A/N: So this is a random oneshot that I made. It's kind of pointless. Depending on its success and the wishes of my readers, I may expand on it. Remember, If you want it, it's entirely up to you. Anyhoo, enjoy! :D
So far, the year was going pretty great.
After we kicked Bill out of the band, things seemed to change. Sure, Loded Diaper had basically been called lame while losing spotlight to a 40+ dancing woman (my mother, actually). But after that incident, the boys and I had rekindled our passion for the band. We still wanted to keep the name because come on, EVERYONE loves poop jokes. But over the past few months we were actually able to work some resemblance of tune into our band. Shocking, right? We were practicing so often that I was starting to grow some muscle (not that I was complaining). We were cranking out new songs and I must say, we greatly improved from when we first started. So much so that my dad isn't even paying me to stop playing anymore. I'd say we now sounded like a combination of Slipknot and Black Veil Brides, if you can imagine such a thing in that tiny little mind of yours.
In fact we had improved so much, that Sheila Roberts came up to us and asked if we would perform at her seventeenth birthday party. Well, open up for the main attraction, that is. Despite Sheila being a "goth", her parents were filthy-fucking rich and were having this "Carnival of Creeps" type of circus performing at her party. Apparently, the act was pretty popular and my gut told me that the guy running this act might know a guy. And this guy might, just might, be a record company guy.
So naturally, we accepted the gig. And if the circus guy didn't know any record producers than at least we'd still get paid $400. Each.
Yes. Everything was going my way.
…
"Well, looks like Hotty-Pototty is selling cupcakes again," said Eddy.
"She should be selling melons. Her melons. Those big, firm ones," snickered Alex.
"Dude, are you even looking?" Rick punched me in the arm, breaking me from my daydreams about the gig of a lifetime. You know, the party? The one that could get the attention of the circus guy? The one that clearly, my bandmates had forgotten!
"The fuck was that for, man?" I hissed, punching back at him…almost falling of the railing. My friends and I sometimes liked to stay after school int front of the building and bully freshmen.
"Hotty-Pototty, three o'clock," Alex directed me.
Just in front of the doors to the school was a stand with a poster that screamed "ART CLUB BAKE SALE!" (yes, with that many exclamation points). I didn't even know we had an art club.
But the babe running the stand. Oh God.
Her hair was a rich, caramel color and stopped at the middle of her green V-neck-clad chest. She was wearing a seashell necklace that rested gently above her…CLEAVAGE LINE. Yes, as a teenage boy, I was designed to relate everything about her appearance to her chest.
"Damn," I squeaked.
My band mates burst out laughing.
Assholes.
"Hey, go talk to her, man," Rick encouraged me.
"What?" I said dumbly.
"You're not gonna act like a pussy like you did at your own party, right?" said Alex.
"We're not going to have to get Rowley to help you out, are we? I swear, that kid's got more balls than you," taunted Eddy.
"I have balls! Bigger than Rowley could ever dream!" I said a little too loudly. Two nerdy-looking freshmen gave me odd looks before scrambling away.
I smoothed down my hair and straightened my shirt. "I'm going up to her!" I announced proudly. Today would be an important day. A great day. I might even get laid in the future.
Before I realized it, I was in line, waiting to hit on this girl. It wasn't long before I noticed that Ronnie Benson (Shiela's boyfriend) was standing in front of me. And here's the thing about Ronnie, he knows EVERYONE. It's the damnest thing.
"Hey, Ron," I nudged him, "Who's the babe selling cupcakes?"
Ron looked at me wide-eyed and chewing on his lip piercing, "Er…that's Hanna di Lorenzo. She moved here in the summer."
"You serious?" I wondered, "Never seen her." That wasn't entirely true, actually. She did look a bit familiar...
"Yeah, she isn't the type to seek attention."
"That cleavage of hers begs to differ," I said, still trying to sneak a few glances.
Ronnie chuckled, "I know she's hot and all but just a warning. She's a little…odd."
"How?" I pressed.
"Just…odd…" Ronnie answered vaguely. He didn't say anything after that. Weird. She didn't seem odd.
I came to the realization that Ronnie was now telling Hanna what he wanted: two sugar cookies, for Sheila and him.
I was next in line. I had been so busy looking at her cleavage and thinking about whether she was really strange or not that I hadn't even thought of what I was going to say to her.
"See you later, man," Ronnie said. It sounded more like a good luck wish. I looked longingly after him.
"Hey, is there anything I can get you?" a sweet voice broke me from my thoughts. I came face to face with a nose that was a bit too round, a pair of full pink lips, and two green eyes.
My mouth had gone completely dry and I could almost feel darkness closing in on me. I just stared at the face that was patiently waiting for me to answer.
"Um, are you okay?" asked the face, whose brow was now furrowed with worry.
I had to get my brain and my ass wired together.
"O-one c-cupcake please," I sputtered out mindlessly.
"Sure," she said cheerfully. "Vanilla or chocolate?"
"Vanillaaaaa…" my voice trailed off.
"Want a to-go box?" she asked.
"Sure…" I squeaked. Squeaked? I, Rodrick Heffley never squeaked!
Hanna laughed softly and put my cupcake in a small plastic box.
"Thanks," this time my voice cracked. Christ, what was wrong with me? It was like puberty all over again.
"Enjoy!" she called out to me as I quickly strode away.
My friends were just rolling over on the stairs, laughing their asses off.
"You went in for tits, came out with a cupcake!" guffawed Eddy. The others couldn't even comment.
"Well, at least I actually got something. You vaginas couldn't even go up like I did," I said.
Well that shut them up.
…
I lay on my bed, flipping through one of my dirty heavy metal magazines that Greg was always trying to nick from me. Usually the drumming tips and the obviously air-brushed bodies of the models in the magazine kept me focused, however, all I could think about was the girl with the green eyes, caramel-hair, and round nose. Not that her nose was completely ugly, it was just a bit rounder than what I was usually into.
Round nose or not, this girl was hot. And I wanted her, but how.
I stared at the still-uneaten cupcake that was sitting in its box on my nightstand. On top of the cupcake was an icing drawing of the building in France. The Twin Tower or the Eiffel Castle or something like that.
I removed the cupcake from the box and sank my teeth into it.
Honestly, it was the best cupcake I had ever eaten. Or maybe I thought it was the best cupcake I had ever eaten because I associated it with one hell of a babe.
Either way, I devoured the shit out of that cupcake.
…
I was wandering through a land made of candy, all while wearing a top hat and a purple coat. The trees were lollipops, the river was chocolate and the grass was Fruit Roll-Up.
Holy shit, I was Willy Wonka.
Oh well, I was here. Might has well have taken a walk around the place. So off I went. I didn't see any Oompa-loompas wandering around, but at least it smelled nice and come on, the place was made out of candy.
"YOO-HOO!" a clear voice cut through the candy-scented air.
"Who is it? Who's there?" I called.
"Come and see for yourself!" the voice answered playfully. I could tell that it was a girl's voice.
I sprinted around the candy paradise in search of the source when I came across a fat lollipop tree.
There stood Hanna in a blue bikini and tutu, provocatively licking the frosting of a cupcake.
"Well, are you just gonna stand there?" she asked me, her tongue slowly teasing the frosting for one last time before throwing the cupcake away.
I didn't even know there were baked goods in the Willy Wonka Universe.
But right now, I didn't give a shit. I charged towards her and knocked her to the ground, feeling her soft warmth under me. Jeez, I was getting hard.
Hanna wriggled her arms out from under me and wrapped them around my neck. Her green eyes bored into mine while her lips curved into a slow smile. She closed the space between us as her lips touched my own...
"Rodrick, wake up!" My dad scolded me, "It's not the weekend just yet." My sleep-encrusted eyes cracked open slowly to meet the light of my room. "Up, up, up!" My dad clapped.
Normally, this would have pissed me off, I didn't have time to be irritated at my dad right now. It seems odd for a teenage boy to think this way, but I think it was a sign. A message from the universe to pursue Hanna di Lorenzo because it was bound to get me laid.
I was going to do it.
…
After wandering around, lost for about twenty minutes, I finally found the art room. Ronnie told me that Hanna spent almost all her time after school in there.
And sure enough, facing an easel and canvas, was the back of a beautiful tan-haired head. I cleared my throat and did some quick breathing exercises. I was ready.
"Hey," I began. That was always a good way to start.
"Modern art is so overrated," she said as she continued sketching across her canvas, "I much prefer the Rococo and Pre-Raphelite styles. I just think that they are far more impressive than a bunch of soup cans."
What the actual fuck was she talking about? Whatever it was, I couldn't let her know that I had absolutely no idea what she was saying.
"Uh…oh yeah. Rococo and Pre-whatever pwns soup cans," I agreed with her.
She turned around.
"You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?" she asked tartly.
The guilty look on my face was a good enough answer.
"Why am I not surprised? You couldn't even pay attention to the Giving Tree in kindergarten," she said.
"Wait…what?" I questioned.
"You really don't remember?" Hanna sounded surprised, "Does Big Boobs McGee sound familiar to you?"
Oh no. The memories were rushing back to me now. Although we had been in the same classes since preschool, Big Boobs McGee was that girl we had made fun of in fourth grade for having to wear a bra. We made her life hell until she moved to Miami at the end of the year. And now she was back in the form of Hanna. Well dammit, if I had known she was gonna turn out this hot, I would have treated her like a princess.
"You still need to say sorry," she said serenely "I haven't forgiven you."
This girl was so…blunt.
"Er…sorry?" I said uncomfortably.
"I forgive you," she said. Was she grinning? "You have to admit though, Miami works wonders, doesn't it?"
I didn't know what to say to that. I just sat there, reminding myself never call her Big Boobs again. If she was going to constantly make me uncomfortable with her honesty, it wasn't worth it.
"So, what brings you to the art room, Rodrick? And my name's Hanna, not Big Boobs FYI," she asked.
That was a very good question. What was I supposed to say to her? It was as though someone had sucked the flirting skills out of my brain.
"I just wanted to say that those cupcakes were really good." Those words flew out of my mouth faster than I could take them back.
"Really?" she smiled.
"Uh, yeah. Really," it seemed to be working!
"You're the only person who's told me that today. Thank you," she said, beaming.
A little light went on in my head.
"Well, more people should compliment you. You deserve that," the words rolled smoothly off of my tongue as I stepped closer to her.
A flash of color spread across her cheeks before she shook it off. "Then you'll just have to threaten them to do it or I will," she said deviously.
I laughed at that. This average-height, cupcake-baking girl was making threats. The idea was silly and strangely, endearing. Ronnie was right.
"You're funny, Hanna," I told her.
"You don't think I could threaten people?" she pouted.
"That's not what I'm saying. You're just…odd. You're awkward, funny, and odd," I stated.
"Well, thank you. It's certainly better than Big Boobs McGee," said Hanna. "Well, Rodrick, I'd love to stay and chat but I've gotta run."
The idea hit me like a lightning bolt. "Do you need a ride home?"
"No, my mom's gonna pick me up. She gets annoyed when I don't show up in front of the school on time." My happiness balloon deflated.
"Ah, well, I'll see you later, I guess," I said.
She grabbed her messenger bag and quietly waved at me before heading out the door.
Cue another lightning idea striking.
I called out to her from the door, "Hanna! One more question!"
She turned around. "I'm listening."
"Are you going to Sheila's party in a few weeks?"
Her expression turned almost sad, "No, no I'm not. I didn't even know she was having a party. I don't get invited to a lot of parties, really."
"Oh," I immediately regretted asking her. Then again, Sheila wasn't too mean. The only people she didn't like were the jocks, and I was certain that Hanna wasn't a jock. I didn't know what she was really.
"Um, Rodrick. Hello! Earth to Rodrick!" Hanna's voice broke me from my thoughts. "Do you daydream when talking to people all the time? That's the impression I got yesterday."
"No...I was thinking. I could ask Sheila if you could go!"
"What?"
"I. Can. Ask. Sheila. If. You. Can. Go."
"I really don't know-"
"It'll be fun…"
"I'm not exactly gaga for GaGa."
"Uh, you do know who Sheila is right? Goth extraordinaire. Believe me, she isn't either," I said.
She paused for a moment, "Why? Why do you want to take me?"
"Well, because..." Say that she's beautiful and that you like her, I told myself. "Because you're cool." Well, that didn't come out like I planned.
Hanna bit her lip and thought for a few seconds. "I'll think about it…" She smiled slowly, much like in the dream I had about her. With that she turned around and walked away.
She would think about it. That was kind of a yes. I did a little victory dance to celebrate my conquest.
Then, something delicious hit my nose, I could smell the very warmth of it. It was scent of the perfume that Hanna was leaving in her wake, which coincidentally enough, smelled like cupcakes.