess I'll never know.
She remembered the exact feel of his touch as he took her hand in his own and gently slipped the gold band onto her finger. His vows had sounded so beautiful as he said them and she knew he'd spent ages thinking them up. She'd felt so proud to be stood there as he told her how beautiful she was. How she'd changed his life in a way she never thought possible and how he was thankful to her for that. He'd smiled at her with the smile she loved more than anything in the world and promised her that today was going to be the start of the rest of their lives. And that he wanted to spend every minute of it with her.
She hadn't thought he was gone immediately. In a way, she was expecting it to be a final prank set up by him and OB - for old times sake - but it took the look on Tom and OB's faces to tell her that it was too late. That her fairytale never got the happy ending after all.
She stood from the decking, not bothering as the bottom of her 'fairytale' dress became a soaked mess. It had been ten minutes since Darren had kissed her forehead, promised he'd always be there for her, and headed back inside to give her some space.
In the time since then, she felt like she'd cried a million more tears. Her eyes were stinging slightly and her head was starting to pound as the emotions of the day began to hit her. She cast a quick glance at the sky above her where a star almost brighter than the rest let out a gentle twinkle. Normally, she'd think her eyesight was playing tricks on her, but there was something different today. She knew exactly what it was. It was him. It was his way of letting her know that, although it might never be in person, he was always going to be with her.
She stopped outside the entrance of the pub and wiped her face in the hope of reducing some of the scars the tears were leaving. Not that she needed to, because she knew they'd expect her to have shed tears. She knew they wouldn't judge her for it. But it somehow felt like something she needed to do.
Confident she'd made herself as prepared as she could be, she headed inside. To where her family would greet her with hugs, questions and comforting words. To the painful reminders of a day she was never going to forget for so many reasons. To the bed she would sleep in alone and cry herself to sleep.
- End.