The Silver Chair—Gone Rum

Sarah, Bethany, & Caleb

A/N: This peculiar plotless story was penned by three insane people really late at night, while watching the BBC movie of The Silver Chair. Anyways, it's a tiche crazy. We hope you find it, if nothing else, amusing.

One day, Glimfeather the owl was flying back and forth over Narnia. His eyes were alert to any movement on the ground below; not the tiniest stir escaped him. Then Caspian came and shot him down. Glimfeather fell from the heights with an arrow in his wing.

"To woo, to woo! Who are you?" said Glimfeather. Then Caspian stripped him of his feathers and ate him for dinner.

Jill and Eustace were on Glimfeather's back when he fell. They plunged down and crashed through the roof of Puddleglum's house.

"Man cubs ahoy!" said Puddleglum. "What happened? Has the popcorn-boat sunken to the bottom of the ocean? Has the castle been destroyed? Has the king been crushed by a mighty boulder? I know, an enemy has annihilated half of Narnia! I knew this would happen. I--"

Then Caspian, having acquired a taste for owl, went and attacked the Owls. He plucked and ate them all, holding a huge feast in Narnia. Caspian and all his men were so stuffed, they slept for two days and two nights. During the second watch of the second night, an enemy ship came into port and destroyed the castle of Cair Paravel, as well as half of the Wild Woods of the West. Apparently, Puddleglum had finally guessed right. When Caspian and his men woke up, they went and rebuilt the castle, as well as planting new trees in the Wild Woods of the West. Then, they went and destroyed the entire fleet of the enemy. After this, Caspian realized that there was so much leftover Owl Stew from the feast, he instructed his men to dig underground pits in which to store it. Moreover, when his men did thus, they happened upon the Emerald Witch's underground kingdom. Her Grunts were working strenuously to dig out to the top when Caspian's men broke through. They had a great battle and Caspian defeated the Grunts and ate them for dinner.

Then, Puddleglum ran in and said, "Hee ho!" Puddleglum said "Hee ho!" so many times that King Caspian had him made into Frog Stew. Then, a giant stomped in and said:

"Come in, ya little shrimps!" Caspian, thinking he was a shrimp, gobbled him up at once. By this time, Caspian was so fat, he resembled a large round ball. All of his subjects were getting rather tired of working, so they decided to have a little fun. They commenced bouncing him like a rubber ball. King Caspian was growing rather angry, so he ordered his guards to put a stop to it at once. However, the guards did not obey. Instead, they joined in and began playing catch with the king. His face grew beet red and steam blew out of his ears. He spontaneously combusted and blew up.

"Oh well," said everyone. Therefore, they made Trumpkin the Dwarf the new king of Narnia. The first day, the dwarf was riding around the castle in his popcorn stand. The next moment, useless Eustace strapped rocket boosters to the back of the popcorn stand, launching it into the sea. Trumpkin surfaced, but he was captured by Pug the Pirate, who made him walk the plank with an anchor tied to his feet. He sank to the crushing blackness of Davie Jones' Locker.

Then, Eustace claimed he wanted to be the king. Therefore, he swam to the bottom of the ocean to swipe the crown from Trumpkin. He had waited three years to get it out of the ocean, and when he got down there he found that the crown was gone. He saw a troop of Mermen and Mermaids swimming past with their king at its front. Eustace noticed that he bore upon his head a strangely familiar crown. Therefore, he swam up behind the Sea King and snatched the crown, swimming away as the bullet flies. However, the Sea King caught him and jabbed him in the rear with his trident. Useless Eustace was so angry that he floated to the top and returned with a mighty army, destroying the Merpeople forever.

He took his crown and pompously sat on the throne. He had only reigned for a week before his insatiable greed clouded his common sense and he ordered his army to attack Colormene. Only half obeyed, under a self-important man named Trilian. He got his butt whipped; not a single creature survived the treacherous trek across the desert. The other half, under Bilian, remained in Cair Paravel, preparing for a siege. The Narnians held them off for weeks, but soon the wall was breached and the Colormenes surged into the city. Once again, they were driven back, resulting in a temporary armistice. Bilian, who had taken over command for Eustace because he had died of leprosy, went out to receive terms.

"Surrender the city and we will let all live…as slaves!" said Rabadash III.

"Ok," said Bilian. As Rabadash III walked away, Bilian said:

"What is Cair Paravel worth to you?" Rabadash III paused and said:

"Nothing." He walked a ways further, turned and said: "Everything!"

Bilian and all of the Narnians lived as slaves thereafter.

Finis